Year in Review

To start of way more people read this than I thought. Two people are subscribed to it on Google Reader, at least 4 people have links to my blog in theirs, and recently at least 2 friends that I did not know blog or read blogs commented on my posts, and a person from the intertubes that doesn't seem to just be trying to get me to buy something or join their new blog hosting site. So thank you everyone for reading and please comment if you have thoughts I like the chance to be pushed to grow and refine and be encouraged. Also please feel free to email or call me if you have that contact already if you have concerns about a post, especially with this being about my life some people come up, I try to remove identifiers but it doesn't always work.

So I a tradition that at the end or each academic year I debrief my year (for this post defined as the time from the start of GUPY to Rockbridge), try to pick out from my old journal entries the major events, struggles, and blessings of the year and try to analyze them a bit removed. Usually I have 5+ items and work my way through the list. I had a list this year too, but as I looked at it I saw a similarity that was overwhelming. The were not several big lessons (millions of small ones) but there was one big lesson in all of them. I need to look at life from the Big Picture, God's Point of View (as much as a mortal mind can handle of course). The events I saw were:

- Emotional Breakdown in Greensboro
- Emotional breakdown in Mexico
- Struggling not being in GUPY
- Struggling to find a desire to do something... anything (about 6 months after the 16th)
- Struggling with my singleness
- Struggling with the fact that I give relationship and other advice all the time and it seems to work out well for others but not for me
- Struggling with enjoying and wanting to serve on Vision Team (I am glad I am still on but I had a period where I lost all joy in it)
- Feeling like Death was all around me
- About having a break down from stress with Leadership Applications
- Feeling alone
- Stress from Classes
- Stress from a long To-Do list for the summer

So this is only the bad things, but all are me worrying about the short term. I am single now, but got has something better for me (freedom in singleness or an awesome relationship). I had a week where I felt like the VT chapter was going to collapse while I was on Vision Team and I should have gotten out when I had the chance. Classes, important but not worth all that. And death was all around me (16th, Pritchard jumper, Uncle dieing, NIU, friends hit by a car and one dieing), but so was God. Some is pure jealousy and feeling like God owes me for what I give up for him and the chapter, how selfish is that? How arrogant?

I feel like each of these and more instances all stem from wants and needs in cases that are valid, but the worry and pain came from looking shortsightedly. Not seeing that God is in control, he is working out his plan and will in the world. I want/ need X, I don't have it, WHAT THE CRAP GOD????

I feel like the whole time God is loving and caring for me, but also saying "My child, I have it under control and things are going to blow your socks off if you just wait and trust me."

Like a kid who wants to run and play across the street at the play ground a place that is good, but the parents say no cause a car is coming or they are not quite old enough to play on that piece of equipment. When we grow up we think we know it all, we can finally make those calls for ourselves, but how much more are we still like the kids that just want what looks cool, what is good, and sometimes just what we rationalize to be good, but God knows better.

Isn't that part of where our freedom in Christ comes from? We know that God will give us what we need. Not always what we want, but if we truly needed a sandwich to continue to believe he would give it. If we needed a rain, a nap, whatever he give is willingly and joyfully to us when we need it. But he also withholds to grow our faith, grow us as men and women of God, and/ or because he has something better that we need to wait to receive. And in the mean time we are free to serve and seek him!

I grew a lot from this year, and being me I don't regret anything, but rejoice in the growth I see from it (at least that is what I say over and over until I feel it).

Thank you God that your point of view is greater than ours, that in small ways you let us get glimpses of your point of view. And that we can trust in you having that view and love of us to care for us better than we can.

I agree...

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
~Rich Mullins "If I Stand"

So every few months I end up going back to my 90s Christian Contemporary that I listened to in Middle and High School. Every time I find songs that encourage or touch me where I am. It is weird to think stuff that I heard a while back can still affect me.

Thanks God!

A Short Post

So I can't seem to write a short Blog post... so here it goes.

Kathryn's Wedding

Last weekend was crazy. I spent over 14 hours in a car that weekend. But it was a great choice. I got to talk with Jeremy for a while on the way to and from VA. While in our pit stop in Greensboro; Jeremy, Dan and myself had a great conversation as discussed by Jeremy in his post on this topic.

The next day I got to have a lot of great conversations and just hang out time with Jeremy, Dan, Catherine, and Jenny; and got to see Drew, Erin, and Kathryn a little though due to other obligations not as much time with those three, Oh and of course Marshall and Diane it was awesome to get to see them too!! I feel like the time we got to spend with the GUPY 07 crew was a needed breath of fresh air for all of us. And I know that for Jeremy, Jenny, and myself it was especially encouraging.

But the ceremony simply blew me away. If you are reading this and I attended your wedding in the past this is nothing against you, this is a testament to where I am and to the substantially different feel this ceremony had. BUT... WOW!!! Usually I enjoy myself but leave feeling sadness that I don't have that deep relationship, or even a relationship that I can invest in that is deepening (I have many close friends, and several are awesome women of God, but at least at this point they are all about as deep as they will ever be, which is still a blessing but not the same... ya know?). I leave looking out the window asking God why it can't be me. Many ceremonies I felt out of place wanting to take a few photos... I was not even close to the only one at this wedding. Sometimes I have felt like I am not close enough to the couple to be there, like I am sneaking in with their "group" of friends but not being one myself. This one is majorly my perception in the past, and I should if I felt that before feel it now... after all I only spent 2 months with the bride one summer... but I felt like I belonged there that day celebrating with the family and friends. And that was what it was! The groomsmen came down the isle to a sweet sounding tune, the brides maids were dancing down the isle, and the bride had a smile on her face as big as I have ever seen (And if you don't know her... this girl can SMILE). There was a gospel choir that sang a few times... once right in the middle of the exchanging of the vows (not exactly but not sure how to explain it) and the bride was clapping her hands and praising God with the rest of the people there.

It was truly a celebration of God and of this couple. Elements of tradition but it screamed of their personality (I don't know him so on that part I am inferring). I feel like the couple got to spend time with everyone... she spent time with the IV Wilmington crew, dragged Jenny on the dance floor, fussed at me for taking more pics than dancing, enjoyed dancing and being with her new husband. It wasn't rigid, it didn't feel like the family (or friends but the family is more famous for it) were pushing their wants on the couple... it felt like what it should be... a celebration of God and his goodness and of their relationship and new commitment and new life together.

On the way back we were talking and mentioned things we were giving up for God and how some people see those things we (that group talking) were giving up freely in love and trust of God as God holding out on them, one of the things mentioned was a "relationship worth investing in." But as it was said, as I agreed (nothing against the women in my life but God just hasn't given me a relationship like that yet), as we discussed that and other topics on our ride back, for me and I think for the other 3 in the car there was an element of joy, excitement, and peace about that... something I have never felt after a wedding before.

The longing is still there, I feel like that is healthy, good, and expected in a single 20-something. But I feel I experienced a taste of God's providence in that wedding. I feel like I was seeing and celebrating God giving that couple the very thing I have desired so long... I mean all my life since girls stopped being gross :). Like God was reminding me "Yes I am good... remember. And yes I do have a plan, a plan that you will experience this one day and not just observe or experience as a friend of those who are, just trust me until then."

Thank you God for reminding me in a way I could see and feel that you are good... and that you have a plan for me more awesome than I can imagine. That you know the desires of my heart and are not ignoring them.

And thank you Kathryn and Chris, for letting your love and your personalities shine through in your wedding, and for having praise and thanks to God being an integral part.

And thank you GUPY 07 (this includes Marshall) for loving me and helping me to better understand each day the love God has for me. For encouraging me, and letting me ramble... often :)

*and yes I got a little link happy*

Too Busy

So I have a 8-5 job now, and on top of that I am trying to get EMT CEUs, clean my room, and a whole page of other tasks. I have been pushing myself really hard to get this all done soon, I am tired and just kinda overwhelmed at times... but today for the first time in a week or so I sat down (well laid down) and had a quiet time.

I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.

Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.

Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.

God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.

My Name is "Desirable"??

So Marshall Benbow spoke at VT a few weeks ago. His talk was awesome as always and then, since it was our joint large group with CCF (a Korean American Campus Ministry that meets right next to us that we have developed a relationship with), their speaker got up and scrapped his talk to elaborate on what Marshall said, read Marshall's post for some more details. But at the end of Marshall's talk he challenged us to ask God what our name is. The name that He gives us not the names we give ourselves. The name that came to my mind as I prayed was "Desirable" and I didn't tell anyone. I am sad to say my initial though was "Hmmm... that sounds like a girls name." But as the name sunk in that night and over the next few weeks I feel that it is my name. I thought of the names I have given myself:

Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.

Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.

Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.

Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).

After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.

Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...

BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.


Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.

Saying Good Bye

So the last few weeks have been really hard. I mean the end of each year is hard, leaving friends for a few months and having to readjust to being under your parents roof again. But this time is harder. This time I have been at VT for 4 years. This time I should be leaving too.

I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.

As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.

Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.

Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.

But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.

I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.

God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.

If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.

You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!