Affirmation is Hard to Take

So it is the end of my last Fall Semester as an undergraduate student.

That is hard to take in, this has been my life for so long and so many things have been culminating in events in these years it is hard to think of leaving, but the closer I get the more I see it is just about time.

So with the end of the semester comes the end of my term on Vision Team (Coordinating or Exec for you other IV Chapters). I have been one of the Small Group Coordinators for 2 years. In about a week I will go from knowing what is going on and directing and trying to cast and cultivate vision to having no clue what is going on and just being along for the ride. Next semester will be my 3rd of 10 semesters no on some sort of leadership...

Last week at our last VTeam meeting we did affirmations of each other on the team. I was ready to go, one way I have been growing is speaking my mind quicker, and there were a lot of things I wanted to affirm in my teammates that were long past due...

They picked me first...

I am going to share what they said, not to brag but so you can see my dissonance.

- Several mentioned that I have "Spiritual Maturity"
- My heart for SGLs and working to see them grow
- the fact that people in the chapter follow me and I have used that to push them in positive directions
- That I have been around and know how the chapter has gone and works

others were mentioned but these stood out to me... I kept thinking of "Yeah but..."s to all of these...

- My heart grew due to others influences on me and being able to partner with them to care for our Leaders
- I have seen that people respect me and follow me, I don't quite understand it, but the "things" I did with that, really? The leaders put in all the work; I don't even think I challenged them well.
- thinking I know how the chapter runs is one of the things that has caused the most tension between me and staff this year, is that really a benefit?
- And "Spiritual Maturity"???? Really? All the stupid crap I have done, and you use that term to describe me?

It especially was surprising hearing some of these things from my Staff, I have been unsure of how they have viewed me all year. I have been under the impression that my actions and opinions have made me a royal pain in their sides. It was good to see that wasn't all I did this year.

Then we had the last SG of the semester in the on campus SG I go to. And the leaders had us send them affirmations about everyone else and they compiled them so they would be anonymous.

- Incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, earnestly cares, strong in his faith, insightful (several times), respectable, willing to listen

then the two that hit me the hardest:

- You are one of the wisest people I know. Don't doubt yourself. (I kind of want to know who wrote that)

- I am overly thankful for Allen. He's impacted my life so much in the short time I've been here, and I just enjoy hanging with him. Plus, he has a Greek Bible.

Again, I am posting these because I don't deserve any of these words.

Especially the last one, I know who wrote that, and I had honestly felt that I was wasting his time. I was not as focused or prepared for Discipleship as I wanted to be.

As a close brother of mine recently said, "We are our own worst critics." He is an artist, he should know.

All I see is how I have failed so often.

- I am not prepared
- I am talking to much
- I am betraying they're trust
- I feel like I want to run away
- I can't believe I said that!
- I only think about myself
- I have so much room to grow
- WHY ARN'T I PERFECT YET??!?!?!?
- I just want to stop letting people down or hurting them
- I keep failing
- I am tired of losing
- I am tired of judging others in my mind
- I am tired of giving up on my friends

Yet people who are around me when I think thoughts like that the most... wrote or said the stuff I put in here....

They seem so diametrically opposed... can they really all be opinions about the same person?

The guy who only has so much social energy before he has to disappear?

The guy who just this week, just yesterday got so fed up with a few friends... over something insignificant in the long run, that he just didn't (doesn't) want to deal with them anymore?


How can we be talking about the same guy?



That is why affirmation is so hard to take... but so important.