Rereading Genesis

In my last post I mentioned how friend said my story reminded him of the curse that came from the fall.

I was reading Genesis again, it felt like it might apply after that discussion.

Genesis 3: 8

God was walking through the garden looking for them but out of shame they hid. That hits really hard.

The last few months I have had a hard time feeling or hearing God. I have heard him in the past, but not recently.

A tear actually came to my eye when I read this. I feel so distant from Him at times, yet even having his presence walk with them in the garden they still felt he was holding out on them.

We still thought we knew better.

It is so easy to try to blame not feeling God for having difficulty listening and following Him.

The issue is much deeper than that it seems.

Work

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and
ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'

"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3: 17-19

I was recounting my feelings and thoughts from when I was still working to a friend. His response:

"I have never heard anyone so clearly articulate the effects of the curse in their own experience before."

So I went back and read some Genesis.

I believe three factors were at work with my last work experience.

1. Lack of perspective on work
2. Lack of alignment between who I am and my occupation
3. An increasingly negative work environment

I found myself returning to old patterns.

Isolation.
Disdain for myself.
Feeling hopeless. Worthless.

I woke up every day and did my job. But whether I worked hard or slacked off at the end of the day I felt like I had wasted my day.

Like I have spent all day in bed or in front of the TV. That lethargic feeling accompanied by regret.

So I forgot how to rest. When I was at work I tried to work. When at home I tried to do things that would make my day feel like something was accomplished.

Over time I just wanted to go to bed after work and do nothing.

Physically I was growing weaker from a lack of exercise or work.. but I was never physically tired. Mentally I was worn down, tired... but felt no accomplishment.

Unsure how to explain my situation and ashamed that I was not moving forward and that I had no vision, no goal I began to isolate myself. People important to me became those to avoid. I just didn't know how to answer the questions...

"How is work?"

"What do you do?"

"What are you up to?"

Each would be answered, but inside I felt like I did nothing. That I had no purpose. And I didn't even get the benefit of sleeping in or watching TV all day. I was doing work that could be done by a script.

I felt like my legacy was becoming the guy who lived alone, hating life, doing things a computer should do.

That is why I left.

I am ok with individual tasks being toil. But with nothing to work towards, not impact being made from the work (besides reducing the IT budget for a few months), I see no point.

Trusting God?

Ironically I was tasked lately with planning for Home-group on the topic of work. I say ironically because I am unemployed.

I wanted to lead on a section of Ecclesiastes. I liked the idea of talking about seasons. How there is a time for everything, and at times the time to not do something. I am usually not a fan of this concept in the moment. I want to be in control, I want everything to just be awesome. When I look back on the other hand I am glad for seasons. For times of learning specific things.

As I tried to prepare this discussion I kept being drawn to Matthew 25. This is the three part parable about what the kingdom of God is like: the 10 virgins awaiting the bridegroom, the master who goes on a long journey (parable of the talents), and the goats and sheep.

The middle section is commonly called the parable of the talents and is about a master who is leaving on a long journey. It is long enough that he must leave his servants in charge of his affairs, I imagine that if it was shorter he could afford to wait or just let things be. He entrusts five talents to one servant, two to the next and one to the last. He leave and on his return calls the servants to account for themselves. We see that the first two took their money and were each able to engage in trade to double their money, the master is overjoyed and invites the servants to celebrate with him; he also promises to give them more responsibility and money. The last, entrusted with only one talent, was afraid of the master so he buried the money and returned the same amount to the master. This is seen as an insult by the master, the servant is stripped of the one talent and kicked out of the house.

I did a little math. According to the footnotes in my Bible a talent is worth about 20 years wages for a laborer. For an estimation I assumed that a laborer would be someone who only makes minimum wage, works a normal 40 hour work week but does not get vacation (works 52 weeks a year). That gave me about $300,000 per talent. So reworded:

The master is leaving on a long journey. He entrusts on servant with $1.5M, one with $600k and one with $300k; each according to his ability. He then leaves.

This is the place I want to focus. I feel like this is where I am. I am not sure if I am the servant with the ability to be entrusted with $1.5M or $300k, but I am one of them. God has entrusted me with something and I want to hand it back to him with more in the end.

If I am honest with myself I am most like the servant who buried the money at the moment. I am terrified. I am scared of making a mistake.

What if I am 4th servant, the one not in the story that lost all his money?

Or worse, what if I succeed?

Both are scary thoughts. I want to just hand my one talent back the God and say "It is too hard, I am scared."

"You overestimate my ability."

But I do want to do something. I want to be a light, to serve others and be a part of bringing the kingdom into people's lives.

It is just so easy to let the fear of both success and failure to rule me.

The story just says that in the end the servants had double their money. It doesn't discuss how many times the lost money or had to start over in a new trading method or location.

They were rewarded because the master knew what they were capable of handling, gave that to them and they responded.

When I put it that way it feels much more manageable!

So at the end of the day, do I trust God to know me well enough to give me the right resources and opportunities?

Piece of Wood

My people inquire of a piece of wood,
and their walking staff gives them oracles.
For a spirit of whoredom has led them astray,
and they have left their God to play the whore.
Hosea 4:12 ESV

Last week I randomly turned to Hosea, and since we are studying that on Sunday morning at nlcf, I decided to read it next.

As I was reading I could not get past this verse. More specifically I could not get past "My people inquire of a piece of wood." I could be wrong, but in that line I sense frustration and pain.

God's people who have the privilege and right granted through Jesus to approach his throne to worship and petition him have turned to a piece of wood. Not even a man or a beast, but a piece of word.

None of those would be ok, but comparing the Lord of the universe or ANY king for that matter to a piece of wood seems laughably idiotic. The God who has given his people great promises to support and love them and performed many signs is being ignored...

FOR A PIECE OF WOOD!!!

How often do we do that in our lives? I know that has been a struggle of mine lately. Not that I have put any one thing over God, but... well maybe I have. I have been putting convenience and ease before him.

It is so much easier to throw myself into school or work or even into depression that it is to take bold steps to follow him.

I do not want to stop here. Along with this I have been thinking about the many things we as people do that to a lesser degree look like comparing God to a piece of wood.

- The guy plays a video game rather than making/ seeing his friends.
- The guy that looks at explicit websites when his wife is in the other room.
- The girl that watches romance movies alone rather than building her relationship.
- The freshman who gets drunk every weekend because they hate their life rather than doing something to change it.

Then there is me who found it easier to embrace self doubt and fear for trust and faith.

These are all replacing something amazing for something that is easier and ultimately does not meet the need we are trying to fill with it.

Right now self-doubt is my piece of wood that I go to when I should be going to God. I am safe there, I can't screw up and I can't fail. But that is not my goal, that is my fear. Much like Israel in this book, I have felt famine and pain while clinging to this idol. Only recently have I started to hear God again.

So, what is your piece of wood?

And now the non-awkward question: How have you put aside your pieces of wood in the past?

The Path?

I am starting to feel like I am hearing from God again. That is cool.

I am home for spring break (well I don't have a break, but with quitting my job I came home while my brothers had off). On Sunday the pastor was talking about giving, but he started by talking about trusting God. He said "Your direction, not intentions, determine your destination." I think he was on to something. The steps we take move us forward, not just thinking about taking steps. We cannot expect that if our thoughts and actions do not match that we will end up where we want to be.

We each have many paths we travel (relationships, work, finances, etc.) and each one has its own challenges, difficulties and goals. Often I feel a bit overwhelmed by the choices I have to make my own way. I wish God would just give me a step by step guide to life (of course if he did, I would likely try to find ways to do other things).

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I find this to be really encouraging. God knows that we do not have all the understanding or tools to make this life work. We need a guide, we need someone who will make our paths straight. But not only does he recognize that he OFFERS to do that for us. I think this passage is his advice for how to listen and follow him.

We need to offer up our goals and desires to him, he knows what we want and what we need better than we do. He is a good father that gives good gifts.

We need to believe that he knows more that we do and is able to take care of us.

We need to acknowledge him in everything we do. Not just saying "There is a God" but seeking to make him known, to honor him in every step, word and breath.

This lifestyle allows him to come in and make our paths straight, to lead us where he has planned for us to go.

Then this morning I finished Ecclesiastes.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

God is yet again asking us to seek and trust him. He doesn't give us the whole picture, but he promises to make our next step land on solid ground.

But we have to listen and trust.

Easier said than done I know, but I have needed to hear this.

Power

About two weeks ago now, in Home Group, we were looking at Psalm 100.

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!
² Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
³Know that the LORD, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
⁵ For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations. (ESV)

We were going through this passage in a Lectio Divina style so after we finished reading the passage a few times and praying through it the leader asked us to share what word or phrase stood out to us.

As I read and prayed I kept coming back to verse 3. "Know that the LORD, he is God!" The rest of the passage refers to God's goodness and love. But this section reminded me of his power. I believe LORD as it is here is a replacement for God's most holy name in Hebrew (I have not confirmed that), but in this one line we are reminded that he IS the LORD, he IS God.

Both Lord and God if you look them up contain power and authority as attributes that come with that name.

That is the thing I have missed these last few months. I was allowing my work, my tiredness, my fear, and my failures to erode my passion and vision. But most importantly I allowed them to erode me view of God.

I never doubted that He was good, but He slowly became impotent in my circumstances. My prayers shifted from excitement and trust to acknowledging his desire and plan but doubting but understanding that tomorrow would not change, to not praying much at all.

Do you keep calling a friend who remains silent? How long do you cling to a relationship that where the person means well but never does anything?

I hit that point in the last few weeks. I had forgotten that God DOES have the power to make his plans come to fruition. And he will.

Mundane

So today at church the pastor was talking about Exodus, the final talk in a series. Earlier they explained Exodus was a compound word meaning the "way out." Each week they has asked us to consider what we think God is leading us out of, but not to stop there.

God was leading his people out of Egypt into the promised land and into relationship with him. Jim proposed that the Exodus did not end when the Isrealites entered Canaan, but that it is also the journey that God is still leading his children on to this day. Through Jesus God is leading us on the way out, out of sin and death to Him.

He said one thing today that really stuck with me. "The miraculous becomes the mundane in no time."

The story of the Exodus is not one of God taking the quickest path to move his people from Egypt to the promised land. It is a story of God proclaiming his power and intentions to his people and the world. He lead his people on a longer path to Canaan to show them more and more that he loved them and provides for them. And many days all they could do is follow him.

So many times I, and I think we all, say "If only I had a pillar of fire/ smoke to follow." "If only I say the sea part before me to show me the way." We want miracles to guide us... I want them more than ever now that I can't default to the goal that has driven me since I could think rationally "graduate from college."

But God did that for his people and do you see where that got them? No where further than we get with our every day lives and interaction with him. We see in Numbers 13 that the spies that were sent did not believe they could take the land that God had given them.

All of God's miracles and all of the comments from us reading the story saying "Well if I saw THAT I would trust God" did not mean anything. They were scared, as they had every right to be.

Miracles can become mundane. If we could call them at our will we would control God, not the other way around. And miracles or not we all come to the point of making a choice...

"Knowing what I know of God, do I trust him enough to go and do this?"

People who have experienced far more miricles and those who have experienced far fewer have all made this choice. Some said yes, and we remember them as men and women of God. Other said no.

So, what choice do I make? What choice do you make?