Catching Up

So I have not posted much recently. That is mostly for lack of writing. I do have a new blog that is more geared to my musings and growth in the working world with less emphasis on the overtly spiritual (just ask if you want to know where it is). I intend to keep posting here in the coming months as I would like a place to get feedback and encourage people most specifically relating to my faith.

The other reason posts have been lacking is that I have completely lost my balance lately. I have not found a church home, but honestly I have been to bust to look. And with moving, traveling, and laziness I have let my quiet times and personal time with God become erratic and inconsistent.

So over the next few weeks I will be working to get my schedule back on track and to find a place to call home.

That will be interesting; unlike those that are completely cut off from their college communities I could still go if I wanted, it will be right down the road in a few weeks. However I know that is no longer where I am to be for my community.

I hope soon I can support that community as an outsider and an alumni, but it will be weird being close enough to a community I love and yet knowing I must find another.

Prayer would be appreciated as I seek a new community and seek to get my relationship with God back on track.

Long overdue post

So I am looking to start a new blog and run them simultaneously. This will stay under my name and be about my walk with God and the other will be more about my professional development and some of the projects I am working on to have fun and adjust out of the college life, but I will be posting to that blog under a pseudonym. I am just debating on name, but I am excited about that.

I have not felt like I have been growing all the much recently. But I think that is a bit of a misconception on my part.

I have been forced to trust. Forced to realize quite plainly that God makes absolutely no sense sometimes but he is caring for me none the less.

I have been dating an awesome woman of God for about two months now and that is pushing me in so many ways. Most importantly and obviously at this point is my selfishness. I have seen a completely new level of selfcenteredness arise in me through my interactions with her.

And I cannot forget to mention Rockbridge. I took the Kingdom Living track. Nothing was earth shattering but it was a good reminder about many of the things I have learned over the last few years that I care about that I have not thought of in a while.

The other point from Rockbridge worth mentioning is some straight up weird stuff happened. I saw on two consecutive nights brothers in Christ become 'filled with the Holy Spirit.' I use quotes not because I doubt that they were but because I have never seen anything like it. One has had deep scars from his early college career that he has not been able to move past and I saw the beginnings of healing and joy in him again. And the other had pain from loosing a friend and almost losing several others in a car wreck of sorts. The first seemed to think his situation was almost permanent then after praying with and over him he started to cry and laugh and shake... he spoke words of love and seemed almost drunk... IN AN INSTANT. The second went from yelling to try to express his emotions of anger and guilt (false guilt but guilt none the less... meaning he did nothing wrong) and anger with God to crying, laughing, and speaking love over those he came to... again in an instant.

He told me and one other guy God had big things planned for us... not the most enlightening sentiment but encouraging and needed. He also told me "You know you could be a pastor if you wanted to right?" That comment is a bit more deep and interesting. I hear that is what more charismatic denominations call prophecy... but I am not completely sure how to take it still.

If you are interested or care to keep me to my word here are my goals for the next few weeks/ summer:
- Check out Dwelling Place (local church that is a bit more charismatic)
- Meet with one of my Sisters in Christ who knows a good deal more about these kind of experiences
- Have daily quiet times (scripture and prayer)
- Actually do my investigation of the Name of God
- Find a church to become a member of
- Seek God's guidance more and more in my relationship with my girlfriend, learning to love her as much like God does as I am able
- Work on expressing what God puts on my heart in a concise manner

Thank you God for reminding me of what you have taught me in the past, showing me you are present and active in those I care about, and giving me more than I deserve.

Lots and Nothing to Think about All at the Same Time

So for a while I have felt off.

Life is going fairly well, I am finishing college, I have a girlfriend for the first time in years (and she is pretty awesome), I am applying to jobs waiting to hear back from one where the interview went well and applying to others, and I have friends.

There are also several potential projects that would provide new avenues for my creativity and gifts to shine through and develop.

But I have not had a passion in a while. No burning topic in the temporal or the spiritual that is captivating my attention.

While I have so much to learn about so many things I do not have that issue or topic that I care about.

Even my desire to work out what it means to have vision for myself, life and others has grown dull.

There is an exciting new chapter opening and an awesome chapter closing in my life right now...

I want passion and a topic or two that I am well versed in.

This blog may be redirected, left alone with the start of a second, or killed in favor of a second depending on what I choose to do.

This Blog was always for my close friends that wanted to know what I was up to as I struggled and worked through life. And I think overall it has done that.

But either I am going to fall away into obscurity or find the path I want to run down in my development as a person and as a child of God.

I hope for the latter.

2 Years Later

It has been 2 years since April 16th 2007...

that is about all I can say, my emotions are all messed up, but I did not want this day to go unmarked on my blog.

Wait... WHAT?!?!?!

So this week has been crazy. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of a while, at least in this small of a space.

The last few weeks I have finally started to see something come out of my prayers and times in scripture, not HUGE things, but little insights that have helped direct me and encourage me.

This week has put me in a position I did not expect on so many levels. I cannot explain in this post on the inter-tubes right now... but I got nothing.

Nothing that makes me worthy of the good things from this week.

Nothing that I can use to explain or push aside the negative things.

Nothing that I can use to take full control of my job search (the location of the negatives) or the rest of my life.

At the moment I am in a precarious position where if God is not with me, granting me wisdom and strength, I will fail.

The easiest way to describe this week is a combination and rapid succession of both positive and negative events and situations where the only thing I can think to do is cling to God.

God I pray that my eyes and heart are open to you and your guidance and mercy in my life...

cause on my own I've got nothing.

Selfishness

So I was sitting in the back of 180 as is my custom since I was a freshman. Nothing really on my mind, then a freshman got up from where he was,sat down and said I was on his heart and asked if he could pray for me. I told him there was nothing, which was not a lie but not really trying to think or express myself either.

So I sat there and I praying, but it was fairly general stuff in my head. And it occurred to me that I have not felt 'someone was laid on my heart' for some time.

I am in a time of transition and when I am in times like this I tend to withdraw. I am not in control, I do not know what to do to honor God, my friends, or myself. It is a double edged sword. Someone like me who has the memories and past of being ignored or just not sought out by friends I still have a hard time feeling completely alone when I am not part of the group. I have gotten better about it, and with me leaving and not being at VT next year I honestly also love seeing my friends hang out with and enjoy others. I enjoyed that before, but more so now that I am leaving. It helps me feel like they will be taken care of once I leave. But it also makes me feel like an outsider in my head long before my time to go.

And from that paragraph and other posts recently the conclusion that came to me might become clear. I have become incredibly self-centered. Here is an example of my prayers for the last few months:

- God, how do I end my time at VT well?
- God, how can I honor you today?
- God, what will I be doing after I graduate?
- God, where will my next step take me?
- God, where should I look or what should I do to find a job?
- God, how do I love my friends well?
- God, how do I figure out how to interact with my friends since I am leaving?
- God, please give me wisdom.
- God, please show me how you will help me with my goals.
- God, how do I love/ interact with X? (specific friends)

Even in my desire to do things for others my prayer is about me.

I find myself feeling out of place easy. Getting frustrated with friends that are going through hard times and not talking to me about it.

Something about this time feels off from times I have felt like I was in a good relationship with God. And even now God is still using me to care for people and help them come to a better understanding of God. Like I say something that is an epiphany for them but I still feel like just some guy.

I want my focus to be on God and the things of his kingdom. I want loving my friends to be something I think/ feel like I do well, not something I feel I am failing at.

But this time it seems like I can only think in terms of I or me.

God please help me see how to live out the life you have given me. To be able to enjoy my relationships and live out the Gospel in everything I do.

Injustice and Justice

So recently in IV or NLCF, I can't remember which; they were discussing justice, God's Justice. And they used an interesting definition of injustice.

Injustice is taking something from someone who has no ability to keep you (or the doer of injustice) from doing so, or being able to reclaim what was taken.

They explained it for different groups,

Sex Slaves - their sexuality meant to be shared with the person of their choosing is taken from them and abused on a daily basis, they cannot stop it or fight back.

Homeless/ Hungry - regardless of how they got there, they are unable to earn money or keep food or possessions for themselves and so often if something is taken from them they are ignored.

I think of the entire movie "Slumdog Millionaire." He constantly has anything good taken from him by others, sometimes strangers and even his own brother. The entire movie he has no recourse. The point from the talk is that we as a body are about restoring humanity and justice to people. That we should use our gifts of money, time, education, power, etc to stand for those that cannot. When I think of how if anyone took something from me or did something to me how between who I am, my money, and my connections to others with standing and more money... I will get justice....

I agree whatever my career looks like I want to be about living generously, helping others stand, showing them the respect and love God has for them and this world should have for them. But I was thinking.... using that definition we need to be careful. It is not perfect of course, but there is a side missed. I am a fan of small government. There is an old saying...

"Capitalism is unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is equal distribution of poverty, and communism is socialism with a gun to your back."

This person is obviously not a fan of communism... but how does government work? It has guns and jails to ensure you follow their rules.

So is it right as Christians to fight for social programs from the government?

How are they paid for? Taxes, taking from those who have no ability to keep you from taking from them or able to get it back.

Yeah usually the argument is that "They have enough." or "They got that money BY exploiting people it is only right to return it by taking it from them!"

I think many social and racial issues can be solved by fixing the government or ever ambiguous "System" we refer to.

But my hesitation so many times I speak with friend, brothers and sisters with God about Justice is the solution almost always is Government Program X, Y, or Z getting more money.

More money for Schools!!!! When the best systems in this country spend far less per student than the worst.

More Welfare Money!!!! When it has such a history of abuse.

Not that I do not want to see Schools improve or people be supported and find work. I do, I know God does. I just think we as Christians need to think very carefully before we get in bed with the Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, the United Way, etc.

So I ask, can you solve bring Justice to others through unjust means?

Social reconciliation... we need this too, and I see others and even myself become turned off to supporting groups and projects every day when they start saying the Government needs to take from the rich, and take care of the poor... loosing much of the money on the way.

I want to be about heart change, leading myself, my future family, and others to living lives that a generous, not insulating ourselves from pain and poverty through the government and charities... not by giving my money so some political party can have people thank them, glorify them, when it is God who should be praised...

As I write this I have passed by 2 homeless men at different times in the last 7 days. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on... but there are my 2 cents.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

I didn't see, when I was thirsty you lobbied Congress and they gave me cash... but feel free to disagree with me, most do. But I thought it was worthy of being said.