Life is so difficult at times

So we have been doing a lot of talking at GUPY about identity. Last night we went to do Nightwatch. It is a service the Salvation Army in Greensboro does where they take the Emergency Response truck out and give food to homeless people. We had just finished feeding, talking to, and praying with a wave of people. One of our drivers had to drop off a van so we were waiting for them. The homeless in Greensboro know that the truck means we are giving out food so another wave of about 5 people came. As we fed and talked with them a woman walked by the was yelling something. I was to busy talking to the woman me and a few others were talking to to notice what it was that she said. Things got a little tense. Though again I was mostly oblivious because we were trying to express our reasons for giving out food to this woman and she kept saying we were not being real with her. Anyway, after a while the woman returned and then stuff started to boil over. We all finished up and then I saw Marshall calling the cops. One of the men we gave food to was carrying a crowbar and following another guy. The leaders told us to get in the vans, then Kelly walked to the van as the men went behind the van as well. We yelled to her to come back and she did exactly what she had to do, slowly and calmly walked back to us. The guy with the crowbar backed off and started to cry a bit. Marshall was trying to mediate while staying safe and keeping himself between us and them. A few of the girls started to pray and it was like deja vu to April 16th, so I went over and put my arm around them and prayed with them, hoping to comfort them. I don't know if it was but it just felt like what I could do at that moment, mainly based on my experience from the 16th. So the guy threw down the crowbar and sparks few a little. We felt safer and started to load up to leave to keep helping people and to get in a less dangerous situation. As I got in the van i saw them all across the street beating the crowbar at what looked like a person. I jumped in the van yelled at the last few to do the same and started to get out my first aid kit. But I was not about to run over there without police. Then about 6 cop cars came out of no where. I wanted to run over and offer to help. The van started to move and we pulled up to talk to Marshall about what to do next. Because one of the girls were between me and the door, the fact that I have no legal ability to render aid in NC, and I felt like I shouldn't leave without Marshall's approval. So I did nothing. As we drove off I stared at the dashboard in front of me. That lasted about 20 min or so. A few of the girls and Jeremy, I think, tried to comfort me. But all I could do was think, "I should have run over there" "Why God do I keep having chances to use my skills then fail to?" among other similar thoughts and questions, going in circles. I was unable to speak, something that happens to me when I am thinking hard, but this was longer and more inopportune than anytime before. Marshall asked me to come talk to him. We stepped out of the van and he asked what I was feeling. All I could get out was one word answers, anger, frustration, sadness. Then I got a whole sentence out, I told him I did not want to talk, but I would later. That was enough to let him focus on the rest of the the group and the rest of the night. I just kinda sat there for the rest of the night. Slowly I came to realize that this breakdown, for lack of a better term, was from two sources. One was identity. I identify myself as a lot of things one of which is as an EMT. So I felt that I had failed one of the identities I hold most dear. So I was a failure to myself. The second is related, I failed to speak and to act. So I failed to prove to myself and others that I have what it takes. So I guess this is also identity, but I failed to live up to being a man, in my view. I started to realize this some, then I was able to go out at the last stop of the night to talk with more people. The next morning Marshall brought up the second source, which was before I completely grasped that. And he tried to speak into my life the acceptance God has for me, and his acceptance of me. But as he found, it meant nothing to me. Because it was not a lack of eternal acceptance I was dealing with. I was not accepting myself. I was so mad and disappointed in myself. I had to be the one to speak the words of acceptance into my life, I just hadn't yet. Rough night, this and other events are why I learned so much at GUPY.

Lets give this a go

So I am big into journaling, but rarely do I share my written musings with others. For those of you that don't know I am currently in Greensboro, NC at GUPY (Greensboro Urban Project). Marshall, the leader, is big into blogging and talks about it often. I am not sure how often I will update this, journaling take a lot of thought and energy for me and it usually is incomprehensible to those that are not me, which means it is not all that helpful. But I have become more interested in sharing my thoughts in a more widespread form as of late so hopefully this will help me develop my communication skills. I don't intend to have a topic of discussion other than my thoughts, hence the generic name.

So here I am. I am a large white man living for 6 weeks in Glenwood, a mostly African-American and Latino neighborhood. I stand out. I am here on an Urban Project, a fancy name for a mission trip. I spent a week with middle school and high school aged kids taking them to Atlanta and learning about Hip-Hop culture along with them, we are talking the re stuff not what is on the radio. I have gone to 2 large black churches and one good size white church the in the last 3 Sundays. I am interning with Lutheran Family Services, a diverse refugee relocation agency. I have tried to have conversations with refugees that speak little English. Heck I have given up my summer to do this rather than make $5,000+ in an engineering internship. I will likely be recognized by the church I go to when I get home. But what is the point? People look at me and the others doing GUPY and applaud our efforts, yet do nothing. Some support us financially, and I am so grateful for that. But I dunno, it doesn't seem like much. I hang out with these kids, and they are awesome, but when I am done i retreat to my room and my PC, or go to dinner at a place like Uno's, where I would never think to change before eating there unless I was covered in dirt, that would be a HUGE deal to these kids. I feed the homeless then return to my A/C and cold sodas.

I feel like I am putting myself out during the day, but once back from my internship with LFS I sit at home hanging out with the rest of the GUPYs (what they call people doing GUPY). Why do we get attention at a church 2 blocks from Glenwood for living here? Why do we get attention for giving up our summers to serve God and learn more about him? Why is that not commonplace in the Church? Why do I feel like I still not doing all I could, when as I listed above I am doing so much more than others?

I don't want people to recognize me for doing stuff. I don't want people to clap at my list of actions or accomplishments. I want to love God and love those around me as he does. I want people to desire that as well. Is it really that rare for people to live out their identity as God's child that those of us that do or start to get claps and recognition? I would love for the Church to wake up. Maybe that is part of why I am drawn to doing staff with InterVarsity. College students seem to be hungry for the adventure that being a child of God is. And if they can learn to live that out through college, maybe the Church will start to change. Will begin to do what it should have been doing since day one.

Please don't take the list earlier as bragging, as I am writing this I feel like I am not doing enough. That I am retreating to my white middle-class bubble at night. That list is almost comical to me, because I am sure someone would read that and be impressed, but I don't see how I could do anything less.

Since writing this we had a Bible study where others kinda brought up some of what I was trying to convey. I hope this post shows the discontentment I have right now. Hopefully as the weeks go on I will be able to develop this discontentment into action, both for me and for the Virginia Tech chapter of IV.