So it is 10:40pm on a Friday night.
And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).
I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.
I am just exhausted.
I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.
It is the stupid little things.
This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.
I even journaled on how content I felt.
Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.
But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.
I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.
So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.
Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.
Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I may have written this before but I need to write it again.
I have a limit, I have mental disciplines that help reduce my worry and stress level but they only work to a point. Almost like my productivity and sanity are made better with one level of stress, i go in to survival mode when another level is reached, and when i exceed the last marker I just lose it.
Luckily I know what to do when I lose it, sleep and refocus on God, and in a few hours I am back to survival mode or my optimal stress level. But it takes a few hours.
So this week:
- NSO, awesome time, but for Vision Team and SGLs it is sooooo busy
- Cancellation of an NSO event due to rain, that kinda bugged me, but that was not in our control
- With classes starting I have been in survival mode (I get really task oriented) and have not been having good interaction with my friends
- Part of the previous point conversations like this (this is mostly with just a few of my close friends but has happened with others too)
Me: "Hey, can you do this for X event."
Friend: "Sure, blah blah blah."
Me: "Awesome, blah blah details blah"
Friend: "Ok, I'll take care of it."
Me: "Thanks... .... .... .... Um, how is..... ..... ..... bye."
- Trying to balance my position trying to push and care for the other leaders and still being thier friend, not being "power hungry" or "lecturing" but still Allen
As a friend said in a text conversation earlier Friday "It seems like just when I start to get ahead or on track something else pops up" (horribly paraphrased, sorry)
Oh boy.... I had no idea how true that would be in my life.
Friday night: projector issues occurred during our first 180, which as an old AV guy, I take personally a bit, then we had a huge party in my apartment complex that went awesomely, likely 1/3 to 1/2 of the people were new.... but
On my way back I got a call that my parents were stuck in WVA, thier car broke down. We are talking for good. They wanted to see if i could get them to a hotel and a rental car.
I am in the middle of hosting an event, our projector (the NEW projector) is acting up, I am in charge of an event in the morning, and there is a Football game later in the afternoon.
AHHHHHHH.
I get my roommate and a friend to act as host. And annother Vision Team member cover for me in the morning. Then plans changed and I was leaving in the morning. So instead of continuing to be in the party I tried to go to bed with Rock Band going in the other room. Which wouldn't be a problem but I was thinking to hard. And texting people, the guy who was coving for me I was sending him what I had to do, one guy offered to come and I was talking to him about staying, my family was sending me info about where they were, and one person was talking to me about SGL stuff, kinda, that conversation was the worse for me just over talking and analizing.
The drive itself was awesome, I needed the time alone. It was good to talk and sort through life with myself and God for a few hours.
I get back and I thought that we would be set up to watch the game. No, the guy doing that is at my doorstep 30 min before kick off. lots of mis-communication caused that. Then the room we got that I was under the impression got cable, didn't so I am on my way to watch the game, and we invited freshmen and we got nothing.
I went from feeling good to just not wanting to show up and deal with anything.
If anything the last 48 Hours are just another reminder that this is God's thing not mine. Cause now, at the end of the day all is good. We had good freshman turn out to many events, my parents are in a rental car and where they were trying to get. I still have my sanity and my faith.
My friends have more grace for me than I will ever deserve. Thanks.
To my roommate and friend: Thanks for covering the party last night that was good to have off my plate. Thanks for your support.
To the guy that offered to come with me: Thanks, I know in the end I kinda blew you off, but it meant a lot to me that you made the offer and were serious about it.
To the guy that covered for me: Thanks bro, it was nice to not have to worry about that.
To the others who saw/ heard/ or read my worry and just over thinking last night: Thank you so much for your friendship, it means a lot. And thank you for your grace for me when I am in survival mode or fully freaking out. I have not and will not ever earn that consideration, I thank God he blessed me with such awesome people to lean on and to talk to when I need to get my thoughts and worries out.
I can't live this life alone.... but God has surrounded me with people who help me every day to make it through.
Thanks.
I have a limit, I have mental disciplines that help reduce my worry and stress level but they only work to a point. Almost like my productivity and sanity are made better with one level of stress, i go in to survival mode when another level is reached, and when i exceed the last marker I just lose it.
Luckily I know what to do when I lose it, sleep and refocus on God, and in a few hours I am back to survival mode or my optimal stress level. But it takes a few hours.
So this week:
- NSO, awesome time, but for Vision Team and SGLs it is sooooo busy
- Cancellation of an NSO event due to rain, that kinda bugged me, but that was not in our control
- With classes starting I have been in survival mode (I get really task oriented) and have not been having good interaction with my friends
- Part of the previous point conversations like this (this is mostly with just a few of my close friends but has happened with others too)
Me: "Hey, can you do this for X event."
Friend: "Sure, blah blah blah."
Me: "Awesome, blah blah details blah"
Friend: "Ok, I'll take care of it."
Me: "Thanks... .... .... .... Um, how is..... ..... ..... bye."
- Trying to balance my position trying to push and care for the other leaders and still being thier friend, not being "power hungry" or "lecturing" but still Allen
As a friend said in a text conversation earlier Friday "It seems like just when I start to get ahead or on track something else pops up" (horribly paraphrased, sorry)
Oh boy.... I had no idea how true that would be in my life.
Friday night: projector issues occurred during our first 180, which as an old AV guy, I take personally a bit, then we had a huge party in my apartment complex that went awesomely, likely 1/3 to 1/2 of the people were new.... but
On my way back I got a call that my parents were stuck in WVA, thier car broke down. We are talking for good. They wanted to see if i could get them to a hotel and a rental car.
I am in the middle of hosting an event, our projector (the NEW projector) is acting up, I am in charge of an event in the morning, and there is a Football game later in the afternoon.
AHHHHHHH.
I get my roommate and a friend to act as host. And annother Vision Team member cover for me in the morning. Then plans changed and I was leaving in the morning. So instead of continuing to be in the party I tried to go to bed with Rock Band going in the other room. Which wouldn't be a problem but I was thinking to hard. And texting people, the guy who was coving for me I was sending him what I had to do, one guy offered to come and I was talking to him about staying, my family was sending me info about where they were, and one person was talking to me about SGL stuff, kinda, that conversation was the worse for me just over talking and analizing.
The drive itself was awesome, I needed the time alone. It was good to talk and sort through life with myself and God for a few hours.
I get back and I thought that we would be set up to watch the game. No, the guy doing that is at my doorstep 30 min before kick off. lots of mis-communication caused that. Then the room we got that I was under the impression got cable, didn't so I am on my way to watch the game, and we invited freshmen and we got nothing.
I went from feeling good to just not wanting to show up and deal with anything.
If anything the last 48 Hours are just another reminder that this is God's thing not mine. Cause now, at the end of the day all is good. We had good freshman turn out to many events, my parents are in a rental car and where they were trying to get. I still have my sanity and my faith.
My friends have more grace for me than I will ever deserve. Thanks.
To my roommate and friend: Thanks for covering the party last night that was good to have off my plate. Thanks for your support.
To the guy that offered to come with me: Thanks, I know in the end I kinda blew you off, but it meant a lot to me that you made the offer and were serious about it.
To the guy that covered for me: Thanks bro, it was nice to not have to worry about that.
To the others who saw/ heard/ or read my worry and just over thinking last night: Thank you so much for your friendship, it means a lot. And thank you for your grace for me when I am in survival mode or fully freaking out. I have not and will not ever earn that consideration, I thank God he blessed me with such awesome people to lean on and to talk to when I need to get my thoughts and worries out.
I can't live this life alone.... but God has surrounded me with people who help me every day to make it through.
Thanks.
NSO Crazyness
So I have had a pretty crazy few days, but that is to come. I feel the first post in a month should be glorifying to God... then I can share the complaints.
Here are some of the crazy things that have happened in this years NSO (New Student Outreach)
- One SG has about 40 people legitimately interested in a dorm that we have struggled to have any intrest from since before my time.
- One Leader was approached at one of our events by about 10 girls that basically said "Hi, we are from dorm X, we are Christians and we want a Small Group." I mean how many times do you hear of a small group in search of a Small Group Leader????
- 2 guys in our chapter were having a debate about relationships, how they progress and such from my understanding, and it went from 2 guys to like half the hall (our students and new ones) drawing diagrams (we are an engineering school) and such and them then coming out and freshmen asking if they can go to the SG of the leader that was involved in starting the discussion.
- While manning the card station at our "Ice Cream Bash" where people would turn in contact cards, I was asking people to turn in cards and hyping the drawing for an itunes gift card. several girls said to me "We don't need a Small Group we are in Susan's." WHO HAS OWNERSHIP IN A SMALL GROUP BEFORE THE FIRST MEETING!?!?!?!?! (Fairly sure it is God not the SGLs effort herself)
- On of the SGLs who I know well, we were in the same SG last year and she is continuing that SG this year, was talking to a freshman guy with several other people. Due to an odd turn of events (a balloon getting stuck in a tree, which I ended up not helping with afterall) I came over and met this guy. We walked him back to his dorm, and went were hanging out at my place that night. I go to class the next day and as I am leacing my last class of the day I look up and it is the guy from the night before. We ended up getting lunch later that week, he is a pretty awesome guy.
- One SGL added a guy on facebook this summer to welcome him to VT.... later he found they are living on the same hall.
- Several SGs helped people move in to dorms (well all did) but several meet multiple people who later came out to events showing interest in IV
- One SGL commented on how everything he did last year in his dorm to meet and care for guys felt like an uphill battle, but this year almost like people were falling into thier laps to care for.
I mean there is something to be said for good planning cause most of our events have been much smoother than ever before, but most of these things are totally God things.
And when you are completely task oriented trying to make these events happen it is nice to see that God is honoring your time, and working so much more than you ever could.
Thanks God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some of the crazy things that have happened in this years NSO (New Student Outreach)
- One SG has about 40 people legitimately interested in a dorm that we have struggled to have any intrest from since before my time.
- One Leader was approached at one of our events by about 10 girls that basically said "Hi, we are from dorm X, we are Christians and we want a Small Group." I mean how many times do you hear of a small group in search of a Small Group Leader????
- 2 guys in our chapter were having a debate about relationships, how they progress and such from my understanding, and it went from 2 guys to like half the hall (our students and new ones) drawing diagrams (we are an engineering school) and such and them then coming out and freshmen asking if they can go to the SG of the leader that was involved in starting the discussion.
- While manning the card station at our "Ice Cream Bash" where people would turn in contact cards, I was asking people to turn in cards and hyping the drawing for an itunes gift card. several girls said to me "We don't need a Small Group we are in Susan's." WHO HAS OWNERSHIP IN A SMALL GROUP BEFORE THE FIRST MEETING!?!?!?!?! (Fairly sure it is God not the SGLs effort herself)
- On of the SGLs who I know well, we were in the same SG last year and she is continuing that SG this year, was talking to a freshman guy with several other people. Due to an odd turn of events (a balloon getting stuck in a tree, which I ended up not helping with afterall) I came over and met this guy. We walked him back to his dorm, and went were hanging out at my place that night. I go to class the next day and as I am leacing my last class of the day I look up and it is the guy from the night before. We ended up getting lunch later that week, he is a pretty awesome guy.
- One SGL added a guy on facebook this summer to welcome him to VT.... later he found they are living on the same hall.
- Several SGs helped people move in to dorms (well all did) but several meet multiple people who later came out to events showing interest in IV
- One SGL commented on how everything he did last year in his dorm to meet and care for guys felt like an uphill battle, but this year almost like people were falling into thier laps to care for.
I mean there is something to be said for good planning cause most of our events have been much smoother than ever before, but most of these things are totally God things.
And when you are completely task oriented trying to make these events happen it is nice to see that God is honoring your time, and working so much more than you ever could.
Thanks God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Rant 1 - People with False Identity Trying to Fix Identity Based Situations
So I have been considering reconciliation. It is a fairly simple concept. One person hurts another. The first gives up their superiority and humbles them self to apologize for the infraction. The second humbles them self to accept the apology and gives up their right to be angry at the other. From that spot they begin to rebuild their relationship. Simple.... but really hard to do. And all reconciliation is the same as this. They are harder because they involve issues that are deep in people identities rather than a slight or mistake. But all reconciliation situations can involve identity issues. It is amazing how easy it is to hurt or damage someone else.
So why am I talking about this. The best way for reconciliation to happen, and I think in the harder cases of racial and gender reconciliation people must have a solid identity to do the work of reconciliation out of. You can not reconcile well unless you reconcile as someone worth reconciling with towards someone worth reconciling with. We must value ourselves and our neighbor as our self. To reconcile we must meet on an equal footing, which means we cannot be putting the other below us, or ourselves below them to do it.
Using the example of racial reconciliation.
The majority must realize that they do have a culture that is worthy of identifying with. That their culture honors God and brings an aspect of who God is to the world that no other group does. They also need to know that their culture has some things to answer for and apologize for. That sin has entered this would through them in a unique way as well.
What annoys me is how often that those in the majority culture (whites in the US) who care about racial reconciliation have this idea that they have only things to make up for. That all they can do is defame themselves until the other groups are placated. That to be white is to be only something that is evil, something to be repented of.
The minority must realize similar things. One that regardless of what the majority has done they have awesome things to bring to this world. Also that they have their own issues to deal with and make up for. That they have to humble themselves as well.
I see, on TV, how many of those that speak out about racial issues on the minority side do it from this point of superiority or entitlement. They speak out for their group and expect the majority to roll over and destroy themselves. Or they blame the majority for all their problems.
I don't want to sound racist or anything. And I am sure there are many out there that fit this, but...
What we really need if we want to see real reconciliation between the races is people that are convinced of their personal worth and the worth of their group. But if they stop there all you have is the KKK and Black Panthers. We need people that take the next step that see the worth of others and other groups as equal to their own. And people that take that outlook to a mindset of serving others over their own best interest.
ONLY then can we truly have reconciliation.
So whites on TV... please value your ethnicity. Please do not bend your identity to other groups and their demands on you. Yes keep working towards the betterment of minorities, but don't minimize your importance to God or their worth to God with how you try to serve. Don't think you can fix it, only God can, just love, respect and partner with others to see how to fight for change.
And to Minorities, please keep showing us where we need to grow. I know the majority has a tendency to miss things, big things. Please do not defame yourself by giving us all the power in your life, to both destroy and rebuild. By giving us the power you keep us in a place we do not belong, a place we should never have taken. Please stand tall in your ethnicity. And help us learn how to interact with you on an equal platform.
----
Now I need to say, I am really really just starting in my understanding of racial reconciliation. So please help me grow in this. If I have said something incorrect please give the the benefit of the doubt in my wording, and if it is still wrong please correct me. But I feel that my observations are accurate even with my limited knowledge here. This is a hard area to care and learn about, but it is worth it from what little I have seen so far.
God please help me to see what I have not seen. To see as close to the way you do as I possibly can.
So why am I talking about this. The best way for reconciliation to happen, and I think in the harder cases of racial and gender reconciliation people must have a solid identity to do the work of reconciliation out of. You can not reconcile well unless you reconcile as someone worth reconciling with towards someone worth reconciling with. We must value ourselves and our neighbor as our self. To reconcile we must meet on an equal footing, which means we cannot be putting the other below us, or ourselves below them to do it.
Using the example of racial reconciliation.
The majority must realize that they do have a culture that is worthy of identifying with. That their culture honors God and brings an aspect of who God is to the world that no other group does. They also need to know that their culture has some things to answer for and apologize for. That sin has entered this would through them in a unique way as well.
What annoys me is how often that those in the majority culture (whites in the US) who care about racial reconciliation have this idea that they have only things to make up for. That all they can do is defame themselves until the other groups are placated. That to be white is to be only something that is evil, something to be repented of.
The minority must realize similar things. One that regardless of what the majority has done they have awesome things to bring to this world. Also that they have their own issues to deal with and make up for. That they have to humble themselves as well.
I see, on TV, how many of those that speak out about racial issues on the minority side do it from this point of superiority or entitlement. They speak out for their group and expect the majority to roll over and destroy themselves. Or they blame the majority for all their problems.
I don't want to sound racist or anything. And I am sure there are many out there that fit this, but...
What we really need if we want to see real reconciliation between the races is people that are convinced of their personal worth and the worth of their group. But if they stop there all you have is the KKK and Black Panthers. We need people that take the next step that see the worth of others and other groups as equal to their own. And people that take that outlook to a mindset of serving others over their own best interest.
ONLY then can we truly have reconciliation.
So whites on TV... please value your ethnicity. Please do not bend your identity to other groups and their demands on you. Yes keep working towards the betterment of minorities, but don't minimize your importance to God or their worth to God with how you try to serve. Don't think you can fix it, only God can, just love, respect and partner with others to see how to fight for change.
And to Minorities, please keep showing us where we need to grow. I know the majority has a tendency to miss things, big things. Please do not defame yourself by giving us all the power in your life, to both destroy and rebuild. By giving us the power you keep us in a place we do not belong, a place we should never have taken. Please stand tall in your ethnicity. And help us learn how to interact with you on an equal platform.
----
Now I need to say, I am really really just starting in my understanding of racial reconciliation. So please help me grow in this. If I have said something incorrect please give the the benefit of the doubt in my wording, and if it is still wrong please correct me. But I feel that my observations are accurate even with my limited knowledge here. This is a hard area to care and learn about, but it is worth it from what little I have seen so far.
God please help me to see what I have not seen. To see as close to the way you do as I possibly can.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Crappy Day
Did you ever have a day that just sucked. Not for you, like the whole day is bad.
Friday was one such day.
I get into work, and the ambulance is there. Someone crushed his hand a little bit before I got there. Great start to the day.
Earlier that morning the Waste Water Treatment Plant on sight had some issues and my Boss was called at 3 am. Not as big of a deal but both kinda set the tone for the day.
Then I went on duty with the rescue squad as an observer. We picked up a guy who was having chest pain. The paramedic on the crew couldn't see what was wrong, his history fit what we found, but the monitor gave a few flags so we alerted the hospital. We dropped him off and moved on as usual. We picked up someone else later that night and took them to the same hospital. We got back in time to find that they pronounced him. The hospital Docs and machines said nothing was found, but he died.
Usually we don't know what happens, in this case I would almost prefer it. Now I just see him looking up at me helplessly on the ride to the hospital. I felt awkward each time he looked at me like that, I didn't know what to say. Now I wish I had said something, I just don't know what.
And in between the calls one of the girls on the crew slammed her hand in the door and had to get stitches.
What the crap?
Just a bad day.
Friday was one such day.
I get into work, and the ambulance is there. Someone crushed his hand a little bit before I got there. Great start to the day.
Earlier that morning the Waste Water Treatment Plant on sight had some issues and my Boss was called at 3 am. Not as big of a deal but both kinda set the tone for the day.
Then I went on duty with the rescue squad as an observer. We picked up a guy who was having chest pain. The paramedic on the crew couldn't see what was wrong, his history fit what we found, but the monitor gave a few flags so we alerted the hospital. We dropped him off and moved on as usual. We picked up someone else later that night and took them to the same hospital. We got back in time to find that they pronounced him. The hospital Docs and machines said nothing was found, but he died.
Usually we don't know what happens, in this case I would almost prefer it. Now I just see him looking up at me helplessly on the ride to the hospital. I felt awkward each time he looked at me like that, I didn't know what to say. Now I wish I had said something, I just don't know what.
And in between the calls one of the girls on the crew slammed her hand in the door and had to get stitches.
What the crap?
Just a bad day.
The Virtues of Self-Hatred
I am a white male, I have a lot to hate myself for. Think about it.
White:
- Superiority Complex
- Destruction of other groups within our ethnicity
- Conquest of other ethnic groups
- Native American near genocide
- Slave Trade (with help from a few other groups)
- Use of Slaves
- Jim Crow Laws
- Holocaust (and hesitation to act against it)
- Economic Rape of Latin America
- Success no matter the cost mindset
- Crusades
- Lynching of African Americans
- KKK
- Setting up the American System that so many hate
- Idea of Color Blindness
- obliviousness
Male:
- Most Crimes
- Most Sexual Assults
- Demeaning Women
- Staying silent when we should act
- Superiority Complex
- Obliviousness
- Gender Blindness
- Ignorance
- Conquering of other groups
- Success no mater the cost mind set
There are more for each group.
Look at that. Several are even repeats so it is even worse. Shouldn't we hate ourselves... everyone else seems to.
And think about it, if we hate ourselves that actually makes life easier. Groups I was born into have screwed the crap out of the world, I am blamed and expected to fix all this crap. It would be so much easier to just agree with the world. If I join them in hating us, hating myself then what they say means nothing.
--
"STUPID WHITY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU SCREW WITH EVERYTHING!!!"
"Yeah, and not just that but we demean women too. We just suck."
--
"Men are just after sex"
"Yeah, pretty much"
---
I mean no one can hurt you if your view of yourself is so much lower than theirs is.
You can avoid doing anything about all this too. I mean if you care and think you are actually able to do something about it you have to think and plan and care. If you think you are unfixable you can just enjoy all the escapes we have developed and just not care. That is so much easier.
Self-Hatred opens us as white men up to a world where we can enjoy it. We can enjoy our own company, our pity parties, our movies. We don't have to fix anything or care about the crap in this world, after all every time we try to do something it is just for our benefit anyway, and we can't do anything without screwing up someone elses life, lets just accept it.
And our self respect will be constant, no ones chiding or attacks will ever make us think less of ourselves than we do now. I mean isn't that what everyone wants, us to hate ourselves for enough generations until we have suffered as much as them?
I mean why care? If we try to help people, apologize for the past, spend our time and money to help people excel, we still can't stand tall, cause someone else will attack us for being just like every other white male.
I mean not that our motivation should be respect for helping people, it would come out of obligation for all the crap we have pulled.
I mean who out there is truly calling for equality of the ethnicities? A world where every person can stand tall proud of their ethnicity and gender but with respect and admiration of the others. No one is really proposing that are they? I haven't heard it. The White man is the devil, men are the devil, or adding insult to injury whites fire those right back.
Isn't it just simpler to accept what everyone says and hate yourself so noone elses opinion maters?
White:
- Superiority Complex
- Destruction of other groups within our ethnicity
- Conquest of other ethnic groups
- Native American near genocide
- Slave Trade (with help from a few other groups)
- Use of Slaves
- Jim Crow Laws
- Holocaust (and hesitation to act against it)
- Economic Rape of Latin America
- Success no matter the cost mindset
- Crusades
- Lynching of African Americans
- KKK
- Setting up the American System that so many hate
- Idea of Color Blindness
- obliviousness
Male:
- Most Crimes
- Most Sexual Assults
- Demeaning Women
- Staying silent when we should act
- Superiority Complex
- Obliviousness
- Gender Blindness
- Ignorance
- Conquering of other groups
- Success no mater the cost mind set
There are more for each group.
Look at that. Several are even repeats so it is even worse. Shouldn't we hate ourselves... everyone else seems to.
And think about it, if we hate ourselves that actually makes life easier. Groups I was born into have screwed the crap out of the world, I am blamed and expected to fix all this crap. It would be so much easier to just agree with the world. If I join them in hating us, hating myself then what they say means nothing.
--
"STUPID WHITY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU SCREW WITH EVERYTHING!!!"
"Yeah, and not just that but we demean women too. We just suck."
--
"Men are just after sex"
"Yeah, pretty much"
---
I mean no one can hurt you if your view of yourself is so much lower than theirs is.
You can avoid doing anything about all this too. I mean if you care and think you are actually able to do something about it you have to think and plan and care. If you think you are unfixable you can just enjoy all the escapes we have developed and just not care. That is so much easier.
Self-Hatred opens us as white men up to a world where we can enjoy it. We can enjoy our own company, our pity parties, our movies. We don't have to fix anything or care about the crap in this world, after all every time we try to do something it is just for our benefit anyway, and we can't do anything without screwing up someone elses life, lets just accept it.
And our self respect will be constant, no ones chiding or attacks will ever make us think less of ourselves than we do now. I mean isn't that what everyone wants, us to hate ourselves for enough generations until we have suffered as much as them?
I mean why care? If we try to help people, apologize for the past, spend our time and money to help people excel, we still can't stand tall, cause someone else will attack us for being just like every other white male.
I mean not that our motivation should be respect for helping people, it would come out of obligation for all the crap we have pulled.
I mean who out there is truly calling for equality of the ethnicities? A world where every person can stand tall proud of their ethnicity and gender but with respect and admiration of the others. No one is really proposing that are they? I haven't heard it. The White man is the devil, men are the devil, or adding insult to injury whites fire those right back.
Isn't it just simpler to accept what everyone says and hate yourself so noone elses opinion maters?
What do you care about?
So I have a rant or 2 I want to write about, but I want to set the stage with a few other posts.
How can you tell what people care about?
Time and Money.
If you care about something you will spend your time and money on it. Time is the only recourse we cannot get more of, and we trade time for money.
Look at your budget, where your money goes is one of the best indicators of what you really care about. Where does your time go? That is a great indicator.
I don't wanna hear any of this crap about "I advocate" or "I write blogs that shows I care" or whatever.
If we care about any issue we show it through how we spend our time and money.
That means that I personally have a lot of growing to do, because right now I don't pass that test for caring about the poor or racial reconciliation. But I am growing in those areas.
That is why so often you hear advocates attacked by phrases like "Well if you believe this why aren't you doing X."
If we truly care about something we should be willing to sacrifice for it. I just needed to say that before I discuss my rant soon.
How can you tell what people care about?
Time and Money.
If you care about something you will spend your time and money on it. Time is the only recourse we cannot get more of, and we trade time for money.
Look at your budget, where your money goes is one of the best indicators of what you really care about. Where does your time go? That is a great indicator.
I don't wanna hear any of this crap about "I advocate" or "I write blogs that shows I care" or whatever.
If we care about any issue we show it through how we spend our time and money.
That means that I personally have a lot of growing to do, because right now I don't pass that test for caring about the poor or racial reconciliation. But I am growing in those areas.
That is why so often you hear advocates attacked by phrases like "Well if you believe this why aren't you doing X."
If we truly care about something we should be willing to sacrifice for it. I just needed to say that before I discuss my rant soon.
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