So I have felt really weak lately. Odd because I have lost 20 some pounds since May and my body is stronger than it has been in years.
But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.
And I can't do anything.
There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.
I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.
That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...
But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.
God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Not Sure What to Write
I just want to blog... and I have so much to say but am not sure how to say it. Or at the moment what it is.
So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:
- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride
I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.
I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.
But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.
It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.
But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.
As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?
Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.
And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.
So dumb.
It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.
Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.
But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.
God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.
Not that I am perfect mind you.
It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.
Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.
Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.
So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.
It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.
Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.
God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.
But for now where I am at.
So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:
- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride
I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.
I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.
But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.
It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.
But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.
As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?
Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.
And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.
So dumb.
It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.
Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.
But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.
God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.
Not that I am perfect mind you.
It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.
Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.
Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.
So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.
It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.
Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.
God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.
But for now where I am at.
Friday, September 12, 2008
1 Corinthians 1:3-5
This was shared with me recently and really was encouraging to me.
1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Emphasis mine.
Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.
1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Emphasis mine.
Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.
My EMT
This summer I started needing 36 hours of continuing education hours for my EMT. I wanted to keep my EMT, but was not sure if I could do it.
And some of you know how much my EMT has been a blessing and a curse. You can look at my second blog entry to see one instance. It is a source of pride and obligation. An Identity that is not God. It at times is a competing identity with my identity in God.
So I prayed in May... "God if you want me to keep this please open the doors, if not please close all doors, until then I am going to do all I can to get it. I want this to be yours if I keep it."
So I started, online I easily got 24 of my classes after work and such.
Looking for the last 12 I easily found 10 of them.
Several classes were while I was in Italy.
I got back from Italy and one of the last 2 hours I was looking for got moved.
So crap, how am I going to get this. One of my instructors gave me the credit cause I helped him teach that section in his class.
SWEET.
I got all my hours, but it is mid-July.
I went to apply to my squad, and try to get them to agree to sign me off on my EMT once my hours cleared.
They told me I have not ridden enough and they would not accept me back because I was about to go back to school and would not be able to ride... all because by turning 21 I got kicked out of the Junior squad where I was a full member and could go on leave of absence. Nope not this time.
WELL CRAP!!! I have spent so many hours finding and taking classes, I could have slept, read or done any number of things with this time.
Now to keep my EMT I have to retest. The test has two parts a multiple choice section and a practical portion. I am a good test taker so I think the first part is doable, but the practical portion is going to be hard, I had a partner that I had practiced with last time and had been preparing specifically for this for 2 months last time. I don't know if I could pass that part again without more time.
So yet again I started to make peace with not being an EMT come the end of August.
Then I looked into it, if I take the test before I expire I only have to take the written portion.
Sweet, I can do that.
But there are only two dates I can make the test... 1 the day before I need to be back in Blacksburg in Richmond and 1 the Saturday before classes start in Roanoke.
The second would be during NSO, that would suck... but I am not sure I'll get my letter in time for signing up for the test. I need it in 5 days, and my last few hours have not shown up.
So I emailed the Office of EMS asking about it.
I call my Instructor for those last two classes, she knows the guy at the OEMS and will take up my hours personally in 2 days.
I called ODEMSA (the local EMS Alliance that runs the test site). They said since I only have to take the written part I have until 3 days before the test, that give me like another week!!!
Then I get an email from the OEMS guy and he called mt Instructor got my hours in the system and will email a copy of my letter to me and CC the test site by tomorrow or the next day!!!!
WOW. Now I have to study.
I am confident I can save someones life, but these details are hard to keep straight, for a test atleast.
I took the test, ironically the class I was working with (for my CEUs I helped the Instructor teach) was testing that day.
The test was hard, I had answers but never quite the same as my wording or thought process.
So for the third or fourth time I was preparing myself to not be an EMT.
Before classes started I got a call from my family... I passed.
I don't think it translated well here, but I kept having doors shut, nothing open, then right when I would hit the now or never point, a door would open that I could step through. Like a continuous process trying to break my EMT away from being an identity of mine and move it to an aspect of me, something nolonger competeing with God, but subservient to him.
Lets hope it stays that way.
And some of you know how much my EMT has been a blessing and a curse. You can look at my second blog entry to see one instance. It is a source of pride and obligation. An Identity that is not God. It at times is a competing identity with my identity in God.
So I prayed in May... "God if you want me to keep this please open the doors, if not please close all doors, until then I am going to do all I can to get it. I want this to be yours if I keep it."
So I started, online I easily got 24 of my classes after work and such.
Looking for the last 12 I easily found 10 of them.
Several classes were while I was in Italy.
I got back from Italy and one of the last 2 hours I was looking for got moved.
So crap, how am I going to get this. One of my instructors gave me the credit cause I helped him teach that section in his class.
SWEET.
I got all my hours, but it is mid-July.
I went to apply to my squad, and try to get them to agree to sign me off on my EMT once my hours cleared.
They told me I have not ridden enough and they would not accept me back because I was about to go back to school and would not be able to ride... all because by turning 21 I got kicked out of the Junior squad where I was a full member and could go on leave of absence. Nope not this time.
WELL CRAP!!! I have spent so many hours finding and taking classes, I could have slept, read or done any number of things with this time.
Now to keep my EMT I have to retest. The test has two parts a multiple choice section and a practical portion. I am a good test taker so I think the first part is doable, but the practical portion is going to be hard, I had a partner that I had practiced with last time and had been preparing specifically for this for 2 months last time. I don't know if I could pass that part again without more time.
So yet again I started to make peace with not being an EMT come the end of August.
Then I looked into it, if I take the test before I expire I only have to take the written portion.
Sweet, I can do that.
But there are only two dates I can make the test... 1 the day before I need to be back in Blacksburg in Richmond and 1 the Saturday before classes start in Roanoke.
The second would be during NSO, that would suck... but I am not sure I'll get my letter in time for signing up for the test. I need it in 5 days, and my last few hours have not shown up.
So I emailed the Office of EMS asking about it.
I call my Instructor for those last two classes, she knows the guy at the OEMS and will take up my hours personally in 2 days.
I called ODEMSA (the local EMS Alliance that runs the test site). They said since I only have to take the written part I have until 3 days before the test, that give me like another week!!!
Then I get an email from the OEMS guy and he called mt Instructor got my hours in the system and will email a copy of my letter to me and CC the test site by tomorrow or the next day!!!!
WOW. Now I have to study.
I am confident I can save someones life, but these details are hard to keep straight, for a test atleast.
I took the test, ironically the class I was working with (for my CEUs I helped the Instructor teach) was testing that day.
The test was hard, I had answers but never quite the same as my wording or thought process.
So for the third or fourth time I was preparing myself to not be an EMT.
Before classes started I got a call from my family... I passed.
I don't think it translated well here, but I kept having doors shut, nothing open, then right when I would hit the now or never point, a door would open that I could step through. Like a continuous process trying to break my EMT away from being an identity of mine and move it to an aspect of me, something nolonger competeing with God, but subservient to him.
Lets hope it stays that way.
I am Lame
So it is 10:40pm on a Friday night.
And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).
I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.
I am just exhausted.
I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.
It is the stupid little things.
This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.
I even journaled on how content I felt.
Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.
But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.
I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.
So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.
Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.
Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.
And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).
I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.
I am just exhausted.
I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.
It is the stupid little things.
This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.
I even journaled on how content I felt.
Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.
But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.
I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.
So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.
Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.
Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.
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