Work

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and
ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'

"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3: 17-19

I was recounting my feelings and thoughts from when I was still working to a friend. His response:

"I have never heard anyone so clearly articulate the effects of the curse in their own experience before."

So I went back and read some Genesis.

I believe three factors were at work with my last work experience.

1. Lack of perspective on work
2. Lack of alignment between who I am and my occupation
3. An increasingly negative work environment

I found myself returning to old patterns.

Isolation.
Disdain for myself.
Feeling hopeless. Worthless.

I woke up every day and did my job. But whether I worked hard or slacked off at the end of the day I felt like I had wasted my day.

Like I have spent all day in bed or in front of the TV. That lethargic feeling accompanied by regret.

So I forgot how to rest. When I was at work I tried to work. When at home I tried to do things that would make my day feel like something was accomplished.

Over time I just wanted to go to bed after work and do nothing.

Physically I was growing weaker from a lack of exercise or work.. but I was never physically tired. Mentally I was worn down, tired... but felt no accomplishment.

Unsure how to explain my situation and ashamed that I was not moving forward and that I had no vision, no goal I began to isolate myself. People important to me became those to avoid. I just didn't know how to answer the questions...

"How is work?"

"What do you do?"

"What are you up to?"

Each would be answered, but inside I felt like I did nothing. That I had no purpose. And I didn't even get the benefit of sleeping in or watching TV all day. I was doing work that could be done by a script.

I felt like my legacy was becoming the guy who lived alone, hating life, doing things a computer should do.

That is why I left.

I am ok with individual tasks being toil. But with nothing to work towards, not impact being made from the work (besides reducing the IT budget for a few months), I see no point.