Why I Must Leave

So even as recently as last May I was still convinced I would never want to leave Blacksburg. It is a great town. I have loved my time here. There is no way I would be the man I am without being her now. Of this I am sure.

But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.

I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.

I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.

1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.

2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.

3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?

So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.

Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.

These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.

Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!

And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!

The Desire to be Wanted

It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.

I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.

On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.

I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.

So now what?

I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.

I have had none of this directed to me individually.

I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.

A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.

I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.

I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.

Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.

Eh, such is life.

I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.

And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.

How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?

How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?

I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...

Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.

I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...

God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.