All for God's Glory

It is amazing how the longer you go not blogging the harder it gets. I feel the weight of writing about everything so I don't even start but not today.

Life has been interesting the last few weeks. I wish I could say it has been great, but that is not the best term.

The other Monday I got to sit with a friend and catch up a bit. As we talked he asked me to explain the Gospel. As I stumbled through an explanation he patiently listened.

After I had a chance to finish my long winded and unfocused description he asked a simple question.

"Have you ever noticed how the Gospel insults our pride as Americans but never our selfishness?"

I didn't quite follow at first. As I replayed the Gospel I just told and the one we so often hear I heard "you," "me," "us," etc. My entire description of the Gospel was about what God had done for me and had planned for me. The focus of the Gospel is God. His glory, his power, his love. The idea that Jesus came and died to be the way to reunite us with Himself is all about God, not about me. The focus is God's plan for the world not his plan for me. Or his promise to care for me.

This idea of me was all through my view of the Gospel.

A seed of an idea slowly grew in my mind. It came up in discussions with the men's group I attend and homegroup later that week. I heard it in music.

"I want my life to show, that I am thinking beyond myself." ~ A line from a song in new Newsboy's Album (Born Again)

THAT ENTIRE LINE IS ABOUT ME!!!! Almost every other word!

I have also been unable to remove my focus from John 15 as of late. The dozens of times I have read it in the past and last few weeks would lead me to think I had a good handle on it. Then I saw this...

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.
~ John 15:7-8

Even when He grants us the desires of our hearts the focus is on His glory!

This understanding is something I am just starting to grapple with, but oddly it has been encouraging to me. God does care about my life and what I am feeling and doing. But more importantly He is worthy of praise. His plan is beyond my comprehension, beyond a need for me.

But He has invited us to be part of that. And promised to care for us.

My problems seem a bit insignificant now.

Thank You Mere Christianity Journal

So for Christmas (either this last one or the one before) my parents got my brothers and I a hard copy of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and a companion journal.

I graciously accepted but since I have a copy of Mere Christianity and I usually find these guided journals worthless I was not that interested.

As many of you know my relationship with God has been difficult lately. Not that He is not still good, but through recent circumstances I have let my life fall apart in some ways.

My confidence is still returning, my excitement for life is coming back and my relationship with God is improving (I feel closer to Him and my mindset is increasing on Him), but I still feel less than I was just over a year ago.

So since I do not have regular accountability or discipleship I finally decided to crack open this journal thing and reread Mere Christianity.

Maybe the guiding will be an adequate replacement for discipleship at least to start me back on the path to closeness with God.

It has been interesting, not nearly as useless as I originally thought.

Yesterday I came across a question that hit something I am not sure I have ever quite accepted about God.

The chapter was on faith, the discussion question?

If you feel loved and secure in a relationship, do you try and earn the other person's love? Or do you do loving things for that person simply because you know you are loved? How does this translate into a relationship with God?

At first this was an easy question. No I do not try to earn the love of someone that I feel loves me in a secure relationship. That seems dumb, like going back to your employer after you have cashed you check and trying to earn the money in your hand.

IT IS YOURS!!!

In business you start earning the next check. In a relationship you love the other person. My understanding of what a marriage can be and what I think several of my closer friendships are is a focus on the other person.

You do not have to ensure you are loved or treated a certain way... the other person ensures that. You just love the other person.

Nothing new here, it is a great ideal to have in mind.

Wait, what was that third question?

How does this translate into a relationship with God?

Oh, wait...

I know God loves me and has accepted me as his child through Jesus.

What relationship is more secure than that?

But I keep feeling like I have to re-earn his love when I fail, or do the right thing to keep it.

So I keep coming to God asking for his love, asking him if I still have it.

That must get old. I mean imagine if a friend, significant other, or family member kept asking if their choices maintained your love. Or how they could re-earn your love when they did something stupid.

Where is the trust and love for you in a relationship like that?

I think it is lacking.

Is that really what I have been doing to God this whole time?

Can this life really be as simple as trusting and loving Him because he loves me?

If this seems obvious to you, then awesome. If not, consider if you were doing what I was doing.

I think God has a better life for us. I know he does.

Prejudice in My Life

Last weekend I went to the funeral of my girlfriend's grandmother in Pennsylvania. Not really a fun trip, but I was glad I could go to support her.

On the trip I saw a driver that was driving a bit erratically, as I got closer I saw that they had a West Virginia sticker on the back.

"Oh, that explains it" I thought.

Then the funeral was a Catholic funeral. As far as I can remember this was my first time in a Catholic church less than 200 years old, it was odd.

I thought the litergy was cool, the rest of the church could use more. Then they started saying something about Mary after the Lord's prayer. Then the priest kept talking about her and the saints. The 20 ft tall crucified Jesus did not help either.

You may think these two thoughts are not without merit. There are many documented cases of WVU fans being jerks and the school does have that reputation in parts.

My feelings on being in the Catholic church are not all that odd either. Many of the doctrines are borderline heretical from a Protestant/ Anabaptist view.

But I know that these feelings were not in the realm of past facts. I felt like I was judging those that held to the Catholic church as foolish. I know that I was not just assuming... I KNEW the driver was a jerk because of the WVU sticker.

I do not like that at all.

It gets easy for me to focus on an old sin that has been mostly conquered and feel like I am done growing. Or look at my recent distance from God and think that is the only issue I have.

I am still a broken person that God is doing is work in, and only by his grace is doing his work through.

In these times of revelation it is hard to remember that God sees us as a completed work, as pure and justified in Christ.

I need to remember that.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
(Colossians 3:1-4 NIV)

Rereading Genesis

In my last post I mentioned how friend said my story reminded him of the curse that came from the fall.

I was reading Genesis again, it felt like it might apply after that discussion.

Genesis 3: 8

God was walking through the garden looking for them but out of shame they hid. That hits really hard.

The last few months I have had a hard time feeling or hearing God. I have heard him in the past, but not recently.

A tear actually came to my eye when I read this. I feel so distant from Him at times, yet even having his presence walk with them in the garden they still felt he was holding out on them.

We still thought we knew better.

It is so easy to try to blame not feeling God for having difficulty listening and following Him.

The issue is much deeper than that it seems.

Work

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and
ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'

"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3: 17-19

I was recounting my feelings and thoughts from when I was still working to a friend. His response:

"I have never heard anyone so clearly articulate the effects of the curse in their own experience before."

So I went back and read some Genesis.

I believe three factors were at work with my last work experience.

1. Lack of perspective on work
2. Lack of alignment between who I am and my occupation
3. An increasingly negative work environment

I found myself returning to old patterns.

Isolation.
Disdain for myself.
Feeling hopeless. Worthless.

I woke up every day and did my job. But whether I worked hard or slacked off at the end of the day I felt like I had wasted my day.

Like I have spent all day in bed or in front of the TV. That lethargic feeling accompanied by regret.

So I forgot how to rest. When I was at work I tried to work. When at home I tried to do things that would make my day feel like something was accomplished.

Over time I just wanted to go to bed after work and do nothing.

Physically I was growing weaker from a lack of exercise or work.. but I was never physically tired. Mentally I was worn down, tired... but felt no accomplishment.

Unsure how to explain my situation and ashamed that I was not moving forward and that I had no vision, no goal I began to isolate myself. People important to me became those to avoid. I just didn't know how to answer the questions...

"How is work?"

"What do you do?"

"What are you up to?"

Each would be answered, but inside I felt like I did nothing. That I had no purpose. And I didn't even get the benefit of sleeping in or watching TV all day. I was doing work that could be done by a script.

I felt like my legacy was becoming the guy who lived alone, hating life, doing things a computer should do.

That is why I left.

I am ok with individual tasks being toil. But with nothing to work towards, not impact being made from the work (besides reducing the IT budget for a few months), I see no point.

Trusting God?

Ironically I was tasked lately with planning for Home-group on the topic of work. I say ironically because I am unemployed.

I wanted to lead on a section of Ecclesiastes. I liked the idea of talking about seasons. How there is a time for everything, and at times the time to not do something. I am usually not a fan of this concept in the moment. I want to be in control, I want everything to just be awesome. When I look back on the other hand I am glad for seasons. For times of learning specific things.

As I tried to prepare this discussion I kept being drawn to Matthew 25. This is the three part parable about what the kingdom of God is like: the 10 virgins awaiting the bridegroom, the master who goes on a long journey (parable of the talents), and the goats and sheep.

The middle section is commonly called the parable of the talents and is about a master who is leaving on a long journey. It is long enough that he must leave his servants in charge of his affairs, I imagine that if it was shorter he could afford to wait or just let things be. He entrusts five talents to one servant, two to the next and one to the last. He leave and on his return calls the servants to account for themselves. We see that the first two took their money and were each able to engage in trade to double their money, the master is overjoyed and invites the servants to celebrate with him; he also promises to give them more responsibility and money. The last, entrusted with only one talent, was afraid of the master so he buried the money and returned the same amount to the master. This is seen as an insult by the master, the servant is stripped of the one talent and kicked out of the house.

I did a little math. According to the footnotes in my Bible a talent is worth about 20 years wages for a laborer. For an estimation I assumed that a laborer would be someone who only makes minimum wage, works a normal 40 hour work week but does not get vacation (works 52 weeks a year). That gave me about $300,000 per talent. So reworded:

The master is leaving on a long journey. He entrusts on servant with $1.5M, one with $600k and one with $300k; each according to his ability. He then leaves.

This is the place I want to focus. I feel like this is where I am. I am not sure if I am the servant with the ability to be entrusted with $1.5M or $300k, but I am one of them. God has entrusted me with something and I want to hand it back to him with more in the end.

If I am honest with myself I am most like the servant who buried the money at the moment. I am terrified. I am scared of making a mistake.

What if I am 4th servant, the one not in the story that lost all his money?

Or worse, what if I succeed?

Both are scary thoughts. I want to just hand my one talent back the God and say "It is too hard, I am scared."

"You overestimate my ability."

But I do want to do something. I want to be a light, to serve others and be a part of bringing the kingdom into people's lives.

It is just so easy to let the fear of both success and failure to rule me.

The story just says that in the end the servants had double their money. It doesn't discuss how many times the lost money or had to start over in a new trading method or location.

They were rewarded because the master knew what they were capable of handling, gave that to them and they responded.

When I put it that way it feels much more manageable!

So at the end of the day, do I trust God to know me well enough to give me the right resources and opportunities?

Piece of Wood

My people inquire of a piece of wood,
and their walking staff gives them oracles.
For a spirit of whoredom has led them astray,
and they have left their God to play the whore.
Hosea 4:12 ESV

Last week I randomly turned to Hosea, and since we are studying that on Sunday morning at nlcf, I decided to read it next.

As I was reading I could not get past this verse. More specifically I could not get past "My people inquire of a piece of wood." I could be wrong, but in that line I sense frustration and pain.

God's people who have the privilege and right granted through Jesus to approach his throne to worship and petition him have turned to a piece of wood. Not even a man or a beast, but a piece of word.

None of those would be ok, but comparing the Lord of the universe or ANY king for that matter to a piece of wood seems laughably idiotic. The God who has given his people great promises to support and love them and performed many signs is being ignored...

FOR A PIECE OF WOOD!!!

How often do we do that in our lives? I know that has been a struggle of mine lately. Not that I have put any one thing over God, but... well maybe I have. I have been putting convenience and ease before him.

It is so much easier to throw myself into school or work or even into depression that it is to take bold steps to follow him.

I do not want to stop here. Along with this I have been thinking about the many things we as people do that to a lesser degree look like comparing God to a piece of wood.

- The guy plays a video game rather than making/ seeing his friends.
- The guy that looks at explicit websites when his wife is in the other room.
- The girl that watches romance movies alone rather than building her relationship.
- The freshman who gets drunk every weekend because they hate their life rather than doing something to change it.

Then there is me who found it easier to embrace self doubt and fear for trust and faith.

These are all replacing something amazing for something that is easier and ultimately does not meet the need we are trying to fill with it.

Right now self-doubt is my piece of wood that I go to when I should be going to God. I am safe there, I can't screw up and I can't fail. But that is not my goal, that is my fear. Much like Israel in this book, I have felt famine and pain while clinging to this idol. Only recently have I started to hear God again.

So, what is your piece of wood?

And now the non-awkward question: How have you put aside your pieces of wood in the past?

The Path?

I am starting to feel like I am hearing from God again. That is cool.

I am home for spring break (well I don't have a break, but with quitting my job I came home while my brothers had off). On Sunday the pastor was talking about giving, but he started by talking about trusting God. He said "Your direction, not intentions, determine your destination." I think he was on to something. The steps we take move us forward, not just thinking about taking steps. We cannot expect that if our thoughts and actions do not match that we will end up where we want to be.

We each have many paths we travel (relationships, work, finances, etc.) and each one has its own challenges, difficulties and goals. Often I feel a bit overwhelmed by the choices I have to make my own way. I wish God would just give me a step by step guide to life (of course if he did, I would likely try to find ways to do other things).

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I find this to be really encouraging. God knows that we do not have all the understanding or tools to make this life work. We need a guide, we need someone who will make our paths straight. But not only does he recognize that he OFFERS to do that for us. I think this passage is his advice for how to listen and follow him.

We need to offer up our goals and desires to him, he knows what we want and what we need better than we do. He is a good father that gives good gifts.

We need to believe that he knows more that we do and is able to take care of us.

We need to acknowledge him in everything we do. Not just saying "There is a God" but seeking to make him known, to honor him in every step, word and breath.

This lifestyle allows him to come in and make our paths straight, to lead us where he has planned for us to go.

Then this morning I finished Ecclesiastes.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

God is yet again asking us to seek and trust him. He doesn't give us the whole picture, but he promises to make our next step land on solid ground.

But we have to listen and trust.

Easier said than done I know, but I have needed to hear this.

Power

About two weeks ago now, in Home Group, we were looking at Psalm 100.

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!
² Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
³Know that the LORD, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
⁵ For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations. (ESV)

We were going through this passage in a Lectio Divina style so after we finished reading the passage a few times and praying through it the leader asked us to share what word or phrase stood out to us.

As I read and prayed I kept coming back to verse 3. "Know that the LORD, he is God!" The rest of the passage refers to God's goodness and love. But this section reminded me of his power. I believe LORD as it is here is a replacement for God's most holy name in Hebrew (I have not confirmed that), but in this one line we are reminded that he IS the LORD, he IS God.

Both Lord and God if you look them up contain power and authority as attributes that come with that name.

That is the thing I have missed these last few months. I was allowing my work, my tiredness, my fear, and my failures to erode my passion and vision. But most importantly I allowed them to erode me view of God.

I never doubted that He was good, but He slowly became impotent in my circumstances. My prayers shifted from excitement and trust to acknowledging his desire and plan but doubting but understanding that tomorrow would not change, to not praying much at all.

Do you keep calling a friend who remains silent? How long do you cling to a relationship that where the person means well but never does anything?

I hit that point in the last few weeks. I had forgotten that God DOES have the power to make his plans come to fruition. And he will.

Mundane

So today at church the pastor was talking about Exodus, the final talk in a series. Earlier they explained Exodus was a compound word meaning the "way out." Each week they has asked us to consider what we think God is leading us out of, but not to stop there.

God was leading his people out of Egypt into the promised land and into relationship with him. Jim proposed that the Exodus did not end when the Isrealites entered Canaan, but that it is also the journey that God is still leading his children on to this day. Through Jesus God is leading us on the way out, out of sin and death to Him.

He said one thing today that really stuck with me. "The miraculous becomes the mundane in no time."

The story of the Exodus is not one of God taking the quickest path to move his people from Egypt to the promised land. It is a story of God proclaiming his power and intentions to his people and the world. He lead his people on a longer path to Canaan to show them more and more that he loved them and provides for them. And many days all they could do is follow him.

So many times I, and I think we all, say "If only I had a pillar of fire/ smoke to follow." "If only I say the sea part before me to show me the way." We want miracles to guide us... I want them more than ever now that I can't default to the goal that has driven me since I could think rationally "graduate from college."

But God did that for his people and do you see where that got them? No where further than we get with our every day lives and interaction with him. We see in Numbers 13 that the spies that were sent did not believe they could take the land that God had given them.

All of God's miracles and all of the comments from us reading the story saying "Well if I saw THAT I would trust God" did not mean anything. They were scared, as they had every right to be.

Miracles can become mundane. If we could call them at our will we would control God, not the other way around. And miracles or not we all come to the point of making a choice...

"Knowing what I know of God, do I trust him enough to go and do this?"

People who have experienced far more miricles and those who have experienced far fewer have all made this choice. Some said yes, and we remember them as men and women of God. Other said no.

So, what choice do I make? What choice do you make?

Where I Am

So I have not posted here in a while. Life has been good and bad at the same time, and definitely busy.

I have been noticing the lack of community rather acutely recently.

Last week I saw my girlfriend for about 3 hours and one of my bestfriends, who also lives with me, for about 20 minuets. In the evenings alone I watched a lot of Hulu and felt like crap. I felt alone and started to see trains of thought that I thought were long behind me come back.

I was journaling at church today I started to recall some things I used to take for granted when I was in IV before graduating that I took for granted that I really miss now.

1. Being asked how God and I are on a regular basis at random by many different people.
2. Having a community of people to serve.
3. People to discuss my day with or plans for the future.
4. A group of people that were not afraid to challenge me.
5. A place to be reminded of who God is when I forget.

I have only experienced a small bit of this since graduation and the other graduates moving from this end of the state. With Jamie being a small group leader we have gotten to have a few awesome talks about how that is going with her and sometimes Joe and I talk.

But both of them have been on mostly opposite schedules of mine as of late and busy themselves. Plus most of Joe and my conversations have been about business-y things lately as we both are rather either arrogant or ambitious (not sure which) and trying to start many different enterprises.

I have not joined a church yet because I have not gone around and check out some of the ones I have heard about. I have been going mostly to [nlcf] because it is what I am used to and where Jamie and Michael (my little brother) go. The sermons have also been on Exodus lately and I have found them really interesting and applicable.

Not until today, however, did I consider the possibility that I was simply over thinking my church choice. They do many of the things I want to be involved with and have an older congregation I could get to know. And today I also realized that Joe, Jamie, and Michael all go there and are most of the people I actually see on a regular basis. After a week of minimal human interaction it is nice to see people that I love.

So now the question is do I decided to look at other places, that would be better in some ways and not in others, or do I decide the seeing my brother and girlfriend on Sunday mornings is a good reason to pick a church for the time being?

Being an over-thinker sucks. But regardless of the source I need to find community soon, because I cannot live this life alone.

Remembering Blessing

So my recent issues in life have been a broken A/C, which really annoyed me, caused me to loose sleep from the 'heat' and I am guessing that is why I am currently sick.

My other issue was sitting in the doctors office waiting for over two and a half hours just to see a doctor for a few minutes, get a prescription and use my hard earned money on antibiotics. Oh and I had to skip work because I felt like crap.

But I had A/C to miss, and even with that broken a bed to sleep in and food in the kitchen and refrigerator. I had a job that on a world standard is extremely high paying, even if it is not my dream job yet.

I could go to the doctor and even had excellent insurance to reduce the cost significantly. And I will still get paid for my sick day because I am a salary employee.

It is sooo easy to loose sight of how gifted I am to be born where I was born, have the support of an awesome family, have awesome friends, a degree from an awesome school, and an awesome job with a company that is growing in a time when most companies are firing people or at least not hiring.

God please keep my conscious of just how lucky and blessed I am.

Catching Up

So I have not posted much recently. That is mostly for lack of writing. I do have a new blog that is more geared to my musings and growth in the working world with less emphasis on the overtly spiritual (just ask if you want to know where it is). I intend to keep posting here in the coming months as I would like a place to get feedback and encourage people most specifically relating to my faith.

The other reason posts have been lacking is that I have completely lost my balance lately. I have not found a church home, but honestly I have been to bust to look. And with moving, traveling, and laziness I have let my quiet times and personal time with God become erratic and inconsistent.

So over the next few weeks I will be working to get my schedule back on track and to find a place to call home.

That will be interesting; unlike those that are completely cut off from their college communities I could still go if I wanted, it will be right down the road in a few weeks. However I know that is no longer where I am to be for my community.

I hope soon I can support that community as an outsider and an alumni, but it will be weird being close enough to a community I love and yet knowing I must find another.

Prayer would be appreciated as I seek a new community and seek to get my relationship with God back on track.

Long overdue post

So I am looking to start a new blog and run them simultaneously. This will stay under my name and be about my walk with God and the other will be more about my professional development and some of the projects I am working on to have fun and adjust out of the college life, but I will be posting to that blog under a pseudonym. I am just debating on name, but I am excited about that.

I have not felt like I have been growing all the much recently. But I think that is a bit of a misconception on my part.

I have been forced to trust. Forced to realize quite plainly that God makes absolutely no sense sometimes but he is caring for me none the less.

I have been dating an awesome woman of God for about two months now and that is pushing me in so many ways. Most importantly and obviously at this point is my selfishness. I have seen a completely new level of selfcenteredness arise in me through my interactions with her.

And I cannot forget to mention Rockbridge. I took the Kingdom Living track. Nothing was earth shattering but it was a good reminder about many of the things I have learned over the last few years that I care about that I have not thought of in a while.

The other point from Rockbridge worth mentioning is some straight up weird stuff happened. I saw on two consecutive nights brothers in Christ become 'filled with the Holy Spirit.' I use quotes not because I doubt that they were but because I have never seen anything like it. One has had deep scars from his early college career that he has not been able to move past and I saw the beginnings of healing and joy in him again. And the other had pain from loosing a friend and almost losing several others in a car wreck of sorts. The first seemed to think his situation was almost permanent then after praying with and over him he started to cry and laugh and shake... he spoke words of love and seemed almost drunk... IN AN INSTANT. The second went from yelling to try to express his emotions of anger and guilt (false guilt but guilt none the less... meaning he did nothing wrong) and anger with God to crying, laughing, and speaking love over those he came to... again in an instant.

He told me and one other guy God had big things planned for us... not the most enlightening sentiment but encouraging and needed. He also told me "You know you could be a pastor if you wanted to right?" That comment is a bit more deep and interesting. I hear that is what more charismatic denominations call prophecy... but I am not completely sure how to take it still.

If you are interested or care to keep me to my word here are my goals for the next few weeks/ summer:
- Check out Dwelling Place (local church that is a bit more charismatic)
- Meet with one of my Sisters in Christ who knows a good deal more about these kind of experiences
- Have daily quiet times (scripture and prayer)
- Actually do my investigation of the Name of God
- Find a church to become a member of
- Seek God's guidance more and more in my relationship with my girlfriend, learning to love her as much like God does as I am able
- Work on expressing what God puts on my heart in a concise manner

Thank you God for reminding me of what you have taught me in the past, showing me you are present and active in those I care about, and giving me more than I deserve.

Lots and Nothing to Think about All at the Same Time

So for a while I have felt off.

Life is going fairly well, I am finishing college, I have a girlfriend for the first time in years (and she is pretty awesome), I am applying to jobs waiting to hear back from one where the interview went well and applying to others, and I have friends.

There are also several potential projects that would provide new avenues for my creativity and gifts to shine through and develop.

But I have not had a passion in a while. No burning topic in the temporal or the spiritual that is captivating my attention.

While I have so much to learn about so many things I do not have that issue or topic that I care about.

Even my desire to work out what it means to have vision for myself, life and others has grown dull.

There is an exciting new chapter opening and an awesome chapter closing in my life right now...

I want passion and a topic or two that I am well versed in.

This blog may be redirected, left alone with the start of a second, or killed in favor of a second depending on what I choose to do.

This Blog was always for my close friends that wanted to know what I was up to as I struggled and worked through life. And I think overall it has done that.

But either I am going to fall away into obscurity or find the path I want to run down in my development as a person and as a child of God.

I hope for the latter.

2 Years Later

It has been 2 years since April 16th 2007...

that is about all I can say, my emotions are all messed up, but I did not want this day to go unmarked on my blog.

Wait... WHAT?!?!?!

So this week has been crazy. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of a while, at least in this small of a space.

The last few weeks I have finally started to see something come out of my prayers and times in scripture, not HUGE things, but little insights that have helped direct me and encourage me.

This week has put me in a position I did not expect on so many levels. I cannot explain in this post on the inter-tubes right now... but I got nothing.

Nothing that makes me worthy of the good things from this week.

Nothing that I can use to explain or push aside the negative things.

Nothing that I can use to take full control of my job search (the location of the negatives) or the rest of my life.

At the moment I am in a precarious position where if God is not with me, granting me wisdom and strength, I will fail.

The easiest way to describe this week is a combination and rapid succession of both positive and negative events and situations where the only thing I can think to do is cling to God.

God I pray that my eyes and heart are open to you and your guidance and mercy in my life...

cause on my own I've got nothing.

Selfishness

So I was sitting in the back of 180 as is my custom since I was a freshman. Nothing really on my mind, then a freshman got up from where he was,sat down and said I was on his heart and asked if he could pray for me. I told him there was nothing, which was not a lie but not really trying to think or express myself either.

So I sat there and I praying, but it was fairly general stuff in my head. And it occurred to me that I have not felt 'someone was laid on my heart' for some time.

I am in a time of transition and when I am in times like this I tend to withdraw. I am not in control, I do not know what to do to honor God, my friends, or myself. It is a double edged sword. Someone like me who has the memories and past of being ignored or just not sought out by friends I still have a hard time feeling completely alone when I am not part of the group. I have gotten better about it, and with me leaving and not being at VT next year I honestly also love seeing my friends hang out with and enjoy others. I enjoyed that before, but more so now that I am leaving. It helps me feel like they will be taken care of once I leave. But it also makes me feel like an outsider in my head long before my time to go.

And from that paragraph and other posts recently the conclusion that came to me might become clear. I have become incredibly self-centered. Here is an example of my prayers for the last few months:

- God, how do I end my time at VT well?
- God, how can I honor you today?
- God, what will I be doing after I graduate?
- God, where will my next step take me?
- God, where should I look or what should I do to find a job?
- God, how do I love my friends well?
- God, how do I figure out how to interact with my friends since I am leaving?
- God, please give me wisdom.
- God, please show me how you will help me with my goals.
- God, how do I love/ interact with X? (specific friends)

Even in my desire to do things for others my prayer is about me.

I find myself feeling out of place easy. Getting frustrated with friends that are going through hard times and not talking to me about it.

Something about this time feels off from times I have felt like I was in a good relationship with God. And even now God is still using me to care for people and help them come to a better understanding of God. Like I say something that is an epiphany for them but I still feel like just some guy.

I want my focus to be on God and the things of his kingdom. I want loving my friends to be something I think/ feel like I do well, not something I feel I am failing at.

But this time it seems like I can only think in terms of I or me.

God please help me see how to live out the life you have given me. To be able to enjoy my relationships and live out the Gospel in everything I do.

Injustice and Justice

So recently in IV or NLCF, I can't remember which; they were discussing justice, God's Justice. And they used an interesting definition of injustice.

Injustice is taking something from someone who has no ability to keep you (or the doer of injustice) from doing so, or being able to reclaim what was taken.

They explained it for different groups,

Sex Slaves - their sexuality meant to be shared with the person of their choosing is taken from them and abused on a daily basis, they cannot stop it or fight back.

Homeless/ Hungry - regardless of how they got there, they are unable to earn money or keep food or possessions for themselves and so often if something is taken from them they are ignored.

I think of the entire movie "Slumdog Millionaire." He constantly has anything good taken from him by others, sometimes strangers and even his own brother. The entire movie he has no recourse. The point from the talk is that we as a body are about restoring humanity and justice to people. That we should use our gifts of money, time, education, power, etc to stand for those that cannot. When I think of how if anyone took something from me or did something to me how between who I am, my money, and my connections to others with standing and more money... I will get justice....

I agree whatever my career looks like I want to be about living generously, helping others stand, showing them the respect and love God has for them and this world should have for them. But I was thinking.... using that definition we need to be careful. It is not perfect of course, but there is a side missed. I am a fan of small government. There is an old saying...

"Capitalism is unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is equal distribution of poverty, and communism is socialism with a gun to your back."

This person is obviously not a fan of communism... but how does government work? It has guns and jails to ensure you follow their rules.

So is it right as Christians to fight for social programs from the government?

How are they paid for? Taxes, taking from those who have no ability to keep you from taking from them or able to get it back.

Yeah usually the argument is that "They have enough." or "They got that money BY exploiting people it is only right to return it by taking it from them!"

I think many social and racial issues can be solved by fixing the government or ever ambiguous "System" we refer to.

But my hesitation so many times I speak with friend, brothers and sisters with God about Justice is the solution almost always is Government Program X, Y, or Z getting more money.

More money for Schools!!!! When the best systems in this country spend far less per student than the worst.

More Welfare Money!!!! When it has such a history of abuse.

Not that I do not want to see Schools improve or people be supported and find work. I do, I know God does. I just think we as Christians need to think very carefully before we get in bed with the Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, the United Way, etc.

So I ask, can you solve bring Justice to others through unjust means?

Social reconciliation... we need this too, and I see others and even myself become turned off to supporting groups and projects every day when they start saying the Government needs to take from the rich, and take care of the poor... loosing much of the money on the way.

I want to be about heart change, leading myself, my future family, and others to living lives that a generous, not insulating ourselves from pain and poverty through the government and charities... not by giving my money so some political party can have people thank them, glorify them, when it is God who should be praised...

As I write this I have passed by 2 homeless men at different times in the last 7 days. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on... but there are my 2 cents.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

I didn't see, when I was thirsty you lobbied Congress and they gave me cash... but feel free to disagree with me, most do. But I thought it was worthy of being said.

Questions

I find the older I get the more my questions are not answered directly but simply lead to more and deeper questions.

Or just back to the same old questions from before...