In my last post I mentioned how friend said my story reminded him of the curse that came from the fall.
I was reading Genesis again, it felt like it might apply after that discussion.
Genesis 3: 8
God was walking through the garden looking for them but out of shame they hid. That hits really hard.
The last few months I have had a hard time feeling or hearing God. I have heard him in the past, but not recently.
A tear actually came to my eye when I read this. I feel so distant from Him at times, yet even having his presence walk with them in the garden they still felt he was holding out on them.
We still thought we knew better.
It is so easy to try to blame not feeling God for having difficulty listening and following Him.
The issue is much deeper than that it seems.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Work
To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and
ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'
"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3: 17-19
I was recounting my feelings and thoughts from when I was still working to a friend. His response:
"I have never heard anyone so clearly articulate the effects of the curse in their own experience before."
So I went back and read some Genesis.
I believe three factors were at work with my last work experience.
1. Lack of perspective on work
2. Lack of alignment between who I am and my occupation
3. An increasingly negative work environment
I found myself returning to old patterns.
Isolation.
Disdain for myself.
Feeling hopeless. Worthless.
I woke up every day and did my job. But whether I worked hard or slacked off at the end of the day I felt like I had wasted my day.
Like I have spent all day in bed or in front of the TV. That lethargic feeling accompanied by regret.
So I forgot how to rest. When I was at work I tried to work. When at home I tried to do things that would make my day feel like something was accomplished.
Over time I just wanted to go to bed after work and do nothing.
Physically I was growing weaker from a lack of exercise or work.. but I was never physically tired. Mentally I was worn down, tired... but felt no accomplishment.
Unsure how to explain my situation and ashamed that I was not moving forward and that I had no vision, no goal I began to isolate myself. People important to me became those to avoid. I just didn't know how to answer the questions...
"How is work?"
"What do you do?"
"What are you up to?"
Each would be answered, but inside I felt like I did nothing. That I had no purpose. And I didn't even get the benefit of sleeping in or watching TV all day. I was doing work that could be done by a script.
I felt like my legacy was becoming the guy who lived alone, hating life, doing things a computer should do.
That is why I left.
I am ok with individual tasks being toil. But with nothing to work towards, not impact being made from the work (besides reducing the IT budget for a few months), I see no point.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Trusting God?
Ironically I was tasked lately with planning for Home-group on the topic of work. I say ironically because I am unemployed.
I wanted to lead on a section of Ecclesiastes. I liked the idea of talking about seasons. How there is a time for everything, and at times the time to not do something. I am usually not a fan of this concept in the moment. I want to be in control, I want everything to just be awesome. When I look back on the other hand I am glad for seasons. For times of learning specific things.
As I tried to prepare this discussion I kept being drawn to Matthew 25. This is the three part parable about what the kingdom of God is like: the 10 virgins awaiting the bridegroom, the master who goes on a long journey (parable of the talents), and the goats and sheep.
The middle section is commonly called the parable of the talents and is about a master who is leaving on a long journey. It is long enough that he must leave his servants in charge of his affairs, I imagine that if it was shorter he could afford to wait or just let things be. He entrusts five talents to one servant, two to the next and one to the last. He leave and on his return calls the servants to account for themselves. We see that the first two took their money and were each able to engage in trade to double their money, the master is overjoyed and invites the servants to celebrate with him; he also promises to give them more responsibility and money. The last, entrusted with only one talent, was afraid of the master so he buried the money and returned the same amount to the master. This is seen as an insult by the master, the servant is stripped of the one talent and kicked out of the house.
I did a little math. According to the footnotes in my Bible a talent is worth about 20 years wages for a laborer. For an estimation I assumed that a laborer would be someone who only makes minimum wage, works a normal 40 hour work week but does not get vacation (works 52 weeks a year). That gave me about $300,000 per talent. So reworded:
The master is leaving on a long journey. He entrusts on servant with $1.5M, one with $600k and one with $300k; each according to his ability. He then leaves.
This is the place I want to focus. I feel like this is where I am. I am not sure if I am the servant with the ability to be entrusted with $1.5M or $300k, but I am one of them. God has entrusted me with something and I want to hand it back to him with more in the end.
If I am honest with myself I am most like the servant who buried the money at the moment. I am terrified. I am scared of making a mistake.
What if I am 4th servant, the one not in the story that lost all his money?
Or worse, what if I succeed?
Both are scary thoughts. I want to just hand my one talent back the God and say "It is too hard, I am scared."
"You overestimate my ability."
But I do want to do something. I want to be a light, to serve others and be a part of bringing the kingdom into people's lives.
It is just so easy to let the fear of both success and failure to rule me.
The story just says that in the end the servants had double their money. It doesn't discuss how many times the lost money or had to start over in a new trading method or location.
They were rewarded because the master knew what they were capable of handling, gave that to them and they responded.
When I put it that way it feels much more manageable!
So at the end of the day, do I trust God to know me well enough to give me the right resources and opportunities?
I wanted to lead on a section of Ecclesiastes. I liked the idea of talking about seasons. How there is a time for everything, and at times the time to not do something. I am usually not a fan of this concept in the moment. I want to be in control, I want everything to just be awesome. When I look back on the other hand I am glad for seasons. For times of learning specific things.
As I tried to prepare this discussion I kept being drawn to Matthew 25. This is the three part parable about what the kingdom of God is like: the 10 virgins awaiting the bridegroom, the master who goes on a long journey (parable of the talents), and the goats and sheep.
The middle section is commonly called the parable of the talents and is about a master who is leaving on a long journey. It is long enough that he must leave his servants in charge of his affairs, I imagine that if it was shorter he could afford to wait or just let things be. He entrusts five talents to one servant, two to the next and one to the last. He leave and on his return calls the servants to account for themselves. We see that the first two took their money and were each able to engage in trade to double their money, the master is overjoyed and invites the servants to celebrate with him; he also promises to give them more responsibility and money. The last, entrusted with only one talent, was afraid of the master so he buried the money and returned the same amount to the master. This is seen as an insult by the master, the servant is stripped of the one talent and kicked out of the house.
I did a little math. According to the footnotes in my Bible a talent is worth about 20 years wages for a laborer. For an estimation I assumed that a laborer would be someone who only makes minimum wage, works a normal 40 hour work week but does not get vacation (works 52 weeks a year). That gave me about $300,000 per talent. So reworded:
The master is leaving on a long journey. He entrusts on servant with $1.5M, one with $600k and one with $300k; each according to his ability. He then leaves.
This is the place I want to focus. I feel like this is where I am. I am not sure if I am the servant with the ability to be entrusted with $1.5M or $300k, but I am one of them. God has entrusted me with something and I want to hand it back to him with more in the end.
If I am honest with myself I am most like the servant who buried the money at the moment. I am terrified. I am scared of making a mistake.
What if I am 4th servant, the one not in the story that lost all his money?
Or worse, what if I succeed?
Both are scary thoughts. I want to just hand my one talent back the God and say "It is too hard, I am scared."
"You overestimate my ability."
But I do want to do something. I want to be a light, to serve others and be a part of bringing the kingdom into people's lives.
It is just so easy to let the fear of both success and failure to rule me.
The story just says that in the end the servants had double their money. It doesn't discuss how many times the lost money or had to start over in a new trading method or location.
They were rewarded because the master knew what they were capable of handling, gave that to them and they responded.
When I put it that way it feels much more manageable!
So at the end of the day, do I trust God to know me well enough to give me the right resources and opportunities?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
