Relearning Humility... agian

So the last few weeks have been really hard. Discouragement has been with me for some time and all my energy has been going into trying to avoid falling into it. Another way I have thought of it was as an overstimulating week. But it is amazing how once you sit down with God he begins to make things clear.

So where did this start??

The weekend of Easter I went home. It was an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my parents, grandparents, and brothers. I really have been wanting to work on these relationships as I feel I have been pushing them aside a lot recently and I don't think that is right and I do enjoy the time I get with them. I got to have great conversations with all of them, there is still a lot of work to do in those relationships but that weekend was a positive step.

So why would I use this, as I said, awesome weekend as the start of a rough few weeks. Well, my goal was to grow in these relationships, and I am introverted. So while awesome it took a lot of energy out of me to work on those relationships.

Then I got in a car with a friend of mine for 4 hours. We talked about school, after school, relationships, and how we can follow God better. It was awesome. I love conversations like that, but a little more energy gone.

As we arrived on campus my phone rang. Another friend wanted to get dinner. I was hungry and had not seen him in a while so we went to dinner. We caught up a bit, talked about things we were thinking about. Good conversations as always with him. And at the end he was bugging me about going to Ring Dance. And I had been thinking of asking a friend to go as friends, but I decided the risk of awkwardness was to great, I mean it is me. So I decided not to.

Well, I changed my mind. I called her and asked her, she said she would have to see if she had a dress (it was only 6 days away).

Ok, it is the end of the day. I am ok. I can just sit back and relax. By this point I had no social energy left. I felt exhausted even having done nothing. I was ready to relax and try to be soical tomorrow.

Then one after the other I had two conversations with small group leaders who did not want to come back. I have enormous respect for both of them as leaders and friends. And come on trying to find the balance between pushing people to lead or do something and giving them the space to step back if that is the move they feel they need to make is hard.

But I had no energy for these conversations. I stopped both before we discussed to long for fear that I would say something poorly or something I would regret. I have not had to do that in almost 2 years!

The best way to understand what came next is that I over used my social energy for the day. And my peace in life and unfortunately trust in God is partly a mental discipline. I have learned to push thoughts aside that are not useful and only cause worry. But I lost my ability to do that after the last conversation. Thoughts of "God why aren't you doing this or that?" or "I am going to be on the Leadership team that kills the VT chapter." and "Why arn't I strong enough?" flooded my mind. Mixed in there were cries of "God I know you are in control but I don't feel it." and "God what is going on?"

So I went to bed, as I fell asleep I was shaking a bit.

The next day I felt better but but was still on edge. I was trying to reason what God was doing. Trying to see if I missed something. I was trying to figure out what my friends were thinking, the one I asked to the dance to see if she was feeling awkward about anything, and the small group leaders to see if they were considering changing their minds.

In one breath I would tell God I was trusting him with my friends, my relationship with them and their decisions. And at the same time be trying to read their actions.

Friday we met and went over the Small Group Leader applications. This time of year is always hard, I feel like people's whole years are in my hands. I fear mistakes and I have to repeat over and over my belief that God is guiding me and the others deciding and that he will use and grow his people where we put them, even if we make a mistake. As we prayed and discussed we found we had enough leaders, not as many as we would like maybe, but enough. That was a bit of a relief.

Also my hair was cut in a rather crazy manner and I had been getting attention all day for it. And I was tired of how hard I was trying to understand my friends and control things.

I had dinner with my Co-Small Group Coordinator and her boyfriend. Seeing them interact and hearing her talk about how God had blessed her with that relationship was really encouraging to me. And I just enjoy hanging out with those two anyway. And when I got to 180 I was just done again. And God really blessed me with the worship. I spent some time in prayer seriously giving the chapter, leaders, and my friendships to God. I just wanted to be able to enjoy them and be present in them not trying to analyze and figure them out.

I felt so free for the first few hours, but worry soon returned but it was not nearly as strong as before.

I have been doing better then this Tuesday I had won a cake at the action auction and brought in for Small Group. My roommate took it as an April Fools Joke. And I was amazed how completely pissed I got. I could not focus on the discussion in SG because of how upset I was. My plans got messed up! I still am not sure why I was so mad.

So that is an abridged (HAHA, still kinda long though) of what has happened. Why I call this relearning humility is the source of my stress.

- I wasn't trusting God to care for the Chapter and provide SGLs.
- I didn't trust my friend to care about our friendship enough to take me asking her to ring dance well
- I didn't trust God to take care of my relationships while I am doing the best I can to love them well
- I didn't trust God to give me the strength to do the work he had before me
- I forgot it is God's work not mine, I don't have the responsibility of making it happen just doing my best to serve him and others
- And I forgot that God works all things for the good of his people... ALL things

It gets so easy to think that just cause you are a leader in a Christian organization or in the Church that you are humble and relying on God. For me it takes over-stimulating weeks where I am no longer strong enough to make things work to help me realize how little I am relying on God and how much I have begun to rely on myself.

God is the reason I breath, and the reason for my gifts. And as always:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

I think each time I hit hard times and have to relearn how to trust him in everything I become a better disciple, friend, and leader. So thank you God for letting me go through the last week and a half to remind me just how much you bless me, and to challenge me with how much I still need to grow.

PS- It is amazing how much songs from your childhood can be applicable to today (Supertones and Jars of Clay specifically at this moment)

I've meant to do this for some time
I've gotta get it right this time
This time my God I will be Yours,
All my heart, my soul, and mind
Been so long since I truly smiled
But You touched my heart today
Reached through my mind of mud and mire
Consumed the idols in Your way
So I am brand new
Today, I make my resolution
~Supertones "Resolution"