This has been an awesome weekend. All but one of the students that did GUPY 2007 got back together in Glenwood this weekend. It was a good time. And since what I lack in frequency I make up for in volume :) here we go.
I came into the weekend tired, with many ideas for the coming semester, but lacking the feeling of joy and excitement I am used to going into a semester. I walked into Marshall's house with Kelly and Jeremy and saw the other people from GUPY I felt a peace, but my face barely showed it. We were hanging out, marveling at how much Jacob (Marshall's youngest) had grown, and eating dinner. Then we started sharing about our semesters. We all had hard ones. All had instances of how things did not go our way. But at the same time I feel like there was still hope for the future, hope for how God was working even in the most difficult stories. As we went around, trying to keep it short, jokes were made about my being long winded. Jokes that are accurate, but when my turn came I felt and odd cold, I could barely talk, like I was nervous, but I wasn't. I really don't know what was up with that.
Then I got to sleep on the magically deflating air mattress (twice as I would learn later). I didn't sleep all that well. But the next day we had a quiet time about abiding in God (John 15). That was awesome. I really feel like God has been blessing me with letting me see him use me even when I do not feel I am in him as much as I would like. That has been a blessing to me, but I felt like I was becoming content in that and not trying/ desiring him to use me more, to work on the disciplines to help me be more ready to hear his voice and see his leading. He has been pruning me a while, and as Marshall noted while most of us felt like we were being pruned the main focus of the passage is not the pruning but living in him, and the promise that if we are in him he is in us and we will bear fruit. It was just a good time to refocus and see what God is doing, and can do. I think we were all encouraged through that reading.
We got to give some feedback on GUPY and help Marshall plan for GUPY 2008. I think it was a good reminder of all we did to talk about what was good. I think it helped revive some of the memories of what we had learned and left wanting to do. We spent the rest of the day hanging out, catching up, sharing jokes, reminiscing, eating at Natty Green's, talking about Vision and leadership and complaining about the candidates avoiding the questions during the debates.
This morning we went to Grace Community Church. And I loved the sermon, the video didn't make any sense, but the sermon was good. It was the lead pastor talking about the vision and direction for the church. How he had spent a year searching for it. And basically his response was communication, growth, and service. I think his exact words were connect, grow, serve, share... maybe this is more simple than what I said. I guess the part that resonated the most with me was where he said college grads talk about all the growth they had in college then say they got to busy and stopped growing afterwards. That is something I have noticed, and feared on some level with the Church. Something that has caused me to question when staff with campus ministries tell us to go to a church and not just our meetings. I feared the church didn't notice or care. It was really encouraging to see a pastor mention that. Granted UNCG is right down the road, but still. And being there to see Marshall begin his transition from IV to Grace and GUPY was cool as well.
Then after lunch, and getting back on the road it was hard to leave again. I found myself wanting a group of my friends from college to chose to move to a city so I wouldn't have to leave them all. But at the same time the conversations and prayer we had were what I needed to get the joy and excitement I thought I should feel. And while riding, reading, listening to music, and conversing with Jeremy, I got a few texts from a friend. Nothing huge, but it was kinda cool to know someone from VT was thinking of me, it made the drive back feel more like a transition back to school than just waiting around in Richmond. I have 4 days before the Vision Team retreat where things start to get interesting, and I know I need those to pack, and prepare. But I just felt like I should be on my way to Blacksburg, not Richmond. I feel like my heart and mindset, at least for now, are oriented to see little things as blessings and encouragements. That is just cool...
sooo this had no real plan or direct purpose, other than being my thoughts at the moment.
God's got big plans, I can't wait to see what he does.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Look at 2007
2007 was an interesting year. My years have been full of growth, relationships, fun, pain, stress, and just about every emotion imaginable since I started college. I would be lying if I said I have liked every minute of it, but I have loved college overall.
This year has been difficult. I started serving on the vision team of InterVarsity (IV) at Virginia Tech. That has been difficult and rewarding. I have grown so much through this. Learning how to care for people more and more. Learning to trust my instincts about plans. Learning to trust God to lead me and to care for his people. That he has put me in a position to work with him, but that he is going to do his work and it is not up to me. He will do his work and not all of it is for me to do, not all that I wish to do is for me to do. And he will do his work even if I feel I am to weak. He also will strengthen me and equip me to do the work he has set before me. I expected this year to be hard being on vision team, as odd as it seems I also expected this year to be harder and also to have more awesome times than I could expect. That I would come to the end and be amazed. But I had no idea. After classes and leader selection I thought I had had the hard stuff. Then the 16th happened.
That day and the weeks after were the oddest combination of joy and pain ever. Such sadness and confusion about what happened. Yet the time I got to spend with friends was amazing. So much time with people who have meant so much to me. People who I want to get to know better, and people who already have been let into the deepest parts of my heart. It was awesome. Everyday waking up with only the desire to be with people, be with God, and enjoy the presence of both. It is confusing to look back and wonder if I should look back with joy or sadness. But I would not trade any moment I got to spend with anyone those weeks for anything in the world.
Then came Rockbridge. Again it was an awesome time. A time to get away from Blacksburg, be in the woods, but still have good food and comfortable beds. I was more somber than usual. I also spent a good deal of time thinking and praying through what I had been experiencing. Then I saw people in the chapter having problems. Problems that I did not know the cause of or the way to fix them. I did not know how I was to help. How I was to care for them. But as I sat there thinking and praying, worrying, I saw God use other people to care for them when I could not see how.
Then came the weeks before GUPY. They were nice, I got to rest and sleep. I also got to get away for a while. But they were also unbearable. I started to feel the effects of having no purpose for so long. Let me explain. I had no school work, no work, we minimized the requirements for my involvement in IV, we spent our time with each other. At home I had no chores or jobs, no reason to wake up except being tired of being in bed, no reason to sleep besides being bored with being awake. Never before had I realized so clearly something central to myself and many if not all men. The need for a purpose. I held on only with the thoughts of GUPY coming.
Then GUPY. That is a whole different animal. I got to know 9 other students (only 2 of whom I knew before) well. In 6 weeks we went from learning names to being in some of the deepest relationships I have had, definently the deepest in the short time. We had great times in Cracker Barrel, the park in down-town Greensboro, and on the corner of Silver and Haywood. We also had hard times in Atlanta, across the street from Greensboro Urban Ministries, and La Presa, Mexico. I personally had a very hard time in Mexico. As I told some of the people at GUPY, I experienced the range of emotions I usually experience in a whole year just in that few weeks. There were times I questioned why they still talked to me, suffered through having me around. That is an emotion I thought I had dealt with a year ago in Blacksburg. That time helped me to grow in so many ways, it also helped solidify and reemphasize what I had learned in the past.
Then after dealing with the loss of those relationships (we keep in touch, in fact most of the readers of this that I know of are people from GUPY), but they are not the same as they were. We are back to our lives from before, only changed from our experiences. Then coming back to Blacksburg, trying to rebuild relationships that I had not gotten to talk with much or see in three months. I talked about this time in an earlier post and this is starting to get long so I am moving on.
This semester had times of awesomeness. I had some amazing times and moments with very close friends. Times where life made more sense than ever before, followed by times where I had no idea what was going on. Not everything went my way, in fact many things did not. Classes went my way. Other than that the best I can say is that things went God's way as often as possible, which ends up going my way once I am enough removed to see his plans. And I was able to help things go my friends way. So it was a good semester.
One thing that happened a few weeks ago, right before exams, is my uncle died. Matthew C. Westerdale died from the progression of Muscular Dystrophy. I got to see him over Thanksgiving break, about a week before he died. He was awesome, he was encouraging to people, he was sharing Jesus with everyone that came by. He was tired, but when awake he was on fire for God. My family told me when he died he looked at peace, and though he there were a few times he thought he was going to die that night and didn't. He again predicted he would go, and slowly and peacefully passed on. I am glad he is now at rest and free from his aliment, but it is still hard to see someone go.
This was sooo much longer than I intended. But looking at all this that has happened I cannot begin to imagine what this year holds. But I also cannot wait to see. I expect it to hold alot of challenge, opportunities, pain, and stress. But I am confident that God's Will will be done and I will grow through whatever happens.
That is what he does, takes to good and the bad and uses it for his purposes. And his purpose is to love us and reveal himself to us so we can do his work and so those who do not know him have the opportunity(s) to come to know their heavenly father. How awesome is it that we get to be part of His work?!
Bring it on 2008!
This year has been difficult. I started serving on the vision team of InterVarsity (IV) at Virginia Tech. That has been difficult and rewarding. I have grown so much through this. Learning how to care for people more and more. Learning to trust my instincts about plans. Learning to trust God to lead me and to care for his people. That he has put me in a position to work with him, but that he is going to do his work and it is not up to me. He will do his work and not all of it is for me to do, not all that I wish to do is for me to do. And he will do his work even if I feel I am to weak. He also will strengthen me and equip me to do the work he has set before me. I expected this year to be hard being on vision team, as odd as it seems I also expected this year to be harder and also to have more awesome times than I could expect. That I would come to the end and be amazed. But I had no idea. After classes and leader selection I thought I had had the hard stuff. Then the 16th happened.
That day and the weeks after were the oddest combination of joy and pain ever. Such sadness and confusion about what happened. Yet the time I got to spend with friends was amazing. So much time with people who have meant so much to me. People who I want to get to know better, and people who already have been let into the deepest parts of my heart. It was awesome. Everyday waking up with only the desire to be with people, be with God, and enjoy the presence of both. It is confusing to look back and wonder if I should look back with joy or sadness. But I would not trade any moment I got to spend with anyone those weeks for anything in the world.
Then came Rockbridge. Again it was an awesome time. A time to get away from Blacksburg, be in the woods, but still have good food and comfortable beds. I was more somber than usual. I also spent a good deal of time thinking and praying through what I had been experiencing. Then I saw people in the chapter having problems. Problems that I did not know the cause of or the way to fix them. I did not know how I was to help. How I was to care for them. But as I sat there thinking and praying, worrying, I saw God use other people to care for them when I could not see how.
Then came the weeks before GUPY. They were nice, I got to rest and sleep. I also got to get away for a while. But they were also unbearable. I started to feel the effects of having no purpose for so long. Let me explain. I had no school work, no work, we minimized the requirements for my involvement in IV, we spent our time with each other. At home I had no chores or jobs, no reason to wake up except being tired of being in bed, no reason to sleep besides being bored with being awake. Never before had I realized so clearly something central to myself and many if not all men. The need for a purpose. I held on only with the thoughts of GUPY coming.
Then GUPY. That is a whole different animal. I got to know 9 other students (only 2 of whom I knew before) well. In 6 weeks we went from learning names to being in some of the deepest relationships I have had, definently the deepest in the short time. We had great times in Cracker Barrel, the park in down-town Greensboro, and on the corner of Silver and Haywood. We also had hard times in Atlanta, across the street from Greensboro Urban Ministries, and La Presa, Mexico. I personally had a very hard time in Mexico. As I told some of the people at GUPY, I experienced the range of emotions I usually experience in a whole year just in that few weeks. There were times I questioned why they still talked to me, suffered through having me around. That is an emotion I thought I had dealt with a year ago in Blacksburg. That time helped me to grow in so many ways, it also helped solidify and reemphasize what I had learned in the past.
Then after dealing with the loss of those relationships (we keep in touch, in fact most of the readers of this that I know of are people from GUPY), but they are not the same as they were. We are back to our lives from before, only changed from our experiences. Then coming back to Blacksburg, trying to rebuild relationships that I had not gotten to talk with much or see in three months. I talked about this time in an earlier post and this is starting to get long so I am moving on.
This semester had times of awesomeness. I had some amazing times and moments with very close friends. Times where life made more sense than ever before, followed by times where I had no idea what was going on. Not everything went my way, in fact many things did not. Classes went my way. Other than that the best I can say is that things went God's way as often as possible, which ends up going my way once I am enough removed to see his plans. And I was able to help things go my friends way. So it was a good semester.
One thing that happened a few weeks ago, right before exams, is my uncle died. Matthew C. Westerdale died from the progression of Muscular Dystrophy. I got to see him over Thanksgiving break, about a week before he died. He was awesome, he was encouraging to people, he was sharing Jesus with everyone that came by. He was tired, but when awake he was on fire for God. My family told me when he died he looked at peace, and though he there were a few times he thought he was going to die that night and didn't. He again predicted he would go, and slowly and peacefully passed on. I am glad he is now at rest and free from his aliment, but it is still hard to see someone go.
This was sooo much longer than I intended. But looking at all this that has happened I cannot begin to imagine what this year holds. But I also cannot wait to see. I expect it to hold alot of challenge, opportunities, pain, and stress. But I am confident that God's Will will be done and I will grow through whatever happens.
That is what he does, takes to good and the bad and uses it for his purposes. And his purpose is to love us and reveal himself to us so we can do his work and so those who do not know him have the opportunity(s) to come to know their heavenly father. How awesome is it that we get to be part of His work?!
Bring it on 2008!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Thoughts So Far
I have really enjoyed thinking about this (see previous post) over the last week or so, and I have so much more to think about. But I have been really enjoying this. The biggest reason is it is something with a purpose. People have noted that I tend to have opinions or idea of what to do in many situations (especially relationships). That is because I usually spend time that I am not actively doing homework, in class, or doing something IV related, or hanging out I am thinking about relationships, my day, or what I need to fix. And it could be argued that I am still thinking about fixing things, but there is a feeling of excitement in this analyzing and thinking that usually my thoughts are trying to make sense of something that is bothering myself or someone close to me. Darn... again that is part of my reason for wanting that, but it doesn't feel the same. I am seeing so many ways we can improve the mechanics of what we are doing to allow the Spirit to work.
I feel like the heart of the chapter is at a great place to hear God's voice. Just in the last week two new members to the VT chapter of IV have posted on facebook about how the community has ministered to them, helped them find themselves, and (as we desire) to find God. But I think the current organization supports people that happen upon us and are freshmen or Sophomores. We do NSO (New Student Outreach) and encourage Small Groups to reach out to the dorms they meet in but that is about it. We have a strong discipleship base here. We have people that disciple 2 or more people at once (some at other schools have told me they think this is foolish but oh well), and most leaders and members that want it are in a discipleship relationship by the end of their first semester or beginning of the second semester in our chapter. But the Juniors and Seniors are largely not discipled. There are not enough staff to disciple the upperclassmen and the few of us that are discipled have found, through luck or a very persistent older student, a member of a local church to disciple us. And with the old small group system where we changed small groups every year for many upperclassmen they had very few friends except those in their major or other older students, so they drifted away their Senior year. Unless you were a leader in which case you were good until the end of your term of service.
So what I am trying to see is how IV can be a place that does what it does now well. But also help the upperclassmen and the non-leaders grow as well. In college people are deciding who they want to be the rest of their lives. We are learning about ourselves and the world around us (specifically our major) each year. I guess I see IV as a community that comes along side the growth we are already doing. It is a place to encourage our spiritual growth while we are growing socially and intellectually. It is a place we can learn how to love people and how to encourage them. How to deal with conflict. And something I think IV can easily do, and doesn't yet at VT or not as well as it could, is help people learn they have a vision and encourage them to run with it.
Most of the things I am trying to figure out are the things that I have seen that have caused frustration or confusion for members. I think that people in positions need to know what they are expected to do. I have seen the expectations be set aside with emphasis on the spiritual aspects only. Something I really learned after the 16th and in the first few weeks of summer before GUPY is that people (more specifically men, but I think for women too) need a purpose. We need to have expectations and goals. We need to be careful because we can make them to hard or to stressful and we take God out of the equation and we also kill the spirit of excitement and joy from the work. but with no expectations nothing happens and the spirit of excitement and joy leave because you don't feel there is any worth to your work. People seem to work and enjoy work most with a specific level of stress. There is a level of stress and expectation that brings out the best work in people, and with that a sense of accomplishment and worth. I feel like the small group leaders and vision team have gotten dangerously close to a point where they have lost the challenge and worth to their work. Not all leaders and not all the time but it seems to be a growing trend. Also we are all students we cannot and should not expect work in IV to the most important thing and not expect there to be 40 hours a week of work in these positions.
I am excited because just thinking of idea and how to do them has given me the most sense of challenge and worth to my job yet.
So I called this my thoughts, but really I have been trying to help you see where I am thinking and explain myself a bit to those who might not have known exactly where I was coming from.
So what have I thought about so far? I am not quite ready to discuss my thoughts on the responsibilities but communication is a huge start to doing what I want to see happen.
Vision team has set a vision the last two years at least. If you are not on vision team I doubt you know what it is. That is the first thing. The vision set for the chapter needs to be communicated to, accepted by, and become the vision of the members of the chapter. This starts with communicating the vision to the small group leaders and action teams (teams that work with the vision team members to get their job done [ex. 180 team and community action team]). Once they know they can work it into their small groups and events. We need to then communicate the vision at each event and meeting. Either the vision for the meeting/ event or the vision over all or both. It doesn't need to be "Hi, this is the vision." we can communicate it in more interesting ways but it needs to be said. Then people will know why we exist, why we are doing what we are doing, and hopefully why they should be part of it.
The VT chapter was only about 40 people 6-7 years ago. And largely we have not changed much of how we do to. That is why I am so excited to be thinking about this. In general I have found that guys like to make a difference. I like making a difference at least. I love it when I have a great talk where someone comes to a better understanding of themselves or God through it. I and everyone in IV at VT right now can be part of helping IV get to a point where the community is ready to reach the campus and help each other grow.
The trick, and the part I am still working on is what is the vision, what are the responsibilities, and how to help the chapter move in that direction. It needs to be done with heart and caring, because this is not a business, and this needs to be God driven, not driven by me or anyone else. I personally think it is in line with God and his will, and that many of these plans and ideas are his. That is why there is a vision team and staff, once the semester starts we will begin thinking about my ideas and others and the best way to challenge and encourage without alienating or condemning the members.
So that is what I am doing, I am trying to look at what we are doing and how to challenge people and encourage them well. And I find it exciting because there is so much potential in the members of the chapter and the chapter as a group. And there is no way I or the current vision team can do all of this, meaning we can only start trying to re-organize and re-imagine how the chapter at VT works. It is exciting because last year in my position I went between doing nothing to caring for people as best I could, but I feel I did little to improve things and I have a second chance to try.
This is not the most organized thing ever as I am writing as I think, but my goal is to have my thoughts more organized in time for next semester. Thanks for your continued prayer as I am thinking and dreaming. Also any thoughts, ideas, or criticism (constructive only please) for the chapter at VT would be greatly appreciated, email preferred.
In case I don't post again this week. Merry Christmas.
I feel like the heart of the chapter is at a great place to hear God's voice. Just in the last week two new members to the VT chapter of IV have posted on facebook about how the community has ministered to them, helped them find themselves, and (as we desire) to find God. But I think the current organization supports people that happen upon us and are freshmen or Sophomores. We do NSO (New Student Outreach) and encourage Small Groups to reach out to the dorms they meet in but that is about it. We have a strong discipleship base here. We have people that disciple 2 or more people at once (some at other schools have told me they think this is foolish but oh well), and most leaders and members that want it are in a discipleship relationship by the end of their first semester or beginning of the second semester in our chapter. But the Juniors and Seniors are largely not discipled. There are not enough staff to disciple the upperclassmen and the few of us that are discipled have found, through luck or a very persistent older student, a member of a local church to disciple us. And with the old small group system where we changed small groups every year for many upperclassmen they had very few friends except those in their major or other older students, so they drifted away their Senior year. Unless you were a leader in which case you were good until the end of your term of service.
So what I am trying to see is how IV can be a place that does what it does now well. But also help the upperclassmen and the non-leaders grow as well. In college people are deciding who they want to be the rest of their lives. We are learning about ourselves and the world around us (specifically our major) each year. I guess I see IV as a community that comes along side the growth we are already doing. It is a place to encourage our spiritual growth while we are growing socially and intellectually. It is a place we can learn how to love people and how to encourage them. How to deal with conflict. And something I think IV can easily do, and doesn't yet at VT or not as well as it could, is help people learn they have a vision and encourage them to run with it.
Most of the things I am trying to figure out are the things that I have seen that have caused frustration or confusion for members. I think that people in positions need to know what they are expected to do. I have seen the expectations be set aside with emphasis on the spiritual aspects only. Something I really learned after the 16th and in the first few weeks of summer before GUPY is that people (more specifically men, but I think for women too) need a purpose. We need to have expectations and goals. We need to be careful because we can make them to hard or to stressful and we take God out of the equation and we also kill the spirit of excitement and joy from the work. but with no expectations nothing happens and the spirit of excitement and joy leave because you don't feel there is any worth to your work. People seem to work and enjoy work most with a specific level of stress. There is a level of stress and expectation that brings out the best work in people, and with that a sense of accomplishment and worth. I feel like the small group leaders and vision team have gotten dangerously close to a point where they have lost the challenge and worth to their work. Not all leaders and not all the time but it seems to be a growing trend. Also we are all students we cannot and should not expect work in IV to the most important thing and not expect there to be 40 hours a week of work in these positions.
I am excited because just thinking of idea and how to do them has given me the most sense of challenge and worth to my job yet.
So I called this my thoughts, but really I have been trying to help you see where I am thinking and explain myself a bit to those who might not have known exactly where I was coming from.
So what have I thought about so far? I am not quite ready to discuss my thoughts on the responsibilities but communication is a huge start to doing what I want to see happen.
Vision team has set a vision the last two years at least. If you are not on vision team I doubt you know what it is. That is the first thing. The vision set for the chapter needs to be communicated to, accepted by, and become the vision of the members of the chapter. This starts with communicating the vision to the small group leaders and action teams (teams that work with the vision team members to get their job done [ex. 180 team and community action team]). Once they know they can work it into their small groups and events. We need to then communicate the vision at each event and meeting. Either the vision for the meeting/ event or the vision over all or both. It doesn't need to be "Hi, this is the vision." we can communicate it in more interesting ways but it needs to be said. Then people will know why we exist, why we are doing what we are doing, and hopefully why they should be part of it.
The VT chapter was only about 40 people 6-7 years ago. And largely we have not changed much of how we do to. That is why I am so excited to be thinking about this. In general I have found that guys like to make a difference. I like making a difference at least. I love it when I have a great talk where someone comes to a better understanding of themselves or God through it. I and everyone in IV at VT right now can be part of helping IV get to a point where the community is ready to reach the campus and help each other grow.
The trick, and the part I am still working on is what is the vision, what are the responsibilities, and how to help the chapter move in that direction. It needs to be done with heart and caring, because this is not a business, and this needs to be God driven, not driven by me or anyone else. I personally think it is in line with God and his will, and that many of these plans and ideas are his. That is why there is a vision team and staff, once the semester starts we will begin thinking about my ideas and others and the best way to challenge and encourage without alienating or condemning the members.
So that is what I am doing, I am trying to look at what we are doing and how to challenge people and encourage them well. And I find it exciting because there is so much potential in the members of the chapter and the chapter as a group. And there is no way I or the current vision team can do all of this, meaning we can only start trying to re-organize and re-imagine how the chapter at VT works. It is exciting because last year in my position I went between doing nothing to caring for people as best I could, but I feel I did little to improve things and I have a second chance to try.
This is not the most organized thing ever as I am writing as I think, but my goal is to have my thoughts more organized in time for next semester. Thanks for your continued prayer as I am thinking and dreaming. Also any thoughts, ideas, or criticism (constructive only please) for the chapter at VT would be greatly appreciated, email preferred.
In case I don't post again this week. Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I need to get better at this
So I started this blog after GUPY, but I have been really bad at updating it. I have had ideas of what to write but I don't really have a vision for this blog. So since this is the break of vision seeking I will be trying to see about this too.
But here is what I am planning to do this break:
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of each position of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Small Group Leaders
- Figure out how to keep all these people accountable for their positions
- Figure out how to increase communication between the Vision Team and the Chapter
- Figure out how to increase communication in general
- Define the vision for the InterVarsity Chapter at Virginia Tech (err... my vision :) )
- Develop a plan to fix Small Groups at Virginia Tech
- Develop a plan for a sustainable Chapter at Virginia Tech
- Figure out who I am, and who I want to be
- Figure out what happened this semester (I like to evaluate my semesters)
I recently was reading (still am actually) a book about men in the church. And he said something I believe to be true that "Men need vision - not just relationships to stay motivated in church." Now I am not trying to get into the whole argument of is IV the church or not, but I look around and I see almost every other chapter in our region being almost all girls. And In IV at VT we have been praying for women for years and we are finally about 50/50. The only problem... it is both from an increase in women and a decrease in men, at the same time. We have had several visions floating around in the last year or so, for the first time we are trying to have a vision for the chapter, but I do not feel that we have focused on one or a few such that the chapter knows the vision. We have not been communicating with the chapter well. I want to fix that. Or try. So I have huge aspirations for this break, we shall see what happens. I have a goal, I can only set it up over break, but I have been given another year on vision team to start to make it happen. God put IV on the campus of Virginia Tech for a reason, for a long time, arguably still, that reason has been for ourselves. Our growth, our community, our enjoyment, and IV is all of those things. But it is also a place for us to learn how to develop a vision, where the leaders can help provide the resources and authority to make the vision happen. A place where people can learn how to love and care for people well, how to interact with people well. And finally and most importantly a community that exists to share the gospel with those who have not heard it, or need to hear it again, or in a different way.
That is what is on my mind. I hope to blog more over break, so if you want a preview of what will be coming in the next year in IV this is the place.
PS- This is not even considering the fact that my co-Small Group Coordinator is as opinionated as me, more of a visionary than me, with a stronger personality than me. The SGLs are in for an interesting year.
I can't wait!
But here is what I am planning to do this break:
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of each position of Vision Team
- Define the responsibilities, authority, role and of Small Group Leaders
- Figure out how to keep all these people accountable for their positions
- Figure out how to increase communication between the Vision Team and the Chapter
- Figure out how to increase communication in general
- Define the vision for the InterVarsity Chapter at Virginia Tech (err... my vision :) )
- Develop a plan to fix Small Groups at Virginia Tech
- Develop a plan for a sustainable Chapter at Virginia Tech
- Figure out who I am, and who I want to be
- Figure out what happened this semester (I like to evaluate my semesters)
I recently was reading (still am actually) a book about men in the church. And he said something I believe to be true that "Men need vision - not just relationships to stay motivated in church." Now I am not trying to get into the whole argument of is IV the church or not, but I look around and I see almost every other chapter in our region being almost all girls. And In IV at VT we have been praying for women for years and we are finally about 50/50. The only problem... it is both from an increase in women and a decrease in men, at the same time. We have had several visions floating around in the last year or so, for the first time we are trying to have a vision for the chapter, but I do not feel that we have focused on one or a few such that the chapter knows the vision. We have not been communicating with the chapter well. I want to fix that. Or try. So I have huge aspirations for this break, we shall see what happens. I have a goal, I can only set it up over break, but I have been given another year on vision team to start to make it happen. God put IV on the campus of Virginia Tech for a reason, for a long time, arguably still, that reason has been for ourselves. Our growth, our community, our enjoyment, and IV is all of those things. But it is also a place for us to learn how to develop a vision, where the leaders can help provide the resources and authority to make the vision happen. A place where people can learn how to love and care for people well, how to interact with people well. And finally and most importantly a community that exists to share the gospel with those who have not heard it, or need to hear it again, or in a different way.
That is what is on my mind. I hope to blog more over break, so if you want a preview of what will be coming in the next year in IV this is the place.
PS- This is not even considering the fact that my co-Small Group Coordinator is as opinionated as me, more of a visionary than me, with a stronger personality than me. The SGLs are in for an interesting year.
I can't wait!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
It has been a while
I have not blogged in two months. I have been busy, and I honestly forgot. I mean some people bugged me about it but I would forget soon after. I guess what is on my mind today is the main subject of discussion between me and God in the last 2 years (and a little back story). I need to stop being afraid.
Middle School:
I don't remember much because I learned early on how to and that it was good to block out my past if it hurt. What I do remember is, I had only a few friends, but I was not invited to do much with my friends. I was the fat kid and was harassed accordingly, I could have prolly had some of the kids arrested if I had wanted to at the time. I was/ am just very passive. One of my close friends even completely turned his back on me towards the end of middle school. We still have never reconciled, but I have not seen him in years. Basically I have forgotten much of the goodness of middle school and just remember pain and suffering, I remember it as Hell.
High School:
I am finding I am starting to block out high school too, not sure why oh well. I had many more friends, a few girlfriends, and a group of people (Marching Band). I did not get along with people in my program well, besides being able to be in class and be nice and such, but none of us were ever really close. My close friends were in Marching Band. High school was like a breath of fresh air compared to the Hell of middle school. But I lived 30 min away from my HS and friends, so I did not do much outside of school with them. In fact the first party or anything I was invited to (besides to hang out with my girlfriends), to my memory was my senior year. I learned on some level, or interpreted even if this was not the intention of my friends at the time that I was nice to have around if I was there, but not necessary. That I could be with them or not and they would be just as happy. To those of you from high school I am still friends with please do not take this as an insult or anything, it is just what my mind did to my perception, or Satan, depending on how you see it.
Spring 2006:
IV at Virginia Tech went to New York City on an Urban Plunge. It is a week version of a longer Summer program with IV. The idea is to help students see what is happening in the city and to hopefully get them interested in the work happening there and/or getting involved where they live. But I could not get past my own self. I was afraid to mention God to a guy I was talking to in a homeless shelter in a church. I found I had no confidence in myself. I felt that I was disposable to my friends. That they didn't care about me. I felt like I could walk away from IV and my friends and not be missed. Talking to a close friend not on the trip on the phone and having a talk with a few guys in my room one night started helping me see the faults in this belief. One said "Allen, how can we trust you if you don't trust us?" That helped me start to realize i was not trusting my friends, because I love to care for people but I didn't realize I was not trusting them. I thought it was just a self-worth issue, and it is, but it was a combination of learning not to trust people and the lack of self-worth. I didn't realize I was devaluing my friends as I was living in a devalued view of myself.
Those friends that talked to me on that trip have helped me so much with this as you will see, many of them are the same through the whole story. I am not using names in case I mention something on accident they would not want known, or so I don't forget a name.
Fall 2006:
I was mad at so many people that had told me that "you can't control the heart." So I set out to prove them wrong. I decided I would not allow myself to like anyone for a semester. Big mistake. This is cutting a long story very short but I learned that if you are spending time getting to know girls (or anyone of the opposite gender, for you ladies reading) you will start to like them. The trick is not to keep yourself from liking people it is to learn how to deal with it so you can live in relationship with people. You need to learn how to love and care for people well regardless of how you or they feel. You need to learn how to deal with you liking people and others liking you. Once you learn to do that you can enjoy life much more. I learned a lot that semester, but it was at the expense of my relationships with my sisters (in Christ). I do apologize to them for that.
Spring 2007:
I went to the spring break version of GUPY. It was fairly relaxing for a spring break trip. We got to work with several organizations in the area. But again I could not get past what I was learning about myself. We talked about identity. I started to realize that I knew about God's love, but I was not feeling it in my life. My view of myself from the past has kept me from accepting it. I decided to go to the Summer version of GUPY. I wanted to do something different, and I wanted to learn more about my identity in Christ and what I could/ should do with it.
During that semester at school I began to become completely convinced in the power of love. In Matthew it says:
1. Your family, usually hard for college students, realizing they love you and more importantly that God loves them when they are irrational, or that he loves you when you are dishonoring to them. (I know that it is usually a combination of the two)
2. That person in your class that lives the lifestyle you just don't like (sex, drinking, sexual orientation, religion, etc.). You could be mad and hate them, but remember GOD LOVES THEM. I mean how can you hate them if God loves them. Frustrated maybe, but hate?? No.
3. That girl or guy you like but rejects you (either for good reasons or crappy ones, actually especially when it is a crappy reason). God loves them, your goal in pursuing that relationship should have that be the first and foremost thing in your mind. I know the desire to date someone, many of my friends (both male and female) can confirm that, but that is the joy of what we get to do as God's children, to love people. If you love them as your brother or sister regardless of your interest in them the awkwardness will not happen, or not as much. People are so afraid sometimes to face or risk rejection, but if you both love each other because you are in Christ, it will work out.
4. That girl or guy that likes you and you just can't seem to get the message to them that you don't like them. See reasoning above. God loves you both, remember that. Not that you should date them because of that, but you should not shun or hate them either.
5. That friend that you love but seems to keep doing stuff you see/ know to be stupid and harmful. Again, GOD STILL LOVES THEM. And we need, no we get to love them still. It might hurt sometimes, but God loves them.
There are so many more examples, but I think I got the point across.
Another part of that verse I want to point out is the second command, love your neighbor as yourself. IT IS A COMPARISON!!!!! We are not to love ourselves over our neighbors but also we are not to love our neighbors over ourselves. This means we need to learn to say no sometimes. We need to learn when we need to get away, when we need council, when we need to be cared for. But at the same time we need to learn when our needs can be put on hold, when we want and/or need time away, but someone else needs us more. I have not mastered this by any means, but it is a journey (don't stop believing... I know a few of you thought that :)) we all need to start.
The 16th is an issue I cannot even begin to get into in this post, I mean it is going to be long enough already. But the effect most important to this post is that it broke down my ability to control my thoughts and emotions. That really freed me to be open to what I would learn this summer. Also I have a lot of friends who stood by me, friends who smoked cigars (yes I occasionally smoke cigars... but that week I smoked more than I ever have, I just didn't care), talked, played wii til late in the night, and just helped me feel like I had worth and a purpose in a time that was so confusing and hard.
A short blurb about Rockbridge too. I enjoyed being there and relaxing away from everything, I was lucky and not asked about the 16th much at all. But one huge thing that happened in my life is that several of my friends, I am closer to one or two more than others, all seemed to be having a rough week. They were caring for each other well, and at the time I had no idea what was up (I still only have a vague idea about all that went on). All I could see is that they were not their normal selves. I wanted so badly to be there for them, but I had no clue how to help. I felt helpless. My friends were obviously hurting, and for the first time in a long time I could not get to them, and even if I could I was not sure if I would know what to say or do. So I just prayed a lot. Then one night one of the leaders that could not attend Rockbridge showed up. She is awesome with the women she is around. She just cares for them well. Then she told me she felt like she needed to come, then got a call from someone at Rockbridge asking her to come right as she was just starting to be on her way. I tell this story because I was SOOOOO worried and confused about what I should do, I hated that I was doing nothing. And God took care of it. He knew who needed to be where and he worked it out. One friend I felt I had failed that week even told me they felt very cared for, that my presence was known. That was cool, seriously, I was feeling useless and God took care of it in ways I can still not explain.
Summer 2007:
So I went to summer GUPY. There is so much I could say about that. But on the topic of my growth I began to notice something important. I could not feel God's love because I did not love myself. God was sending his love my way, but I could not handle it. I had not basis for how to accept it. And considering that my goal and joy is caring and loving others, HOW WAS I PASSING ON GOD'S LOVE???? How was I able to care for people when I didn't care about myself? God is good because apparently I was. But I know that the love I can pass on is so much greater if I can accept God's love and pass that on. A situation I described in my first Blog illustrated the importance I place on my identities. I felt I was failing them by inaction or past actions/ mistakes. When God just wants us to live in our identity as his child. If you live as a child of God you have to understand his love and love him. Then you learn to love others as either his children or people created in his image who he desperately wants to be his child. People could not speak worth or love into my life because I did not love or accept myself so their words did not mean anything to me. If I saw myself as worthless or not a man or not helpful, and someone told me I was then I would have to pick one as a lie. When you are introspective and think you know yourself you just think that they don't know all you do, rather than considering that God has revealed something to them you have ignored.
Something else I began to learn and am still working on is speaking up. God give people experiences, thoughts, and directly inspired words to share with people. And I also believe in silence and not talking at times either so others can talk or because they need to see things themselves, or because some things do not need to be said at certain times. But I am also prone to holding back at times I need to speak. Sometimes that is calling out people when they are doing something wrong, sometimes that is just saying hey, and sometimes it is having the guts to tell someone how you feel about them (both attraction to someone, but more often valuing them as a friend or telling them how God has been using them to bless me). I have avoided most of those in the past. I realized that not speaking those things was hurting me. I saw that I was not doing those things and that each time I held back due to fear it was hurting my view of myself as a man and a brother to the people around me. I felt I was not living up to being a leader (Small Group Leader or Vision Team Member) or just living up to my desire/ ideal of who I see myself becoming in Christ. So with the increased damage to my self esteem based on my identity (both God based and my own) my fear became stronger. Each time I would hold back i would be more likely to next time. But speaking up has the exact opposite affect. When I do it I feel freedom, strength, peace. But not only that people need to know what I, and you, have to say. God has given us each different points of view. He lets us see him in others that they might, and likely don't see in themselves. Also we see parts of God other miss, so we can help each other see the big picture of what God is up to. By being silent not only was I hurting myself but I was not sharing who God has made me to be and the part of God I reflect with others. God puts us in relationship with each other for the reason that we need it for sooo many reasons. And I was not just hurting myself with my silence. God wants to use me and you in the lives of those around you, you just have to be willing to be used, to speak, to be yourself. To stop hiding behind false personalities, false identities, and silence, to start living out our true identity in Christ.
We went to Mexico for ten days. That was really hard on me. I know a lot of people were gone for a lot longer than me but it doesn't take long to experience culture shock. I began to feel alot of anxiety once we got on the plane Mexico in Detroit. Once we got there I found myself afraid of the water, afraid of the police, frustrated with the language situation, in a double bed with a guy about my size (talk about tight), and just this feeling of dread. So much of it was illogical and prolly meant to harm me and keep me from being effective, but whatever. I could not sleep for the first 4 or so days, I got like 4 hours of sleep a night, and if you know me I need a lot of sleep. By the second day I was mad, thinking negatively and tired. We met in the morning and the question was "how are you?" My response was that I had not been sleeping well, I felt like I had not emotional support like the rest of the team that had girlfriends, boyfriends, soon-to-be boy or girl friends, and other friends who had emailed, called, or contacted them before the trip. I felt worthless, because I saw where my mind was, and I knew where it was leading and that my effectiveness was going to become zero very soon, and I was in Mexico to serve not to break down!!!!!! So Marshall (the leader of GUPY) asked if we could talk later. We had a two hour conversation after Church that night, it went so late the pastor left and came back for us. I basically had nothing left, no emotion control, not thought control, minimal inhibitions about topic of conversation. I basically completely unloaded on Marshall. I told him just about everything in my life, all the crap I had done or had happened to me that was on my mind. I don't think I held anything back. Marshall's prayer for me that night was amazing. He prayed that I would feel God's love for me, among other things. That was huge. That had been my prayer for all my friends for the last 6 months or so, as I alluded to earlier. I don't cry, you might not know that, but I had like 2 tears when he said that, that is a pretty big deal for me. He said one other thing in his prayer. That I would feel freedom in my relationships. Freedom from the fear of hurting people, so I could actually live in my relationships and not live in my constant fear of hurting people such that I do not take the risk to actually be in relationship with them, to enjoy them and to be open with them. I might have gotten ahead of myself a bit, because this prayer has been critical to a lot of my growth and understanding of relationships. Being in close relationship requires risk, and the willingness to step into that. A relationship will die if one of two things happens, no risk is taken, or risk is taken recklessly. Learning to take risk well is what is required for a growing and deepening relationship.
Fall 2007:
Coming back to VT after the summer was hard. So much had changed. Dorm's were locked, and my friends had new schedules. I described this in an earlier blog. I have been trying to figure out how to apply all I have learned. So much of this semester is still to fresh to describe here, but I have finally started making an effort to tell people what I think and how I feel about them. I have tried to tell people the work and gifts of God in them. I have tried to tell people how I feel about our relationship, what they mean to me, and how much I care about them. I am far from where I want to be, I discount my views often. Something that a few friends have pointed out to me on several occasions, for that I am grateful. But I have felt so much freedom from in my willingness to say and do what I have started to do. I hope this lengthy post helps you understand me more, and hopefully see where your life is like mine and hopefully you can start to see the freedom in learning when to ignore fear and live.
Closing:
Please post asking for clarification if needed (sometimes I leave out details when I write due to how I think), but please do not name names in any of these stories because I left them out for a reason, thanks. And if I did not do a good enough job making the storied more general please let me know. Thanks for bearing with me. God bless.
Middle School:
I don't remember much because I learned early on how to and that it was good to block out my past if it hurt. What I do remember is, I had only a few friends, but I was not invited to do much with my friends. I was the fat kid and was harassed accordingly, I could have prolly had some of the kids arrested if I had wanted to at the time. I was/ am just very passive. One of my close friends even completely turned his back on me towards the end of middle school. We still have never reconciled, but I have not seen him in years. Basically I have forgotten much of the goodness of middle school and just remember pain and suffering, I remember it as Hell.
High School:
I am finding I am starting to block out high school too, not sure why oh well. I had many more friends, a few girlfriends, and a group of people (Marching Band). I did not get along with people in my program well, besides being able to be in class and be nice and such, but none of us were ever really close. My close friends were in Marching Band. High school was like a breath of fresh air compared to the Hell of middle school. But I lived 30 min away from my HS and friends, so I did not do much outside of school with them. In fact the first party or anything I was invited to (besides to hang out with my girlfriends), to my memory was my senior year. I learned on some level, or interpreted even if this was not the intention of my friends at the time that I was nice to have around if I was there, but not necessary. That I could be with them or not and they would be just as happy. To those of you from high school I am still friends with please do not take this as an insult or anything, it is just what my mind did to my perception, or Satan, depending on how you see it.
Spring 2006:
IV at Virginia Tech went to New York City on an Urban Plunge. It is a week version of a longer Summer program with IV. The idea is to help students see what is happening in the city and to hopefully get them interested in the work happening there and/or getting involved where they live. But I could not get past my own self. I was afraid to mention God to a guy I was talking to in a homeless shelter in a church. I found I had no confidence in myself. I felt that I was disposable to my friends. That they didn't care about me. I felt like I could walk away from IV and my friends and not be missed. Talking to a close friend not on the trip on the phone and having a talk with a few guys in my room one night started helping me see the faults in this belief. One said "Allen, how can we trust you if you don't trust us?" That helped me start to realize i was not trusting my friends, because I love to care for people but I didn't realize I was not trusting them. I thought it was just a self-worth issue, and it is, but it was a combination of learning not to trust people and the lack of self-worth. I didn't realize I was devaluing my friends as I was living in a devalued view of myself.
Those friends that talked to me on that trip have helped me so much with this as you will see, many of them are the same through the whole story. I am not using names in case I mention something on accident they would not want known, or so I don't forget a name.
Fall 2006:
I was mad at so many people that had told me that "you can't control the heart." So I set out to prove them wrong. I decided I would not allow myself to like anyone for a semester. Big mistake. This is cutting a long story very short but I learned that if you are spending time getting to know girls (or anyone of the opposite gender, for you ladies reading) you will start to like them. The trick is not to keep yourself from liking people it is to learn how to deal with it so you can live in relationship with people. You need to learn how to love and care for people well regardless of how you or they feel. You need to learn how to deal with you liking people and others liking you. Once you learn to do that you can enjoy life much more. I learned a lot that semester, but it was at the expense of my relationships with my sisters (in Christ). I do apologize to them for that.
Spring 2007:
I went to the spring break version of GUPY. It was fairly relaxing for a spring break trip. We got to work with several organizations in the area. But again I could not get past what I was learning about myself. We talked about identity. I started to realize that I knew about God's love, but I was not feeling it in my life. My view of myself from the past has kept me from accepting it. I decided to go to the Summer version of GUPY. I wanted to do something different, and I wanted to learn more about my identity in Christ and what I could/ should do with it.
During that semester at school I began to become completely convinced in the power of love. In Matthew it says:
Matthew 22:37-40I really started to believe that. The last verse is the most important here. "ALL the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (emphasis mine), the rest of the 10 commandments, the rest of the law, everything the prophets said, EVERYTHING. My prayer for my friends that semester and since then has usually been that they would feel God's love for them more so than that any specific outcome would happen. I mean look at these situations and how loving the other person and loving God makes them so much easier:
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
1. Your family, usually hard for college students, realizing they love you and more importantly that God loves them when they are irrational, or that he loves you when you are dishonoring to them. (I know that it is usually a combination of the two)
2. That person in your class that lives the lifestyle you just don't like (sex, drinking, sexual orientation, religion, etc.). You could be mad and hate them, but remember GOD LOVES THEM. I mean how can you hate them if God loves them. Frustrated maybe, but hate?? No.
3. That girl or guy you like but rejects you (either for good reasons or crappy ones, actually especially when it is a crappy reason). God loves them, your goal in pursuing that relationship should have that be the first and foremost thing in your mind. I know the desire to date someone, many of my friends (both male and female) can confirm that, but that is the joy of what we get to do as God's children, to love people. If you love them as your brother or sister regardless of your interest in them the awkwardness will not happen, or not as much. People are so afraid sometimes to face or risk rejection, but if you both love each other because you are in Christ, it will work out.
4. That girl or guy that likes you and you just can't seem to get the message to them that you don't like them. See reasoning above. God loves you both, remember that. Not that you should date them because of that, but you should not shun or hate them either.
5. That friend that you love but seems to keep doing stuff you see/ know to be stupid and harmful. Again, GOD STILL LOVES THEM. And we need, no we get to love them still. It might hurt sometimes, but God loves them.
There are so many more examples, but I think I got the point across.
Another part of that verse I want to point out is the second command, love your neighbor as yourself. IT IS A COMPARISON!!!!! We are not to love ourselves over our neighbors but also we are not to love our neighbors over ourselves. This means we need to learn to say no sometimes. We need to learn when we need to get away, when we need council, when we need to be cared for. But at the same time we need to learn when our needs can be put on hold, when we want and/or need time away, but someone else needs us more. I have not mastered this by any means, but it is a journey (don't stop believing... I know a few of you thought that :)) we all need to start.
The 16th is an issue I cannot even begin to get into in this post, I mean it is going to be long enough already. But the effect most important to this post is that it broke down my ability to control my thoughts and emotions. That really freed me to be open to what I would learn this summer. Also I have a lot of friends who stood by me, friends who smoked cigars (yes I occasionally smoke cigars... but that week I smoked more than I ever have, I just didn't care), talked, played wii til late in the night, and just helped me feel like I had worth and a purpose in a time that was so confusing and hard.
A short blurb about Rockbridge too. I enjoyed being there and relaxing away from everything, I was lucky and not asked about the 16th much at all. But one huge thing that happened in my life is that several of my friends, I am closer to one or two more than others, all seemed to be having a rough week. They were caring for each other well, and at the time I had no idea what was up (I still only have a vague idea about all that went on). All I could see is that they were not their normal selves. I wanted so badly to be there for them, but I had no clue how to help. I felt helpless. My friends were obviously hurting, and for the first time in a long time I could not get to them, and even if I could I was not sure if I would know what to say or do. So I just prayed a lot. Then one night one of the leaders that could not attend Rockbridge showed up. She is awesome with the women she is around. She just cares for them well. Then she told me she felt like she needed to come, then got a call from someone at Rockbridge asking her to come right as she was just starting to be on her way. I tell this story because I was SOOOOO worried and confused about what I should do, I hated that I was doing nothing. And God took care of it. He knew who needed to be where and he worked it out. One friend I felt I had failed that week even told me they felt very cared for, that my presence was known. That was cool, seriously, I was feeling useless and God took care of it in ways I can still not explain.
Summer 2007:
So I went to summer GUPY. There is so much I could say about that. But on the topic of my growth I began to notice something important. I could not feel God's love because I did not love myself. God was sending his love my way, but I could not handle it. I had not basis for how to accept it. And considering that my goal and joy is caring and loving others, HOW WAS I PASSING ON GOD'S LOVE???? How was I able to care for people when I didn't care about myself? God is good because apparently I was. But I know that the love I can pass on is so much greater if I can accept God's love and pass that on. A situation I described in my first Blog illustrated the importance I place on my identities. I felt I was failing them by inaction or past actions/ mistakes. When God just wants us to live in our identity as his child. If you live as a child of God you have to understand his love and love him. Then you learn to love others as either his children or people created in his image who he desperately wants to be his child. People could not speak worth or love into my life because I did not love or accept myself so their words did not mean anything to me. If I saw myself as worthless or not a man or not helpful, and someone told me I was then I would have to pick one as a lie. When you are introspective and think you know yourself you just think that they don't know all you do, rather than considering that God has revealed something to them you have ignored.
Something else I began to learn and am still working on is speaking up. God give people experiences, thoughts, and directly inspired words to share with people. And I also believe in silence and not talking at times either so others can talk or because they need to see things themselves, or because some things do not need to be said at certain times. But I am also prone to holding back at times I need to speak. Sometimes that is calling out people when they are doing something wrong, sometimes that is just saying hey, and sometimes it is having the guts to tell someone how you feel about them (both attraction to someone, but more often valuing them as a friend or telling them how God has been using them to bless me). I have avoided most of those in the past. I realized that not speaking those things was hurting me. I saw that I was not doing those things and that each time I held back due to fear it was hurting my view of myself as a man and a brother to the people around me. I felt I was not living up to being a leader (Small Group Leader or Vision Team Member) or just living up to my desire/ ideal of who I see myself becoming in Christ. So with the increased damage to my self esteem based on my identity (both God based and my own) my fear became stronger. Each time I would hold back i would be more likely to next time. But speaking up has the exact opposite affect. When I do it I feel freedom, strength, peace. But not only that people need to know what I, and you, have to say. God has given us each different points of view. He lets us see him in others that they might, and likely don't see in themselves. Also we see parts of God other miss, so we can help each other see the big picture of what God is up to. By being silent not only was I hurting myself but I was not sharing who God has made me to be and the part of God I reflect with others. God puts us in relationship with each other for the reason that we need it for sooo many reasons. And I was not just hurting myself with my silence. God wants to use me and you in the lives of those around you, you just have to be willing to be used, to speak, to be yourself. To stop hiding behind false personalities, false identities, and silence, to start living out our true identity in Christ.
We went to Mexico for ten days. That was really hard on me. I know a lot of people were gone for a lot longer than me but it doesn't take long to experience culture shock. I began to feel alot of anxiety once we got on the plane Mexico in Detroit. Once we got there I found myself afraid of the water, afraid of the police, frustrated with the language situation, in a double bed with a guy about my size (talk about tight), and just this feeling of dread. So much of it was illogical and prolly meant to harm me and keep me from being effective, but whatever. I could not sleep for the first 4 or so days, I got like 4 hours of sleep a night, and if you know me I need a lot of sleep. By the second day I was mad, thinking negatively and tired. We met in the morning and the question was "how are you?" My response was that I had not been sleeping well, I felt like I had not emotional support like the rest of the team that had girlfriends, boyfriends, soon-to-be boy or girl friends, and other friends who had emailed, called, or contacted them before the trip. I felt worthless, because I saw where my mind was, and I knew where it was leading and that my effectiveness was going to become zero very soon, and I was in Mexico to serve not to break down!!!!!! So Marshall (the leader of GUPY) asked if we could talk later. We had a two hour conversation after Church that night, it went so late the pastor left and came back for us. I basically had nothing left, no emotion control, not thought control, minimal inhibitions about topic of conversation. I basically completely unloaded on Marshall. I told him just about everything in my life, all the crap I had done or had happened to me that was on my mind. I don't think I held anything back. Marshall's prayer for me that night was amazing. He prayed that I would feel God's love for me, among other things. That was huge. That had been my prayer for all my friends for the last 6 months or so, as I alluded to earlier. I don't cry, you might not know that, but I had like 2 tears when he said that, that is a pretty big deal for me. He said one other thing in his prayer. That I would feel freedom in my relationships. Freedom from the fear of hurting people, so I could actually live in my relationships and not live in my constant fear of hurting people such that I do not take the risk to actually be in relationship with them, to enjoy them and to be open with them. I might have gotten ahead of myself a bit, because this prayer has been critical to a lot of my growth and understanding of relationships. Being in close relationship requires risk, and the willingness to step into that. A relationship will die if one of two things happens, no risk is taken, or risk is taken recklessly. Learning to take risk well is what is required for a growing and deepening relationship.
Fall 2007:
Coming back to VT after the summer was hard. So much had changed. Dorm's were locked, and my friends had new schedules. I described this in an earlier blog. I have been trying to figure out how to apply all I have learned. So much of this semester is still to fresh to describe here, but I have finally started making an effort to tell people what I think and how I feel about them. I have tried to tell people the work and gifts of God in them. I have tried to tell people how I feel about our relationship, what they mean to me, and how much I care about them. I am far from where I want to be, I discount my views often. Something that a few friends have pointed out to me on several occasions, for that I am grateful. But I have felt so much freedom from in my willingness to say and do what I have started to do. I hope this lengthy post helps you understand me more, and hopefully see where your life is like mine and hopefully you can start to see the freedom in learning when to ignore fear and live.
Closing:
Please post asking for clarification if needed (sometimes I leave out details when I write due to how I think), but please do not name names in any of these stories because I left them out for a reason, thanks. And if I did not do a good enough job making the storied more general please let me know. Thanks for bearing with me. God bless.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I am not sure what the title of this should be
So being back at Blacksburg has been good. It has been good to be back with the people here. But it has not been the amazing instant change I had hoped though.
Changes:
There have been so many changes. I like change but so much so quickly is hard. The dorms are locked down. People have moved dorms and/or off campus. Friends have different schedules. My schedule is changing and after two weeks is not set. I was appointed by my department to a committee. I am doing senior design that will take a lot of time. All of these are things (well except the committee thing) are things that have happened before or I expected to happen. But it is hard to adjust to all that then learn how to live the way I want to, a life without fear. In some ways it is better. I don't have as many old patterns to fall into, but I finding myself rather mentally drained.
Positives:
I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my roommate, the SGLs, and my friends. I have had chances to share about GUPY. I have been able to get to know freshmen and some of the people on my hall. It has been a great few weeks. Jeremy and I have been sharing what we learned with the leaders of IV and others. I have not had time to find where I can find a place to serve the community, but that will come with time.
One thing that has been amazing is seeing that what God teaches us is not always only for us. The things I was learning at GUPY about my relationships with people and with God have been directly applicable to many peoples lives. It is interesting how we can think that we are the only person with a struggle. In fact each person has told me that they felt they were as well. But It seems so many people fear rejection, fear they are not worth peoples time, and fear that though they will fight for a relationship others won't. It is crazy how that works. It has been so cool to have conversations and just be talking about what God has been teaching me and have the person be effected by it.
Another amazing thing is another instance of God using you when you feel inadequate. I usually end conversations and feel like I have not communicated well and that I have not shown the love God has for them well. But I was talking with a friend recently who was talking about how they wanted to be like several people who they feel care about people and communicate that care and love well. I was surprised to be in that group. I just keep finding more and more instances where God seems to use people the most when they feel most inadequate. I do not out this here to brag, I just cannot get over how quick we are to judge ourselves worthless or not as good as we are. And there is always room for improvement, there have been several instances recently that I wish had gone better. But God seems to use willingness more than confidence.
That is all for now.
Changes:
There have been so many changes. I like change but so much so quickly is hard. The dorms are locked down. People have moved dorms and/or off campus. Friends have different schedules. My schedule is changing and after two weeks is not set. I was appointed by my department to a committee. I am doing senior design that will take a lot of time. All of these are things (well except the committee thing) are things that have happened before or I expected to happen. But it is hard to adjust to all that then learn how to live the way I want to, a life without fear. In some ways it is better. I don't have as many old patterns to fall into, but I finding myself rather mentally drained.
Positives:
I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my roommate, the SGLs, and my friends. I have had chances to share about GUPY. I have been able to get to know freshmen and some of the people on my hall. It has been a great few weeks. Jeremy and I have been sharing what we learned with the leaders of IV and others. I have not had time to find where I can find a place to serve the community, but that will come with time.
One thing that has been amazing is seeing that what God teaches us is not always only for us. The things I was learning at GUPY about my relationships with people and with God have been directly applicable to many peoples lives. It is interesting how we can think that we are the only person with a struggle. In fact each person has told me that they felt they were as well. But It seems so many people fear rejection, fear they are not worth peoples time, and fear that though they will fight for a relationship others won't. It is crazy how that works. It has been so cool to have conversations and just be talking about what God has been teaching me and have the person be effected by it.
Another amazing thing is another instance of God using you when you feel inadequate. I usually end conversations and feel like I have not communicated well and that I have not shown the love God has for them well. But I was talking with a friend recently who was talking about how they wanted to be like several people who they feel care about people and communicate that care and love well. I was surprised to be in that group. I just keep finding more and more instances where God seems to use people the most when they feel most inadequate. I do not out this here to brag, I just cannot get over how quick we are to judge ourselves worthless or not as good as we are. And there is always room for improvement, there have been several instances recently that I wish had gone better. But God seems to use willingness more than confidence.
That is all for now.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
LAG (Life after GUPY)
So I am pretty sure I coined that acronym. But I am finding we are all having it. I went from a place where I was spending every waking moment with 9 others that were seeking God and learning in a similar manor. We had inside jokes, I have recently found that my sense of humor changed to favor the personalities and jokes of the group. We quickly began to care for and understand one another. We all have responsibilities and other people we have gotten close to over years rather than weeks. Some of us had significant others to get back to and most had responsibilities with our chapters at our schools, not to mention school and/or work. But for some reason I and the rest of us feel like crap. Part of it is of course losing the closeness we had in our relationships, we won't see each other nearly as much. Also I know for me and a few others this week or so between GUPY and school I am at my parent's house. I love my family, but it has not been home since freshman year. So I have gone from a place where God was growing me and others quickly, a place where I felt at home quickly, to a place where I do not really feel at home where I am not growing as quickly. I think I will start to do better once at VT. Once I can begin to start to live as I am used to again. Where I can start to apply what I have learned. I think this week in between is good, because I think we would kill ourselves if we started NSO (New Student Outreach) and school right after. But that doesn't make it much easier. It doesn't help the feelings of being alone, even though as I write this my family is in the room. Though I have been doing a lot today to get ready to go back so I am feeling more apart of things than I did yesterday. I can't wait to get back the Blacksburg, only six days left!!!
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