Mundane

So today at church the pastor was talking about Exodus, the final talk in a series. Earlier they explained Exodus was a compound word meaning the "way out." Each week they has asked us to consider what we think God is leading us out of, but not to stop there.

God was leading his people out of Egypt into the promised land and into relationship with him. Jim proposed that the Exodus did not end when the Isrealites entered Canaan, but that it is also the journey that God is still leading his children on to this day. Through Jesus God is leading us on the way out, out of sin and death to Him.

He said one thing today that really stuck with me. "The miraculous becomes the mundane in no time."

The story of the Exodus is not one of God taking the quickest path to move his people from Egypt to the promised land. It is a story of God proclaiming his power and intentions to his people and the world. He lead his people on a longer path to Canaan to show them more and more that he loved them and provides for them. And many days all they could do is follow him.

So many times I, and I think we all, say "If only I had a pillar of fire/ smoke to follow." "If only I say the sea part before me to show me the way." We want miracles to guide us... I want them more than ever now that I can't default to the goal that has driven me since I could think rationally "graduate from college."

But God did that for his people and do you see where that got them? No where further than we get with our every day lives and interaction with him. We see in Numbers 13 that the spies that were sent did not believe they could take the land that God had given them.

All of God's miracles and all of the comments from us reading the story saying "Well if I saw THAT I would trust God" did not mean anything. They were scared, as they had every right to be.

Miracles can become mundane. If we could call them at our will we would control God, not the other way around. And miracles or not we all come to the point of making a choice...

"Knowing what I know of God, do I trust him enough to go and do this?"

People who have experienced far more miricles and those who have experienced far fewer have all made this choice. Some said yes, and we remember them as men and women of God. Other said no.

So, what choice do I make? What choice do you make?

Where I Am

So I have not posted here in a while. Life has been good and bad at the same time, and definitely busy.

I have been noticing the lack of community rather acutely recently.

Last week I saw my girlfriend for about 3 hours and one of my bestfriends, who also lives with me, for about 20 minuets. In the evenings alone I watched a lot of Hulu and felt like crap. I felt alone and started to see trains of thought that I thought were long behind me come back.

I was journaling at church today I started to recall some things I used to take for granted when I was in IV before graduating that I took for granted that I really miss now.

1. Being asked how God and I are on a regular basis at random by many different people.
2. Having a community of people to serve.
3. People to discuss my day with or plans for the future.
4. A group of people that were not afraid to challenge me.
5. A place to be reminded of who God is when I forget.

I have only experienced a small bit of this since graduation and the other graduates moving from this end of the state. With Jamie being a small group leader we have gotten to have a few awesome talks about how that is going with her and sometimes Joe and I talk.

But both of them have been on mostly opposite schedules of mine as of late and busy themselves. Plus most of Joe and my conversations have been about business-y things lately as we both are rather either arrogant or ambitious (not sure which) and trying to start many different enterprises.

I have not joined a church yet because I have not gone around and check out some of the ones I have heard about. I have been going mostly to [nlcf] because it is what I am used to and where Jamie and Michael (my little brother) go. The sermons have also been on Exodus lately and I have found them really interesting and applicable.

Not until today, however, did I consider the possibility that I was simply over thinking my church choice. They do many of the things I want to be involved with and have an older congregation I could get to know. And today I also realized that Joe, Jamie, and Michael all go there and are most of the people I actually see on a regular basis. After a week of minimal human interaction it is nice to see people that I love.

So now the question is do I decided to look at other places, that would be better in some ways and not in others, or do I decide the seeing my brother and girlfriend on Sunday mornings is a good reason to pick a church for the time being?

Being an over-thinker sucks. But regardless of the source I need to find community soon, because I cannot live this life alone.

Remembering Blessing

So my recent issues in life have been a broken A/C, which really annoyed me, caused me to loose sleep from the 'heat' and I am guessing that is why I am currently sick.

My other issue was sitting in the doctors office waiting for over two and a half hours just to see a doctor for a few minutes, get a prescription and use my hard earned money on antibiotics. Oh and I had to skip work because I felt like crap.

But I had A/C to miss, and even with that broken a bed to sleep in and food in the kitchen and refrigerator. I had a job that on a world standard is extremely high paying, even if it is not my dream job yet.

I could go to the doctor and even had excellent insurance to reduce the cost significantly. And I will still get paid for my sick day because I am a salary employee.

It is sooo easy to loose sight of how gifted I am to be born where I was born, have the support of an awesome family, have awesome friends, a degree from an awesome school, and an awesome job with a company that is growing in a time when most companies are firing people or at least not hiring.

God please keep my conscious of just how lucky and blessed I am.

Catching Up

So I have not posted much recently. That is mostly for lack of writing. I do have a new blog that is more geared to my musings and growth in the working world with less emphasis on the overtly spiritual (just ask if you want to know where it is). I intend to keep posting here in the coming months as I would like a place to get feedback and encourage people most specifically relating to my faith.

The other reason posts have been lacking is that I have completely lost my balance lately. I have not found a church home, but honestly I have been to bust to look. And with moving, traveling, and laziness I have let my quiet times and personal time with God become erratic and inconsistent.

So over the next few weeks I will be working to get my schedule back on track and to find a place to call home.

That will be interesting; unlike those that are completely cut off from their college communities I could still go if I wanted, it will be right down the road in a few weeks. However I know that is no longer where I am to be for my community.

I hope soon I can support that community as an outsider and an alumni, but it will be weird being close enough to a community I love and yet knowing I must find another.

Prayer would be appreciated as I seek a new community and seek to get my relationship with God back on track.

Long overdue post

So I am looking to start a new blog and run them simultaneously. This will stay under my name and be about my walk with God and the other will be more about my professional development and some of the projects I am working on to have fun and adjust out of the college life, but I will be posting to that blog under a pseudonym. I am just debating on name, but I am excited about that.

I have not felt like I have been growing all the much recently. But I think that is a bit of a misconception on my part.

I have been forced to trust. Forced to realize quite plainly that God makes absolutely no sense sometimes but he is caring for me none the less.

I have been dating an awesome woman of God for about two months now and that is pushing me in so many ways. Most importantly and obviously at this point is my selfishness. I have seen a completely new level of selfcenteredness arise in me through my interactions with her.

And I cannot forget to mention Rockbridge. I took the Kingdom Living track. Nothing was earth shattering but it was a good reminder about many of the things I have learned over the last few years that I care about that I have not thought of in a while.

The other point from Rockbridge worth mentioning is some straight up weird stuff happened. I saw on two consecutive nights brothers in Christ become 'filled with the Holy Spirit.' I use quotes not because I doubt that they were but because I have never seen anything like it. One has had deep scars from his early college career that he has not been able to move past and I saw the beginnings of healing and joy in him again. And the other had pain from loosing a friend and almost losing several others in a car wreck of sorts. The first seemed to think his situation was almost permanent then after praying with and over him he started to cry and laugh and shake... he spoke words of love and seemed almost drunk... IN AN INSTANT. The second went from yelling to try to express his emotions of anger and guilt (false guilt but guilt none the less... meaning he did nothing wrong) and anger with God to crying, laughing, and speaking love over those he came to... again in an instant.

He told me and one other guy God had big things planned for us... not the most enlightening sentiment but encouraging and needed. He also told me "You know you could be a pastor if you wanted to right?" That comment is a bit more deep and interesting. I hear that is what more charismatic denominations call prophecy... but I am not completely sure how to take it still.

If you are interested or care to keep me to my word here are my goals for the next few weeks/ summer:
- Check out Dwelling Place (local church that is a bit more charismatic)
- Meet with one of my Sisters in Christ who knows a good deal more about these kind of experiences
- Have daily quiet times (scripture and prayer)
- Actually do my investigation of the Name of God
- Find a church to become a member of
- Seek God's guidance more and more in my relationship with my girlfriend, learning to love her as much like God does as I am able
- Work on expressing what God puts on my heart in a concise manner

Thank you God for reminding me of what you have taught me in the past, showing me you are present and active in those I care about, and giving me more than I deserve.

Lots and Nothing to Think about All at the Same Time

So for a while I have felt off.

Life is going fairly well, I am finishing college, I have a girlfriend for the first time in years (and she is pretty awesome), I am applying to jobs waiting to hear back from one where the interview went well and applying to others, and I have friends.

There are also several potential projects that would provide new avenues for my creativity and gifts to shine through and develop.

But I have not had a passion in a while. No burning topic in the temporal or the spiritual that is captivating my attention.

While I have so much to learn about so many things I do not have that issue or topic that I care about.

Even my desire to work out what it means to have vision for myself, life and others has grown dull.

There is an exciting new chapter opening and an awesome chapter closing in my life right now...

I want passion and a topic or two that I am well versed in.

This blog may be redirected, left alone with the start of a second, or killed in favor of a second depending on what I choose to do.

This Blog was always for my close friends that wanted to know what I was up to as I struggled and worked through life. And I think overall it has done that.

But either I am going to fall away into obscurity or find the path I want to run down in my development as a person and as a child of God.

I hope for the latter.

2 Years Later

It has been 2 years since April 16th 2007...

that is about all I can say, my emotions are all messed up, but I did not want this day to go unmarked on my blog.

Wait... WHAT?!?!?!

So this week has been crazy. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of a while, at least in this small of a space.

The last few weeks I have finally started to see something come out of my prayers and times in scripture, not HUGE things, but little insights that have helped direct me and encourage me.

This week has put me in a position I did not expect on so many levels. I cannot explain in this post on the inter-tubes right now... but I got nothing.

Nothing that makes me worthy of the good things from this week.

Nothing that I can use to explain or push aside the negative things.

Nothing that I can use to take full control of my job search (the location of the negatives) or the rest of my life.

At the moment I am in a precarious position where if God is not with me, granting me wisdom and strength, I will fail.

The easiest way to describe this week is a combination and rapid succession of both positive and negative events and situations where the only thing I can think to do is cling to God.

God I pray that my eyes and heart are open to you and your guidance and mercy in my life...

cause on my own I've got nothing.

Selfishness

So I was sitting in the back of 180 as is my custom since I was a freshman. Nothing really on my mind, then a freshman got up from where he was,sat down and said I was on his heart and asked if he could pray for me. I told him there was nothing, which was not a lie but not really trying to think or express myself either.

So I sat there and I praying, but it was fairly general stuff in my head. And it occurred to me that I have not felt 'someone was laid on my heart' for some time.

I am in a time of transition and when I am in times like this I tend to withdraw. I am not in control, I do not know what to do to honor God, my friends, or myself. It is a double edged sword. Someone like me who has the memories and past of being ignored or just not sought out by friends I still have a hard time feeling completely alone when I am not part of the group. I have gotten better about it, and with me leaving and not being at VT next year I honestly also love seeing my friends hang out with and enjoy others. I enjoyed that before, but more so now that I am leaving. It helps me feel like they will be taken care of once I leave. But it also makes me feel like an outsider in my head long before my time to go.

And from that paragraph and other posts recently the conclusion that came to me might become clear. I have become incredibly self-centered. Here is an example of my prayers for the last few months:

- God, how do I end my time at VT well?
- God, how can I honor you today?
- God, what will I be doing after I graduate?
- God, where will my next step take me?
- God, where should I look or what should I do to find a job?
- God, how do I love my friends well?
- God, how do I figure out how to interact with my friends since I am leaving?
- God, please give me wisdom.
- God, please show me how you will help me with my goals.
- God, how do I love/ interact with X? (specific friends)

Even in my desire to do things for others my prayer is about me.

I find myself feeling out of place easy. Getting frustrated with friends that are going through hard times and not talking to me about it.

Something about this time feels off from times I have felt like I was in a good relationship with God. And even now God is still using me to care for people and help them come to a better understanding of God. Like I say something that is an epiphany for them but I still feel like just some guy.

I want my focus to be on God and the things of his kingdom. I want loving my friends to be something I think/ feel like I do well, not something I feel I am failing at.

But this time it seems like I can only think in terms of I or me.

God please help me see how to live out the life you have given me. To be able to enjoy my relationships and live out the Gospel in everything I do.

Injustice and Justice

So recently in IV or NLCF, I can't remember which; they were discussing justice, God's Justice. And they used an interesting definition of injustice.

Injustice is taking something from someone who has no ability to keep you (or the doer of injustice) from doing so, or being able to reclaim what was taken.

They explained it for different groups,

Sex Slaves - their sexuality meant to be shared with the person of their choosing is taken from them and abused on a daily basis, they cannot stop it or fight back.

Homeless/ Hungry - regardless of how they got there, they are unable to earn money or keep food or possessions for themselves and so often if something is taken from them they are ignored.

I think of the entire movie "Slumdog Millionaire." He constantly has anything good taken from him by others, sometimes strangers and even his own brother. The entire movie he has no recourse. The point from the talk is that we as a body are about restoring humanity and justice to people. That we should use our gifts of money, time, education, power, etc to stand for those that cannot. When I think of how if anyone took something from me or did something to me how between who I am, my money, and my connections to others with standing and more money... I will get justice....

I agree whatever my career looks like I want to be about living generously, helping others stand, showing them the respect and love God has for them and this world should have for them. But I was thinking.... using that definition we need to be careful. It is not perfect of course, but there is a side missed. I am a fan of small government. There is an old saying...

"Capitalism is unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is equal distribution of poverty, and communism is socialism with a gun to your back."

This person is obviously not a fan of communism... but how does government work? It has guns and jails to ensure you follow their rules.

So is it right as Christians to fight for social programs from the government?

How are they paid for? Taxes, taking from those who have no ability to keep you from taking from them or able to get it back.

Yeah usually the argument is that "They have enough." or "They got that money BY exploiting people it is only right to return it by taking it from them!"

I think many social and racial issues can be solved by fixing the government or ever ambiguous "System" we refer to.

But my hesitation so many times I speak with friend, brothers and sisters with God about Justice is the solution almost always is Government Program X, Y, or Z getting more money.

More money for Schools!!!! When the best systems in this country spend far less per student than the worst.

More Welfare Money!!!! When it has such a history of abuse.

Not that I do not want to see Schools improve or people be supported and find work. I do, I know God does. I just think we as Christians need to think very carefully before we get in bed with the Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, the United Way, etc.

So I ask, can you solve bring Justice to others through unjust means?

Social reconciliation... we need this too, and I see others and even myself become turned off to supporting groups and projects every day when they start saying the Government needs to take from the rich, and take care of the poor... loosing much of the money on the way.

I want to be about heart change, leading myself, my future family, and others to living lives that a generous, not insulating ourselves from pain and poverty through the government and charities... not by giving my money so some political party can have people thank them, glorify them, when it is God who should be praised...

As I write this I have passed by 2 homeless men at different times in the last 7 days. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on... but there are my 2 cents.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

I didn't see, when I was thirsty you lobbied Congress and they gave me cash... but feel free to disagree with me, most do. But I thought it was worthy of being said.

Questions

I find the older I get the more my questions are not answered directly but simply lead to more and deeper questions.

Or just back to the same old questions from before...

What is healing?

So I have been thinking about this for a little while. What does it mean to be healed?

In scripture we see people told to get up and walk, having sight returned, having leprosy healed. These seem kind of obvious that they are healed. Healing means the ailment they had no longer affects them.

But I am fairly healthy, I have been blessed that way. My only physical issue is moderately poor eyesight and being overweight. I have contact lenses, and have been working on my weight for a while, so those are really non-issues. The place I see myself seeking healing is emotionally.

I am by far not the most emotionally injured person but I have my share from simply being rejected by women on most occasions (varying from gracious No's to the girl not talking to me for 3 months), being the fat kid in middle school and getting picked on and disregarded, April 16th (was not in the building but close enough), to things I recently decided should not be placed on the Internet (though I am more and more willing to talk about them).

So I began asking what healing means...

Does it mean having no greater reaction to seeing/ hearing similar things to what has hurt me that others?

Does it mean defining myself by what has happened to and around me?

Does it mean forgetting?

Does it mean fighting against others feeling what I have felt?

Does it mean having someone with some expensive degree say I am fine?

Does it mean proclaiming to the world all that has happened then moving forward?

If I have a broken leg and it heals I can see the healing... what about this?

When I hear of a shooting in a place I have a connection to it hurts deeply. When I get an email from VT Alerts, my heart sinks. But I don't fall apart.

I saw parts of a video about 2 women who were abused as children by their family friend. His name was 'Alan.' Besides that, I felt a deep pain and anger about that story. It was not a distant person or a movie... it was very near me. But I still could function and talk and serve that day.

These two instances are why I wonder what healing means.

I do not want to become numb!!! I don't want to make jokes when I hear of yet another murder in my town, city, school, anywhere. I don't want to dismiss peoples pain... I want to feel the pain of those my Heavenly Father loves and has or desires to show himself to.

I ask myself and God what healing means, because for awhile I thought it was forgetting or having no greater emotional connection to other events that those who have not experienced what I have.

But the idea of numbing myself to that pain, seems so wrong. I want to be able to empathize, I want to be unable to ignore injustice because I feel it.

So again I wonder what is healing?

The closest thing I am aware of in Scripture about this is Jesus healing the leper.

Mark 1:40-45

I will only quote two verse here, verse 41 and 42 (NIV, emphasis mine)

"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. "

Jesus took the step to touch the man with leprosy, a man not touched in years. I am convinced that this is to grant him emotional and spiritual healing as well as physical healing.

I wish I knew how this man lived his life past that point... perhaps that might indicate what emotional healing looks like. Did he move forward forgetting the past? Did he work to help those around the town who still have leprosy? What? All Mark says is that rather than keeping quiet as Jesus instructed him he told all the town.

I think feeling the pain of others is good, that it is not an indication of not being or receiving healing. But the 16th is an assumption as long as I live in Blacksburg, not when I leave. So with that and other things I still wonder...

How do I let you redeem the brokenness in and around me God?

How to I use what I have experienced to encourage Your children?

How do I understand how all the brokenness I still feel fits into the idea of being a new creation in You? How can I explain that to others?

Why I Must Leave

So even as recently as last May I was still convinced I would never want to leave Blacksburg. It is a great town. I have loved my time here. There is no way I would be the man I am without being her now. Of this I am sure.

But as graduation comes ever quicker I am more and more sure that by the time the new Freshmen arrive I must be gone.

I used to just say it was a feeling, that I had no direction for my life but I just knew. That was hard to believe and hard to explain to the many dear friends I have made over the years. Especially hard for my relationship with one or two people who I love dearly who keep saying I should stay.

I finally have an answer. I have three goals that I want to seek, and I do not believe I can achieve these here.

1. Find a job
Seems simple, but I need to start earning money and figuring out what I do well in a business environment. A lot of people want to stay in Blacksburg after graduation and there are not many companies so that makes finding a job here hard. If I want to have a good shot at a good job in this climate it is likely not here.

2. Find a place to minister
I think that wording is awkward but correct. I have many gifts to use for the Glory of God. And I wish to use them. I may work for a church at some point or another ministry. But the over arching idea is that I need a place to use my gifts for the kingdom. That too is not here. There are many churches and yes the Church is not perfect here. They still have much room to grow as we all do. But I see passionate, driven, and able leaders here that are leading and serving and growing the Body here. In short, they have it covered, I need to go somewhere where they need someone like me.

3. Start a family in the next 5ish years
I felt dumb for so long with this as a goal, I have been almost conditioned by my time here to think that desiring that kind of relationship is wrong. But it is the truth. I want to actually go one a date and actually find a wife sometime in the next few years. But I think that at this stage it is actually one of the more legit desires I have. I have learned a TON from my sisters here at VT, the ones I have tried and failed to pursue and the ones that have always been sisters. I will be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, and husband for what I have learned here. But every girl I have tried to pursue was not interested, and the only girl I know was I realized it would not work. So I am not mad at the women here or at God, it just is apparent that dating was not God's plan for me here, so perhaps elsewhere?

So that is basically it. My three reasons why I am excited to leave Blacksburg.

Leaving awesome relationships and a place I love to who knows where. I still have no job, no place I plan to be. That is really scary. But I know these three goals are where I need to focus for now and what I want to be seeking.

These are not the only things I will be doing of course, continuing my walk and other things, but these are the three things that I want to seek that specifically lead me from Blacksburg to where ever I will be in 6 months.

Prayer is appreciated about finding this new place though!!!

And I still have a lot I wish to accomplish between now and May. This should be fun!

The Desire to be Wanted

It is interesting how as I approach the end of my time at VT how I am both the most mature I have ever been and the least mature.

I have a handle on my finances, I can have friends and fellow IVers come to me and talk and have something deep and important to say to encourage or challenge them, I can still pull meaning out of scripture, I have my classes down.

On the flip side, I find myself withdrawing like I did as a freshman, removing myself from people or situations I dislike or don't understand since "I'll be gone soon anyway", and my desire to be wanted is at an all time high.

I keep asking what I am to do with my life, and more and more I am seeing it likely is do whatever I want and honor God in that.

So now what?

I hear of friends being asked to move to cities to serve, being asked to apply to IV on staff, or being offered jobs or research opportunities.

I have had none of this directed to me individually.

I think two people asked why I didn't apply to IV staff, when I had been considering it for several years. The honest reason... I wasn't asked. My staff haven't mentioned it to me in ever really, and the few times I saw the area director he never mentioned it.

A rather immature reason but that is it. Now, I think IV staff was not the place for me now... but that is well after the deadline to apply, at the time that was my only reason.

I recall my old post about feeling God giving me the name "Desirable." And here this struggle still is.

I always feel like a support to my friends but hardly ever a partner, be it my brothers, or especially with my sisters in Christ.

Like my role is important but never exactly the role I am trying to play.

Eh, such is life.

I keep seeing brokenness in myself that seems to linger and brokenness in those I care about that I am unable to fix.

And I know God is there, trying to remind me that that is his job not mine, that he is enough even when I on my own am not.

How much selfishness is still in me I am yet to face?

How much longer will it take for me to actually take to heart the Gospel?

I try to make it so complicated, all this that has to be done, or calling, or vision, or all the self-centered aspects I throw in... MY purpose, MY desires, MY salvation...

Biblegateway's verse of the day lays it own plainly in the very beginning of God's Word...

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Put simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that that verse is possible. That we can be set free from sin to love and devote ourselves to God, to be in relationship with him after we broke it.

I am wanted, and yet I keep looking to others to show me that...

God, I know you have a purpose laid before me, please help me to enjoy the ride, and to live the life you gave me well.

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13 (ESV)
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I feel like I am calling out this Psalm every time something happens here...

It is amazing how easily I forget the last 2 verses in my cry to my Father.

I go from rejoicing in the blessings He has given me and us, or complacency in them to...

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget Virginia Tech forever?
How long will you hide your face from us?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV, bold my edits)

I am torn between wanting to feel this pain and confusion because it reminds me to rely on God.

And wanting to be impervious so I can stand in times like this.

Right now I can barely stand, let alone care for those God has put in my life adequately... how easily I forget who is in control.

I am not big enough to stop these things from happening, I am not big enough to comfort my friends as they need...

that kills me...

But God is, and he is at work through me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness!! (2 Cor 12:9)

Father as I feel like Psalm 13 describes my feelings, please help me to get to the last two verses.
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When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)

Why?

Why does this stuff keep happening to my school???

I am so tired of getting text messages, phone calls, emails, and seeing things posted on the VT homepage.

I am tried of calling my mother to tell her I am ok.

I am tired of trying to help others make sense of what is going on.

This world is so broken.



God please help me not to loose heart.

I feel lost in the woods

I'll post more once I have some time to work through this more, part of why I am headed out of Richmond later today a week early for class to take some time alone and with God.

I have no idea what is going on...

I have no idea what I want or should do when I graduate.

I am not even sure what to be up to when I get back to campus.

Over the last few months I have let my relationship with God wane a bit.

I have been spending time with him, just not the amount I need to.

The difference between now and a few weeks ago?

I have no vision...

I was on leadership with IV at Virginia Tech, I knew how to do that. I knew what to do.

I was ignoring the fact that I have a lot of choices and decisions that need to be made soon.

There are things I wanted to do with this 'free' semester, but at the moment I feel lost.

This next week is needed, I need to spend some time with an old friend, who has been waiting to hang out.

Hopefully I can start finding my way out of the woods soon.

I really hate this feeling of floating around without direction.

It would be awesome if God sent more angels to just say "do this."

But in the end this season will be good for me and deepen my relationship with God.

It just is not fun.