I find the older I get the more my questions are not answered directly but simply lead to more and deeper questions.
Or just back to the same old questions from before...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
What is healing?
So I have been thinking about this for a little while. What does it mean to be healed?
In scripture we see people told to get up and walk, having sight returned, having leprosy healed. These seem kind of obvious that they are healed. Healing means the ailment they had no longer affects them.
But I am fairly healthy, I have been blessed that way. My only physical issue is moderately poor eyesight and being overweight. I have contact lenses, and have been working on my weight for a while, so those are really non-issues. The place I see myself seeking healing is emotionally.
I am by far not the most emotionally injured person but I have my share from simply being rejected by women on most occasions (varying from gracious No's to the girl not talking to me for 3 months), being the fat kid in middle school and getting picked on and disregarded, April 16th (was not in the building but close enough), to things I recently decided should not be placed on the Internet (though I am more and more willing to talk about them).
So I began asking what healing means...
Does it mean having no greater reaction to seeing/ hearing similar things to what has hurt me that others?
Does it mean defining myself by what has happened to and around me?
Does it mean forgetting?
Does it mean fighting against others feeling what I have felt?
Does it mean having someone with some expensive degree say I am fine?
Does it mean proclaiming to the world all that has happened then moving forward?
If I have a broken leg and it heals I can see the healing... what about this?
When I hear of a shooting in a place I have a connection to it hurts deeply. When I get an email from VT Alerts, my heart sinks. But I don't fall apart.
I saw parts of a video about 2 women who were abused as children by their family friend. His name was 'Alan.' Besides that, I felt a deep pain and anger about that story. It was not a distant person or a movie... it was very near me. But I still could function and talk and serve that day.
These two instances are why I wonder what healing means.
I do not want to become numb!!! I don't want to make jokes when I hear of yet another murder in my town, city, school, anywhere. I don't want to dismiss peoples pain... I want to feel the pain of those my Heavenly Father loves and has or desires to show himself to.
I ask myself and God what healing means, because for awhile I thought it was forgetting or having no greater emotional connection to other events that those who have not experienced what I have.
But the idea of numbing myself to that pain, seems so wrong. I want to be able to empathize, I want to be unable to ignore injustice because I feel it.
So again I wonder what is healing?
The closest thing I am aware of in Scripture about this is Jesus healing the leper.
Mark 1:40-45
I will only quote two verse here, verse 41 and 42 (NIV, emphasis mine)
"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. "
Jesus took the step to touch the man with leprosy, a man not touched in years. I am convinced that this is to grant him emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical healing.
I wish I knew how this man lived his life past that point... perhaps that might indicate what emotional healing looks like. Did he move forward forgetting the past? Did he work to help those around the town who still have leprosy? What? All Mark says is that rather than keeping quiet as Jesus instructed him he told all the town.
I think feeling the pain of others is good, that it is not an indication of not being or receiving healing. But the 16th is an assumption as long as I live in Blacksburg, not when I leave. So with that and other things I still wonder...
How do I let you redeem the brokenness in and around me God?
How to I use what I have experienced to encourage Your children?
How do I understand how all the brokenness I still feel fits into the idea of being a new creation in You? How can I explain that to others?
In scripture we see people told to get up and walk, having sight returned, having leprosy healed. These seem kind of obvious that they are healed. Healing means the ailment they had no longer affects them.
But I am fairly healthy, I have been blessed that way. My only physical issue is moderately poor eyesight and being overweight. I have contact lenses, and have been working on my weight for a while, so those are really non-issues. The place I see myself seeking healing is emotionally.
I am by far not the most emotionally injured person but I have my share from simply being rejected by women on most occasions (varying from gracious No's to the girl not talking to me for 3 months), being the fat kid in middle school and getting picked on and disregarded, April 16th (was not in the building but close enough), to things I recently decided should not be placed on the Internet (though I am more and more willing to talk about them).
So I began asking what healing means...
Does it mean having no greater reaction to seeing/ hearing similar things to what has hurt me that others?
Does it mean defining myself by what has happened to and around me?
Does it mean forgetting?
Does it mean fighting against others feeling what I have felt?
Does it mean having someone with some expensive degree say I am fine?
Does it mean proclaiming to the world all that has happened then moving forward?
If I have a broken leg and it heals I can see the healing... what about this?
When I hear of a shooting in a place I have a connection to it hurts deeply. When I get an email from VT Alerts, my heart sinks. But I don't fall apart.
I saw parts of a video about 2 women who were abused as children by their family friend. His name was 'Alan.' Besides that, I felt a deep pain and anger about that story. It was not a distant person or a movie... it was very near me. But I still could function and talk and serve that day.
These two instances are why I wonder what healing means.
I do not want to become numb!!! I don't want to make jokes when I hear of yet another murder in my town, city, school, anywhere. I don't want to dismiss peoples pain... I want to feel the pain of those my Heavenly Father loves and has or desires to show himself to.
I ask myself and God what healing means, because for awhile I thought it was forgetting or having no greater emotional connection to other events that those who have not experienced what I have.
But the idea of numbing myself to that pain, seems so wrong. I want to be able to empathize, I want to be unable to ignore injustice because I feel it.
So again I wonder what is healing?
The closest thing I am aware of in Scripture about this is Jesus healing the leper.
Mark 1:40-45
I will only quote two verse here, verse 41 and 42 (NIV, emphasis mine)
"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. "
Jesus took the step to touch the man with leprosy, a man not touched in years. I am convinced that this is to grant him emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical healing.
I wish I knew how this man lived his life past that point... perhaps that might indicate what emotional healing looks like. Did he move forward forgetting the past? Did he work to help those around the town who still have leprosy? What? All Mark says is that rather than keeping quiet as Jesus instructed him he told all the town.
I think feeling the pain of others is good, that it is not an indication of not being or receiving healing. But the 16th is an assumption as long as I live in Blacksburg, not when I leave. So with that and other things I still wonder...
How do I let you redeem the brokenness in and around me God?
How to I use what I have experienced to encourage Your children?
How do I understand how all the brokenness I still feel fits into the idea of being a new creation in You? How can I explain that to others?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Why I Must Leave
So even as recently as last May I was still convinced I would never want to leave Blacksburg. It is a great town. I have loved my time here. There is no way I would be the man I am without being her now. Of this I am sure.
But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.
I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.
I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.
1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.
2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.
3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?
So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.
Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.
These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.
Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!
And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!
But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.
I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.
I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.
1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.
2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.
3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?
So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.
Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.
These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.
Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!
And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Desire to be Wanted
It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.
I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.
On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.
I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.
So now what?
I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.
I have had none of this directed to me individually.
I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.
A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.
I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.
I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.
Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.
Eh, such is life.
I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.
And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.
How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?
How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?
I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...
Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...
Deuteronomy 6:4-5
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.
I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...
God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.
I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.
On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.
I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.
So now what?
I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.
I have had none of this directed to me individually.
I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.
A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.
I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.
I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.
Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.
Eh, such is life.
I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.
And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.
How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?
How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?
I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...
Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...
Deuteronomy 6:4-5
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.
I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...
God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13 (ESV)
_________________
I feel like I am calling out this Psalm every time something happens here...
It is amazing how easily I forget the last 2 verses in my cry to my Father.
I go from rejoicing in the blessings He has given me and us, or complacency in them to...
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget Virginia Tech forever?
How long will you hide your face from us?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV, bold my edits)
I am torn between wanting to feel this pain and confusion because it reminds me to rely on God.
And wanting to be impervious so I can stand in times like this.
Right now I can barely stand, let alone care for those God has put in my life adequately... how easily I forget who is in control.
I am not big enough to stop these things from happening, I am not big enough to comfort my friends as they need...
that kills me...
But God is, and he is at work through me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness!! (2 Cor 12:9)
Father as I feel like Psalm 13 describes my feelings, please help me to get to the last two verses.
_______________________
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13 (ESV)
_________________
I feel like I am calling out this Psalm every time something happens here...
It is amazing how easily I forget the last 2 verses in my cry to my Father.
I go from rejoicing in the blessings He has given me and us, or complacency in them to...
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget Virginia Tech forever?
How long will you hide your face from us?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV, bold my edits)
I am torn between wanting to feel this pain and confusion because it reminds me to rely on God.
And wanting to be impervious so I can stand in times like this.
Right now I can barely stand, let alone care for those God has put in my life adequately... how easily I forget who is in control.
I am not big enough to stop these things from happening, I am not big enough to comfort my friends as they need...
that kills me...
But God is, and he is at work through me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness!! (2 Cor 12:9)
Father as I feel like Psalm 13 describes my feelings, please help me to get to the last two verses.
_______________________
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Why?
Why does this stuff keep happening to my school???
I am so tired of getting text messages, phone calls, emails, and seeing things posted on the VT homepage.
I am tried of calling my mother to tell her I am ok.
I am tired of trying to help others make sense of what is going on.
This world is so broken.
God please help me not to loose heart.
I am so tired of getting text messages, phone calls, emails, and seeing things posted on the VT homepage.
I am tried of calling my mother to tell her I am ok.
I am tired of trying to help others make sense of what is going on.
This world is so broken.
God please help me not to loose heart.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I feel lost in the woods
I'll post more once I have some time to work through this more, part of why I am headed out of Richmond later today a week early for class to take some time alone and with God.
I have no idea what is going on...
I have no idea what I want or should do when I graduate.
I am not even sure what to be up to when I get back to campus.
Over the last few months I have let my relationship with God wane a bit.
I have been spending time with him, just not the amount I need to.
The difference between now and a few weeks ago?
I have no vision...
I was on leadership with IV at Virginia Tech, I knew how to do that. I knew what to do.
I was ignoring the fact that I have a lot of choices and decisions that need to be made soon.
There are things I wanted to do with this 'free' semester, but at the moment I feel lost.
This next week is needed, I need to spend some time with an old friend, who has been waiting to hang out.
Hopefully I can start finding my way out of the woods soon.
I really hate this feeling of floating around without direction.
It would be awesome if God sent more angels to just say "do this."
But in the end this season will be good for me and deepen my relationship with God.
It just is not fun.
I have no idea what is going on...
I have no idea what I want or should do when I graduate.
I am not even sure what to be up to when I get back to campus.
Over the last few months I have let my relationship with God wane a bit.
I have been spending time with him, just not the amount I need to.
The difference between now and a few weeks ago?
I have no vision...
I was on leadership with IV at Virginia Tech, I knew how to do that. I knew what to do.
I was ignoring the fact that I have a lot of choices and decisions that need to be made soon.
There are things I wanted to do with this 'free' semester, but at the moment I feel lost.
This next week is needed, I need to spend some time with an old friend, who has been waiting to hang out.
Hopefully I can start finding my way out of the woods soon.
I really hate this feeling of floating around without direction.
It would be awesome if God sent more angels to just say "do this."
But in the end this season will be good for me and deepen my relationship with God.
It just is not fun.
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