Not Sure What to Write

I just want to blog... and I have so much to say but am not sure how to say it. Or at the moment what it is.

So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:

- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride

I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.

I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.

But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.

It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.

But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.

As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?

Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.

And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.

So dumb.

It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.

Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.

But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.

God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.

Not that I am perfect mind you.

It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.

Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.

Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.

So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.

It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.

Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.

God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.

But for now where I am at.