Last weekend was crazy. I spent over 14 hours in a car that weekend. But it was a great choice. I got to talk with Jeremy for a while on the way to and from VA. While in our pit stop in Greensboro; Jeremy, Dan and myself had a great conversation as discussed by Jeremy in his post on this topic.
The next day I got to have a lot of great conversations and just hang out time with Jeremy, Dan, Catherine, and Jenny; and got to see Drew, Erin, and Kathryn a little though due to other obligations not as much time with those three, Oh and of course Marshall and Diane it was awesome to get to see them too!! I feel like the time we got to spend with the GUPY 07 crew was a needed breath of fresh air for all of us. And I know that for Jeremy, Jenny, and myself it was especially encouraging.
But the ceremony simply blew me away. If you are reading this and I attended your wedding in the past this is nothing against you, this is a testament to where I am and to the substantially different feel this ceremony had. BUT... WOW!!! Usually I enjoy myself but leave feeling sadness that I don't have that deep relationship, or even a relationship that I can invest in that is deepening (I have many close friends, and several are awesome women of God, but at least at this point they are all about as deep as they will ever be, which is still a blessing but not the same... ya know?). I leave looking out the window asking God why it can't be me. Many ceremonies I felt out of place wanting to take a few photos... I was not even close to the only one at this wedding. Sometimes I have felt like I am not close enough to the couple to be there, like I am sneaking in with their "group" of friends but not being one myself. This one is majorly my perception in the past, and I should if I felt that before feel it now... after all I only spent 2 months with the bride one summer... but I felt like I belonged there that day celebrating with the family and friends. And that was what it was! The groomsmen came down the isle to a sweet sounding tune, the brides maids were dancing down the isle, and the bride had a smile on her face as big as I have ever seen (And if you don't know her... this girl can SMILE). There was a gospel choir that sang a few times... once right in the middle of the exchanging of the vows (not exactly but not sure how to explain it) and the bride was clapping her hands and praising God with the rest of the people there.
It was truly a celebration of God and of this couple. Elements of tradition but it screamed of their personality (I don't know him so on that part I am inferring). I feel like the couple got to spend time with everyone... she spent time with the IV Wilmington crew, dragged Jenny on the dance floor, fussed at me for taking more pics than dancing, enjoyed dancing and being with her new husband. It wasn't rigid, it didn't feel like the family (or friends but the family is more famous for it) were pushing their wants on the couple... it felt like what it should be... a celebration of God and his goodness and of their relationship and new commitment and new life together.
On the way back we were talking and mentioned things we were giving up for God and how some people see those things we (that group talking) were giving up freely in love and trust of God as God holding out on them, one of the things mentioned was a "relationship worth investing in." But as it was said, as I agreed (nothing against the women in my life but God just hasn't given me a relationship like that yet), as we discussed that and other topics on our ride back, for me and I think for the other 3 in the car there was an element of joy, excitement, and peace about that... something I have never felt after a wedding before.
The longing is still there, I feel like that is healthy, good, and expected in a single 20-something. But I feel I experienced a taste of God's providence in that wedding. I feel like I was seeing and celebrating God giving that couple the very thing I have desired so long... I mean all my life since girls stopped being gross :). Like God was reminding me "Yes I am good... remember. And yes I do have a plan, a plan that you will experience this one day and not just observe or experience as a friend of those who are, just trust me until then."
Thank you God for reminding me in a way I could see and feel that you are good... and that you have a plan for me more awesome than I can imagine. That you know the desires of my heart and are not ignoring them.
And thank you Kathryn and Chris, for letting your love and your personalities shine through in your wedding, and for having praise and thanks to God being an integral part.
And thank you GUPY 07 (this includes Marshall) for loving me and helping me to better understand each day the love God has for me. For encouraging me, and letting me ramble... often :)
*and yes I got a little link happy*
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Too Busy
So I have a 8-5 job now, and on top of that I am trying to get EMT CEUs, clean my room, and a whole page of other tasks. I have been pushing myself really hard to get this all done soon, I am tired and just kinda overwhelmed at times... but today for the first time in a week or so I sat down (well laid down) and had a quiet time.
I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.
Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.
Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.
God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.
I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.
Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.
Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.
God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.
Monday, May 19, 2008
My Name is "Desirable"??
So Marshall Benbow spoke at VT a few weeks ago. His talk was awesome as always and then, since it was our joint large group with CCF (a Korean American Campus Ministry that meets right next to us that we have developed a relationship with), their speaker got up and scrapped his talk to elaborate on what Marshall said, read Marshall's post for some more details. But at the end of Marshall's talk he challenged us to ask God what our name is. The name that He gives us not the names we give ourselves. The name that came to my mind as I prayed was "Desirable" and I didn't tell anyone. I am sad to say my initial though was "Hmmm... that sounds like a girls name." But as the name sunk in that night and over the next few weeks I feel that it is my name. I thought of the names I have given myself:
Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.
Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.
Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.
Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).
After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.
Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...
BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.
Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.
Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.
Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.
Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.
Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).
After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.
Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...
BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.
Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.
Saying Good Bye
So the last few weeks have been really hard. I mean the end of each year is hard, leaving friends for a few months and having to readjust to being under your parents roof again. But this time is harder. This time I have been at VT for 4 years. This time I should be leaving too.
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
One Year Later
One year later and so much has not changed. I read my journal, same basic thoughts, pains, desires, and questions. Has anything happened this year? What has God been up to?
Right there is the problem. The emotions of hopelessness and loneliness that come with events like this can so overwhelm all that has happened.
- Deepened Friendships
- Met brothers and sisters in Mexico
- Met and grew with 9 other awesome students in Greensboro, NC
- 3ish non-Christians have begun to call my community their home
- I have been a part of the work of God in many in the last year
- God has sooo much more planned and so much more has happened that just this
But how quickly pain and finding one or two emotions/ desires left seemingly unmet or unresolved and seemingly ignored by our "loving" God can take away from the joy that comes from seeing all that has happened.
God thank you for your redemptive work in our lives and this world. Please help me to focus on you and the work that is happening not the things I feel you are not doing. Help me to trust you to care for those.
Life is short it seems, it was not supposed to be this way.
While we morn, thank you God that we have hope in the resurrection of your people and in You.
Right there is the problem. The emotions of hopelessness and loneliness that come with events like this can so overwhelm all that has happened.
- Deepened Friendships
- Met brothers and sisters in Mexico
- Met and grew with 9 other awesome students in Greensboro, NC
- 3ish non-Christians have begun to call my community their home
- I have been a part of the work of God in many in the last year
- God has sooo much more planned and so much more has happened that just this
But how quickly pain and finding one or two emotions/ desires left seemingly unmet or unresolved and seemingly ignored by our "loving" God can take away from the joy that comes from seeing all that has happened.
God thank you for your redemptive work in our lives and this world. Please help me to focus on you and the work that is happening not the things I feel you are not doing. Help me to trust you to care for those.
Life is short it seems, it was not supposed to be this way.
While we morn, thank you God that we have hope in the resurrection of your people and in You.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Thoughts on God from Anime
So I enjoy some Anime. I am very careful which shows I watch cause some are really bad.
So I was intrigued when I was watching the end of a filler arc, meaning a series of episodes that have no purpose in the actual story and is meant to keep the anime viewers busy while the manga (comic book) writer catches up.
Well there was something interesting as I said. There are two characters both trying to reason about life and destiny.
Well I don't know about destiny but I thought their musings applied to God as well
One charater said:
If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all the cogs,
and all we can do is trust that the gear knows where it is going.
She is coming from a place where she trusts the system how things work.
So her approach is that (I am going to replace destiny with God) we are part of the work of God, willingly or unwillingly, and all we can do is trust that he is good and going in a direction we want.
The other character said:
If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all dirt,
that gets ground in between the cogs.
He has seen pain after pain and thinks life and people are out to get him until they earn his trust, he is focused on being able to protect himself and his friends. He has a hard time trusting.
His view is that (again replacing God for Destiny) God is doing work and going somewhere and we just get in the way. When we get in the way we are damaged and hurt to get out of the way and we can't change the direction of God.
I think this parallels how we look at God, we see him as doing what he is doing. We attribute pain to us getting in his way, and at best we think we are being used but not by choice. He is going to use us regardless and there is nothing we can do about it.
But neither is right.
- We KNOW God is good.
- It is our JOY to do his work and work with him
- We KNOW that He is working all things for the good of his people.
How awesome is that. But how easy is it to take one of the perspectives above?
God you are awesome.
So I was intrigued when I was watching the end of a filler arc, meaning a series of episodes that have no purpose in the actual story and is meant to keep the anime viewers busy while the manga (comic book) writer catches up.
Well there was something interesting as I said. There are two characters both trying to reason about life and destiny.
Well I don't know about destiny but I thought their musings applied to God as well
One charater said:
If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all the cogs,
and all we can do is trust that the gear knows where it is going.
She is coming from a place where she trusts the system how things work.
So her approach is that (I am going to replace destiny with God) we are part of the work of God, willingly or unwillingly, and all we can do is trust that he is good and going in a direction we want.
The other character said:
If destiny is like a gear...
then we are all dirt,
that gets ground in between the cogs.
He has seen pain after pain and thinks life and people are out to get him until they earn his trust, he is focused on being able to protect himself and his friends. He has a hard time trusting.
His view is that (again replacing God for Destiny) God is doing work and going somewhere and we just get in the way. When we get in the way we are damaged and hurt to get out of the way and we can't change the direction of God.
I think this parallels how we look at God, we see him as doing what he is doing. We attribute pain to us getting in his way, and at best we think we are being used but not by choice. He is going to use us regardless and there is nothing we can do about it.
But neither is right.
- We KNOW God is good.
- It is our JOY to do his work and work with him
- We KNOW that He is working all things for the good of his people.
How awesome is that. But how easy is it to take one of the perspectives above?
God you are awesome.
Relearning Humility... agian
So the last few weeks have been really hard. Discouragement has been with me for some time and all my energy has been going into trying to avoid falling into it. Another way I have thought of it was as an overstimulating week. But it is amazing how once you sit down with God he begins to make things clear.
So where did this start??
The weekend of Easter I went home. It was an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my parents, grandparents, and brothers. I really have been wanting to work on these relationships as I feel I have been pushing them aside a lot recently and I don't think that is right and I do enjoy the time I get with them. I got to have great conversations with all of them, there is still a lot of work to do in those relationships but that weekend was a positive step.
So why would I use this, as I said, awesome weekend as the start of a rough few weeks. Well, my goal was to grow in these relationships, and I am introverted. So while awesome it took a lot of energy out of me to work on those relationships.
Then I got in a car with a friend of mine for 4 hours. We talked about school, after school, relationships, and how we can follow God better. It was awesome. I love conversations like that, but a little more energy gone.
As we arrived on campus my phone rang. Another friend wanted to get dinner. I was hungry and had not seen him in a while so we went to dinner. We caught up a bit, talked about things we were thinking about. Good conversations as always with him. And at the end he was bugging me about going to Ring Dance. And I had been thinking of asking a friend to go as friends, but I decided the risk of awkwardness was to great, I mean it is me. So I decided not to.
Well, I changed my mind. I called her and asked her, she said she would have to see if she had a dress (it was only 6 days away).
Ok, it is the end of the day. I am ok. I can just sit back and relax. By this point I had no social energy left. I felt exhausted even having done nothing. I was ready to relax and try to be soical tomorrow.
Then one after the other I had two conversations with small group leaders who did not want to come back. I have enormous respect for both of them as leaders and friends. And come on trying to find the balance between pushing people to lead or do something and giving them the space to step back if that is the move they feel they need to make is hard.
But I had no energy for these conversations. I stopped both before we discussed to long for fear that I would say something poorly or something I would regret. I have not had to do that in almost 2 years!
The best way to understand what came next is that I over used my social energy for the day. And my peace in life and unfortunately trust in God is partly a mental discipline. I have learned to push thoughts aside that are not useful and only cause worry. But I lost my ability to do that after the last conversation. Thoughts of "God why aren't you doing this or that?" or "I am going to be on the Leadership team that kills the VT chapter." and "Why arn't I strong enough?" flooded my mind. Mixed in there were cries of "God I know you are in control but I don't feel it." and "God what is going on?"
So I went to bed, as I fell asleep I was shaking a bit.
The next day I felt better but but was still on edge. I was trying to reason what God was doing. Trying to see if I missed something. I was trying to figure out what my friends were thinking, the one I asked to the dance to see if she was feeling awkward about anything, and the small group leaders to see if they were considering changing their minds.
In one breath I would tell God I was trusting him with my friends, my relationship with them and their decisions. And at the same time be trying to read their actions.
Friday we met and went over the Small Group Leader applications. This time of year is always hard, I feel like people's whole years are in my hands. I fear mistakes and I have to repeat over and over my belief that God is guiding me and the others deciding and that he will use and grow his people where we put them, even if we make a mistake. As we prayed and discussed we found we had enough leaders, not as many as we would like maybe, but enough. That was a bit of a relief.
Also my hair was cut in a rather crazy manner and I had been getting attention all day for it. And I was tired of how hard I was trying to understand my friends and control things.
I had dinner with my Co-Small Group Coordinator and her boyfriend. Seeing them interact and hearing her talk about how God had blessed her with that relationship was really encouraging to me. And I just enjoy hanging out with those two anyway. And when I got to 180 I was just done again. And God really blessed me with the worship. I spent some time in prayer seriously giving the chapter, leaders, and my friendships to God. I just wanted to be able to enjoy them and be present in them not trying to analyze and figure them out.
I felt so free for the first few hours, but worry soon returned but it was not nearly as strong as before.
I have been doing better then this Tuesday I had won a cake at the action auction and brought in for Small Group. My roommate took it as an April Fools Joke. And I was amazed how completely pissed I got. I could not focus on the discussion in SG because of how upset I was. My plans got messed up! I still am not sure why I was so mad.
So that is an abridged (HAHA, still kinda long though) of what has happened. Why I call this relearning humility is the source of my stress.
- I wasn't trusting God to care for the Chapter and provide SGLs.
- I didn't trust my friend to care about our friendship enough to take me asking her to ring dance well
- I didn't trust God to take care of my relationships while I am doing the best I can to love them well
- I didn't trust God to give me the strength to do the work he had before me
- I forgot it is God's work not mine, I don't have the responsibility of making it happen just doing my best to serve him and others
- And I forgot that God works all things for the good of his people... ALL things
It gets so easy to think that just cause you are a leader in a Christian organization or in the Church that you are humble and relying on God. For me it takes over-stimulating weeks where I am no longer strong enough to make things work to help me realize how little I am relying on God and how much I have begun to rely on myself.
God is the reason I breath, and the reason for my gifts. And as always:
PS- It is amazing how much songs from your childhood can be applicable to today (Supertones and Jars of Clay specifically at this moment)
So where did this start??
The weekend of Easter I went home. It was an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my parents, grandparents, and brothers. I really have been wanting to work on these relationships as I feel I have been pushing them aside a lot recently and I don't think that is right and I do enjoy the time I get with them. I got to have great conversations with all of them, there is still a lot of work to do in those relationships but that weekend was a positive step.
So why would I use this, as I said, awesome weekend as the start of a rough few weeks. Well, my goal was to grow in these relationships, and I am introverted. So while awesome it took a lot of energy out of me to work on those relationships.
Then I got in a car with a friend of mine for 4 hours. We talked about school, after school, relationships, and how we can follow God better. It was awesome. I love conversations like that, but a little more energy gone.
As we arrived on campus my phone rang. Another friend wanted to get dinner. I was hungry and had not seen him in a while so we went to dinner. We caught up a bit, talked about things we were thinking about. Good conversations as always with him. And at the end he was bugging me about going to Ring Dance. And I had been thinking of asking a friend to go as friends, but I decided the risk of awkwardness was to great, I mean it is me. So I decided not to.
Well, I changed my mind. I called her and asked her, she said she would have to see if she had a dress (it was only 6 days away).
Ok, it is the end of the day. I am ok. I can just sit back and relax. By this point I had no social energy left. I felt exhausted even having done nothing. I was ready to relax and try to be soical tomorrow.
Then one after the other I had two conversations with small group leaders who did not want to come back. I have enormous respect for both of them as leaders and friends. And come on trying to find the balance between pushing people to lead or do something and giving them the space to step back if that is the move they feel they need to make is hard.
But I had no energy for these conversations. I stopped both before we discussed to long for fear that I would say something poorly or something I would regret. I have not had to do that in almost 2 years!
The best way to understand what came next is that I over used my social energy for the day. And my peace in life and unfortunately trust in God is partly a mental discipline. I have learned to push thoughts aside that are not useful and only cause worry. But I lost my ability to do that after the last conversation. Thoughts of "God why aren't you doing this or that?" or "I am going to be on the Leadership team that kills the VT chapter." and "Why arn't I strong enough?" flooded my mind. Mixed in there were cries of "God I know you are in control but I don't feel it." and "God what is going on?"
So I went to bed, as I fell asleep I was shaking a bit.
The next day I felt better but but was still on edge. I was trying to reason what God was doing. Trying to see if I missed something. I was trying to figure out what my friends were thinking, the one I asked to the dance to see if she was feeling awkward about anything, and the small group leaders to see if they were considering changing their minds.
In one breath I would tell God I was trusting him with my friends, my relationship with them and their decisions. And at the same time be trying to read their actions.
Friday we met and went over the Small Group Leader applications. This time of year is always hard, I feel like people's whole years are in my hands. I fear mistakes and I have to repeat over and over my belief that God is guiding me and the others deciding and that he will use and grow his people where we put them, even if we make a mistake. As we prayed and discussed we found we had enough leaders, not as many as we would like maybe, but enough. That was a bit of a relief.
Also my hair was cut in a rather crazy manner and I had been getting attention all day for it. And I was tired of how hard I was trying to understand my friends and control things.
I had dinner with my Co-Small Group Coordinator and her boyfriend. Seeing them interact and hearing her talk about how God had blessed her with that relationship was really encouraging to me. And I just enjoy hanging out with those two anyway. And when I got to 180 I was just done again. And God really blessed me with the worship. I spent some time in prayer seriously giving the chapter, leaders, and my friendships to God. I just wanted to be able to enjoy them and be present in them not trying to analyze and figure them out.
I felt so free for the first few hours, but worry soon returned but it was not nearly as strong as before.
I have been doing better then this Tuesday I had won a cake at the action auction and brought in for Small Group. My roommate took it as an April Fools Joke. And I was amazed how completely pissed I got. I could not focus on the discussion in SG because of how upset I was. My plans got messed up! I still am not sure why I was so mad.
So that is an abridged (HAHA, still kinda long though) of what has happened. Why I call this relearning humility is the source of my stress.
- I wasn't trusting God to care for the Chapter and provide SGLs.
- I didn't trust my friend to care about our friendship enough to take me asking her to ring dance well
- I didn't trust God to take care of my relationships while I am doing the best I can to love them well
- I didn't trust God to give me the strength to do the work he had before me
- I forgot it is God's work not mine, I don't have the responsibility of making it happen just doing my best to serve him and others
- And I forgot that God works all things for the good of his people... ALL things
It gets so easy to think that just cause you are a leader in a Christian organization or in the Church that you are humble and relying on God. For me it takes over-stimulating weeks where I am no longer strong enough to make things work to help me realize how little I am relying on God and how much I have begun to rely on myself.
God is the reason I breath, and the reason for my gifts. And as always:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28I think each time I hit hard times and have to relearn how to trust him in everything I become a better disciple, friend, and leader. So thank you God for letting me go through the last week and a half to remind me just how much you bless me, and to challenge me with how much I still need to grow.
PS- It is amazing how much songs from your childhood can be applicable to today (Supertones and Jars of Clay specifically at this moment)
I've meant to do this for some time
I've gotta get it right this time
This time my God I will be Yours,
All my heart, my soul, and mind
Been so long since I truly smiled
But You touched my heart today
Reached through my mind of mud and mire
Consumed the idols in Your way
So I am brand new
Today, I make my resolution
~Supertones "Resolution"
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