So Marshall Benbow spoke at VT a few weeks ago. His talk was awesome as always and then, since it was our joint large group with CCF (a Korean American Campus Ministry that meets right next to us that we have developed a relationship with), their speaker got up and scrapped his talk to elaborate on what Marshall said, read Marshall's post for some more details. But at the end of Marshall's talk he challenged us to ask God what our name is. The name that He gives us not the names we give ourselves. The name that came to my mind as I prayed was "Desirable" and I didn't tell anyone. I am sad to say my initial though was "Hmmm... that sounds like a girls name." But as the name sunk in that night and over the next few weeks I feel that it is my name. I thought of the names I have given myself:
Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.
Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.
Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.
Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).
After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.
Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...
BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.
Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saying Good Bye
So the last few weeks have been really hard. I mean the end of each year is hard, leaving friends for a few months and having to readjust to being under your parents roof again. But this time is harder. This time I have been at VT for 4 years. This time I should be leaving too.
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
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