Year in Review

To start of way more people read this than I thought. Two people are subscribed to it on Google Reader, at least 4 people have links to my blog in theirs, and recently at least 2 friends that I did not know blog or read blogs commented on my posts, and a person from the intertubes that doesn't seem to just be trying to get me to buy something or join their new blog hosting site. So thank you everyone for reading and please comment if you have thoughts I like the chance to be pushed to grow and refine and be encouraged. Also please feel free to email or call me if you have that contact already if you have concerns about a post, especially with this being about my life some people come up, I try to remove identifiers but it doesn't always work.

So I a tradition that at the end or each academic year I debrief my year (for this post defined as the time from the start of GUPY to Rockbridge), try to pick out from my old journal entries the major events, struggles, and blessings of the year and try to analyze them a bit removed. Usually I have 5+ items and work my way through the list. I had a list this year too, but as I looked at it I saw a similarity that was overwhelming. The were not several big lessons (millions of small ones) but there was one big lesson in all of them. I need to look at life from the Big Picture, God's Point of View (as much as a mortal mind can handle of course). The events I saw were:

- Emotional Breakdown in Greensboro
- Emotional breakdown in Mexico
- Struggling not being in GUPY
- Struggling to find a desire to do something... anything (about 6 months after the 16th)
- Struggling with my singleness
- Struggling with the fact that I give relationship and other advice all the time and it seems to work out well for others but not for me
- Struggling with enjoying and wanting to serve on Vision Team (I am glad I am still on but I had a period where I lost all joy in it)
- Feeling like Death was all around me
- About having a break down from stress with Leadership Applications
- Feeling alone
- Stress from Classes
- Stress from a long To-Do list for the summer

So this is only the bad things, but all are me worrying about the short term. I am single now, but got has something better for me (freedom in singleness or an awesome relationship). I had a week where I felt like the VT chapter was going to collapse while I was on Vision Team and I should have gotten out when I had the chance. Classes, important but not worth all that. And death was all around me (16th, Pritchard jumper, Uncle dieing, NIU, friends hit by a car and one dieing), but so was God. Some is pure jealousy and feeling like God owes me for what I give up for him and the chapter, how selfish is that? How arrogant?

I feel like each of these and more instances all stem from wants and needs in cases that are valid, but the worry and pain came from looking shortsightedly. Not seeing that God is in control, he is working out his plan and will in the world. I want/ need X, I don't have it, WHAT THE CRAP GOD????

I feel like the whole time God is loving and caring for me, but also saying "My child, I have it under control and things are going to blow your socks off if you just wait and trust me."

Like a kid who wants to run and play across the street at the play ground a place that is good, but the parents say no cause a car is coming or they are not quite old enough to play on that piece of equipment. When we grow up we think we know it all, we can finally make those calls for ourselves, but how much more are we still like the kids that just want what looks cool, what is good, and sometimes just what we rationalize to be good, but God knows better.

Isn't that part of where our freedom in Christ comes from? We know that God will give us what we need. Not always what we want, but if we truly needed a sandwich to continue to believe he would give it. If we needed a rain, a nap, whatever he give is willingly and joyfully to us when we need it. But he also withholds to grow our faith, grow us as men and women of God, and/ or because he has something better that we need to wait to receive. And in the mean time we are free to serve and seek him!

I grew a lot from this year, and being me I don't regret anything, but rejoice in the growth I see from it (at least that is what I say over and over until I feel it).

Thank you God that your point of view is greater than ours, that in small ways you let us get glimpses of your point of view. And that we can trust in you having that view and love of us to care for us better than we can.