Why I Must Leave

So even as recently as last May I was still convinced I would never want to leave Blacksburg. It is a great town. I have loved my time here. There is no way I would be the man I am without being her now. Of this I am sure.

But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.

I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.

I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.

1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.

2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.

3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?

So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.

Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.

These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.

Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!

And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!

The Desire to be Wanted

It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.

I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.

On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.

I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.

So now what?

I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.

I have had none of this directed to me individually.

I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.

A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.

I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.

I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.

Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.

Eh, such is life.

I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.

And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.

How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?

How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?

I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...

Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.

I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...

God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13 (ESV)
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I feel like I am calling out this Psalm every time something happens here...

It is amazing how easily I forget the last 2 verses in my cry to my Father.

I go from rejoicing in the blessings He has given me and us, or complacency in them to...

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget Virginia Tech forever?
How long will you hide your face from us?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV, bold my edits)

I am torn between wanting to feel this pain and confusion because it reminds me to rely on God.

And wanting to be impervious so I can stand in times like this.

Right now I can barely stand, let alone care for those God has put in my life adequately... how easily I forget who is in control.

I am not big enough to stop these things from happening, I am not big enough to comfort my friends as they need...

that kills me...

But God is, and he is at work through me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness!! (2 Cor 12:9)

Father as I feel like Psalm 13 describes my feelings, please help me to get to the last two verses.
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When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)

Why?

Why does this stuff keep happening to my school???

I am so tired of getting text messages, phone calls, emails, and seeing things posted on the VT homepage.

I am tried of calling my mother to tell her I am ok.

I am tired of trying to help others make sense of what is going on.

This world is so broken.



God please help me not to loose heart.

I feel lost in the woods

I'll post more once I have some time to work through this more, part of why I am headed out of Richmond later today a week early for class to take some time alone and with God.

I have no idea what is going on...

I have no idea what I want or should do when I graduate.

I am not even sure what to be up to when I get back to campus.

Over the last few months I have let my relationship with God wane a bit.

I have been spending time with him, just not the amount I need to.

The difference between now and a few weeks ago?

I have no vision...

I was on leadership with IV at Virginia Tech, I knew how to do that. I knew what to do.

I was ignoring the fact that I have a lot of choices and decisions that need to be made soon.

There are things I wanted to do with this 'free' semester, but at the moment I feel lost.

This next week is needed, I need to spend some time with an old friend, who has been waiting to hang out.

Hopefully I can start finding my way out of the woods soon.

I really hate this feeling of floating around without direction.

It would be awesome if God sent more angels to just say "do this."

But in the end this season will be good for me and deepen my relationship with God.

It just is not fun.

Christmas

It has been a long week or so. I am just totally exhausted, I find myself sleeping, eating, doing various chores, or playing Phoenix Wright (it is a good game). But I am still not focused on God like I would like.

Ironic being this is the time of Advent.

I was rereading John today, and just remembering that I actually have a reason to struggle, even if all other reasons for my faith seem to fade.

I used to think this time of year was completely dumb. That Easter should be big, who cares about his birth, all it is is something required for him to do the rest. But this is equally important, as I have seen in the last few years.

His birth was a huge act of sacrifice. Not quite as big as having God temporarily turn his face away from him as happened on the cross, but still. Jesus went from being God and with God, to being a child born to a common if not poor family. He was still God but he gave up his splendor in almost its entirety to become on of his creations. He entered into creation and his own dearly loved creations did not recognize him as John says.

He went from the top of the universe, but even higher, the creator and sustainer of the universe, and now he was hungry, thirsty, and had to rely on others.

That act was the one the bridged the gap from God to man, that step is what he builds upon for our salvation. His birth is not merely a required state in order for the later ones, it is the foundation, God coming to us to rebuild the relationship we broke.

God loving us enough to be the one to have to humble himself, not making us come to him, but making the way for us.

His birth brings hope into this world.

That hope is why we struggle, we know there is better for us, we are not resigned to the way things are. We can accurately see the brokenness in the world and in ourselves. But that hope frees us to move forward.

When life is hard, I CAN struggle because of what Jesus did at his birth. I can wrestle with the view I have of myself. I can wrestle with what I want my life to look at, and I can face my past. All because of the hope of who God created me to be, the hope in the fact that He has a purpose and is doing a work in me he will take to completion.

Merry Christmas, and Thank you so much for sticking with me.

I do not deserve a God like you... God.

I do not deserve friends like you... those who are reading this and those who will never read this.

Those are some of the greatest gifts I will ever be given.

Affirmation is Hard to Take

So it is the end of my last Fall Semester as an undergraduate student.

That is hard to take in, this has been my life for so long and so many things have been culminating in events in these years it is hard to think of leaving, but the closer I get the more I see it is just about time.

So with the end of the semester comes the end of my term on Vision Team (Coordinating or Exec for you other IV Chapters). I have been one of the Small Group Coordinators for 2 years. In about a week I will go from knowing what is going on and directing and trying to cast and cultivate vision to having no clue what is going on and just being along for the ride. Next semester will be my 3rd of 10 semesters no on some sort of leadership...

Last week at our last VTeam meeting we did affirmations of each other on the team. I was ready to go, one way I have been growing is speaking my mind quicker, and there were a lot of things I wanted to affirm in my teammates that were long past due...

They picked me first...

I am going to share what they said, not to brag but so you can see my dissonance.

- Several mentioned that I have "Spiritual Maturity"
- My heart for SGLs and working to see them grow
- the fact that people in the chapter follow me and I have used that to push them in positive directions
- That I have been around and know how the chapter has gone and works

others were mentioned but these stood out to me... I kept thinking of "Yeah but..."s to all of these...

- My heart grew due to others influences on me and being able to partner with them to care for our Leaders
- I have seen that people respect me and follow me, I don't quite understand it, but the "things" I did with that, really? The leaders put in all the work; I don't even think I challenged them well.
- thinking I know how the chapter runs is one of the things that has caused the most tension between me and staff this year, is that really a benefit?
- And "Spiritual Maturity"???? Really? All the stupid crap I have done, and you use that term to describe me?

It especially was surprising hearing some of these things from my Staff, I have been unsure of how they have viewed me all year. I have been under the impression that my actions and opinions have made me a royal pain in their sides. It was good to see that wasn't all I did this year.

Then we had the last SG of the semester in the on campus SG I go to. And the leaders had us send them affirmations about everyone else and they compiled them so they would be anonymous.

- Incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, earnestly cares, strong in his faith, insightful (several times), respectable, willing to listen

then the two that hit me the hardest:

- You are one of the wisest people I know. Don't doubt yourself. (I kind of want to know who wrote that)

- I am overly thankful for Allen. He's impacted my life so much in the short time I've been here, and I just enjoy hanging with him. Plus, he has a Greek Bible.

Again, I am posting these because I don't deserve any of these words.

Especially the last one, I know who wrote that, and I had honestly felt that I was wasting his time. I was not as focused or prepared for Discipleship as I wanted to be.

As a close brother of mine recently said, "We are our own worst critics." He is an artist, he should know.

All I see is how I have failed so often.

- I am not prepared
- I am talking to much
- I am betraying they're trust
- I feel like I want to run away
- I can't believe I said that!
- I only think about myself
- I have so much room to grow
- WHY ARN'T I PERFECT YET??!?!?!?
- I just want to stop letting people down or hurting them
- I keep failing
- I am tired of losing
- I am tired of judging others in my mind
- I am tired of giving up on my friends

Yet people who are around me when I think thoughts like that the most... wrote or said the stuff I put in here....

They seem so diametrically opposed... can they really all be opinions about the same person?

The guy who only has so much social energy before he has to disappear?

The guy who just this week, just yesterday got so fed up with a few friends... over something insignificant in the long run, that he just didn't (doesn't) want to deal with them anymore?


How can we be talking about the same guy?



That is why affirmation is so hard to take... but so important.