Learning to See Clearly

All for God's Glory

2010-09-01T14:46:00.001-04:00

It is amazing how the longer you go not blogging the harder it gets. I feel the weight of writing about everything so I don't even start but not today.

Life has been interesting the last few weeks. I wish I could say it has been great, but that is not the best term.

The other Monday I got to sit with a friend and catch up a bit. As we talked he asked me to explain the Gospel. As I stumbled through an explanation he patiently listened.

After I had a chance to finish my long winded and unfocused description he asked a simple question.

"Have you ever noticed how the Gospel insults our pride as Americans but never our selfishness?"

I didn't quite follow at first. As I replayed the Gospel I just told and the one we so often hear I heard "you," "me," "us," etc. My entire description of the Gospel was about what God had done for me and had planned for me. The focus of the Gospel is God. His glory, his power, his love. The idea that Jesus came and died to be the way to reunite us with Himself is all about God, not about me. The focus is God's plan for the world not his plan for me. Or his promise to care for me.

This idea of me was all through my view of the Gospel.

A seed of an idea slowly grew in my mind. It came up in discussions with the men's group I attend and homegroup later that week. I heard it in music.

"I want my life to show, that I am thinking beyond myself." ~ A line from a song in new Newsboy's Album (Born Again)

THAT ENTIRE LINE IS ABOUT ME!!!! Almost every other word!

I have also been unable to remove my focus from John 15 as of late. The dozens of times I have read it in the past and last few weeks would lead me to think I had a good handle on it. Then I saw this...

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.
~ John 15:7-8

Even when He grants us the desires of our hearts the focus is on His glory!

This understanding is something I am just starting to grapple with, but oddly it has been encouraging to me. God does care about my life and what I am feeling and doing. But more importantly He is worthy of praise. His plan is beyond my comprehension, beyond a need for me.

But He has invited us to be part of that. And promised to care for us.

My problems seem a bit insignificant now.

Thank You Mere Christianity Journal

2010-06-29T14:37:00.003-04:00

So for Christmas (either this last one or the one before) my parents got my brothers and I a hard copy of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and a companion journal.

I graciously accepted but since I have a copy of Mere Christianity and I usually find these guided journals worthless I was not that interested.

As many of you know my relationship with God has been difficult lately. Not that He is not still good, but through recent circumstances I have let my life fall apart in some ways.

My confidence is still returning, my excitement for life is coming back and my relationship with God is improving (I feel closer to Him and my mindset is increasing on Him), but I still feel less than I was just over a year ago.

So since I do not have regular accountability or discipleship I finally decided to crack open this journal thing and reread Mere Christianity.

Maybe the guiding will be an adequate replacement for discipleship at least to start me back on the path to closeness with God.

It has been interesting, not nearly as useless as I originally thought.

Yesterday I came across a question that hit something I am not sure I have ever quite accepted about God.

The chapter was on faith, the discussion question?

If you feel loved and secure in a relationship, do you try and earn the other person's love? Or do you do loving things for that person simply because you know you are loved? How does this translate into a relationship with God?

At first this was an easy question. No I do not try to earn the love of someone that I feel loves me in a secure relationship. That seems dumb, like going back to your employer after you have cashed you check and trying to earn the money in your hand.

IT IS YOURS!!!

In business you start earning the next check. In a relationship you love the other person. My understanding of what a marriage can be and what I think several of my closer friendships are is a focus on the other person.

You do not have to ensure you are loved or treated a certain way... the other person ensures that. You just love the other person.

Nothing new here, it is a great ideal to have in mind.

Wait, what was that third question?

How does this translate into a relationship with God?

Oh, wait...

I know God loves me and has accepted me as his child through Jesus.

What relationship is more secure than that?

But I keep feeling like I have to re-earn his love when I fail, or do the right thing to keep it.

So I keep coming to God asking for his love, asking him if I still have it.

That must get old. I mean imagine if a friend, significant other, or family member kept asking if their choices maintained your love. Or how they could re-earn your love when they did something stupid.

Where is the trust and love for you in a relationship like that?

I think it is lacking.

Is that really what I have been doing to God this whole time?

Can this life really be as simple as trusting and loving Him because he loves me?

If this seems obvious to you, then awesome. If not, consider if you were doing what I was doing.

I think God has a better life for us. I know he does.

Prejudice in My Life

2010-06-03T16:23:00.002-04:00

Last weekend I went to the funeral of my girlfriend's grandmother in Pennsylvania. Not really a fun trip, but I was glad I could go to support her.

On the trip I saw a driver that was driving a bit erratically, as I got closer I saw that they had a West Virginia sticker on the back.

"Oh, that explains it" I thought.

Then the funeral was a Catholic funeral. As far as I can remember this was my first time in a Catholic church less than 200 years old, it was odd.

I thought the litergy was cool, the rest of the church could use more. Then they started saying something about Mary after the Lord's prayer. Then the priest kept talking about her and the saints. The 20 ft tall crucified Jesus did not help either.

You may think these two thoughts are not without merit. There are many documented cases of WVU fans being jerks and the school does have that reputation in parts.

My feelings on being in the Catholic church are not all that odd either. Many of the doctrines are borderline heretical from a Protestant/ Anabaptist view.

But I know that these feelings were not in the realm of past facts. I felt like I was judging those that held to the Catholic church as foolish. I know that I was not just assuming... I KNEW the driver was a jerk because of the WVU sticker.

I do not like that at all.

It gets easy for me to focus on an old sin that has been mostly conquered and feel like I am done growing. Or look at my recent distance from God and think that is the only issue I have.

I am still a broken person that God is doing is work in, and only by his grace is doing his work through.

In these times of revelation it is hard to remember that God sees us as a completed work, as pure and justified in Christ.

I need to remember that.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
(Colossians 3:1-4 NIV)

Rereading Genesis

2010-04-28T12:57:00.000-04:00

In my last post I mentioned how friend said my story reminded him of the curse that came from the fall.

I was reading Genesis again, it felt like it might apply after that discussion.

Genesis 3: 8

God was walking through the garden looking for them but out of shame they hid. That hits really hard.

The last few months I have had a hard time feeling or hearing God. I have heard him in the past, but not recently.

A tear actually came to my eye when I read this. I feel so distant from Him at times, yet even having his presence walk with them in the garden they still felt he was holding out on them.

We still thought we knew better.

It is so easy to try to blame not feeling God for having difficulty listening and following Him.

The issue is much deeper than that it seems.

Work

2010-04-27T14:50:00.002-04:00

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and
ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'

"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3: 17-19

I was recounting my feelings and thoughts from when I was still working to a friend. His response:

"I have never heard anyone so clearly articulate the effects of the curse in their own experience before."

So I went back and read some Genesis.

I believe three factors were at work with my last work experience.

1. Lack of perspective on work
2. Lack of alignment between who I am and my occupation
3. An increasingly negative work environment

I found myself returning to old patterns.

Isolation.
Disdain for myself.
Feeling hopeless. Worthless.

I woke up every day and did my job. But whether I worked hard or slacked off at the end of the day I felt like I had wasted my day.

Like I have spent all day in bed or in front of the TV. That lethargic feeling accompanied by regret.

So I forgot how to rest. When I was at work I tried to work. When at home I tried to do things that would make my day feel like something was accomplished.

Over time I just wanted to go to bed after work and do nothing.

Physically I was growing weaker from a lack of exercise or work.. but I was never physically tired. Mentally I was worn down, tired... but felt no accomplishment.

Unsure how to explain my situation and ashamed that I was not moving forward and that I had no vision, no goal I began to isolate myself. People important to me became those to avoid. I just didn't know how to answer the questions...

"How is work?"

"What do you do?"

"What are you up to?"

Each would be answered, but inside I felt like I did nothing. That I had no purpose. And I didn't even get the benefit of sleeping in or watching TV all day. I was doing work that could be done by a script.

I felt like my legacy was becoming the guy who lived alone, hating life, doing things a computer should do.

That is why I left.

I am ok with individual tasks being toil. But with nothing to work towards, not impact being made from the work (besides reducing the IT budget for a few months), I see no point.

Trusting God?

2010-04-06T12:33:00.003-04:00

Ironically I was tasked lately with planning for Home-group on the topic of work. I say ironically because I am unemployed.

I wanted to lead on a section of Ecclesiastes. I liked the idea of talking about seasons. How there is a time for everything, and at times the time to not do something. I am usually not a fan of this concept in the moment. I want to be in control, I want everything to just be awesome. When I look back on the other hand I am glad for seasons. For times of learning specific things.

As I tried to prepare this discussion I kept being drawn to Matthew 25. This is the three part parable about what the kingdom of God is like: the 10 virgins awaiting the bridegroom, the master who goes on a long journey (parable of the talents), and the goats and sheep.

The middle section is commonly called the parable of the talents and is about a master who is leaving on a long journey. It is long enough that he must leave his servants in charge of his affairs, I imagine that if it was shorter he could afford to wait or just let things be. He entrusts five talents to one servant, two to the next and one to the last. He leave and on his return calls the servants to account for themselves. We see that the first two took their money and were each able to engage in trade to double their money, the master is overjoyed and invites the servants to celebrate with him; he also promises to give them more responsibility and money. The last, entrusted with only one talent, was afraid of the master so he buried the money and returned the same amount to the master. This is seen as an insult by the master, the servant is stripped of the one talent and kicked out of the house.

I did a little math. According to the footnotes in my Bible a talent is worth about 20 years wages for a laborer. For an estimation I assumed that a laborer would be someone who only makes minimum wage, works a normal 40 hour work week but does not get vacation (works 52 weeks a year). That gave me about $300,000 per talent. So reworded:

The master is leaving on a long journey. He entrusts on servant with $1.5M, one with $600k and one with $300k; each according to his ability. He then leaves.

This is the place I want to focus. I feel like this is where I am. I am not sure if I am the servant with the ability to be entrusted with $1.5M or $300k, but I am one of them. God has entrusted me with something and I want to hand it back to him with more in the end.

If I am honest with myself I am most like the servant who buried the money at the moment. I am terrified. I am scared of making a mistake.

What if I am 4th servant, the one not in the story that lost all his money?

Or worse, what if I succeed?

Both are scary thoughts. I want to just hand my one talent back the God and say "It is too hard, I am scared."

"You overestimate my ability."

But I do want to do something. I want to be a light, to serve others and be a part of bringing the kingdom into people's lives.

It is just so easy to let the fear of both success and failure to rule me.

The story just says that in the end the servants had double their money. It doesn't discuss how many times the lost money or had to start over in a new trading method or location.

They were rewarded because the master knew what they were capable of handling, gave that to them and they responded.

When I put it that way it feels much more manageable!

So at the end of the day, do I trust God to know me well enough to give me the right resources and opportunities?

Piece of Wood

2010-03-15T11:09:00.002-04:00

My people inquire of a piece of wood,
and their walking staff gives them oracles.
For a spirit of whoredom has led them astray,
and they have left their God to play the whore.
Hosea 4:12 ESV

Last week I randomly turned to Hosea, and since we are studying that on Sunday morning at nlcf, I decided to read it next.

As I was reading I could not get past this verse. More specifically I could not get past "My people inquire of a piece of wood." I could be wrong, but in that line I sense frustration and pain.

God's people who have the privilege and right granted through Jesus to approach his throne to worship and petition him have turned to a piece of wood. Not even a man or a beast, but a piece of word.

None of those would be ok, but comparing the Lord of the universe or ANY king for that matter to a piece of wood seems laughably idiotic. The God who has given his people great promises to support and love them and performed many signs is being ignored...

FOR A PIECE OF WOOD!!!

How often do we do that in our lives? I know that has been a struggle of mine lately. Not that I have put any one thing over God, but... well maybe I have. I have been putting convenience and ease before him.

It is so much easier to throw myself into school or work or even into depression that it is to take bold steps to follow him.

I do not want to stop here. Along with this I have been thinking about the many things we as people do that to a lesser degree look like comparing God to a piece of wood.

- The guy plays a video game rather than making/ seeing his friends.
- The guy that looks at explicit websites when his wife is in the other room.
- The girl that watches romance movies alone rather than building her relationship.
- The freshman who gets drunk every weekend because they hate their life rather than doing something to change it.

Then there is me who found it easier to embrace self doubt and fear for trust and faith.

These are all replacing something amazing for something that is easier and ultimately does not meet the need we are trying to fill with it.

Right now self-doubt is my piece of wood that I go to when I should be going to God. I am safe there, I can't screw up and I can't fail. But that is not my goal, that is my fear. Much like Israel in this book, I have felt famine and pain while clinging to this idol. Only recently have I started to hear God again.

So, what is your piece of wood?

And now the non-awkward question: How have you put aside your pieces of wood in the past?

The Path?

2010-03-08T11:42:00.003-05:00

I am starting to feel like I am hearing from God again. That is cool.

I am home for spring break (well I don't have a break, but with quitting my job I came home while my brothers had off). On Sunday the pastor was talking about giving, but he started by talking about trusting God. He said "Your direction, not intentions, determine your destination." I think he was on to something. The steps we take move us forward, not just thinking about taking steps. We cannot expect that if our thoughts and actions do not match that we will end up where we want to be.

We each have many paths we travel (relationships, work, finances, etc.) and each one has its own challenges, difficulties and goals. Often I feel a bit overwhelmed by the choices I have to make my own way. I wish God would just give me a step by step guide to life (of course if he did, I would likely try to find ways to do other things).

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I find this to be really encouraging. God knows that we do not have all the understanding or tools to make this life work. We need a guide, we need someone who will make our paths straight. But not only does he recognize that he OFFERS to do that for us. I think this passage is his advice for how to listen and follow him.

We need to offer up our goals and desires to him, he knows what we want and what we need better than we do. He is a good father that gives good gifts.

We need to believe that he knows more that we do and is able to take care of us.

We need to acknowledge him in everything we do. Not just saying "There is a God" but seeking to make him known, to honor him in every step, word and breath.

This lifestyle allows him to come in and make our paths straight, to lead us where he has planned for us to go.

Then this morning I finished Ecclesiastes.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

God is yet again asking us to seek and trust him. He doesn't give us the whole picture, but he promises to make our next step land on solid ground.

But we have to listen and trust.

Easier said than done I know, but I have needed to hear this.

Power

2010-02-18T12:27:00.003-05:00

About two weeks ago now, in Home Group, we were looking at Psalm 100.

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!
² Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
³Know that the LORD, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
⁵ For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations. (ESV)

We were going through this passage in a Lectio Divina style so after we finished reading the passage a few times and praying through it the leader asked us to share what word or phrase stood out to us.

As I read and prayed I kept coming back to verse 3. "Know that the LORD, he is God!" The rest of the passage refers to God's goodness and love. But this section reminded me of his power. I believe LORD as it is here is a replacement for God's most holy name in Hebrew (I have not confirmed that), but in this one line we are reminded that he IS the LORD, he IS God.

Both Lord and God if you look them up contain power and authority as attributes that come with that name.

That is the thing I have missed these last few months. I was allowing my work, my tiredness, my fear, and my failures to erode my passion and vision. But most importantly I allowed them to erode me view of God.

I never doubted that He was good, but He slowly became impotent in my circumstances. My prayers shifted from excitement and trust to acknowledging his desire and plan but doubting but understanding that tomorrow would not change, to not praying much at all.

Do you keep calling a friend who remains silent? How long do you cling to a relationship that where the person means well but never does anything?

I hit that point in the last few weeks. I had forgotten that God DOES have the power to make his plans come to fruition. And he will.

Mundane

2009-09-27T21:24:00.005-04:00

So today at church the pastor was talking about Exodus, the final talk in a series. Earlier they explained Exodus was a compound word meaning the "way out." Each week they has asked us to consider what we think God is leading us out of, but not to stop there.

God was leading his people out of Egypt into the promised land and into relationship with him. Jim proposed that the Exodus did not end when the Isrealites entered Canaan, but that it is also the journey that God is still leading his children on to this day. Through Jesus God is leading us on the way out, out of sin and death to Him.

He said one thing today that really stuck with me. "The miraculous becomes the mundane in no time."

The story of the Exodus is not one of God taking the quickest path to move his people from Egypt to the promised land. It is a story of God proclaiming his power and intentions to his people and the world. He lead his people on a longer path to Canaan to show them more and more that he loved them and provides for them. And many days all they could do is follow him.

So many times I, and I think we all, say "If only I had a pillar of fire/ smoke to follow." "If only I say the sea part before me to show me the way." We want miracles to guide us... I want them more than ever now that I can't default to the goal that has driven me since I could think rationally "graduate from college."

But God did that for his people and do you see where that got them? No where further than we get with our every day lives and interaction with him. We see in Numbers 13 that the spies that were sent did not believe they could take the land that God had given them.

All of God's miracles and all of the comments from us reading the story saying "Well if I saw THAT I would trust God" did not mean anything. They were scared, as they had every right to be.

Miracles can become mundane. If we could call them at our will we would control God, not the other way around. And miracles or not we all come to the point of making a choice...

"Knowing what I know of God, do I trust him enough to go and do this?"

People who have experienced far more miricles and those who have experienced far fewer have all made this choice. Some said yes, and we remember them as men and women of God. Other said no.

So, what choice do I make? What choice do you make?

Where I Am

2009-09-13T15:37:00.002-04:00

So I have not posted here in a while. Life has been good and bad at the same time, and definitely busy.

I have been noticing the lack of community rather acutely recently.

Last week I saw my girlfriend for about 3 hours and one of my bestfriends, who also lives with me, for about 20 minuets. In the evenings alone I watched a lot of Hulu and felt like crap. I felt alone and started to see trains of thought that I thought were long behind me come back.

I was journaling at church today I started to recall some things I used to take for granted when I was in IV before graduating that I took for granted that I really miss now.

1. Being asked how God and I are on a regular basis at random by many different people.
2. Having a community of people to serve.
3. People to discuss my day with or plans for the future.
4. A group of people that were not afraid to challenge me.
5. A place to be reminded of who God is when I forget.

I have only experienced a small bit of this since graduation and the other graduates moving from this end of the state. With Jamie being a small group leader we have gotten to have a few awesome talks about how that is going with her and sometimes Joe and I talk.

But both of them have been on mostly opposite schedules of mine as of late and busy themselves. Plus most of Joe and my conversations have been about business-y things lately as we both are rather either arrogant or ambitious (not sure which) and trying to start many different enterprises.

I have not joined a church yet because I have not gone around and check out some of the ones I have heard about. I have been going mostly to [nlcf] because it is what I am used to and where Jamie and Michael (my little brother) go. The sermons have also been on Exodus lately and I have found them really interesting and applicable.

Not until today, however, did I consider the possibility that I was simply over thinking my church choice. They do many of the things I want to be involved with and have an older congregation I could get to know. And today I also realized that Joe, Jamie, and Michael all go there and are most of the people I actually see on a regular basis. After a week of minimal human interaction it is nice to see people that I love.

So now the question is do I decided to look at other places, that would be better in some ways and not in others, or do I decide the seeing my brother and girlfriend on Sunday mornings is a good reason to pick a church for the time being?

Being an over-thinker sucks. But regardless of the source I need to find community soon, because I cannot live this life alone.

Remembering Blessing

2009-08-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

So my recent issues in life have been a broken A/C, which really annoyed me, caused me to loose sleep from the 'heat' and I am guessing that is why I am currently sick.

My other issue was sitting in the doctors office waiting for over two and a half hours just to see a doctor for a few minutes, get a prescription and use my hard earned money on antibiotics. Oh and I had to skip work because I felt like crap.

But I had A/C to miss, and even with that broken a bed to sleep in and food in the kitchen and refrigerator. I had a job that on a world standard is extremely high paying, even if it is not my dream job yet.

I could go to the doctor and even had excellent insurance to reduce the cost significantly. And I will still get paid for my sick day because I am a salary employee.

It is sooo easy to loose sight of how gifted I am to be born where I was born, have the support of an awesome family, have awesome friends, a degree from an awesome school, and an awesome job with a company that is growing in a time when most companies are firing people or at least not hiring.

God please keep my conscious of just how lucky and blessed I am.

Catching Up

2009-08-08T12:11:00.002-04:00

So I have not posted much recently. That is mostly for lack of writing. I do have a new blog that is more geared to my musings and growth in the working world with less emphasis on the overtly spiritual (just ask if you want to know where it is). I intend to keep posting here in the coming months as I would like a place to get feedback and encourage people most specifically relating to my faith.

The other reason posts have been lacking is that I have completely lost my balance lately. I have not found a church home, but honestly I have been to bust to look. And with moving, traveling, and laziness I have let my quiet times and personal time with God become erratic and inconsistent.

So over the next few weeks I will be working to get my schedule back on track and to find a place to call home.

That will be interesting; unlike those that are completely cut off from their college communities I could still go if I wanted, it will be right down the road in a few weeks. However I know that is no longer where I am to be for my community.

I hope soon I can support that community as an outsider and an alumni, but it will be weird being close enough to a community I love and yet knowing I must find another.

Prayer would be appreciated as I seek a new community and seek to get my relationship with God back on track.

Long overdue post

2009-05-29T15:22:00.000-04:00

So I am looking to start a new blog and run them simultaneously. This will stay under my name and be about my walk with God and the other will be more about my professional development and some of the projects I am working on to have fun and adjust out of the college life, but I will be posting to that blog under a pseudonym. I am just debating on name, but I am excited about that.

I have not felt like I have been growing all the much recently. But I think that is a bit of a misconception on my part.

I have been forced to trust. Forced to realize quite plainly that God makes absolutely no sense sometimes but he is caring for me none the less.

I have been dating an awesome woman of God for about two months now and that is pushing me in so many ways. Most importantly and obviously at this point is my selfishness. I have seen a completely new level of selfcenteredness arise in me through my interactions with her.

And I cannot forget to mention Rockbridge. I took the Kingdom Living track. Nothing was earth shattering but it was a good reminder about many of the things I have learned over the last few years that I care about that I have not thought of in a while.

The other point from Rockbridge worth mentioning is some straight up weird stuff happened. I saw on two consecutive nights brothers in Christ become 'filled with the Holy Spirit.' I use quotes not because I doubt that they were but because I have never seen anything like it. One has had deep scars from his early college career that he has not been able to move past and I saw the beginnings of healing and joy in him again. And the other had pain from loosing a friend and almost losing several others in a car wreck of sorts. The first seemed to think his situation was almost permanent then after praying with and over him he started to cry and laugh and shake... he spoke words of love and seemed almost drunk... IN AN INSTANT. The second went from yelling to try to express his emotions of anger and guilt (false guilt but guilt none the less... meaning he did nothing wrong) and anger with God to crying, laughing, and speaking love over those he came to... again in an instant.

He told me and one other guy God had big things planned for us... not the most enlightening sentiment but encouraging and needed. He also told me "You know you could be a pastor if you wanted to right?" That comment is a bit more deep and interesting. I hear that is what more charismatic denominations call prophecy... but I am not completely sure how to take it still.

If you are interested or care to keep me to my word here are my goals for the next few weeks/ summer:
- Check out Dwelling Place (local church that is a bit more charismatic)
- Meet with one of my Sisters in Christ who knows a good deal more about these kind of experiences
- Have daily quiet times (scripture and prayer)
- Actually do my investigation of the Name of God
- Find a church to become a member of
- Seek God's guidance more and more in my relationship with my girlfriend, learning to love her as much like God does as I am able
- Work on expressing what God puts on my heart in a concise manner

Thank you God for reminding me of what you have taught me in the past, showing me you are present and active in those I care about, and giving me more than I deserve.

Lots and Nothing to Think about All at the Same Time

2009-04-27T17:35:00.003-04:00

So for a while I have felt off.

Life is going fairly well, I am finishing college, I have a girlfriend for the first time in years (and she is pretty awesome), I am applying to jobs waiting to hear back from one where the interview went well and applying to others, and I have friends.

There are also several potential projects that would provide new avenues for my creativity and gifts to shine through and develop.

But I have not had a passion in a while. No burning topic in the temporal or the spiritual that is captivating my attention.

While I have so much to learn about so many things I do not have that issue or topic that I care about.

Even my desire to work out what it means to have vision for myself, life and others has grown dull.

There is an exciting new chapter opening and an awesome chapter closing in my life right now...

I want passion and a topic or two that I am well versed in.

This blog may be redirected, left alone with the start of a second, or killed in favor of a second depending on what I choose to do.

This Blog was always for my close friends that wanted to know what I was up to as I struggled and worked through life. And I think overall it has done that.

But either I am going to fall away into obscurity or find the path I want to run down in my development as a person and as a child of God.

I hope for the latter.

2 Years Later

2009-04-16T19:43:00.001-04:00

It has been 2 years since April 16th 2007...

that is about all I can say, my emotions are all messed up, but I did not want this day to go unmarked on my blog.

Wait... WHAT?!?!?!

2009-03-27T12:31:00.003-04:00

So this week has been crazy. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of a while, at least in this small of a space.

The last few weeks I have finally started to see something come out of my prayers and times in scripture, not HUGE things, but little insights that have helped direct me and encourage me.

This week has put me in a position I did not expect on so many levels. I cannot explain in this post on the inter-tubes right now... but I got nothing.

Nothing that makes me worthy of the good things from this week.

Nothing that I can use to explain or push aside the negative things.

Nothing that I can use to take full control of my job search (the location of the negatives) or the rest of my life.

At the moment I am in a precarious position where if God is not with me, granting me wisdom and strength, I will fail.

The easiest way to describe this week is a combination and rapid succession of both positive and negative events and situations where the only thing I can think to do is cling to God.

God I pray that my eyes and heart are open to you and your guidance and mercy in my life...

cause on my own I've got nothing.

Selfishness

2009-03-21T18:31:00.003-04:00

So I was sitting in the back of 180 as is my custom since I was a freshman. Nothing really on my mind, then a freshman got up from where he was,sat down and said I was on his heart and asked if he could pray for me. I told him there was nothing, which was not a lie but not really trying to think or express myself either.

So I sat there and I praying, but it was fairly general stuff in my head. And it occurred to me that I have not felt 'someone was laid on my heart' for some time.

I am in a time of transition and when I am in times like this I tend to withdraw. I am not in control, I do not know what to do to honor God, my friends, or myself. It is a double edged sword. Someone like me who has the memories and past of being ignored or just not sought out by friends I still have a hard time feeling completely alone when I am not part of the group. I have gotten better about it, and with me leaving and not being at VT next year I honestly also love seeing my friends hang out with and enjoy others. I enjoyed that before, but more so now that I am leaving. It helps me feel like they will be taken care of once I leave. But it also makes me feel like an outsider in my head long before my time to go.

And from that paragraph and other posts recently the conclusion that came to me might become clear. I have become incredibly self-centered. Here is an example of my prayers for the last few months:

- God, how do I end my time at VT well?
- God, how can I honor you today?
- God, what will I be doing after I graduate?
- God, where will my next step take me?
- God, where should I look or what should I do to find a job?
- God, how do I love my friends well?
- God, how do I figure out how to interact with my friends since I am leaving?
- God, please give me wisdom.
- God, please show me how you will help me with my goals.
- God, how do I love/ interact with X? (specific friends)

Even in my desire to do things for others my prayer is about me.

I find myself feeling out of place easy. Getting frustrated with friends that are going through hard times and not talking to me about it.

Something about this time feels off from times I have felt like I was in a good relationship with God. And even now God is still using me to care for people and help them come to a better understanding of God. Like I say something that is an epiphany for them but I still feel like just some guy.

I want my focus to be on God and the things of his kingdom. I want loving my friends to be something I think/ feel like I do well, not something I feel I am failing at.

But this time it seems like I can only think in terms of I or me.

God please help me see how to live out the life you have given me. To be able to enjoy my relationships and live out the Gospel in everything I do.

Injustice and Justice

2009-03-13T17:18:00.004-04:00

So recently in IV or NLCF, I can't remember which; they were discussing justice, God's Justice. And they used an interesting definition of injustice.

Injustice is taking something from someone who has no ability to keep you (or the doer of injustice) from doing so, or being able to reclaim what was taken.

They explained it for different groups,

Sex Slaves - their sexuality meant to be shared with the person of their choosing is taken from them and abused on a daily basis, they cannot stop it or fight back.

Homeless/ Hungry - regardless of how they got there, they are unable to earn money or keep food or possessions for themselves and so often if something is taken from them they are ignored.

I think of the entire movie "Slumdog Millionaire." He constantly has anything good taken from him by others, sometimes strangers and even his own brother. The entire movie he has no recourse. The point from the talk is that we as a body are about restoring humanity and justice to people. That we should use our gifts of money, time, education, power, etc to stand for those that cannot. When I think of how if anyone took something from me or did something to me how between who I am, my money, and my connections to others with standing and more money... I will get justice....

I agree whatever my career looks like I want to be about living generously, helping others stand, showing them the respect and love God has for them and this world should have for them. But I was thinking.... using that definition we need to be careful. It is not perfect of course, but there is a side missed. I am a fan of small government. There is an old saying...

"Capitalism is unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is equal distribution of poverty, and communism is socialism with a gun to your back."

This person is obviously not a fan of communism... but how does government work? It has guns and jails to ensure you follow their rules.

So is it right as Christians to fight for social programs from the government?

How are they paid for? Taxes, taking from those who have no ability to keep you from taking from them or able to get it back.

Yeah usually the argument is that "They have enough." or "They got that money BY exploiting people it is only right to return it by taking it from them!"

I think many social and racial issues can be solved by fixing the government or ever ambiguous "System" we refer to.

But my hesitation so many times I speak with friend, brothers and sisters with God about Justice is the solution almost always is Government Program X, Y, or Z getting more money.

More money for Schools!!!! When the best systems in this country spend far less per student than the worst.

More Welfare Money!!!! When it has such a history of abuse.

Not that I do not want to see Schools improve or people be supported and find work. I do, I know God does. I just think we as Christians need to think very carefully before we get in bed with the Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, the United Way, etc.

So I ask, can you solve bring Justice to others through unjust means?

Social reconciliation... we need this too, and I see others and even myself become turned off to supporting groups and projects every day when they start saying the Government needs to take from the rich, and take care of the poor... loosing much of the money on the way.

I want to be about heart change, leading myself, my future family, and others to living lives that a generous, not insulating ourselves from pain and poverty through the government and charities... not by giving my money so some political party can have people thank them, glorify them, when it is God who should be praised...

As I write this I have passed by 2 homeless men at different times in the last 7 days. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on... but there are my 2 cents.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

I didn't see, when I was thirsty you lobbied Congress and they gave me cash... but feel free to disagree with me, most do. But I thought it was worthy of being said.

Questions

2009-03-04T22:44:00.001-05:00

I find the older I get the more my questions are not answered directly but simply lead to more and deeper questions.

Or just back to the same old questions from before...

What is healing?

2009-03-04T22:17:00.002-05:00

So I have been thinking about this for a little while. What does it mean to be healed?

In scripture we see people told to get up and walk, having sight returned, having leprosy healed. These seem kind of obvious that they are healed. Healing means the ailment they had no longer affects them.

But I am fairly healthy, I have been blessed that way. My only physical issue is moderately poor eyesight and being overweight. I have contact lenses, and have been working on my weight for a while, so those are really non-issues. The place I see myself seeking healing is emotionally.

I am by far not the most emotionally injured person but I have my share from simply being rejected by women on most occasions (varying from gracious No's to the girl not talking to me for 3 months), being the fat kid in middle school and getting picked on and disregarded, April 16th (was not in the building but close enough), to things I recently decided should not be placed on the Internet (though I am more and more willing to talk about them).

So I began asking what healing means...

Does it mean having no greater reaction to seeing/ hearing similar things to what has hurt me that others?

Does it mean defining myself by what has happened to and around me?

Does it mean forgetting?

Does it mean fighting against others feeling what I have felt?

Does it mean having someone with some expensive degree say I am fine?

Does it mean proclaiming to the world all that has happened then moving forward?

If I have a broken leg and it heals I can see the healing... what about this?

When I hear of a shooting in a place I have a connection to it hurts deeply. When I get an email from VT Alerts, my heart sinks. But I don't fall apart.

I saw parts of a video about 2 women who were abused as children by their family friend. His name was 'Alan.' Besides that, I felt a deep pain and anger about that story. It was not a distant person or a movie... it was very near me. But I still could function and talk and serve that day.

These two instances are why I wonder what healing means.

I do not want to become numb!!! I don't want to make jokes when I hear of yet another murder in my town, city, school, anywhere. I don't want to dismiss peoples pain... I want to feel the pain of those my Heavenly Father loves and has or desires to show himself to.

I ask myself and God what healing means, because for awhile I thought it was forgetting or having no greater emotional connection to other events that those who have not experienced what I have.

But the idea of numbing myself to that pain, seems so wrong. I want to be able to empathize, I want to be unable to ignore injustice because I feel it.

So again I wonder what is healing?

The closest thing I am aware of in Scripture about this is Jesus healing the leper.

Mark 1:40-45

I will only quote two verse here, verse 41 and 42 (NIV, emphasis mine)

"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. "

Jesus took the step to touch the man with leprosy, a man not touched in years. I am convinced that this is to grant him emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical healing.

I wish I knew how this man lived his life past that point... perhaps that might indicate what emotional healing looks like. Did he move forward forgetting the past? Did he work to help those around the town who still have leprosy? What? All Mark says is that rather than keeping quiet as Jesus instructed him he told all the town.

I think feeling the pain of others is good, that it is not an indication of not being or receiving healing. But the 16th is an assumption as long as I live in Blacksburg, not when I leave. So with that and other things I still wonder...

How do I let you redeem the brokenness in and around me God?

How to I use what I have experienced to encourage Your children?

How do I understand how all the brokenness I still feel fits into the idea of being a new creation in You? How can I explain that to others?

Why I Must Leave

2009-02-26T18:39:00.002-05:00

So even as recently as last May I was still convinced I would never want to leave Blacksburg. It is a great town. I have loved my time here. There is no way I would be the man I am without being her now. Of this I am sure.

But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.

I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.

I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.

1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.

2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.

3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?

So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.

Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.

These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.

Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!

And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!

The Desire to be Wanted

2009-02-01T00:23:00.002-05:00

It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.

I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.

On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.

I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.

So now what?

I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.

I have had none of this directed to me individually.

I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.

A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.

I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.

I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.

Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.

Eh, such is life.

I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.

And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.

How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?

How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?

I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...

Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.

I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...

God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.

Psalm 13

2009-01-22T01:27:00.003-05:00

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13 (ESV)
_________________

I feel like I am calling out this Psalm every time something happens here...

It is amazing how easily I forget the last 2 verses in my cry to my Father.

I go from rejoicing in the blessings He has given me and us, or complacency in them to...

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget Virginia Tech forever?
How long will you hide your face from us?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV, bold my edits)

I am torn between wanting to feel this pain and confusion because it reminds me to rely on God.

And wanting to be impervious so I can stand in times like this.

Right now I can barely stand, let alone care for those God has put in my life adequately... how easily I forget who is in control.

I am not big enough to stop these things from happening, I am not big enough to comfort my friends as they need...

that kills me...

But God is, and he is at work through me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness!! (2 Cor 12:9)

Father as I feel like Psalm 13 describes my feelings, please help me to get to the last two verses.
_______________________

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)

Why?

2009-01-21T21:18:00.001-05:00

Why does this stuff keep happening to my school???

I am so tired of getting text messages, phone calls, emails, and seeing things posted on the VT homepage.

I am tried of calling my mother to tell her I am ok.

I am tired of trying to help others make sense of what is going on.

This world is so broken.

God please help me not to loose heart.

I feel lost in the woods

2009-01-09T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'll post more once I have some time to work through this more, part of why I am headed out of Richmond later today a week early for class to take some time alone and with God.

I have no idea what is going on...

I have no idea what I want or should do when I graduate.

I am not even sure what to be up to when I get back to campus.

Over the last few months I have let my relationship with God wane a bit.

I have been spending time with him, just not the amount I need to.

The difference between now and a few weeks ago?

I have no vision...

I was on leadership with IV at Virginia Tech, I knew how to do that. I knew what to do.

I was ignoring the fact that I have a lot of choices and decisions that need to be made soon.

There are things I wanted to do with this 'free' semester, but at the moment I feel lost.

This next week is needed, I need to spend some time with an old friend, who has been waiting to hang out.

Hopefully I can start finding my way out of the woods soon.

I really hate this feeling of floating around without direction.

It would be awesome if God sent more angels to just say "do this."

But in the end this season will be good for me and deepen my relationship with God.

It just is not fun.

Christmas

2008-12-24T20:11:00.002-05:00

It has been a long week or so. I am just totally exhausted, I find myself sleeping, eating, doing various chores, or playing Phoenix Wright (it is a good game). But I am still not focused on God like I would like.

Ironic being this is the time of Advent.

I was rereading John today, and just remembering that I actually have a reason to struggle, even if all other reasons for my faith seem to fade.

I used to think this time of year was completely dumb. That Easter should be big, who cares about his birth, all it is is something required for him to do the rest. But this is equally important, as I have seen in the last few years.

His birth was a huge act of sacrifice. Not quite as big as having God temporarily turn his face away from him as happened on the cross, but still. Jesus went from being God and with God, to being a child born to a common if not poor family. He was still God but he gave up his splendor in almost its entirety to become on of his creations. He entered into creation and his own dearly loved creations did not recognize him as John says.

He went from the top of the universe, but even higher, the creator and sustainer of the universe, and now he was hungry, thirsty, and had to rely on others.

That act was the one the bridged the gap from God to man, that step is what he builds upon for our salvation. His birth is not merely a required state in order for the later ones, it is the foundation, God coming to us to rebuild the relationship we broke.

God loving us enough to be the one to have to humble himself, not making us come to him, but making the way for us.

His birth brings hope into this world.

That hope is why we struggle, we know there is better for us, we are not resigned to the way things are. We can accurately see the brokenness in the world and in ourselves. But that hope frees us to move forward.

When life is hard, I CAN struggle because of what Jesus did at his birth. I can wrestle with the view I have of myself. I can wrestle with what I want my life to look at, and I can face my past. All because of the hope of who God created me to be, the hope in the fact that He has a purpose and is doing a work in me he will take to completion.

Merry Christmas, and Thank you so much for sticking with me.

I do not deserve a God like you... God.

I do not deserve friends like you... those who are reading this and those who will never read this.

Those are some of the greatest gifts I will ever be given.

Affirmation is Hard to Take

2008-12-11T11:24:00.003-05:00

So it is the end of my last Fall Semester as an undergraduate student.

That is hard to take in, this has been my life for so long and so many things have been culminating in events in these years it is hard to think of leaving, but the closer I get the more I see it is just about time.

So with the end of the semester comes the end of my term on Vision Team (Coordinating or Exec for you other IV Chapters). I have been one of the Small Group Coordinators for 2 years. In about a week I will go from knowing what is going on and directing and trying to cast and cultivate vision to having no clue what is going on and just being along for the ride. Next semester will be my 3rd of 10 semesters no on some sort of leadership...

Last week at our last VTeam meeting we did affirmations of each other on the team. I was ready to go, one way I have been growing is speaking my mind quicker, and there were a lot of things I wanted to affirm in my teammates that were long past due...

They picked me first...

I am going to share what they said, not to brag but so you can see my dissonance.

- Several mentioned that I have "Spiritual Maturity"
- My heart for SGLs and working to see them grow
- the fact that people in the chapter follow me and I have used that to push them in positive directions
- That I have been around and know how the chapter has gone and works

others were mentioned but these stood out to me... I kept thinking of "Yeah but..."s to all of these...

- My heart grew due to others influences on me and being able to partner with them to care for our Leaders
- I have seen that people respect me and follow me, I don't quite understand it, but the "things" I did with that, really? The leaders put in all the work; I don't even think I challenged them well.
- thinking I know how the chapter runs is one of the things that has caused the most tension between me and staff this year, is that really a benefit?
- And "Spiritual Maturity"???? Really? All the stupid crap I have done, and you use that term to describe me?

It especially was surprising hearing some of these things from my Staff, I have been unsure of how they have viewed me all year. I have been under the impression that my actions and opinions have made me a royal pain in their sides. It was good to see that wasn't all I did this year.

Then we had the last SG of the semester in the on campus SG I go to. And the leaders had us send them affirmations about everyone else and they compiled them so they would be anonymous.

- Incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, earnestly cares, strong in his faith, insightful (several times), respectable, willing to listen

then the two that hit me the hardest:

- You are one of the wisest people I know. Don't doubt yourself. (I kind of want to know who wrote that)

- I am overly thankful for Allen. He's impacted my life so much in the short time I've been here, and I just enjoy hanging with him. Plus, he has a Greek Bible.

Again, I am posting these because I don't deserve any of these words.

Especially the last one, I know who wrote that, and I had honestly felt that I was wasting his time. I was not as focused or prepared for Discipleship as I wanted to be.

As a close brother of mine recently said, "We are our own worst critics." He is an artist, he should know.

All I see is how I have failed so often.

- I am not prepared
- I am talking to much
- I am betraying they're trust
- I feel like I want to run away
- I can't believe I said that!
- I only think about myself
- I have so much room to grow
- WHY ARN'T I PERFECT YET??!?!?!?
- I just want to stop letting people down or hurting them
- I keep failing
- I am tired of losing
- I am tired of judging others in my mind
- I am tired of giving up on my friends

Yet people who are around me when I think thoughts like that the most... wrote or said the stuff I put in here....

They seem so diametrically opposed... can they really all be opinions about the same person?

The guy who only has so much social energy before he has to disappear?

The guy who just this week, just yesterday got so fed up with a few friends... over something insignificant in the long run, that he just didn't (doesn't) want to deal with them anymore?

How can we be talking about the same guy?

That is why affirmation is so hard to take... but so important.

Heat... hmmmm

2008-11-18T15:42:00.001-05:00

So this is going to be legitimately short. But it is snowing today in Blacksburg, and I love it. I love Winter. But it is a bit cold in my apartment... so I turned on our heaters.

I have several Jackets to choose from, one that is ready to go with my winter golves, hat, and facemask.

I so easily forget how much of a blessing that is just to have those things...

Thanks God.

Please help me never to forget about all the blessings I have, that I have money, that I have credit to be billed later for my electricity, that I have my own place and car.

Wow.

My Life is one big Paradox

2008-11-08T13:53:00.003-05:00

I have enjoyed confidence and contentment that I am not sure I have ever known over the last few weeks.

Yet there are things I want or need to do that I hesitate to do.

The Question "What do I need to do in this situation (relationship, idea, etc.) to honor God?" both clarifies everything and doesn't.

It is so hard to tell the difference between wisdom and fear when it is a debate in acting or not when unsure of the outcome of if the action is even necessary.

I need to live a life without fear, and yet i don't want to hurt people just to live out my life without fear... which one is honoring God... is there a way to live without fear, honor God, and not hurt people?

On one hand I honestly and accurately say life is good and I am happy, on the other there are many things up in the air that I am unsure how to deal with or fix.

This seems like a welcome to life type thing, but it is also incredibly confusing.

Also the idea of Graduating in May... incredibly scary and sad, and very encouraging and exciting.

Thank the Lord I have a Father who knows how to give good gifts, and desires me to grow and has a place prepared for me...

a place I am going...

and a place I already am. (Colossians 3)

hmmmm.

Reminders in Discipleship

2008-10-24T12:16:00.002-04:00

It is really cool when you bring something to share with a younger student and it is what you need to hear.

I have been asking one of my guys to consider three questions:

1. Who is God?
2. Who am I?
3. What am I here to do?

Those questions should be read as if you or he are asking them, not asking him about me.

And so I planned to discuss 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. This occurs after Paul is discussing sexual immorality in the Church, but I find it's impacts to go further.

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (ESV)

We started to discuss this verses implications for the three questions. And came down to a few questions we both needed to consider this week...

- What would it look like if we truly believed our bodies were the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- What would it look like if we lived like we were not our own, but were God's?

I need to be reminded of these things often, I do not do either well. Thanks God.

I'm Content with Losing

2008-10-21T22:29:00.006-04:00

Besides being an Underoath song, it is a good phrase to describe me. Check out the lyrics here.

I need to preface this post with the obligatory "I am not suicidal" statement (cause people always ask when I make a post that is at all depressing) but this is something I have been struggling with over the last few years and still am struggling with.

I feel I have Joy in the Lord, I feel it, and a few people have commented on a peace about me in different points in my life.

But I am rarely happy for a long period of time. My happiness is extremely fleeting. It comes and goes about as quickly as a smile or a look.

I will take an event or a relationship or a position and make it a source of happiness. And I will enjoy it for a while, but once I hit the point where I can take a step and see if that thing will truly be more, something that helps me grow and builds into long term happiness and joy or if the extra attention I am giving it is wasted, I back off and find ways to doubt.

Ways to doubt myself, that thing or person, that situation until that happiness turns to concern and worry.

Or I have a chance to take a stand up or do something that I feel needs to happen. I will generally doubt that I need to do anything, or that I should. Nothing happens and I add fuel to my future doubts.

I prefer to feel struggle and pain to happiness. Not that I really do, but my actions tend that way, almost every time I have a risk a choice before me I chose to do nothing, to let the chance pass. I would rather miss something than fail.... but in the end I still lose.

But that is not living out a passionate life, one striving after God.

I quote this verse regularly (Matt 6:25-34) to others to help them live in the freedom Jesus gives us, and I keep myself locked in by my fear, because I am used to it, I am content in my discontentment.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (1 Cor 5:17, NIV)

It is time I gave up my fear, and my contentment with losing and being discontent and lived like the man of God that I am now... a man that can stand in the face of sin and fear in the power of Christ.

A man that goes not by names given by the enemy or his own flesh but...

by the name(s) God gave him...

Desirable, My Child, Enough.

Added 10/23/08:
It is hard to believe that for long when just about every time I take a chance with anything... I fail. Part of me thinks that at least losing only hurts me. Why are lies so much easier to believe than truth?

I am not Strong enough

2008-09-28T10:33:00.003-04:00

So I have felt really weak lately. Odd because I have lost 20 some pounds since May and my body is stronger than it has been in years.

But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.

And I can't do anything.

There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.

I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.

That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...

But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.

God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.

Not Sure What to Write

2008-09-25T16:48:00.003-04:00

I just want to blog... and I have so much to say but am not sure how to say it. Or at the moment what it is.

So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:

- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride

I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.

I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.

But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.

It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.

But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.

As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?

Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.

And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.

So dumb.

It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.

Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.

But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.

God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.

Not that I am perfect mind you.

It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.

Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.

Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.

So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.

It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.

Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.

God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.

But for now where I am at.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5

2008-09-12T23:52:00.003-04:00

This was shared with me recently and really was encouraging to me.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

Emphasis mine.

Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.

My EMT

2008-09-12T23:07:00.003-04:00

This summer I started needing 36 hours of continuing education hours for my EMT. I wanted to keep my EMT, but was not sure if I could do it.

And some of you know how much my EMT has been a blessing and a curse. You can look at my second blog entry to see one instance. It is a source of pride and obligation. An Identity that is not God. It at times is a competing identity with my identity in God.

So I prayed in May... "God if you want me to keep this please open the doors, if not please close all doors, until then I am going to do all I can to get it. I want this to be yours if I keep it."

So I started, online I easily got 24 of my classes after work and such.

Looking for the last 12 I easily found 10 of them.

Several classes were while I was in Italy.

I got back from Italy and one of the last 2 hours I was looking for got moved.

So crap, how am I going to get this. One of my instructors gave me the credit cause I helped him teach that section in his class.

SWEET.

I got all my hours, but it is mid-July.

I went to apply to my squad, and try to get them to agree to sign me off on my EMT once my hours cleared.

They told me I have not ridden enough and they would not accept me back because I was about to go back to school and would not be able to ride... all because by turning 21 I got kicked out of the Junior squad where I was a full member and could go on leave of absence. Nope not this time.

WELL CRAP!!! I have spent so many hours finding and taking classes, I could have slept, read or done any number of things with this time.

Now to keep my EMT I have to retest. The test has two parts a multiple choice section and a practical portion. I am a good test taker so I think the first part is doable, but the practical portion is going to be hard, I had a partner that I had practiced with last time and had been preparing specifically for this for 2 months last time. I don't know if I could pass that part again without more time.

So yet again I started to make peace with not being an EMT come the end of August.

Then I looked into it, if I take the test before I expire I only have to take the written portion.

Sweet, I can do that.

But there are only two dates I can make the test... 1 the day before I need to be back in Blacksburg in Richmond and 1 the Saturday before classes start in Roanoke.

The second would be during NSO, that would suck... but I am not sure I'll get my letter in time for signing up for the test. I need it in 5 days, and my last few hours have not shown up.

So I emailed the Office of EMS asking about it.

I call my Instructor for those last two classes, she knows the guy at the OEMS and will take up my hours personally in 2 days.

I called ODEMSA (the local EMS Alliance that runs the test site). They said since I only have to take the written part I have until 3 days before the test, that give me like another week!!!

Then I get an email from the OEMS guy and he called mt Instructor got my hours in the system and will email a copy of my letter to me and CC the test site by tomorrow or the next day!!!!

WOW. Now I have to study.

I am confident I can save someones life, but these details are hard to keep straight, for a test atleast.

I took the test, ironically the class I was working with (for my CEUs I helped the Instructor teach) was testing that day.

The test was hard, I had answers but never quite the same as my wording or thought process.

So for the third or fourth time I was preparing myself to not be an EMT.

Before classes started I got a call from my family... I passed.

I don't think it translated well here, but I kept having doors shut, nothing open, then right when I would hit the now or never point, a door would open that I could step through. Like a continuous process trying to break my EMT away from being an identity of mine and move it to an aspect of me, something nolonger competeing with God, but subservient to him.

Lets hope it stays that way.

I am Lame

2008-09-12T22:39:00.002-04:00

So it is 10:40pm on a Friday night.

And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).

I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.

I am just exhausted.

I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.

It is the stupid little things.

This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.

I even journaled on how content I felt.

Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.

But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.

I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.

So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.

Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.

Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2008-08-30T18:20:00.006-04:00

So I may have written this before but I need to write it again.

I have a limit, I have mental disciplines that help reduce my worry and stress level but they only work to a point. Almost like my productivity and sanity are made better with one level of stress, i go in to survival mode when another level is reached, and when i exceed the last marker I just lose it.

Luckily I know what to do when I lose it, sleep and refocus on God, and in a few hours I am back to survival mode or my optimal stress level. But it takes a few hours.

So this week:

- NSO, awesome time, but for Vision Team and SGLs it is sooooo busy
- Cancellation of an NSO event due to rain, that kinda bugged me, but that was not in our control
- With classes starting I have been in survival mode (I get really task oriented) and have not been having good interaction with my friends
- Part of the previous point conversations like this (this is mostly with just a few of my close friends but has happened with others too)

Me: "Hey, can you do this for X event."
Friend: "Sure, blah blah blah."
Me: "Awesome, blah blah details blah"
Friend: "Ok, I'll take care of it."
Me: "Thanks... .... .... .... Um, how is..... ..... ..... bye."

- Trying to balance my position trying to push and care for the other leaders and still being thier friend, not being "power hungry" or "lecturing" but still Allen

As a friend said in a text conversation earlier Friday "It seems like just when I start to get ahead or on track something else pops up" (horribly paraphrased, sorry)

Oh boy.... I had no idea how true that would be in my life.

Friday night: projector issues occurred during our first 180, which as an old AV guy, I take personally a bit, then we had a huge party in my apartment complex that went awesomely, likely 1/3 to 1/2 of the people were new.... but

On my way back I got a call that my parents were stuck in WVA, thier car broke down. We are talking for good. They wanted to see if i could get them to a hotel and a rental car.

I am in the middle of hosting an event, our projector (the NEW projector) is acting up, I am in charge of an event in the morning, and there is a Football game later in the afternoon.

AHHHHHHH.

I get my roommate and a friend to act as host. And annother Vision Team member cover for me in the morning. Then plans changed and I was leaving in the morning. So instead of continuing to be in the party I tried to go to bed with Rock Band going in the other room. Which wouldn't be a problem but I was thinking to hard. And texting people, the guy who was coving for me I was sending him what I had to do, one guy offered to come and I was talking to him about staying, my family was sending me info about where they were, and one person was talking to me about SGL stuff, kinda, that conversation was the worse for me just over talking and analizing.

The drive itself was awesome, I needed the time alone. It was good to talk and sort through life with myself and God for a few hours.

I get back and I thought that we would be set up to watch the game. No, the guy doing that is at my doorstep 30 min before kick off. lots of mis-communication caused that. Then the room we got that I was under the impression got cable, didn't so I am on my way to watch the game, and we invited freshmen and we got nothing.

I went from feeling good to just not wanting to show up and deal with anything.

If anything the last 48 Hours are just another reminder that this is God's thing not mine. Cause now, at the end of the day all is good. We had good freshman turn out to many events, my parents are in a rental car and where they were trying to get. I still have my sanity and my faith.

My friends have more grace for me than I will ever deserve. Thanks.

To my roommate and friend: Thanks for covering the party last night that was good to have off my plate. Thanks for your support.

To the guy that offered to come with me: Thanks, I know in the end I kinda blew you off, but it meant a lot to me that you made the offer and were serious about it.

To the guy that covered for me: Thanks bro, it was nice to not have to worry about that.

To the others who saw/ heard/ or read my worry and just over thinking last night: Thank you so much for your friendship, it means a lot. And thank you for your grace for me when I am in survival mode or fully freaking out. I have not and will not ever earn that consideration, I thank God he blessed me with such awesome people to lean on and to talk to when I need to get my thoughts and worries out.

I can't live this life alone.... but God has surrounded me with people who help me every day to make it through.

Thanks.

NSO Crazyness

2008-08-30T18:02:00.002-04:00

So I have had a pretty crazy few days, but that is to come. I feel the first post in a month should be glorifying to God... then I can share the complaints.

Here are some of the crazy things that have happened in this years NSO (New Student Outreach)

- One SG has about 40 people legitimately interested in a dorm that we have struggled to have any intrest from since before my time.

- One Leader was approached at one of our events by about 10 girls that basically said "Hi, we are from dorm X, we are Christians and we want a Small Group." I mean how many times do you hear of a small group in search of a Small Group Leader????

- 2 guys in our chapter were having a debate about relationships, how they progress and such from my understanding, and it went from 2 guys to like half the hall (our students and new ones) drawing diagrams (we are an engineering school) and such and them then coming out and freshmen asking if they can go to the SG of the leader that was involved in starting the discussion.

- While manning the card station at our "Ice Cream Bash" where people would turn in contact cards, I was asking people to turn in cards and hyping the drawing for an itunes gift card. several girls said to me "We don't need a Small Group we are in Susan's." WHO HAS OWNERSHIP IN A SMALL GROUP BEFORE THE FIRST MEETING!?!?!?!?! (Fairly sure it is God not the SGLs effort herself)

- On of the SGLs who I know well, we were in the same SG last year and she is continuing that SG this year, was talking to a freshman guy with several other people. Due to an odd turn of events (a balloon getting stuck in a tree, which I ended up not helping with afterall) I came over and met this guy. We walked him back to his dorm, and went were hanging out at my place that night. I go to class the next day and as I am leacing my last class of the day I look up and it is the guy from the night before. We ended up getting lunch later that week, he is a pretty awesome guy.

- One SGL added a guy on facebook this summer to welcome him to VT.... later he found they are living on the same hall.

- Several SGs helped people move in to dorms (well all did) but several meet multiple people who later came out to events showing interest in IV

- One SGL commented on how everything he did last year in his dorm to meet and care for guys felt like an uphill battle, but this year almost like people were falling into thier laps to care for.

I mean there is something to be said for good planning cause most of our events have been much smoother than ever before, but most of these things are totally God things.

And when you are completely task oriented trying to make these events happen it is nice to see that God is honoring your time, and working so much more than you ever could.

Thanks God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rant 1 - People with False Identity Trying to Fix Identity Based Situations

2008-07-30T19:22:00.003-04:00

So I have been considering reconciliation. It is a fairly simple concept. One person hurts another. The first gives up their superiority and humbles them self to apologize for the infraction. The second humbles them self to accept the apology and gives up their right to be angry at the other. From that spot they begin to rebuild their relationship. Simple.... but really hard to do. And all reconciliation is the same as this. They are harder because they involve issues that are deep in people identities rather than a slight or mistake. But all reconciliation situations can involve identity issues. It is amazing how easy it is to hurt or damage someone else.

So why am I talking about this. The best way for reconciliation to happen, and I think in the harder cases of racial and gender reconciliation people must have a solid identity to do the work of reconciliation out of. You can not reconcile well unless you reconcile as someone worth reconciling with towards someone worth reconciling with. We must value ourselves and our neighbor as our self. To reconcile we must meet on an equal footing, which means we cannot be putting the other below us, or ourselves below them to do it.

Using the example of racial reconciliation.

The majority must realize that they do have a culture that is worthy of identifying with. That their culture honors God and brings an aspect of who God is to the world that no other group does. They also need to know that their culture has some things to answer for and apologize for. That sin has entered this would through them in a unique way as well.

What annoys me is how often that those in the majority culture (whites in the US) who care about racial reconciliation have this idea that they have only things to make up for. That all they can do is defame themselves until the other groups are placated. That to be white is to be only something that is evil, something to be repented of.

The minority must realize similar things. One that regardless of what the majority has done they have awesome things to bring to this world. Also that they have their own issues to deal with and make up for. That they have to humble themselves as well.

I see, on TV, how many of those that speak out about racial issues on the minority side do it from this point of superiority or entitlement. They speak out for their group and expect the majority to roll over and destroy themselves. Or they blame the majority for all their problems.

I don't want to sound racist or anything. And I am sure there are many out there that fit this, but...

What we really need if we want to see real reconciliation between the races is people that are convinced of their personal worth and the worth of their group. But if they stop there all you have is the KKK and Black Panthers. We need people that take the next step that see the worth of others and other groups as equal to their own. And people that take that outlook to a mindset of serving others over their own best interest.

ONLY then can we truly have reconciliation.

So whites on TV... please value your ethnicity. Please do not bend your identity to other groups and their demands on you. Yes keep working towards the betterment of minorities, but don't minimize your importance to God or their worth to God with how you try to serve. Don't think you can fix it, only God can, just love, respect and partner with others to see how to fight for change.

And to Minorities, please keep showing us where we need to grow. I know the majority has a tendency to miss things, big things. Please do not defame yourself by giving us all the power in your life, to both destroy and rebuild. By giving us the power you keep us in a place we do not belong, a place we should never have taken. Please stand tall in your ethnicity. And help us learn how to interact with you on an equal platform.

----

Now I need to say, I am really really just starting in my understanding of racial reconciliation. So please help me grow in this. If I have said something incorrect please give the the benefit of the doubt in my wording, and if it is still wrong please correct me. But I feel that my observations are accurate even with my limited knowledge here. This is a hard area to care and learn about, but it is worth it from what little I have seen so far.

God please help me to see what I have not seen. To see as close to the way you do as I possibly can.

Crappy Day

2008-07-20T22:25:00.002-04:00

Did you ever have a day that just sucked. Not for you, like the whole day is bad.

Friday was one such day.

I get into work, and the ambulance is there. Someone crushed his hand a little bit before I got there. Great start to the day.

Earlier that morning the Waste Water Treatment Plant on sight had some issues and my Boss was called at 3 am. Not as big of a deal but both kinda set the tone for the day.

Then I went on duty with the rescue squad as an observer. We picked up a guy who was having chest pain. The paramedic on the crew couldn't see what was wrong, his history fit what we found, but the monitor gave a few flags so we alerted the hospital. We dropped him off and moved on as usual. We picked up someone else later that night and took them to the same hospital. We got back in time to find that they pronounced him. The hospital Docs and machines said nothing was found, but he died.

Usually we don't know what happens, in this case I would almost prefer it. Now I just see him looking up at me helplessly on the ride to the hospital. I felt awkward each time he looked at me like that, I didn't know what to say. Now I wish I had said something, I just don't know what.

And in between the calls one of the girls on the crew slammed her hand in the door and had to get stitches.

What the crap?

Just a bad day.

The Virtues of Self-Hatred

2008-07-20T21:21:00.002-04:00

I am a white male, I have a lot to hate myself for. Think about it.

White:
- Superiority Complex
- Destruction of other groups within our ethnicity
- Conquest of other ethnic groups
- Native American near genocide
- Slave Trade (with help from a few other groups)
- Use of Slaves
- Jim Crow Laws
- Holocaust (and hesitation to act against it)
- Economic Rape of Latin America
- Success no matter the cost mindset
- Crusades
- Lynching of African Americans
- KKK
- Setting up the American System that so many hate
- Idea of Color Blindness
- obliviousness

Male:
- Most Crimes
- Most Sexual Assults
- Demeaning Women
- Staying silent when we should act
- Superiority Complex
- Obliviousness
- Gender Blindness
- Ignorance
- Conquering of other groups
- Success no mater the cost mind set

There are more for each group.

Look at that. Several are even repeats so it is even worse. Shouldn't we hate ourselves... everyone else seems to.

And think about it, if we hate ourselves that actually makes life easier. Groups I was born into have screwed the crap out of the world, I am blamed and expected to fix all this crap. It would be so much easier to just agree with the world. If I join them in hating us, hating myself then what they say means nothing.

--

"STUPID WHITY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU SCREW WITH EVERYTHING!!!"

"Yeah, and not just that but we demean women too. We just suck."

--

"Men are just after sex"

"Yeah, pretty much"

---

I mean no one can hurt you if your view of yourself is so much lower than theirs is.

You can avoid doing anything about all this too. I mean if you care and think you are actually able to do something about it you have to think and plan and care. If you think you are unfixable you can just enjoy all the escapes we have developed and just not care. That is so much easier.

Self-Hatred opens us as white men up to a world where we can enjoy it. We can enjoy our own company, our pity parties, our movies. We don't have to fix anything or care about the crap in this world, after all every time we try to do something it is just for our benefit anyway, and we can't do anything without screwing up someone elses life, lets just accept it.

And our self respect will be constant, no ones chiding or attacks will ever make us think less of ourselves than we do now. I mean isn't that what everyone wants, us to hate ourselves for enough generations until we have suffered as much as them?

I mean why care? If we try to help people, apologize for the past, spend our time and money to help people excel, we still can't stand tall, cause someone else will attack us for being just like every other white male.

I mean not that our motivation should be respect for helping people, it would come out of obligation for all the crap we have pulled.

I mean who out there is truly calling for equality of the ethnicities? A world where every person can stand tall proud of their ethnicity and gender but with respect and admiration of the others. No one is really proposing that are they? I haven't heard it. The White man is the devil, men are the devil, or adding insult to injury whites fire those right back.

Isn't it just simpler to accept what everyone says and hate yourself so noone elses opinion maters?

What do you care about?

2008-07-20T21:03:00.003-04:00

So I have a rant or 2 I want to write about, but I want to set the stage with a few other posts.

How can you tell what people care about?

Time and Money.

If you care about something you will spend your time and money on it. Time is the only recourse we cannot get more of, and we trade time for money.

Look at your budget, where your money goes is one of the best indicators of what you really care about. Where does your time go? That is a great indicator.

I don't wanna hear any of this crap about "I advocate" or "I write blogs that shows I care" or whatever.

If we care about any issue we show it through how we spend our time and money.

That means that I personally have a lot of growing to do, because right now I don't pass that test for caring about the poor or racial reconciliation. But I am growing in those areas.

That is why so often you hear advocates attacked by phrases like "Well if you believe this why aren't you doing X."

If we truly care about something we should be willing to sacrifice for it. I just needed to say that before I discuss my rant soon.

Escapism???

2008-06-30T22:12:00.002-04:00

Escapism: "the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in an imaginative situation, activity, etc. "

Sometimes I wonder if I am a bit escapist. I watch anime fairly regularly not in the last month or so though). I own quite a few movies. I own a Wii. My comfort zone is my own mind (I have talked to a few of you about that concept, I don't know if I have mentioned it here).

And I can't wait to turn off my PC and cell phone for 2 weeks. To be in another country, completely inaccessible.

But even with that I have had some awesome conversations in the last few days with people I care for dearly. And I do not want to be apart from them.

I don't want to leave those I love, that is part of why graduating scares me, and why a few of us are looking to move to the same city and serve together...

And at the same time a friends desire to leave and move on is finally starting to make a little sense, although I still morn the fact that people must leave.

And yet there are others, some I love and others honestly I don't have much closeness with that I am happy to see leave, either because I can see what lies before them and I want that for them, or my life gets easier with them gone.

Sometimes life is hard and I want to run to a game, a movie, anime, away. Other times life gets hard and I want to step up and overcome the situation.

I have said and desired for many years someone to love, care for, grow with, and be challenged by. And yet I also want to be alone.

What do you do with feelings like that? Do you ignore them? That feels like you are denying yourself. Do you embrace them? Many are diametrically opposed.

Do you say screw it and run away to another town, state, country? Do you stay?

Do you retreat into your mind, where one minuet you can have a close friend or friends to share experiences with and the next no one, whatever you want at the moment? But can you cast your mind aside and still think, reason, and plan?

Do you throw you mind completely away and live out life as you want in the moment, without regard to the pain you could cause others?

Caution vs. Excitement
Risk vs. Reward
Life vs. Death
Honor vs. Humiliation
Hope vs. Failure (rejection)
Wanting vs. Having
Safety vs Danger
Existing vs. Living

Love God, Love Self, Love Others, Love Creation

Love neighbor AS self

How do you reconcile all this into a life style that worth living?

I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "Well that was a safe life, I took no risks, and had a predictable life, where I wasn't super happy, but I was never sad, and I never hurt anyone."

But I don't wanna say "WOOO I had a blast, and I don't care how many people were hurt, it was worth it for the ride!!!"

But sometimes the little step from safety to living life feels like the leap from safety and courtosy to selfishness and thrill seaking.

Rather than try to wade through all this... isn't it easier just to run to another country for a few weeks? Get lost in the newest game or movies?

Heck in your mind you can live life however you want... and "noone" gets hurt.

Is standing up for the weak worth the danger?
Is asking that girl (guy for you ladies) out, or telling her(him) how much you admire them worth the risk of hurting them, or being rejected?
Or is it worth the time and effort to figure out how to love your sisters/brothers when you have no interest in them (that one might be harder)?
Is being there for your friend as they struggle worth the time and emotional energy from you?
Is it worth it to take a job (career path) you might love for less pay than the one that will pay you the most?
Is it worth it to stand up for what is best for you community even if you are the only one that thinks so?

I'd like to think yes to all those, but how many times do my actions, or your actions, indicate otherwise?

Surrounded by Death... and Life

2008-06-30T22:02:00.002-04:00

So the last year it has been hard in many way. On is that I have felt like death is waiting at every turn. I mean wouldn't you:

- April 07 - 4/16
- Summer 07 - Beating or whatever in Greensboro (see first blog post)
- Fall 07 - Guy jumps out of Pritchard to his death
- November 07 - Uncle Dies
- Feb 08 - NIU Shooting
- Spring 08 - Car hits 5 people I know that are good friends of a few of my friends, one dies

It got to the point where I could not go to the prayer meetings for these events. I wanted to pray with my community about these events and support those struggling with them. But after the prayer night for the guy in Pritchard I avoided the other ones. I did go to a morning one for NIU but anything at night I skipped. Being a room with my friends greiving and praying for another death, I just couldn't do it.

But recently I have been blessed seeing life all around me and within the last year:

- 2 Babies born to people involved with IV @ VT
- 1 Baby born to a friend from back home
- Wes and Lindsey's Wedding
- Graduations
- Several friends got engadged
- Chris and Kathryn's Wedding
- My grandparent's 50th wedding aniversary

So yeah, I think death has been more prevelent or visible in the last year, but God is protecting his people in many ways and even in our world filled with death and pain, there are signs of his grace, love and plan.

Sometimes you just have to stop looking at the crap and look for the good things.

What is in a Name????

2008-06-28T20:48:00.005-04:00

So I have been thinking...

How presumptuous is it to say "God you are _____."???

Put whatever you want there.

We hear things that are wrong like bad, uncaring, and such all the time. But even if we say things that are true like love, just, our father, 'with us' or anything else that is true. These statements can only reduce or degrade God from who he is into that name. Even giving him the gendered pronoun "He" belittles him. He is not a he, he has no y chromosome, he has no need of that kind of description, in fact for many it harms their ability to understand and meet him. It is an insult to who he is to name him.

So at this point you should be mad or confused... or both. And I am okay with that, in fact I am hoping for that. Please bear with me til I finish this.

Take any name:
Jesus
"I Am"
Prince of Peace
King of Kings
Emmanuel
Jehovah
El Shaddai
Father
The Trinity
Christ
Redeemer
Creator

There are so many more. I submit that all of these abase our Lord. You call me Allen, a man, whatever name that is true of me (I don't want to discuss false names right now) you have given me a good name. You have captured me, described me. Webster's defines "name" as "a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing." So when we name God we are trying to designate him, define him. Any name we as limited beings can give him is grossly inferior to describe who he is.

Let me show this a little better. A line in math goes from infinity to infinity. It is still a hugely inadequate metaphor, but it will work. So when we give God a name we are throwing a box over part of that line.

As you can see we have many names some over lap, some cover more ground that others, but none can fully describe the line. A box is inadequate to describe a line because it has to be finite, to be a box is to be finite, so we define lines with equations in math, even then when you use an equation it is always using that equation in a finite area. We can conceive infinity only in theory we cannot wrap our minds completely around it. It is something we run into with enough frequency we just decide it exists and try to work around it and use it. When we name God we are trying to use a square to define a line.

So why do we name God when we cannot even come close?

He does. He names himself for us and rejoices in us using and saying his names.

"Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"
God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "Exodus 3:13-14

God humiliates himself by giving himself names so we can interact with him. Think about it. He desires a relationship with us, we by nature name and interact with people and things with names. If God was rightfully against defaming himself like any of us are (how much do you hate when someone makes light of your accomplishments, position, abilities, character?). He wants that relationship so much that he is willing to reduce himself so we can interact with him. The names we have and use are not wrong (again assuming the ones based in Truth) just not ALL of God. God has chosen to rejoice in our interacting with him in this way.

We get to interact with God on a personal level. He has reduced himself so we can have a personal relationship with him. If you think about it God did it again when he came here in the person of Jesus to teach and to reconcile us to himself. God constantly makes himself lesser than he is, lesser than he deserves for His love of us.

So rejoice in how humble and loving our Father is that he loves us and wants to interact with us so much more than he desires his own rights or how much he deserves respect and possition.

But I do want to make one caution in this. Any name we have for God is by definition finite. We must be sure that we love Him, not any name we have for Him.

How many times have you heard "If God is (Love, Just, Good, etc.) he would dd (or not do) X." or "God would be under a bridge not in the suburb." or any other sweeping statement like that. Those all come from taking one aspect of an infinite God that is true and either misunderstanding or applying it to the exclusion of the other parts of who he is. We need to be sure that this gift of personal interaction with God remains what is was intended for. To interact with God personally, not to alienate his childeren from one another or to missunderstand God and his goals and purposes. To use his names to interact and love him as best we can, not to make our own god out of parts of The One True God.

So this was especially long, but it has been on my mind a while. And yes I found a thesaurus.

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God... Thank you for your many names, and for loving us so much more than we can comprehend to reduce yourself in so many ways just to be in relationship with us and to restore us to right relationship with you.

A few more thoughts

2008-06-23T23:43:00.004-04:00

So I have been compiling a list of posts I want to write, but they always seem rougher when I write them than in my mind, I'll try to work on that a bit, anyway...

The first guy to disciple me intentionally that I knew about besides my parents and I were talking once and he gave me his health test. I don't remember exactly what he called it, but even now I still use it in the back of my mind. I am not sure if he came up with it or heard it somewhere, but here it is:

Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?

Ok, now Spiritually, Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?

Simple, but very telling. If you ask yourself what does it mean to sleep spiritually, think of it more like "rest" rather than sleep. If you are still not sure, I'd look into that, same goes for the rest. So for me...

Am I:
- Eating? Yes, trying to eat better portions and variety, making some progress.
- Sleeping? Yes, 6-8 hours a night, but I am still usually tired.
- Exercising? Nope, I was doing a lot of outdoor work at work for a while that was exercise, lifting and moving drums and such, but the last week or so I have spent most of my time asleep, or at a PC (8 hours a day at work!!)

Ok, now Spiritually, am I:
- Eating? A little, not as much as I need. want to. As evidence, I am writing this before bed rather than having the quiet time that is on my to-do list for the day.
- Sleeping? Yeah, taking time to rest, God has blessed me in seeing him in just about everything (more on that later)
- Exercising? A Little, but I have been so busy doing other stuff I have not been as much as I want/ need to.

So there I am. I hope this blesses you as it has me.

Year in Review

2008-06-23T22:58:00.004-04:00

To start of way more people read this than I thought. Two people are subscribed to it on Google Reader, at least 4 people have links to my blog in theirs, and recently at least 2 friends that I did not know blog or read blogs commented on my posts, and a person from the intertubes that doesn't seem to just be trying to get me to buy something or join their new blog hosting site. So thank you everyone for reading and please comment if you have thoughts I like the chance to be pushed to grow and refine and be encouraged. Also please feel free to email or call me if you have that contact already if you have concerns about a post, especially with this being about my life some people come up, I try to remove identifiers but it doesn't always work.

So I a tradition that at the end or each academic year I debrief my year (for this post defined as the time from the start of GUPY to Rockbridge), try to pick out from my old journal entries the major events, struggles, and blessings of the year and try to analyze them a bit removed. Usually I have 5+ items and work my way through the list. I had a list this year too, but as I looked at it I saw a similarity that was overwhelming. The were not several big lessons (millions of small ones) but there was one big lesson in all of them. I need to look at life from the Big Picture, God's Point of View (as much as a mortal mind can handle of course). The events I saw were:

- Emotional Breakdown in Greensboro
- Emotional breakdown in Mexico
- Struggling not being in GUPY
- Struggling to find a desire to do something... anything (about 6 months after the 16th)
- Struggling with my singleness
- Struggling with the fact that I give relationship and other advice all the time and it seems to work out well for others but not for me
- Struggling with enjoying and wanting to serve on Vision Team (I am glad I am still on but I had a period where I lost all joy in it)
- Feeling like Death was all around me
- About having a break down from stress with Leadership Applications
- Feeling alone
- Stress from Classes
- Stress from a long To-Do list for the summer

So this is only the bad things, but all are me worrying about the short term. I am single now, but got has something better for me (freedom in singleness or an awesome relationship). I had a week where I felt like the VT chapter was going to collapse while I was on Vision Team and I should have gotten out when I had the chance. Classes, important but not worth all that. And death was all around me (16th, Pritchard jumper, Uncle dieing, NIU, friends hit by a car and one dieing), but so was God. Some is pure jealousy and feeling like God owes me for what I give up for him and the chapter, how selfish is that? How arrogant?

I feel like each of these and more instances all stem from wants and needs in cases that are valid, but the worry and pain came from looking shortsightedly. Not seeing that God is in control, he is working out his plan and will in the world. I want/ need X, I don't have it, WHAT THE CRAP GOD????

I feel like the whole time God is loving and caring for me, but also saying "My child, I have it under control and things are going to blow your socks off if you just wait and trust me."

Like a kid who wants to run and play across the street at the play ground a place that is good, but the parents say no cause a car is coming or they are not quite old enough to play on that piece of equipment. When we grow up we think we know it all, we can finally make those calls for ourselves, but how much more are we still like the kids that just want what looks cool, what is good, and sometimes just what we rationalize to be good, but God knows better.

Isn't that part of where our freedom in Christ comes from? We know that God will give us what we need. Not always what we want, but if we truly needed a sandwich to continue to believe he would give it. If we needed a rain, a nap, whatever he give is willingly and joyfully to us when we need it. But he also withholds to grow our faith, grow us as men and women of God, and/ or because he has something better that we need to wait to receive. And in the mean time we are free to serve and seek him!

I grew a lot from this year, and being me I don't regret anything, but rejoice in the growth I see from it (at least that is what I say over and over until I feel it).

Thank you God that your point of view is greater than ours, that in small ways you let us get glimpses of your point of view. And that we can trust in you having that view and love of us to care for us better than we can.

I agree...

2008-06-19T20:59:00.010-04:00

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
~Rich Mullins "If I Stand"

So every few months I end up going back to my 90s Christian Contemporary that I listened to in Middle and High School. Every time I find songs that encourage or touch me where I am. It is weird to think stuff that I heard a while back can still affect me.

Thanks God!

A Short Post

2008-06-08T22:04:00.003-04:00

So I can't seem to write a short Blog post... so here it goes.

Kathryn's Wedding

2008-06-08T21:27:00.004-04:00

Last weekend was crazy. I spent over 14 hours in a car that weekend. But it was a great choice. I got to talk with Jeremy for a while on the way to and from VA. While in our pit stop in Greensboro; Jeremy, Dan and myself had a great conversation as discussed by Jeremy in his post on this topic.

The next day I got to have a lot of great conversations and just hang out time with Jeremy, Dan, Catherine, and Jenny; and got to see Drew, Erin, and Kathryn a little though due to other obligations not as much time with those three, Oh and of course Marshall and Diane it was awesome to get to see them too!! I feel like the time we got to spend with the GUPY 07 crew was a needed breath of fresh air for all of us. And I know that for Jeremy, Jenny, and myself it was especially encouraging.

But the ceremony simply blew me away. If you are reading this and I attended your wedding in the past this is nothing against you, this is a testament to where I am and to the substantially different feel this ceremony had. BUT... WOW!!! Usually I enjoy myself but leave feeling sadness that I don't have that deep relationship, or even a relationship that I can invest in that is deepening (I have many close friends, and several are awesome women of God, but at least at this point they are all about as deep as they will ever be, which is still a blessing but not the same... ya know?). I leave looking out the window asking God why it can't be me. Many ceremonies I felt out of place wanting to take a few photos... I was not even close to the only one at this wedding. Sometimes I have felt like I am not close enough to the couple to be there, like I am sneaking in with their "group" of friends but not being one myself. This one is majorly my perception in the past, and I should if I felt that before feel it now... after all I only spent 2 months with the bride one summer... but I felt like I belonged there that day celebrating with the family and friends. And that was what it was! The groomsmen came down the isle to a sweet sounding tune, the brides maids were dancing down the isle, and the bride had a smile on her face as big as I have ever seen (And if you don't know her... this girl can SMILE). There was a gospel choir that sang a few times... once right in the middle of the exchanging of the vows (not exactly but not sure how to explain it) and the bride was clapping her hands and praising God with the rest of the people there.

It was truly a celebration of God and of this couple. Elements of tradition but it screamed of their personality (I don't know him so on that part I am inferring). I feel like the couple got to spend time with everyone... she spent time with the IV Wilmington crew, dragged Jenny on the dance floor, fussed at me for taking more pics than dancing, enjoyed dancing and being with her new husband. It wasn't rigid, it didn't feel like the family (or friends but the family is more famous for it) were pushing their wants on the couple... it felt like what it should be... a celebration of God and his goodness and of their relationship and new commitment and new life together.

On the way back we were talking and mentioned things we were giving up for God and how some people see those things we (that group talking) were giving up freely in love and trust of God as God holding out on them, one of the things mentioned was a "relationship worth investing in." But as it was said, as I agreed (nothing against the women in my life but God just hasn't given me a relationship like that yet), as we discussed that and other topics on our ride back, for me and I think for the other 3 in the car there was an element of joy, excitement, and peace about that... something I have never felt after a wedding before.

The longing is still there, I feel like that is healthy, good, and expected in a single 20-something. But I feel I experienced a taste of God's providence in that wedding. I feel like I was seeing and celebrating God giving that couple the very thing I have desired so long... I mean all my life since girls stopped being gross :). Like God was reminding me "Yes I am good... remember. And yes I do have a plan, a plan that you will experience this one day and not just observe or experience as a friend of those who are, just trust me until then."

Thank you God for reminding me in a way I could see and feel that you are good... and that you have a plan for me more awesome than I can imagine. That you know the desires of my heart and are not ignoring them.

And thank you Kathryn and Chris, for letting your love and your personalities shine through in your wedding, and for having praise and thanks to God being an integral part.

And thank you GUPY 07 (this includes Marshall) for loving me and helping me to better understand each day the love God has for me. For encouraging me, and letting me ramble... often :)

*and yes I got a little link happy*

Too Busy

2008-06-04T22:02:00.002-04:00

So I have a 8-5 job now, and on top of that I am trying to get EMT CEUs, clean my room, and a whole page of other tasks. I have been pushing myself really hard to get this all done soon, I am tired and just kinda overwhelmed at times... but today for the first time in a week or so I sat down (well laid down) and had a quiet time.

I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.

Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.

Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.

God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.

My Name is "Desirable"??

2008-05-19T23:00:00.007-04:00

So Marshall Benbow spoke at VT a few weeks ago. His talk was awesome as always and then, since it was our joint large group with CCF (a Korean American Campus Ministry that meets right next to us that we have developed a relationship with), their speaker got up and scrapped his talk to elaborate on what Marshall said, read Marshall's post for some more details. But at the end of Marshall's talk he challenged us to ask God what our name is. The name that He gives us not the names we give ourselves. The name that came to my mind as I prayed was "Desirable" and I didn't tell anyone. I am sad to say my initial though was "Hmmm... that sounds like a girls name." But as the name sunk in that night and over the next few weeks I feel that it is my name. I thought of the names I have given myself:

Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.

Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.

Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.

Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).

After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.

Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...

BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.

Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.

Saying Good Bye

2008-05-19T22:26:00.004-04:00

So the last few weeks have been really hard. I mean the end of each year is hard, leaving friends for a few months and having to readjust to being under your parents roof again. But this time is harder. This time I have been at VT for 4 years. This time I should be leaving too.

I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.

As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.

Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.

Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.

But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.

I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.

God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.

If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.

You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!

One Year Later

2008-04-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

One year later and so much has not changed. I read my journal, same basic thoughts, pains, desires, and questions. Has anything happened this year? What has God been up to?

Right there is the problem. The emotions of hopelessness and loneliness that come with events like this can so overwhelm all that has happened.

- Deepened Friendships
- Met brothers and sisters in Mexico
- Met and grew with 9 other awesome students in Greensboro, NC
- 3ish non-Christians have begun to call my community their home
- I have been a part of the work of God in many in the last year
- God has sooo much more planned and so much more has happened that just this

But how quickly pain and finding one or two emotions/ desires left seemingly unmet or unresolved and seemingly ignored by our "loving" God can take away from the joy that comes from seeing all that has happened.

God thank you for your redemptive work in our lives and this world. Please help me to focus on you and the work that is happening not the things I feel you are not doing. Help me to trust you to care for those.

Life is short it seems, it was not supposed to be this way.

While we morn, thank you God that we have hope in the resurrection of your people and in You.

Thoughts on God from Anime

2008-04-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

So I enjoy some Anime. I am very careful which shows I watch cause some are really bad.

So I was intrigued when I was watching the end of a filler arc, meaning a series of episodes that have no purpose in the actual story and is meant to keep the anime viewers busy while the manga (comic book) writer catches up.

Well there was something interesting as I said. There are two characters both trying to reason about life and destiny.

Well I don't know about destiny but I thought their musings applied to God as well

One charater said:

If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all the cogs,
and all we can do is trust that the gear knows where it is going.

She is coming from a place where she trusts the system how things work.

So her approach is that (I am going to replace destiny with God) we are part of the work of God, willingly or unwillingly, and all we can do is trust that he is good and going in a direction we want.

The other character said:

If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all dirt,
that gets ground in between the cogs.

He has seen pain after pain and thinks life and people are out to get him until they earn his trust, he is focused on being able to protect himself and his friends. He has a hard time trusting.

His view is that (again replacing God for Destiny) God is doing work and going somewhere and we just get in the way. When we get in the way we are damaged and hurt to get out of the way and we can't change the direction of God.

I think this parallels how we look at God, we see him as doing what he is doing. We attribute pain to us getting in his way, and at best we think we are being used but not by choice. He is going to use us regardless and there is nothing we can do about it.

But neither is right.

- We KNOW God is good.
- It is our JOY to do his work and work with him
- We KNOW that He is working all things for the good of his people.

How awesome is that. But how easy is it to take one of the perspectives above?

God you are awesome.

Relearning Humility... agian

2008-04-03T12:56:00.000-04:00

So the last few weeks have been really hard. Discouragement has been with me for some time and all my energy has been going into trying to avoid falling into it. Another way I have thought of it was as an overstimulating week. But it is amazing how once you sit down with God he begins to make things clear.

So where did this start??

The weekend of Easter I went home. It was an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my parents, grandparents, and brothers. I really have been wanting to work on these relationships as I feel I have been pushing them aside a lot recently and I don't think that is right and I do enjoy the time I get with them. I got to have great conversations with all of them, there is still a lot of work to do in those relationships but that weekend was a positive step.

So why would I use this, as I said, awesome weekend as the start of a rough few weeks. Well, my goal was to grow in these relationships, and I am introverted. So while awesome it took a lot of energy out of me to work on those relationships.

Then I got in a car with a friend of mine for 4 hours. We talked about school, after school, relationships, and how we can follow God better. It was awesome. I love conversations like that, but a little more energy gone.

As we arrived on campus my phone rang. Another friend wanted to get dinner. I was hungry and had not seen him in a while so we went to dinner. We caught up a bit, talked about things we were thinking about. Good conversations as always with him. And at the end he was bugging me about going to Ring Dance. And I had been thinking of asking a friend to go as friends, but I decided the risk of awkwardness was to great, I mean it is me. So I decided not to.

Well, I changed my mind. I called her and asked her, she said she would have to see if she had a dress (it was only 6 days away).

Ok, it is the end of the day. I am ok. I can just sit back and relax. By this point I had no social energy left. I felt exhausted even having done nothing. I was ready to relax and try to be soical tomorrow.

Then one after the other I had two conversations with small group leaders who did not want to come back. I have enormous respect for both of them as leaders and friends. And come on trying to find the balance between pushing people to lead or do something and giving them the space to step back if that is the move they feel they need to make is hard.

But I had no energy for these conversations. I stopped both before we discussed to long for fear that I would say something poorly or something I would regret. I have not had to do that in almost 2 years!

The best way to understand what came next is that I over used my social energy for the day. And my peace in life and unfortunately trust in God is partly a mental discipline. I have learned to push thoughts aside that are not useful and only cause worry. But I lost my ability to do that after the last conversation. Thoughts of "God why aren't you doing this or that?" or "I am going to be on the Leadership team that kills the VT chapter." and "Why arn't I strong enough?" flooded my mind. Mixed in there were cries of "God I know you are in control but I don't feel it." and "God what is going on?"

So I went to bed, as I fell asleep I was shaking a bit.

The next day I felt better but but was still on edge. I was trying to reason what God was doing. Trying to see if I missed something. I was trying to figure out what my friends were thinking, the one I asked to the dance to see if she was feeling awkward about anything, and the small group leaders to see if they were considering changing their minds.

In one breath I would tell God I was trusting him with my friends, my relationship with them and their decisions. And at the same time be trying to read their actions.

Friday we met and went over the Small Group Leader applications. This time of year is always hard, I feel like people's whole years are in my hands. I fear mistakes and I have to repeat over and over my belief that God is guiding me and the others deciding and that he will use and grow his people where we put them, even if we make a mistake. As we prayed and discussed we found we had enough leaders, not as many as we would like maybe, but enough. That was a bit of a relief.

Also my hair was cut in a rather crazy manner and I had been getting attention all day for it. And I was tired of how hard I was trying to understand my friends and control things.

I had dinner with my Co-Small Group Coordinator and her boyfriend. Seeing them interact and hearing her talk about how God had blessed her with that relationship was really encouraging to me. And I just enjoy hanging out with those two anyway. And when I got to 180 I was just done again. And God really blessed me with the worship. I spent some time in prayer seriously giving the chapter, leaders, and my friendships to God. I just wanted to be able to enjoy them and be present in them not trying to analyze and figure them out.

I felt so free for the first few hours, but worry soon returned but it was not nearly as strong as before.

I have been doing better then this Tuesday I had won a cake at the action auction and brought in for Small Group. My roommate took it as an April Fools Joke. And I was amazed how completely pissed I got. I could not focus on the discussion in SG because of how upset I was. My plans got messed up! I still am not sure why I was so mad.

So that is an abridged (HAHA, still kinda long though) of what has happened. Why I call this relearning humility is the source of my stress.

- I wasn't trusting God to care for the Chapter and provide SGLs.
- I didn't trust my friend to care about our friendship enough to take me asking her to ring dance well
- I didn't trust God to take care of my relationships while I am doing the best I can to love them well
- I didn't trust God to give me the strength to do the work he had before me
- I forgot it is God's work not mine, I don't have the responsibility of making it happen just doing my best to serve him and others
- And I forgot that God works all things for the good of his people... ALL things

It gets so easy to think that just cause you are a leader in a Christian organization or in the Church that you are humble and relying on God. For me it takes over-stimulating weeks where I am no longer strong enough to make things work to help me realize how little I am relying on God and how much I have begun to rely on myself.

God is the reason I breath, and the reason for my gifts. And as always:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

I think each time I hit hard times and have to relearn how to trust him in everything I become a better disciple, friend, and leader. So thank you God for letting me go through the last week and a half to remind me just how much you bless me, and to challenge me with how much I still need to grow.

PS- It is amazing how much songs from your childhood can be applicable to today (Supertones and Jars of Clay specifically at this moment)

I've meant to do this for some time
I've gotta get it right this time
This time my God I will be Yours,
All my heart, my soul, and mind
Been so long since I truly smiled
But You touched my heart today
Reached through my mind of mud and mire
Consumed the idols in Your way
So I am brand new
Today, I make my resolution
~Supertones "Resolution"

Stressed

2008-03-24T18:55:00.000-04:00

Sorry guys, I actually have two blogs I am thinking through, but there is a lot going on this week so I am not sure when I will get to it.

-Classes and HW
- SGL 08-09 selection
- Men's Advance Planning
- SGL Meeting planning
- getting hair cut for an auction (to raise money for Rockbridge Scholarships)
- Ring Dance?

So expect to see:
- Our View of Life (through thoughts on an Anime episode)
- Humility lessons part 100000000000000000 (this week)

Prayer as always appreciated. Have a great week.

Orthodoxy? Theology? Life Style?

2008-03-18T11:24:00.002-04:00

So this post is coming from a few recent events.

1. I was hanging out with a few friends. They were joking around and some joke about falling or dieing came up. The next comment was "well hopefully we will be in heaven if that happens." That bothered me. It was a few people I know to be Christians. People who I have observed growing drastically in their faith. The next thought I had is the one that bothered me. My thought was "Oh they are Catholic that's fine then." I mean this might seem small but a big part of my faith and my understanding of the Gospel is that we are given confidence in where we are going. I mean I don't know what is up with the time between death and resurrection, we are told God will hold us accountable for what we do, especially those of us who are leaders in the Church (no matter how high or low we are). But I don't think that the scripture leaves room to fear or not be confident where we are headed, that is part of where our confidence and freedom come from. We might not have huge rewards if we don't live well, but we are there none the less. Why is denomination an excuse for bad theology? Why do I feel compelled to correct or morn bad what I see as bad theology?

2. A friend and I discussed an instance of a man who was charged with heresy for saying Christ dying on the cross didn't change the world, rather that act was what God chose to accept as the atonement. And I don't know the story well enough, my explanation and understanding of it had some issues. But we were discussing what types of implications our understanding of what God does and why has on our view of him. Again the question here is what is the importance of orthodoxy. What is the reason why we value it (if you do)?

No matter your view it is important. I mean look around, my generation is largely disillusioned with the church because in the American Church largely Orthodoxy is valued so highly (and sometimes they still mess it up), but acting it out is not a big. I mean a lot of pastors try and many churches are not like this, but enough are that we have lost faith in organized church. Enter the emerging church. They generally push living your faith about as strongly as orthodoxy is valued in the mainstream church. But look at the books they write and sermons they teach. They are right on with how to apply, but so many times I hear misunderstandings of God and our position with him. Again, like before not everyone is like this, but enough to cause some who desire to follow Jesus and honor God to not trust either group.

So if one side is completely unable to do what Jesus commands us to do, and the other seems to not know why, what do we do?

One person suggested one was better than the other, living it out but not having a good foundation for why. But this is the same issue that happened back near the enlightenment, the resurgence against this mindset lead to fundamentalism. So I personally reject the idea that serving without a good foundation of orthodoxy is to be preferred over just the foundation. But we also clearly see from Jesus' teaching that knowing the truth is not the same as or a substitute for living it out.

It seems to me that to be effective we need both. We should be constantly growing in both our knowledge of scripture and God and how we live it out. Anything less is not the maximum of the type of life we can have.

Without good theology how can we answer our critics and our own thoughts when things go wrong?

Without living it out how can we call ourselves followers of Jesus when he says to love and care for the poor?

I have given my thoughts a little, but what do you think about the issue of Theology/Orthodoxy/ and Living out our faith?

New Orleans

2008-03-11T11:04:00.000-04:00

I spent spring break in New Orleans doing relief work. I was not all that anxious going in. I mean I went to New Orleans for the 2005 Sugar Bowl. I didn't expect a whole lot. I mean we were working on houses, so I had a lot to learn there. But this would be the 3rd spring break trip to a city, the 9th week of my time I will have spent in cities for ministry. I got this down.

LOL.

So in many ways I was right, the talks were nothing too new, though many were good. I had a lot to learn about houses and construction. But there was so much more for me to learn. I worded the first paragraph to show that a little. I have become complacent. I know how to do things:

Discipleship... I got that down
Vision Team... I got that down too
Inner City... I know whats up
Caring for friends... That's what I do
Theology.... Child's play

The last few weeks I have founds a few incidents where I said or did something that I wasn't happy about. A comment that was not needed, a joke that did nothing (wasn't funny and didn't build up the body, though the later is more important), comments under my breath that let a little more out that I would like, mentioning a conversations with friends that caused issues between them, when the comment was unnecessary. Each time I walked away feeling I should not have done that, but not to worried, I mean I am covered by grace right?

Over the week similar instances observed or actions I took reminded me of this, and the earlier paragraph seems intense but that all happened over the last 2 months so it was easy to ignore. I found myself being far to open with other peoples lives in groups (still not too bad but far more than I am ok with, and one instance I was called out about) and I found that my stated objectives and values were not the ones my thoughts were valuing.

This was disconcerting. I rejoiced in grace, that I am still loved and accepted by my heavenly father. But repentance is part of that, I was asking for forgiveness but not changing much. Then I realized. I was complacent. I would tell people to give the glory to God if I gave good advice or there was a great conversation. But on some level I was starting to believe it was me that was good with people, me that could give good advice, me that could lead, me that had any idea what was going on in the city. I am not denying that I have those things, though my understanding of the city and caring for people are things that I am always learning more about and trying to do and understand better. But God has given me alot of gifts, and I do the work he has set before me fairly well.

But there is a bit of a twist.

I left off there, at least recently. All that is true, God has done all that in and through me. But the trick is, I have to be abiding in him and in a constant posture of worship and dependence on him. Saying my gifts are from God and then doing my own thing, using them (especially for His service) but not depending on him to continue to bring them out. And forgetting that my gifts only exist, and their full strength only comes when I have that posture and constant communication and trust in him. That sounds so crazy, I mean how can you take a gift from God and use it "for Him" but not be relying on him? Well you can't. But I had lost sight of that, and my effectiveness suffered.

I was not receiving the counsel of the Holy Spirit as well as I could.

It is encouraging that even though I am not happy with how some parts of the last few weeks have gone, they were not unforgivable, God is in control. And he is not afraid to remind us when we are not where he wants us.

Thank you Lord (Father, Son, Spirit) for all you do.

What's the Big Deal with Worrying?!?!?

2008-02-14T11:52:00.001-05:00

If you have known me for a while, I am the king of over thinking and worrying. A good friend once told me that she felt that if there was something I wanted to do (either for myself or God) that I would think about the pros and cons of the thing for so long that I would lose my desire to do it or inhibit myself from being able to take any joy in it (I'm paraphrasing a bit). So I am well acquainted with worrying. This is something I have been working on. There is grace for a reason, not to be abused, but to free us from shame and worry so we can move beyond our mistakes and sins to the work God has set before us.

It is so easy when a big decision is upon us. We have this idea that one choice is right and will lead us to the work God has before us and the other will lead to discontentment and being separated from God. I am not saying there are not sinful choices that can lead to discontentment but so often we are choosing between two good options or trying to discern between good and better. Proverbs 20:24 says "A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?" (NIV) We are reminded (and I think promised, yes it's a good thing!) that our lives are not our own, we were bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). God has a plan for our lives and if we are abiding in him and seeking his purposes he will be using us and guiding us.

I am NOT saying choose things without prayer and careful consideration. We are told to live for God not ourselves, we are also told to keep the interests of others in mind. We have to discern between good and bad. What I am talking about is having the boldness to pray, think, then act. If we find ourselves in a good vs. good or good vs. better debate we need to pray, seek counsel of those God has put in our lives, then trust that God will use us where we are and move us if necessary. Then take the step of faith that our choice is his.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV, emphasis mine)

God never intended us to think and worry ourselves to a place where we are paralyzed by fear of how best to serve him. How absurd is that?? We are so scared of how to best serve God we stop or don't start.

God wants our hearts; our works as will his leading will follow that. He is at work and we have the privilege of being part of that work.

Shouldn't get out there and live it?

I've Got Too Much Time on my Hands?

2008-02-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

"...its ticking away with my sanity"

So as some of you know, I have an awesome schedule. My time in class is spread out well, and I have work (Senior Design, and some homework). And I have been excited. This frees me to spend time with some of the people on my hall, the Small Group Leaders, the guys I disciple, and other brothers and sisters. But as I have been hanging out with people, and some times doing nothing I have discovered something interesting. I have lost some boldness, and feel like a burden. It was small at first, trying to make sure people were comfortable and knew they could move meetings if needed, which is good in a way. Then one day it became painfully obvious. I was meeting with a guy who I have been trying to meet with for a while, we kept having something come up. And then at the end of having a good conversation we were getting ready to leave and I said "Hey hopefully we can hang out sometime when you are less stressed." He responded saying that yes he had a lot on his plate but he was fine. And a few others related similar feelings. So then I realized I felt like a burden on the people I was hanging out with. I had time, it was not a huge sacrifice to spend time with them. I am used to having to sacrifice (and joyfully sacrifice) time and other things to spend time with people. So I think that gave me some confidence that I was meeting my friends on an equal place. That we were both sacrificing to meet with each other. I lost confidence in being able to speak into peoples lives or challenge them.

I was kinda upset about that, I mean that is like the one thing I still am passionate about, and I couldn't do it.

I don't have a specific scripture that helped me through this. But I kinda wanted to share this because I think it is an easy trap to fall into. Thinking that because your sacrifice might seem inconsequential to you that it must not be important to them. The other error is assuming that the other person is making a huge sacrifice to their time and not happy to be with you. God blesses us with time and many other gifts. We need to be joyful in using them for him and the good of his people. God doesn't want us to take the gifts he gives us and let the enemy make us feel guilty for having them. There are times for a healthy dose of conviction, but there is a difference between wanting to give more of what God has given you and beating yourself up/ loosing your confidence because of those gifts.

God delights in us, he delights in the things we do for him and others with a joyful heart. That is where our confidence comes from not from a battle of the biggest sacrifice.

Prayer should be restful right????

2008-01-26T16:20:00.000-05:00

So prayer is important. That is a pretty easy statement for any Christian to agree with. I have struggled with having times where I focus on one or two things and pray about them, my mind wonders. But I have enjoyed a pretty good conversational prayer life. What I mean by that is that I pray as I think of things while walking around or doing anything. So what I want to do here is talk a little about some of my thoughts on prayer, but also about something I have been learning recently...

Prayer is pointless if you do not trust God with what you are talking to Him about.

So to set up how I got to his point, my thoughts on prayer.

Prayer is communication with God. It is a conversation with our Father. Meaning I see 2 mistakes commonly made, myself included.

1. We do all the talking.

Many times when I pray I pray until I am out of things to talk about. Then I move on to whatever else is going on. We would never do that (or rarely, lol) to a friend. They would get tired of it.

"Hey, Dave, can you help me with this project for class. Ok cya later."

That isn't waiting for a response, or giving a change to start helping. But so many times we say

"Hey, God, can you help me with school/ a relationship/ other issue. Ok cya later."

I think we miss out on hearing his voice when we do this. I mean for Elijah in on instance God's voice was a whisper, check this out.

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ~1 Kings 19:11-12

I think we get so caught up in life that we forget to listen for that soft voice. Don't get me wrong God wants to hear what is on our hearts and minds. He wants us to talk to him. We have this awesome and confusing relationship with him where he is our Lord and King, our Father, and our Friend at the same time, we should honor him, but we also get to approach him in a intimate manor. I can give a few verses for this, ask if you want them. We just need to balance talking and listening.

2. We forget to give thanks and remember who he is when we ask for things.

I do this all the time too. I start and go straight into my needs and wants and problems. Part of this is ok, in John is says:

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ~John 15:16

He says he will give us whatever we ask. Granted for that to happen we have to remain in him, but the promise is here as in Luke, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Luke 11:9) But I think the main part of prayer we miss in this aspect is not that we are to be abiding in him for our request to fall under this promise, and it is absolutely not the idea that we will be soooo holy by being in him that we will only ask for people to be saved or for his kingdom to come. I mean I pray those things, but I think this is also covering immediate personal needs and wants too, like food, rest, strength, and even relationships. But He won't grant us sinful or harmful requests, I think Romans 8:28 supersedes His promise to grant our requests. But anyway back to my point, how should we pray? I think the Lord's Prayer is more than just something to be recited.

This, then, is how you should pray:
'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
~Matthew 6:9-13

If you are like me you have seen this many a time, and recited it. But I wanna look at this a little. I see phases in this prayer that are to be emulated (my words but this idea was in a book I read a year or so ago, thanks author).

1. Naming and Glorifying God
2. Submitting to his will and plan
3. Asking for our needs
4. Confessing Sin and asking/ receiving forgiveness and doing the same for those who we have to forgive
5. Asking for protection and guidance

I really like this plan, thought I don't always do it. The biggest point here is we glorify and honor God before we ask for anything. This is HUGE. It helps us to trust him, and remind us to trust him. If you remember who God is and what he has done before you ask him for something prayer is a restful and enjoyable activity. If we forget to do this it is little more than worrying about our troubles.

There is a fundamental belief I have about God. He gave the law to point out our sin. That is straight out of Romans (chapter 7 if you are curious). But, especially the food laws, the law (and in the new testament Jesus' commands) are also created to care for us to help us live happy and God focused lives. The food laws for Israel kept them safe from foods that were not able to be properly cleaned until the last 100 years or so. And I think part of prayer, why it is important and why Jesus gives us a model is God who created us knows how to encourage us and how we work, and doing it that way is the best way for us to do things. Let me explain.

Not only is God worth glorifying because of who he is and what he has done, but it is good to glorify and worship him because it helps create and reinforce the trust we have in him. If we do that in the beginning of our prayers our mindset shifts from just another way to worry about our lives and problems to a place where we are taking these problems to a God who has shown that He is trustworthy and powerful enough to handle our problems. We can say them to him, and leave them at the cross, leave trusting him to take care of him and being able to do whatever is before us that day.

Our reason to pray is to communicate with God. But I believe he gave us guidelines for how because it is much "how is should be" and honoring him as it is a practical way for him to remind us who he is in our own words.

The last few weeks I have been actively letting God know what I want and what is bothering me. But I have forgotten to remember to tell him who he is and remember what he has done and can do. Prayer became a drain and not the restful and encouraging thing it had been for me in the past. I was just telling a God I had forgotten to trust what was up. I was just sitting there stewing in my fears and problems and concerns and not receiving the rest and comfort God wanted me to receive from him. Recently I started to remember who he is and what he has done first in my prayers, and I noticed a substantial change almost after the first prayer.

Prayer is meant to be a way for us to communicate with our loving heavenly Father and to be an encouragement. If it isn't something is wrong.

Thank God it has become both again for me.

Venn Diagram of Awesome

2008-01-16T22:59:00.000-05:00

So I have designed the "Venn Diagram of Awesome" for your viewing pleasure.

So, the important part of this diagram is the fact that everyone I know who also blogs is awesome.

Just something to think about.

:)

Community

2008-01-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

Life is... well life.

As often as I start posts like this people must think I am an emo kid or something.

Well with another year starting there is a new Vision Team. And the new team is awesome. Lots of cool ideas.

But talking and planning events. Thinking about things to change. Talking about what is good.

And it was odd, with all that (about 2 days) my energy and passion was gone. Even though I agreed and was excited to see all the plans we had. So many of them were some I had even thought of (and several others as I learned). But my joy disappeared.

Then people got back. I got to see the chapter together again. I got to see people laugh and enjoy each other. I got to enjoy being with everyone again.

I guess I am posting this because I am realizing a new importance and joy from community. The joy of leadership and administrating a community is not in the theory and decisions you make. It is in loving people and doing what needs to be done to serve them and lead them in the direction God would have them go.

It seems so odd to me that making plans and changes for our community while not with them drained me, but while with them it is refreshing and enjoyable.

I guess I lost sight of why I wanted to do what I have agreed to do, and being with the chapter helped to remind me of that.

It is good to be back.

GUPY Reunion

2008-01-06T19:08:00.000-05:00

This has been an awesome weekend. All but one of the students that did GUPY 2007 got back together in Glenwood this weekend. It was a good time. And since what I lack in frequency I make up for in volume :) here we go.

I came into the weekend tired, with many ideas for the coming semester, but lacking the feeling of joy and excitement I am used to going into a semester. I walked into Marshall's house with Kelly and Jeremy and saw the other people from GUPY I felt a peace, but my face barely showed it. We were hanging out, marveling at how much Jacob (Marshall's youngest) had grown, and eating dinner. Then we started sharing about our semesters. We all had hard ones. All had instances of how things did not go our way. But at the same time I feel like there was still hope for the future, hope for how God was working even in the most difficult stories. As we went around, trying to keep it short, jokes were made about my being long winded. Jokes that are accurate, but when my turn came I felt and odd cold, I could barely talk, like I was nervous, but I wasn't. I really don't know what was up with that.

Then I got to sleep on the magically deflating air mattress (twice as I would learn later). I didn't sleep all that well. But the next day we had a quiet time about abiding in God (John 15). That was awesome. I really feel like God has been blessing me with letting me see him use me even when I do not feel I am in him as much as I would like. That has been a blessing to me, but I felt like I was becoming content in that and not trying/ desiring him to use me more, to work on the disciplines to help me be more ready to hear his voice and see his leading. He has been pruning me a while, and as Marshall noted while most of us felt like we were being pruned the main focus of the passage is not the pruning but living in him, and the promise that if we are in him he is in us and we will bear fruit. It was just a good time to refocus and see what God is doing, and can do. I think we were all encouraged through that reading.

We got to give some feedback on GUPY and help Marshall plan for GUPY 2008. I think it was a good reminder of all we did to talk about what was good. I think it helped revive some of the memories of what we had learned and left wanting to do. We spent the rest of the day hanging out, catching up, sharing jokes, reminiscing, eating at Natty Green's, talking about Vision and leadership and complaining about the candidates avoiding the questions during the debates.

This morning we went to Grace Community Church. And I loved the sermon, the video didn't make any sense, but the sermon was good. It was the lead pastor talking about the vision and direction for the church. How he had spent a year searching for it. And basically his response was communication, growth, and service. I think his exact words were connect, grow, serve, share... maybe this is more simple than what I said. I guess the part that resonated the most with me was where he said college grads talk about all the growth they had in college then say they got to busy and stopped growing afterwards. That is something I have noticed, and feared on some level with the Church. Something that has caused me to question when staff with campus ministries tell us to go to a church and not just our meetings. I feared the church didn't notice or care. It was really encouraging to see a pastor mention that. Granted UNCG is right down the road, but still. And being there to see Marshall begin his transition from IV to Grace and GUPY was cool as well.

Then after lunch, and getting back on the road it was hard to leave again. I found myself wanting a group of my friends from college to chose to move to a city so I wouldn't have to leave them all. But at the same time the conversations and prayer we had were what I needed to get the joy and excitement I thought I should feel. And while riding, reading, listening to music, and conversing with Jeremy, I got a few texts from a friend. Nothing huge, but it was kinda cool to know someone from VT was thinking of me, it made the drive back feel more like a transition back to school than just waiting around in Richmond. I have 4 days before the Vision Team retreat where things start to get interesting, and I know I need those to pack, and prepare. But I just felt like I should be on my way to Blacksburg, not Richmond. I feel like my heart and mindset, at least for now, are oriented to see little things as blessings and encouragements. That is just cool...

sooo this had no real plan or direct purpose, other than being my thoughts at the moment.

God's got big plans, I can't wait to see what he does.

A Look at 2007

2008-01-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

2007 was an interesting year. My years have been full of growth, relationships, fun, pain, stress, and just about every emotion imaginable since I started college. I would be lying if I said I have liked every minute of it, but I have loved college overall.

This year has been difficult. I started serving on the vision team of InterVarsity (IV) at Virginia Tech. That has been difficult and rewarding. I have grown so much through this. Learning how to care for people more and more. Learning to trust my instincts about plans. Learning to trust God to lead me and to care for his people. That he has put me in a position to work with him, but that he is going to do his work and it is not up to me. He will do his work and not all of it is for me to do, not all that I wish to do is for me to do. And he will do his work even if I feel I am to weak. He also will strengthen me and equip me to do the work he has set before me. I expected this year to be hard being on vision team, as odd as it seems I also expected this year to be harder and also to have more awesome times than I could expect. That I would come to the end and be amazed. But I had no idea. After classes and leader selection I thought I had had the hard stuff. Then the 16th happened.

That day and the weeks after were the oddest combination of joy and pain ever. Such sadness and confusion about what happened. Yet the time I got to spend with friends was amazing. So much time with people who have meant so much to me. People who I want to get to know better, and people who already have been let into the deepest parts of my heart. It was awesome. Everyday waking up with only the desire to be with people, be with God, and enjoy the presence of both. It is confusing to look back and wonder if I should look back with joy or sadness. But I would not trade any moment I got to spend with anyone those weeks for anything in the world.

Then came Rockbridge. Again it was an awesome time. A time to get away from Blacksburg, be in the woods, but still have good food and comfortable beds. I was more somber than usual. I also spent a good deal of time thinking and praying through what I had been experiencing. Then I saw people in the chapter having problems. Problems that I did not know the cause of or the way to fix them. I did not know how I was to help. How I was to care for them. But as I sat there thinking and praying, worrying, I saw God use other people to care for them when I could not see how.

Then came the weeks before GUPY. They were nice, I got to rest and sleep. I also got to get away for a while. But they were also unbearable. I started to feel the effects of having no purpose for so long. Let me explain. I had no school work, no work, we minimized the requirements for my involvement in IV, we spent our time with each other. At home I had no chores or jobs, no reason to wake up except being tired of being in bed, no reason to sleep besides being bored with being awake. Never before had I realized so clearly something central to myself and many if not all men. The need for a purpose. I held on only with the thoughts of GUPY coming.

Then GUPY. That is a whole different animal. I got to know 9 other students (only 2 of whom I knew before) well. In 6 weeks we went from learning names to being in some of the deepest relationships I have had, definently the deepest in the short time. We had great times in Cracker Barrel, the park in down-town Greensboro, and on the corner of Silver and Haywood. We also had hard times in Atlanta, across the street from Greensboro Urban Ministries, and La Presa, Mexico. I personally had a very hard time in Mexico. As I told some of the people at GUPY, I experienced the range of emotions I usually experience in a whole year just in that few weeks. There were times I questioned why they still talked to me, suffered through having me around. That is an emotion I thought I had dealt with a year ago in Blacksburg. That time helped me to grow in so many ways, it also helped solidify and reemphasize what I had learned in the past.

Then after dealing with the loss of those relationships (we keep in touch, in fact most of the readers of this that I know of are people from GUPY), but they are not the same as they were. We are back to our lives from before, only changed from our experiences. Then coming back to Blacksburg, trying to rebuild relationships that I had not gotten to talk with much or see in three months. I talked about this time in an earlier post and this is starting to get long so I am moving on.

This semester had times of awesomeness. I had some amazing times and moments with very close friends. Times where life made more sense than ever before, followed by times where I had no idea what was going on. Not everything went my way, in fact many things did not. Classes went my way. Other than that the best I can say is that things went God's way as often as possible, which ends up going my way once I am enough removed to see his plans. And I was able to help things go my friends way. So it was a good semester.

One thing that happened a few weeks ago, right before exams, is my uncle died. Matthew C. Westerdale died from the progression of Muscular Dystrophy. I got to see him over Thanksgiving break, about a week before he died. He was awesome, he was encouraging to people, he was sharing Jesus with everyone that came by. He was tired, but when awake he was on fire for God. My family told me when he died he looked at peace, and though he there were a few times he thought he was going to die that night and didn't. He again predicted he would go, and slowly and peacefully passed on. I am glad he is now at rest and free from his aliment, but it is still hard to see someone go.

This was sooo much longer than I intended. But looking at all this that has happened I cannot begin to imagine what this year holds. But I also cannot wait to see. I expect it to hold alot of challenge, opportunities, pain, and stress. But I am confident that God's Will will be done and I will grow through whatever happens.

That is what he does, takes to good and the bad and uses it for his purposes. And his purpose is to love us and reveal himself to us so we can do his work and so those who do not know him have the opportunity(s) to come to know their heavenly father. How awesome is it that we get to be part of His work?!

Bring it on 2008!

Thoughts So Far

2007-12-22T17:39:00.000-05:00

I have really enjoyed thinking about this (see previous post) over the last week or so, and I have so much more to think about. But I have been really enjoying this. The biggest reason is it is something with a purpose. People have noted that I tend to have opinions or idea of what to do in many situations (especially relationships). That is because I usually spend time that I am not actively doing homework, in class, or doing something IV related, or hanging out I am thinking about relationships, my day, or what I need to fix. And it could be argued that I am still thinking about fixing things, but there is a feeling of excitement in this analyzing and thinking that usually my thoughts are trying to make sense of something that is bothering myself or someone close to me. Darn... again that is part of my reason for wanting that, but it doesn't feel the same. I am seeing so many ways we can improve the mechanics of what we are doing to allow the Spirit to work.

I feel like the heart of the chapter is at a great place to hear God's voice. Just in the last week two new members to the VT chapter of IV have posted on facebook about how the community has ministered to them, helped them find themselves, and (as we desire) to find God. But I think the current organization supports people that happen upon us and are freshmen or Sophomores. We do NSO (New Student Outreach) and encourage Small Groups to reach out to the dorms they meet in but that is about it. We have a strong discipleship base here. We have people that disciple 2 or more people at once (some at other schools have told me they think this is foolish but oh well), and most leaders and members that want it are in a discipleship relationship by the end of their first semester or beginning of the second semester in our chapter. But the Juniors and Seniors are largely not discipled. There are not enough staff to disciple the upperclassmen and the few of us that are discipled have found, through luck or a very persistent older student, a member of a local church to disciple us. And with the old small group system where we changed small groups every year for many upperclassmen they had very few friends except those in their major or other older students, so they drifted away their Senior year. Unless you were a leader in which case you were good until the end of your term of service.

So what I am trying to see is how IV can be a place that does what it does now well. But also help the upperclassmen and the non-leaders grow as well. In college people are deciding who they want to be the rest of their lives. We are learning about ourselves and the world around us (specifically our major) each year. I guess I see IV as a community that comes along side the growth we are already doing. It is a place to encourage our spiritual growth while we are growing socially and intellectually. It is a place we can learn how to love people and how to encourage them. How to deal with conflict. And something I think IV can easily do, and doesn't yet at VT or not as well as it could, is help people learn they have a vision and encourage them to run with it.

Most of the things I am trying to figure out are the things that I have seen that have caused frustration or confusion for members. I think that people in positions need to know what they are expected to do. I have seen the expectations be set aside with emphasis on the spiritual aspects only. Something I really learned after the 16th and in the first few weeks of summer before GUPY is that people (more specifically men, but I think for women too) need a purpose. We need to have expectations and goals. We need to be careful because we can make them to hard or to stressful and we take God out of the equation and we also kill the spirit of excitement and joy from the work. but with no expectations nothing happens and the spirit of excitement and joy leave because you don't feel there is any worth to your work. People seem to work and enjoy work most with a specific level of stress. There is a level of stress and expectation that brings out the best work in people, and with that a sense of accomplishment and worth. I feel like the small group leaders and vision team have gotten dangerously close to a point where they have lost the challenge and worth to their work. Not all leaders and not all the time but it seems to be a growing trend. Also we are all students we cannot and should not expect work in IV to the most important thing and not expect there to be 40 hours a week of work in these positions.

I am excited because just thinking of idea and how to do them has given me the most sense of challenge and worth to my job yet.

So I called this my thoughts, but really I have been trying to help you see where I am thinking and explain myself a bit to those who might not have known exactly where I was coming from.

So what have I thought about so far? I am not quite ready to discuss my thoughts on the responsibilities but communication is a huge start to doing what I want to see happen.

Vision team has set a vision the last two years at least. If you are not on vision team I doubt you know what it is. That is the first thing. The vision set for the chapter needs to be communicated to, accepted by, and become the vision of the members of the chapter. This starts with communicating the vision to the small group leaders and action teams (teams that work with the vision team members to get their job done [ex. 180 team and community action team]). Once they know they can work it into their small groups and events. We need to then communicate the vision at each event and meeting. Either the vision for the meeting/ event or the vision over all or both. It doesn't need to be "Hi, this is the vision." we can communicate it in more interesting ways but it needs to be said. Then people will know why we exist, why we are doing what we are doing, and hopefully why they should be part of it.

The VT chapter was only about 40 people 6-7 years ago. And largely we have not changed much of how we do to. That is why I am so excited to be thinking about this. In general I have found that guys like to make a difference. I like making a difference at least. I love it when I have a great talk where someone comes to a better understanding of themselves or God through it. I and everyone in IV at VT right now can be part of helping IV get to a point where the community is ready to reach the campus and help each other grow.

The trick, and the part I am still working on is what is the vision, what are the responsibilities, and how to help the chapter move in that direction. It needs to be done with heart and caring, because this is not a business, and this needs to be God driven, not driven by me or anyone else. I personally think it is in line with God and his will, and that many of these plans and ideas are his. That is why there is a vision team and staff, once the semester starts we will begin thinking about my ideas and others and the best way to challenge and encourage without alienating or condemning the members.

So that is what I am doing, I am trying to look at what we are doing and how to challenge people and encourage them well. And I find it exciting because there is so much potential in the members of the chapter and the chapter as a group. And there is no way I or the current vision team can do all of this, meaning we can only start trying to re-organize and re-imagine how the chapter at VT works. It is exciting because last year in my position I went between doing nothing to caring for people as best I could, but I feel I did little to improve things and I have a second chance to try.

This is not the most organized thing ever as I am writing as I think, but my goal is to have my thoughts more organized in time for next semester. Thanks for your continued prayer as I am thinking and dreaming. Also any thoughts, ideas, or criticism (constructive only please) for the chapter at VT would be greatly appreciated, email preferred.

In case I don't post again this week. Merry Christmas.

I need to get better at this

2007-12-16T00:12:00.000-05:00

So I started this blog after GUPY, but I have been really bad at updating it. I have had ideas of what to write but I don't really have a vision for this blog. So since this is the break of vision seeking I will be trying to see about this too.

But here is what I am planning to do this break:
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of each position of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Small Group Leaders
- Figure out how to keep all these people accountable for their positions
- Figure out how to increase communication between the Vision Team and the Chapter
- Figure out how to increase communication in general
- Define the vision for the InterVarsity Chapter at Virginia Tech (err... my vision :) )
- Develop a plan to fix Small Groups at Virginia Tech
- Develop a plan for a sustainable Chapter at Virginia Tech
- Figure out who I am, and who I want to be
- Figure out what happened this semester (I like to evaluate my semesters)

I recently was reading (still am actually) a book about men in the church. And he said something I believe to be true that "Men need vision - not just relationships to stay motivated in church." Now I am not trying to get into the whole argument of is IV the church or not, but I look around and I see almost every other chapter in our region being almost all girls. And In IV at VT we have been praying for women for years and we are finally about 50/50. The only problem... it is both from an increase in women and a decrease in men, at the same time. We have had several visions floating around in the last year or so, for the first time we are trying to have a vision for the chapter, but I do not feel that we have focused on one or a few such that the chapter knows the vision. We have not been communicating with the chapter well. I want to fix that. Or try. So I have huge aspirations for this break, we shall see what happens. I have a goal, I can only set it up over break, but I have been given another year on vision team to start to make it happen. God put IV on the campus of Virginia Tech for a reason, for a long time, arguably still, that reason has been for ourselves. Our growth, our community, our enjoyment, and IV is all of those things. But it is also a place for us to learn how to develop a vision, where the leaders can help provide the resources and authority to make the vision happen. A place where people can learn how to love and care for people well, how to interact with people well. And finally and most importantly a community that exists to share the gospel with those who have not heard it, or need to hear it again, or in a different way.

That is what is on my mind. I hope to blog more over break, so if you want a preview of what will be coming in the next year in IV this is the place.

PS- This is not even considering the fact that my co-Small Group Coordinator is as opinionated as me, more of a visionary than me, with a stronger personality than me. The SGLs are in for an interesting year.

I can't wait!

It has been a while

2007-11-01T12:57:00.000-04:00

I have not blogged in two months. I have been busy, and I honestly forgot. I mean some people bugged me about it but I would forget soon after. I guess what is on my mind today is the main subject of discussion between me and God in the last 2 years (and a little back story). I need to stop being afraid.

Middle School:
I don't remember much because I learned early on how to and that it was good to block out my past if it hurt. What I do remember is, I had only a few friends, but I was not invited to do much with my friends. I was the fat kid and was harassed accordingly, I could have prolly had some of the kids arrested if I had wanted to at the time. I was/ am just very passive. One of my close friends even completely turned his back on me towards the end of middle school. We still have never reconciled, but I have not seen him in years. Basically I have forgotten much of the goodness of middle school and just remember pain and suffering, I remember it as Hell.

High School:
I am finding I am starting to block out high school too, not sure why oh well. I had many more friends, a few girlfriends, and a group of people (Marching Band). I did not get along with people in my program well, besides being able to be in class and be nice and such, but none of us were ever really close. My close friends were in Marching Band. High school was like a breath of fresh air compared to the Hell of middle school. But I lived 30 min away from my HS and friends, so I did not do much outside of school with them. In fact the first party or anything I was invited to (besides to hang out with my girlfriends), to my memory was my senior year. I learned on some level, or interpreted even if this was not the intention of my friends at the time that I was nice to have around if I was there, but not necessary. That I could be with them or not and they would be just as happy. To those of you from high school I am still friends with please do not take this as an insult or anything, it is just what my mind did to my perception, or Satan, depending on how you see it.

Spring 2006:
IV at Virginia Tech went to New York City on an Urban Plunge. It is a week version of a longer Summer program with IV. The idea is to help students see what is happening in the city and to hopefully get them interested in the work happening there and/or getting involved where they live. But I could not get past my own self. I was afraid to mention God to a guy I was talking to in a homeless shelter in a church. I found I had no confidence in myself. I felt that I was disposable to my friends. That they didn't care about me. I felt like I could walk away from IV and my friends and not be missed. Talking to a close friend not on the trip on the phone and having a talk with a few guys in my room one night started helping me see the faults in this belief. One said "Allen, how can we trust you if you don't trust us?" That helped me start to realize i was not trusting my friends, because I love to care for people but I didn't realize I was not trusting them. I thought it was just a self-worth issue, and it is, but it was a combination of learning not to trust people and the lack of self-worth. I didn't realize I was devaluing my friends as I was living in a devalued view of myself.

Those friends that talked to me on that trip have helped me so much with this as you will see, many of them are the same through the whole story. I am not using names in case I mention something on accident they would not want known, or so I don't forget a name.

Fall 2006:
I was mad at so many people that had told me that "you can't control the heart." So I set out to prove them wrong. I decided I would not allow myself to like anyone for a semester. Big mistake. This is cutting a long story very short but I learned that if you are spending time getting to know girls (or anyone of the opposite gender, for you ladies reading) you will start to like them. The trick is not to keep yourself from liking people it is to learn how to deal with it so you can live in relationship with people. You need to learn how to love and care for people well regardless of how you or they feel. You need to learn how to deal with you liking people and others liking you. Once you learn to do that you can enjoy life much more. I learned a lot that semester, but it was at the expense of my relationships with my sisters (in Christ). I do apologize to them for that.

Spring 2007:
I went to the spring break version of GUPY. It was fairly relaxing for a spring break trip. We got to work with several organizations in the area. But again I could not get past what I was learning about myself. We talked about identity. I started to realize that I knew about God's love, but I was not feeling it in my life. My view of myself from the past has kept me from accepting it. I decided to go to the Summer version of GUPY. I wanted to do something different, and I wanted to learn more about my identity in Christ and what I could/ should do with it.

During that semester at school I began to become completely convinced in the power of love. In Matthew it says:

Matthew 22:37-40
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

I really started to believe that. The last verse is the most important here. "ALL the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (emphasis mine), the rest of the 10 commandments, the rest of the law, everything the prophets said, EVERYTHING. My prayer for my friends that semester and since then has usually been that they would feel God's love for them more so than that any specific outcome would happen. I mean look at these situations and how loving the other person and loving God makes them so much easier:

1. Your family, usually hard for college students, realizing they love you and more importantly that God loves them when they are irrational, or that he loves you when you are dishonoring to them. (I know that it is usually a combination of the two)

2. That person in your class that lives the lifestyle you just don't like (sex, drinking, sexual orientation, religion, etc.). You could be mad and hate them, but remember GOD LOVES THEM. I mean how can you hate them if God loves them. Frustrated maybe, but hate?? No.

3. That girl or guy you like but rejects you (either for good reasons or crappy ones, actually especially when it is a crappy reason). God loves them, your goal in pursuing that relationship should have that be the first and foremost thing in your mind. I know the desire to date someone, many of my friends (both male and female) can confirm that, but that is the joy of what we get to do as God's children, to love people. If you love them as your brother or sister regardless of your interest in them the awkwardness will not happen, or not as much. People are so afraid sometimes to face or risk rejection, but if you both love each other because you are in Christ, it will work out.

4. That girl or guy that likes you and you just can't seem to get the message to them that you don't like them. See reasoning above. God loves you both, remember that. Not that you should date them because of that, but you should not shun or hate them either.

5. That friend that you love but seems to keep doing stuff you see/ know to be stupid and harmful. Again, GOD STILL LOVES THEM. And we need, no we get to love them still. It might hurt sometimes, but God loves them.

There are so many more examples, but I think I got the point across.

Another part of that verse I want to point out is the second command, love your neighbor as yourself. IT IS A COMPARISON!!!!! We are not to love ourselves over our neighbors but also we are not to love our neighbors over ourselves. This means we need to learn to say no sometimes. We need to learn when we need to get away, when we need council, when we need to be cared for. But at the same time we need to learn when our needs can be put on hold, when we want and/or need time away, but someone else needs us more. I have not mastered this by any means, but it is a journey (don't stop believing... I know a few of you thought that :)) we all need to start.

The 16th is an issue I cannot even begin to get into in this post, I mean it is going to be long enough already. But the effect most important to this post is that it broke down my ability to control my thoughts and emotions. That really freed me to be open to what I would learn this summer. Also I have a lot of friends who stood by me, friends who smoked cigars (yes I occasionally smoke cigars... but that week I smoked more than I ever have, I just didn't care), talked, played wii til late in the night, and just helped me feel like I had worth and a purpose in a time that was so confusing and hard.

A short blurb about Rockbridge too. I enjoyed being there and relaxing away from everything, I was lucky and not asked about the 16th much at all. But one huge thing that happened in my life is that several of my friends, I am closer to one or two more than others, all seemed to be having a rough week. They were caring for each other well, and at the time I had no idea what was up (I still only have a vague idea about all that went on). All I could see is that they were not their normal selves. I wanted so badly to be there for them, but I had no clue how to help. I felt helpless. My friends were obviously hurting, and for the first time in a long time I could not get to them, and even if I could I was not sure if I would know what to say or do. So I just prayed a lot. Then one night one of the leaders that could not attend Rockbridge showed up. She is awesome with the women she is around. She just cares for them well. Then she told me she felt like she needed to come, then got a call from someone at Rockbridge asking her to come right as she was just starting to be on her way. I tell this story because I was SOOOOO worried and confused about what I should do, I hated that I was doing nothing. And God took care of it. He knew who needed to be where and he worked it out. One friend I felt I had failed that week even told me they felt very cared for, that my presence was known. That was cool, seriously, I was feeling useless and God took care of it in ways I can still not explain.

Summer 2007:
So I went to summer GUPY. There is so much I could say about that. But on the topic of my growth I began to notice something important. I could not feel God's love because I did not love myself. God was sending his love my way, but I could not handle it. I had not basis for how to accept it. And considering that my goal and joy is caring and loving others, HOW WAS I PASSING ON GOD'S LOVE???? How was I able to care for people when I didn't care about myself? God is good because apparently I was. But I know that the love I can pass on is so much greater if I can accept God's love and pass that on. A situation I described in my first Blog illustrated the importance I place on my identities. I felt I was failing them by inaction or past actions/ mistakes. When God just wants us to live in our identity as his child. If you live as a child of God you have to understand his love and love him. Then you learn to love others as either his children or people created in his image who he desperately wants to be his child. People could not speak worth or love into my life because I did not love or accept myself so their words did not mean anything to me. If I saw myself as worthless or not a man or not helpful, and someone told me I was then I would have to pick one as a lie. When you are introspective and think you know yourself you just think that they don't know all you do, rather than considering that God has revealed something to them you have ignored.

Something else I began to learn and am still working on is speaking up. God give people experiences, thoughts, and directly inspired words to share with people. And I also believe in silence and not talking at times either so others can talk or because they need to see things themselves, or because some things do not need to be said at certain times. But I am also prone to holding back at times I need to speak. Sometimes that is calling out people when they are doing something wrong, sometimes that is just saying hey, and sometimes it is having the guts to tell someone how you feel about them (both attraction to someone, but more often valuing them as a friend or telling them how God has been using them to bless me). I have avoided most of those in the past. I realized that not speaking those things was hurting me. I saw that I was not doing those things and that each time I held back due to fear it was hurting my view of myself as a man and a brother to the people around me. I felt I was not living up to being a leader (Small Group Leader or Vision Team Member) or just living up to my desire/ ideal of who I see myself becoming in Christ. So with the increased damage to my self esteem based on my identity (both God based and my own) my fear became stronger. Each time I would hold back i would be more likely to next time. But speaking up has the exact opposite affect. When I do it I feel freedom, strength, peace. But not only that people need to know what I, and you, have to say. God has given us each different points of view. He lets us see him in others that they might, and likely don't see in themselves. Also we see parts of God other miss, so we can help each other see the big picture of what God is up to. By being silent not only was I hurting myself but I was not sharing who God has made me to be and the part of God I reflect with others. God puts us in relationship with each other for the reason that we need it for sooo many reasons. And I was not just hurting myself with my silence. God wants to use me and you in the lives of those around you, you just have to be willing to be used, to speak, to be yourself. To stop hiding behind false personalities, false identities, and silence, to start living out our true identity in Christ.

We went to Mexico for ten days. That was really hard on me. I know a lot of people were gone for a lot longer than me but it doesn't take long to experience culture shock. I began to feel alot of anxiety once we got on the plane Mexico in Detroit. Once we got there I found myself afraid of the water, afraid of the police, frustrated with the language situation, in a double bed with a guy about my size (talk about tight), and just this feeling of dread. So much of it was illogical and prolly meant to harm me and keep me from being effective, but whatever. I could not sleep for the first 4 or so days, I got like 4 hours of sleep a night, and if you know me I need a lot of sleep. By the second day I was mad, thinking negatively and tired. We met in the morning and the question was "how are you?" My response was that I had not been sleeping well, I felt like I had not emotional support like the rest of the team that had girlfriends, boyfriends, soon-to-be boy or girl friends, and other friends who had emailed, called, or contacted them before the trip. I felt worthless, because I saw where my mind was, and I knew where it was leading and that my effectiveness was going to become zero very soon, and I was in Mexico to serve not to break down!!!!!! So Marshall (the leader of GUPY) asked if we could talk later. We had a two hour conversation after Church that night, it went so late the pastor left and came back for us. I basically had nothing left, no emotion control, not thought control, minimal inhibitions about topic of conversation. I basically completely unloaded on Marshall. I told him just about everything in my life, all the crap I had done or had happened to me that was on my mind. I don't think I held anything back. Marshall's prayer for me that night was amazing. He prayed that I would feel God's love for me, among other things. That was huge. That had been my prayer for all my friends for the last 6 months or so, as I alluded to earlier. I don't cry, you might not know that, but I had like 2 tears when he said that, that is a pretty big deal for me. He said one other thing in his prayer. That I would feel freedom in my relationships. Freedom from the fear of hurting people, so I could actually live in my relationships and not live in my constant fear of hurting people such that I do not take the risk to actually be in relationship with them, to enjoy them and to be open with them. I might have gotten ahead of myself a bit, because this prayer has been critical to a lot of my growth and understanding of relationships. Being in close relationship requires risk, and the willingness to step into that. A relationship will die if one of two things happens, no risk is taken, or risk is taken recklessly. Learning to take risk well is what is required for a growing and deepening relationship.

Fall 2007:
Coming back to VT after the summer was hard. So much had changed. Dorm's were locked, and my friends had new schedules. I described this in an earlier blog. I have been trying to figure out how to apply all I have learned. So much of this semester is still to fresh to describe here, but I have finally started making an effort to tell people what I think and how I feel about them. I have tried to tell people the work and gifts of God in them. I have tried to tell people how I feel about our relationship, what they mean to me, and how much I care about them. I am far from where I want to be, I discount my views often. Something that a few friends have pointed out to me on several occasions, for that I am grateful. But I have felt so much freedom from in my willingness to say and do what I have started to do. I hope this lengthy post helps you understand me more, and hopefully see where your life is like mine and hopefully you can start to see the freedom in learning when to ignore fear and live.

Closing:
Please post asking for clarification if needed (sometimes I leave out details when I write due to how I think), but please do not name names in any of these stories because I left them out for a reason, thanks. And if I did not do a good enough job making the storied more general please let me know. Thanks for bearing with me. God bless.

I am not sure what the title of this should be

2007-08-31T17:23:00.000-04:00

So being back at Blacksburg has been good. It has been good to be back with the people here. But it has not been the amazing instant change I had hoped though.

Changes:

There have been so many changes. I like change but so much so quickly is hard. The dorms are locked down. People have moved dorms and/or off campus. Friends have different schedules. My schedule is changing and after two weeks is not set. I was appointed by my department to a committee. I am doing senior design that will take a lot of time. All of these are things (well except the committee thing) are things that have happened before or I expected to happen. But it is hard to adjust to all that then learn how to live the way I want to, a life without fear. In some ways it is better. I don't have as many old patterns to fall into, but I finding myself rather mentally drained.

Positives:

I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my roommate, the SGLs, and my friends. I have had chances to share about GUPY. I have been able to get to know freshmen and some of the people on my hall. It has been a great few weeks. Jeremy and I have been sharing what we learned with the leaders of IV and others. I have not had time to find where I can find a place to serve the community, but that will come with time.

One thing that has been amazing is seeing that what God teaches us is not always only for us. The things I was learning at GUPY about my relationships with people and with God have been directly applicable to many peoples lives. It is interesting how we can think that we are the only person with a struggle. In fact each person has told me that they felt they were as well. But It seems so many people fear rejection, fear they are not worth peoples time, and fear that though they will fight for a relationship others won't. It is crazy how that works. It has been so cool to have conversations and just be talking about what God has been teaching me and have the person be effected by it.

Another amazing thing is another instance of God using you when you feel inadequate. I usually end conversations and feel like I have not communicated well and that I have not shown the love God has for them well. But I was talking with a friend recently who was talking about how they wanted to be like several people who they feel care about people and communicate that care and love well. I was surprised to be in that group. I just keep finding more and more instances where God seems to use people the most when they feel most inadequate. I do not out this here to brag, I just cannot get over how quick we are to judge ourselves worthless or not as good as we are. And there is always room for improvement, there have been several instances recently that I wish had gone better. But God seems to use willingness more than confidence.

That is all for now.

LAG (Life after GUPY)

2007-08-07T18:10:00.000-04:00

So I am pretty sure I coined that acronym. But I am finding we are all having it. I went from a place where I was spending every waking moment with 9 others that were seeking God and learning in a similar manor. We had inside jokes, I have recently found that my sense of humor changed to favor the personalities and jokes of the group. We quickly began to care for and understand one another. We all have responsibilities and other people we have gotten close to over years rather than weeks. Some of us had significant others to get back to and most had responsibilities with our chapters at our schools, not to mention school and/or work. But for some reason I and the rest of us feel like crap. Part of it is of course losing the closeness we had in our relationships, we won't see each other nearly as much. Also I know for me and a few others this week or so between GUPY and school I am at my parent's house. I love my family, but it has not been home since freshman year. So I have gone from a place where God was growing me and others quickly, a place where I felt at home quickly, to a place where I do not really feel at home where I am not growing as quickly. I think I will start to do better once at VT. Once I can begin to start to live as I am used to again. Where I can start to apply what I have learned. I think this week in between is good, because I think we would kill ourselves if we started NSO (New Student Outreach) and school right after. But that doesn't make it much easier. It doesn't help the feelings of being alone, even though as I write this my family is in the room. Though I have been doing a lot today to get ready to go back so I am feeling more apart of things than I did yesterday. I can't wait to get back the Blacksburg, only six days left!!!

Life is so difficult at times

2007-07-15T20:08:00.000-04:00

So we have been doing a lot of talking at GUPY about identity. Last night we went to do Nightwatch. It is a service the Salvation Army in Greensboro does where they take the Emergency Response truck out and give food to homeless people. We had just finished feeding, talking to, and praying with a wave of people. One of our drivers had to drop off a van so we were waiting for them. The homeless in Greensboro know that the truck means we are giving out food so another wave of about 5 people came. As we fed and talked with them a woman walked by the was yelling something. I was to busy talking to the woman me and a few others were talking to to notice what it was that she said. Things got a little tense. Though again I was mostly oblivious because we were trying to express our reasons for giving out food to this woman and she kept saying we were not being real with her. Anyway, after a while the woman returned and then stuff started to boil over. We all finished up and then I saw Marshall calling the cops. One of the men we gave food to was carrying a crowbar and following another guy. The leaders told us to get in the vans, then Kelly walked to the van as the men went behind the van as well. We yelled to her to come back and she did exactly what she had to do, slowly and calmly walked back to us. The guy with the crowbar backed off and started to cry a bit. Marshall was trying to mediate while staying safe and keeping himself between us and them. A few of the girls started to pray and it was like deja vu to April 16th, so I went over and put my arm around them and prayed with them, hoping to comfort them. I don't know if it was but it just felt like what I could do at that moment, mainly based on my experience from the 16th. So the guy threw down the crowbar and sparks few a little. We felt safer and started to load up to leave to keep helping people and to get in a less dangerous situation. As I got in the van i saw them all across the street beating the crowbar at what looked like a person. I jumped in the van yelled at the last few to do the same and started to get out my first aid kit. But I was not about to run over there without police. Then about 6 cop cars came out of no where. I wanted to run over and offer to help. The van started to move and we pulled up to talk to Marshall about what to do next. Because one of the girls were between me and the door, the fact that I have no legal ability to render aid in NC, and I felt like I shouldn't leave without Marshall's approval. So I did nothing. As we drove off I stared at the dashboard in front of me. That lasted about 20 min or so. A few of the girls and Jeremy, I think, tried to comfort me. But all I could do was think, "I should have run over there" "Why God do I keep having chances to use my skills then fail to?" among other similar thoughts and questions, going in circles. I was unable to speak, something that happens to me when I am thinking hard, but this was longer and more inopportune than anytime before. Marshall asked me to come talk to him. We stepped out of the van and he asked what I was feeling. All I could get out was one word answers, anger, frustration, sadness. Then I got a whole sentence out, I told him I did not want to talk, but I would later. That was enough to let him focus on the rest of the the group and the rest of the night. I just kinda sat there for the rest of the night. Slowly I came to realize that this breakdown, for lack of a better term, was from two sources. One was identity. I identify myself as a lot of things one of which is as an EMT. So I felt that I had failed one of the identities I hold most dear. So I was a failure to myself. The second is related, I failed to speak and to act. So I failed to prove to myself and others that I have what it takes. So I guess this is also identity, but I failed to live up to being a man, in my view. I started to realize this some, then I was able to go out at the last stop of the night to talk with more people. The next morning Marshall brought up the second source, which was before I completely grasped that. And he tried to speak into my life the acceptance God has for me, and his acceptance of me. But as he found, it meant nothing to me. Because it was not a lack of eternal acceptance I was dealing with. I was not accepting myself. I was so mad and disappointed in myself. I had to be the one to speak the words of acceptance into my life, I just hadn't yet. Rough night, this and other events are why I learned so much at GUPY.

Lets give this a go

2007-07-09T17:58:00.000-04:00

So I am big into journaling, but rarely do I share my written musings with others. For those of you that don't know I am currently in Greensboro, NC at GUPY (Greensboro Urban Project). Marshall, the leader, is big into blogging and talks about it often. I am not sure how often I will update this, journaling take a lot of thought and energy for me and it usually is incomprehensible to those that are not me, which means it is not all that helpful. But I have become more interested in sharing my thoughts in a more widespread form as of late so hopefully this will help me develop my communication skills. I don't intend to have a topic of discussion other than my thoughts, hence the generic name.

So here I am. I am a large white man living for 6 weeks in Glenwood, a mostly African-American and Latino neighborhood. I stand out. I am here on an Urban Project, a fancy name for a mission trip. I spent a week with middle school and high school aged kids taking them to Atlanta and learning about Hip-Hop culture along with them, we are talking the re stuff not what is on the radio. I have gone to 2 large black churches and one good size white church the in the last 3 Sundays. I am interning with Lutheran Family Services, a diverse refugee relocation agency. I have tried to have conversations with refugees that speak little English. Heck I have given up my summer to do this rather than make $5,000+ in an engineering internship. I will likely be recognized by the church I go to when I get home. But what is the point? People look at me and the others doing GUPY and applaud our efforts, yet do nothing. Some support us financially, and I am so grateful for that. But I dunno, it doesn't seem like much. I hang out with these kids, and they are awesome, but when I am done i retreat to my room and my PC, or go to dinner at a place like Uno's, where I would never think to change before eating there unless I was covered in dirt, that would be a HUGE deal to these kids. I feed the homeless then return to my A/C and cold sodas.

I feel like I am putting myself out during the day, but once back from my internship with LFS I sit at home hanging out with the rest of the GUPYs (what they call people doing GUPY). Why do we get attention at a church 2 blocks from Glenwood for living here? Why do we get attention for giving up our summers to serve God and learn more about him? Why is that not commonplace in the Church? Why do I feel like I still not doing all I could, when as I listed above I am doing so much more than others?

I don't want people to recognize me for doing stuff. I don't want people to clap at my list of actions or accomplishments. I want to love God and love those around me as he does. I want people to desire that as well. Is it really that rare for people to live out their identity as God's child that those of us that do or start to get claps and recognition? I would love for the Church to wake up. Maybe that is part of why I am drawn to doing staff with InterVarsity. College students seem to be hungry for the adventure that being a child of God is. And if they can learn to live that out through college, maybe the Church will start to change. Will begin to do what it should have been doing since day one.

Please don't take the list earlier as bragging, as I am writing this I feel like I am not doing enough. That I am retreating to my white middle-class bubble at night. That list is almost comical to me, because I am sure someone would read that and be impressed, but I don't see how I could do anything less.

Since writing this we had a Bible study where others kinda brought up some of what I was trying to convey. I hope this post shows the discontentment I have right now. Hopefully as the weeks go on I will be able to develop this discontentment into action, both for me and for the Virginia Tech chapter of IV.