Wait... WHAT?!?!?!

So this week has been crazy. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of a while, at least in this small of a space.

The last few weeks I have finally started to see something come out of my prayers and times in scripture, not HUGE things, but little insights that have helped direct me and encourage me.

This week has put me in a position I did not expect on so many levels. I cannot explain in this post on the inter-tubes right now... but I got nothing.

Nothing that makes me worthy of the good things from this week.

Nothing that I can use to explain or push aside the negative things.

Nothing that I can use to take full control of my job search (the location of the negatives) or the rest of my life.

At the moment I am in a precarious position where if God is not with me, granting me wisdom and strength, I will fail.

The easiest way to describe this week is a combination and rapid succession of both positive and negative events and situations where the only thing I can think to do is cling to God.

God I pray that my eyes and heart are open to you and your guidance and mercy in my life...

cause on my own I've got nothing.

Selfishness

So I was sitting in the back of 180 as is my custom since I was a freshman. Nothing really on my mind, then a freshman got up from where he was,sat down and said I was on his heart and asked if he could pray for me. I told him there was nothing, which was not a lie but not really trying to think or express myself either.

So I sat there and I praying, but it was fairly general stuff in my head. And it occurred to me that I have not felt 'someone was laid on my heart' for some time.

I am in a time of transition and when I am in times like this I tend to withdraw. I am not in control, I do not know what to do to honor God, my friends, or myself. It is a double edged sword. Someone like me who has the memories and past of being ignored or just not sought out by friends I still have a hard time feeling completely alone when I am not part of the group. I have gotten better about it, and with me leaving and not being at VT next year I honestly also love seeing my friends hang out with and enjoy others. I enjoyed that before, but more so now that I am leaving. It helps me feel like they will be taken care of once I leave. But it also makes me feel like an outsider in my head long before my time to go.

And from that paragraph and other posts recently the conclusion that came to me might become clear. I have become incredibly self-centered. Here is an example of my prayers for the last few months:

- God, how do I end my time at VT well?
- God, how can I honor you today?
- God, what will I be doing after I graduate?
- God, where will my next step take me?
- God, where should I look or what should I do to find a job?
- God, how do I love my friends well?
- God, how do I figure out how to interact with my friends since I am leaving?
- God, please give me wisdom.
- God, please show me how you will help me with my goals.
- God, how do I love/ interact with X? (specific friends)

Even in my desire to do things for others my prayer is about me.

I find myself feeling out of place easy. Getting frustrated with friends that are going through hard times and not talking to me about it.

Something about this time feels off from times I have felt like I was in a good relationship with God. And even now God is still using me to care for people and help them come to a better understanding of God. Like I say something that is an epiphany for them but I still feel like just some guy.

I want my focus to be on God and the things of his kingdom. I want loving my friends to be something I think/ feel like I do well, not something I feel I am failing at.

But this time it seems like I can only think in terms of I or me.

God please help me see how to live out the life you have given me. To be able to enjoy my relationships and live out the Gospel in everything I do.

Injustice and Justice

So recently in IV or NLCF, I can't remember which; they were discussing justice, God's Justice. And they used an interesting definition of injustice.

Injustice is taking something from someone who has no ability to keep you (or the doer of injustice) from doing so, or being able to reclaim what was taken.

They explained it for different groups,

Sex Slaves - their sexuality meant to be shared with the person of their choosing is taken from them and abused on a daily basis, they cannot stop it or fight back.

Homeless/ Hungry - regardless of how they got there, they are unable to earn money or keep food or possessions for themselves and so often if something is taken from them they are ignored.

I think of the entire movie "Slumdog Millionaire." He constantly has anything good taken from him by others, sometimes strangers and even his own brother. The entire movie he has no recourse. The point from the talk is that we as a body are about restoring humanity and justice to people. That we should use our gifts of money, time, education, power, etc to stand for those that cannot. When I think of how if anyone took something from me or did something to me how between who I am, my money, and my connections to others with standing and more money... I will get justice....

I agree whatever my career looks like I want to be about living generously, helping others stand, showing them the respect and love God has for them and this world should have for them. But I was thinking.... using that definition we need to be careful. It is not perfect of course, but there is a side missed. I am a fan of small government. There is an old saying...

"Capitalism is unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is equal distribution of poverty, and communism is socialism with a gun to your back."

This person is obviously not a fan of communism... but how does government work? It has guns and jails to ensure you follow their rules.

So is it right as Christians to fight for social programs from the government?

How are they paid for? Taxes, taking from those who have no ability to keep you from taking from them or able to get it back.

Yeah usually the argument is that "They have enough." or "They got that money BY exploiting people it is only right to return it by taking it from them!"

I think many social and racial issues can be solved by fixing the government or ever ambiguous "System" we refer to.

But my hesitation so many times I speak with friend, brothers and sisters with God about Justice is the solution almost always is Government Program X, Y, or Z getting more money.

More money for Schools!!!! When the best systems in this country spend far less per student than the worst.

More Welfare Money!!!! When it has such a history of abuse.

Not that I do not want to see Schools improve or people be supported and find work. I do, I know God does. I just think we as Christians need to think very carefully before we get in bed with the Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, the United Way, etc.

So I ask, can you solve bring Justice to others through unjust means?

Social reconciliation... we need this too, and I see others and even myself become turned off to supporting groups and projects every day when they start saying the Government needs to take from the rich, and take care of the poor... loosing much of the money on the way.

I want to be about heart change, leading myself, my future family, and others to living lives that a generous, not insulating ourselves from pain and poverty through the government and charities... not by giving my money so some political party can have people thank them, glorify them, when it is God who should be praised...

As I write this I have passed by 2 homeless men at different times in the last 7 days. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on... but there are my 2 cents.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

I didn't see, when I was thirsty you lobbied Congress and they gave me cash... but feel free to disagree with me, most do. But I thought it was worthy of being said.

Questions

I find the older I get the more my questions are not answered directly but simply lead to more and deeper questions.

Or just back to the same old questions from before...

What is healing?

So I have been thinking about this for a little while. What does it mean to be healed?

In scripture we see people told to get up and walk, having sight returned, having leprosy healed. These seem kind of obvious that they are healed. Healing means the ailment they had no longer affects them.

But I am fairly healthy, I have been blessed that way. My only physical issue is moderately poor eyesight and being overweight. I have contact lenses, and have been working on my weight for a while, so those are really non-issues. The place I see myself seeking healing is emotionally.

I am by far not the most emotionally injured person but I have my share from simply being rejected by women on most occasions (varying from gracious No's to the girl not talking to me for 3 months), being the fat kid in middle school and getting picked on and disregarded, April 16th (was not in the building but close enough), to things I recently decided should not be placed on the Internet (though I am more and more willing to talk about them).

So I began asking what healing means...

Does it mean having no greater reaction to seeing/ hearing similar things to what has hurt me that others?

Does it mean defining myself by what has happened to and around me?

Does it mean forgetting?

Does it mean fighting against others feeling what I have felt?

Does it mean having someone with some expensive degree say I am fine?

Does it mean proclaiming to the world all that has happened then moving forward?

If I have a broken leg and it heals I can see the healing... what about this?

When I hear of a shooting in a place I have a connection to it hurts deeply. When I get an email from VT Alerts, my heart sinks. But I don't fall apart.

I saw parts of a video about 2 women who were abused as children by their family friend. His name was 'Alan.' Besides that, I felt a deep pain and anger about that story. It was not a distant person or a movie... it was very near me. But I still could function and talk and serve that day.

These two instances are why I wonder what healing means.

I do not want to become numb!!! I don't want to make jokes when I hear of yet another murder in my town, city, school, anywhere. I don't want to dismiss peoples pain... I want to feel the pain of those my Heavenly Father loves and has or desires to show himself to.

I ask myself and God what healing means, because for awhile I thought it was forgetting or having no greater emotional connection to other events that those who have not experienced what I have.

But the idea of numbing myself to that pain, seems so wrong. I want to be able to empathize, I want to be unable to ignore injustice because I feel it.

So again I wonder what is healing?

The closest thing I am aware of in Scripture about this is Jesus healing the leper.

Mark 1:40-45

I will only quote two verse here, verse 41 and 42 (NIV, emphasis mine)

"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. "

Jesus took the step to touch the man with leprosy, a man not touched in years. I am convinced that this is to grant him emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical healing.

I wish I knew how this man lived his life past that point... perhaps that might indicate what emotional healing looks like. Did he move forward forgetting the past? Did he work to help those around the town who still have leprosy? What? All Mark says is that rather than keeping quiet as Jesus instructed him he told all the town.

I think feeling the pain of others is good, that it is not an indication of not being or receiving healing. But the 16th is an assumption as long as I live in Blacksburg, not when I leave. So with that and other things I still wonder...

How do I let you redeem the brokenness in and around me God?

How to I use what I have experienced to encourage Your children?

How do I understand how all the brokenness I still feel fits into the idea of being a new creation in You? How can I explain that to others?