Christmas

It has been a long week or so. I am just totally exhausted, I find myself sleeping, eating, doing various chores, or playing Phoenix Wright (it is a good game). But I am still not focused on God like I would like.

Ironic being this is the time of Advent.

I was rereading John today, and just remembering that I actually have a reason to struggle, even if all other reasons for my faith seem to fade.

I used to think this time of year was completely dumb. That Easter should be big, who cares about his birth, all it is is something required for him to do the rest. But this is equally important, as I have seen in the last few years.

His birth was a huge act of sacrifice. Not quite as big as having God temporarily turn his face away from him as happened on the cross, but still. Jesus went from being God and with God, to being a child born to a common if not poor family. He was still God but he gave up his splendor in almost its entirety to become on of his creations. He entered into creation and his own dearly loved creations did not recognize him as John says.

He went from the top of the universe, but even higher, the creator and sustainer of the universe, and now he was hungry, thirsty, and had to rely on others.

That act was the one the bridged the gap from God to man, that step is what he builds upon for our salvation. His birth is not merely a required state in order for the later ones, it is the foundation, God coming to us to rebuild the relationship we broke.

God loving us enough to be the one to have to humble himself, not making us come to him, but making the way for us.

His birth brings hope into this world.

That hope is why we struggle, we know there is better for us, we are not resigned to the way things are. We can accurately see the brokenness in the world and in ourselves. But that hope frees us to move forward.

When life is hard, I CAN struggle because of what Jesus did at his birth. I can wrestle with the view I have of myself. I can wrestle with what I want my life to look at, and I can face my past. All because of the hope of who God created me to be, the hope in the fact that He has a purpose and is doing a work in me he will take to completion.

Merry Christmas, and Thank you so much for sticking with me.

I do not deserve a God like you... God.

I do not deserve friends like you... those who are reading this and those who will never read this.

Those are some of the greatest gifts I will ever be given.

Affirmation is Hard to Take

So it is the end of my last Fall Semester as an undergraduate student.

That is hard to take in, this has been my life for so long and so many things have been culminating in events in these years it is hard to think of leaving, but the closer I get the more I see it is just about time.

So with the end of the semester comes the end of my term on Vision Team (Coordinating or Exec for you other IV Chapters). I have been one of the Small Group Coordinators for 2 years. In about a week I will go from knowing what is going on and directing and trying to cast and cultivate vision to having no clue what is going on and just being along for the ride. Next semester will be my 3rd of 10 semesters no on some sort of leadership...

Last week at our last VTeam meeting we did affirmations of each other on the team. I was ready to go, one way I have been growing is speaking my mind quicker, and there were a lot of things I wanted to affirm in my teammates that were long past due...

They picked me first...

I am going to share what they said, not to brag but so you can see my dissonance.

- Several mentioned that I have "Spiritual Maturity"
- My heart for SGLs and working to see them grow
- the fact that people in the chapter follow me and I have used that to push them in positive directions
- That I have been around and know how the chapter has gone and works

others were mentioned but these stood out to me... I kept thinking of "Yeah but..."s to all of these...

- My heart grew due to others influences on me and being able to partner with them to care for our Leaders
- I have seen that people respect me and follow me, I don't quite understand it, but the "things" I did with that, really? The leaders put in all the work; I don't even think I challenged them well.
- thinking I know how the chapter runs is one of the things that has caused the most tension between me and staff this year, is that really a benefit?
- And "Spiritual Maturity"???? Really? All the stupid crap I have done, and you use that term to describe me?

It especially was surprising hearing some of these things from my Staff, I have been unsure of how they have viewed me all year. I have been under the impression that my actions and opinions have made me a royal pain in their sides. It was good to see that wasn't all I did this year.

Then we had the last SG of the semester in the on campus SG I go to. And the leaders had us send them affirmations about everyone else and they compiled them so they would be anonymous.

- Incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, earnestly cares, strong in his faith, insightful (several times), respectable, willing to listen

then the two that hit me the hardest:

- You are one of the wisest people I know. Don't doubt yourself. (I kind of want to know who wrote that)

- I am overly thankful for Allen. He's impacted my life so much in the short time I've been here, and I just enjoy hanging with him. Plus, he has a Greek Bible.

Again, I am posting these because I don't deserve any of these words.

Especially the last one, I know who wrote that, and I had honestly felt that I was wasting his time. I was not as focused or prepared for Discipleship as I wanted to be.

As a close brother of mine recently said, "We are our own worst critics." He is an artist, he should know.

All I see is how I have failed so often.

- I am not prepared
- I am talking to much
- I am betraying they're trust
- I feel like I want to run away
- I can't believe I said that!
- I only think about myself
- I have so much room to grow
- WHY ARN'T I PERFECT YET??!?!?!?
- I just want to stop letting people down or hurting them
- I keep failing
- I am tired of losing
- I am tired of judging others in my mind
- I am tired of giving up on my friends

Yet people who are around me when I think thoughts like that the most... wrote or said the stuff I put in here....

They seem so diametrically opposed... can they really all be opinions about the same person?

The guy who only has so much social energy before he has to disappear?

The guy who just this week, just yesterday got so fed up with a few friends... over something insignificant in the long run, that he just didn't (doesn't) want to deal with them anymore?


How can we be talking about the same guy?



That is why affirmation is so hard to take... but so important.

Heat... hmmmm

So this is going to be legitimately short. But it is snowing today in Blacksburg, and I love it. I love Winter. But it is a bit cold in my apartment... so I turned on our heaters.

I have several Jackets to choose from, one that is ready to go with my winter golves, hat, and facemask.

I so easily forget how much of a blessing that is just to have those things...

Thanks God.

Please help me never to forget about all the blessings I have, that I have money, that I have credit to be billed later for my electricity, that I have my own place and car.

Wow.

My Life is one big Paradox

I have enjoyed confidence and contentment that I am not sure I have ever known over the last few weeks.

Yet there are things I want or need to do that I hesitate to do.

The Question "What do I need to do in this situation (relationship, idea, etc.) to honor God?" both clarifies everything and doesn't.

It is so hard to tell the difference between wisdom and fear when it is a debate in acting or not when unsure of the outcome of if the action is even necessary.

I need to live a life without fear, and yet i don't want to hurt people just to live out my life without fear... which one is honoring God... is there a way to live without fear, honor God, and not hurt people?

On one hand I honestly and accurately say life is good and I am happy, on the other there are many things up in the air that I am unsure how to deal with or fix.

This seems like a welcome to life type thing, but it is also incredibly confusing.

Also the idea of Graduating in May... incredibly scary and sad, and very encouraging and exciting.

Thank the Lord I have a Father who knows how to give good gifts, and desires me to grow and has a place prepared for me...

a place I am going...

and a place I already am. (Colossians 3)

hmmmm.

Reminders in Discipleship

It is really cool when you bring something to share with a younger student and it is what you need to hear.

I have been asking one of my guys to consider three questions:

1. Who is God?
2. Who am I?
3. What am I here to do?

Those questions should be read as if you or he are asking them, not asking him about me.

And so I planned to discuss 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. This occurs after Paul is discussing sexual immorality in the Church, but I find it's impacts to go further.

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (ESV)

We started to discuss this verses implications for the three questions. And came down to a few questions we both needed to consider this week...

- What would it look like if we truly believed our bodies were the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- What would it look like if we lived like we were not our own, but were God's?

I need to be reminded of these things often, I do not do either well. Thanks God.

I'm Content with Losing

Besides being an Underoath song, it is a good phrase to describe me. Check out the lyrics here.

I need to preface this post with the obligatory "I am not suicidal" statement (cause people always ask when I make a post that is at all depressing) but this is something I have been struggling with over the last few years and still am struggling with.

I feel I have Joy in the Lord, I feel it, and a few people have commented on a peace about me in different points in my life.

But I am rarely happy for a long period of time. My happiness is extremely fleeting. It comes and goes about as quickly as a smile or a look.

I will take an event or a relationship or a position and make it a source of happiness. And I will enjoy it for a while, but once I hit the point where I can take a step and see if that thing will truly be more, something that helps me grow and builds into long term happiness and joy or if the extra attention I am giving it is wasted, I back off and find ways to doubt.

Ways to doubt myself, that thing or person, that situation until that happiness turns to concern and worry.

Or I have a chance to take a stand up or do something that I feel needs to happen. I will generally doubt that I need to do anything, or that I should. Nothing happens and I add fuel to my future doubts.

I prefer to feel struggle and pain to happiness. Not that I really do, but my actions tend that way, almost every time I have a risk a choice before me I chose to do nothing, to let the chance pass. I would rather miss something than fail.... but in the end I still lose.

But that is not living out a passionate life, one striving after God.

I quote this verse regularly (Matt 6:25-34) to others to help them live in the freedom Jesus gives us, and I keep myself locked in by my fear, because I am used to it, I am content in my discontentment.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (1 Cor 5:17, NIV)

It is time I gave up my fear, and my contentment with losing and being discontent and lived like the man of God that I am now... a man that can stand in the face of sin and fear in the power of Christ.


A man that goes not by names given by the enemy or his own flesh but...

by the name(s) God gave him...

Desirable, My Child, Enough.

Added 10/23/08:
It is hard to believe that for long when just about every time I take a chance with anything... I fail. Part of me thinks that at least losing only hurts me. Why are lies so much easier to believe than truth?

I am not Strong enough

So I have felt really weak lately. Odd because I have lost 20 some pounds since May and my body is stronger than it has been in years.

But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.

And I can't do anything.

There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.

I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.

That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...

But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.

God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.