The Desire to be Wanted

It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.

I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.

On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.

I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.

So now what?

I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.

I have had none of this directed to me individually.

I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.

A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.

I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.

I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.

Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.

Eh, such is life.

I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.

And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.

How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?

How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?

I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...

Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.

I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...

God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.