Heat... hmmmm

So this is going to be legitimately short. But it is snowing today in Blacksburg, and I love it. I love Winter. But it is a bit cold in my apartment... so I turned on our heaters.

I have several Jackets to choose from, one that is ready to go with my winter golves, hat, and facemask.

I so easily forget how much of a blessing that is just to have those things...

Thanks God.

Please help me never to forget about all the blessings I have, that I have money, that I have credit to be billed later for my electricity, that I have my own place and car.

Wow.

My Life is one big Paradox

I have enjoyed confidence and contentment that I am not sure I have ever known over the last few weeks.

Yet there are things I want or need to do that I hesitate to do.

The Question "What do I need to do in this situation (relationship, idea, etc.) to honor God?" both clarifies everything and doesn't.

It is so hard to tell the difference between wisdom and fear when it is a debate in acting or not when unsure of the outcome of if the action is even necessary.

I need to live a life without fear, and yet i don't want to hurt people just to live out my life without fear... which one is honoring God... is there a way to live without fear, honor God, and not hurt people?

On one hand I honestly and accurately say life is good and I am happy, on the other there are many things up in the air that I am unsure how to deal with or fix.

This seems like a welcome to life type thing, but it is also incredibly confusing.

Also the idea of Graduating in May... incredibly scary and sad, and very encouraging and exciting.

Thank the Lord I have a Father who knows how to give good gifts, and desires me to grow and has a place prepared for me...

a place I am going...

and a place I already am. (Colossians 3)

hmmmm.

Reminders in Discipleship

It is really cool when you bring something to share with a younger student and it is what you need to hear.

I have been asking one of my guys to consider three questions:

1. Who is God?
2. Who am I?
3. What am I here to do?

Those questions should be read as if you or he are asking them, not asking him about me.

And so I planned to discuss 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. This occurs after Paul is discussing sexual immorality in the Church, but I find it's impacts to go further.

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (ESV)

We started to discuss this verses implications for the three questions. And came down to a few questions we both needed to consider this week...

- What would it look like if we truly believed our bodies were the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- What would it look like if we lived like we were not our own, but were God's?

I need to be reminded of these things often, I do not do either well. Thanks God.

I'm Content with Losing

Besides being an Underoath song, it is a good phrase to describe me. Check out the lyrics here.

I need to preface this post with the obligatory "I am not suicidal" statement (cause people always ask when I make a post that is at all depressing) but this is something I have been struggling with over the last few years and still am struggling with.

I feel I have Joy in the Lord, I feel it, and a few people have commented on a peace about me in different points in my life.

But I am rarely happy for a long period of time. My happiness is extremely fleeting. It comes and goes about as quickly as a smile or a look.

I will take an event or a relationship or a position and make it a source of happiness. And I will enjoy it for a while, but once I hit the point where I can take a step and see if that thing will truly be more, something that helps me grow and builds into long term happiness and joy or if the extra attention I am giving it is wasted, I back off and find ways to doubt.

Ways to doubt myself, that thing or person, that situation until that happiness turns to concern and worry.

Or I have a chance to take a stand up or do something that I feel needs to happen. I will generally doubt that I need to do anything, or that I should. Nothing happens and I add fuel to my future doubts.

I prefer to feel struggle and pain to happiness. Not that I really do, but my actions tend that way, almost every time I have a risk a choice before me I chose to do nothing, to let the chance pass. I would rather miss something than fail.... but in the end I still lose.

But that is not living out a passionate life, one striving after God.

I quote this verse regularly (Matt 6:25-34) to others to help them live in the freedom Jesus gives us, and I keep myself locked in by my fear, because I am used to it, I am content in my discontentment.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (1 Cor 5:17, NIV)

It is time I gave up my fear, and my contentment with losing and being discontent and lived like the man of God that I am now... a man that can stand in the face of sin and fear in the power of Christ.


A man that goes not by names given by the enemy or his own flesh but...

by the name(s) God gave him...

Desirable, My Child, Enough.

Added 10/23/08:
It is hard to believe that for long when just about every time I take a chance with anything... I fail. Part of me thinks that at least losing only hurts me. Why are lies so much easier to believe than truth?

I am not Strong enough

So I have felt really weak lately. Odd because I have lost 20 some pounds since May and my body is stronger than it has been in years.

But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.

And I can't do anything.

There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.

I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.

That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...

But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.

God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.

Not Sure What to Write

I just want to blog... and I have so much to say but am not sure how to say it. Or at the moment what it is.

So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:

- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride

I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.

I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.

But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.

It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.

But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.

As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?

Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.

And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.

So dumb.

It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.

Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.

But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.

God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.

Not that I am perfect mind you.

It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.

Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.

Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.

So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.

It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.

Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.

God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.

But for now where I am at.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5

This was shared with me recently and really was encouraging to me.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

Emphasis mine.

Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.