It has been a long week or so. I am just totally exhausted, I find myself sleeping, eating, doing various chores, or playing Phoenix Wright (it is a good game). But I am still not focused on God like I would like.
Ironic being this is the time of Advent.
I was rereading John today, and just remembering that I actually have a reason to struggle, even if all other reasons for my faith seem to fade.
I used to think this time of year was completely dumb. That Easter should be big, who cares about his birth, all it is is something required for him to do the rest. But this is equally important, as I have seen in the last few years.
His birth was a huge act of sacrifice. Not quite as big as having God temporarily turn his face away from him as happened on the cross, but still. Jesus went from being God and with God, to being a child born to a common if not poor family. He was still God but he gave up his splendor in almost its entirety to become on of his creations. He entered into creation and his own dearly loved creations did not recognize him as John says.
He went from the top of the universe, but even higher, the creator and sustainer of the universe, and now he was hungry, thirsty, and had to rely on others.
That act was the one the bridged the gap from God to man, that step is what he builds upon for our salvation. His birth is not merely a required state in order for the later ones, it is the foundation, God coming to us to rebuild the relationship we broke.
God loving us enough to be the one to have to humble himself, not making us come to him, but making the way for us.
His birth brings hope into this world.
That hope is why we struggle, we know there is better for us, we are not resigned to the way things are. We can accurately see the brokenness in the world and in ourselves. But that hope frees us to move forward.
When life is hard, I CAN struggle because of what Jesus did at his birth. I can wrestle with the view I have of myself. I can wrestle with what I want my life to look at, and I can face my past. All because of the hope of who God created me to be, the hope in the fact that He has a purpose and is doing a work in me he will take to completion.
Merry Christmas, and Thank you so much for sticking with me.
I do not deserve a God like you... God.
I do not deserve friends like you... those who are reading this and those who will never read this.
Those are some of the greatest gifts I will ever be given.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Affirmation is Hard to Take
So it is the end of my last Fall Semester as an undergraduate student.
That is hard to take in, this has been my life for so long and so many things have been culminating in events in these years it is hard to think of leaving, but the closer I get the more I see it is just about time.
So with the end of the semester comes the end of my term on Vision Team (Coordinating or Exec for you other IV Chapters). I have been one of the Small Group Coordinators for 2 years. In about a week I will go from knowing what is going on and directing and trying to cast and cultivate vision to having no clue what is going on and just being along for the ride. Next semester will be my 3rd of 10 semesters no on some sort of leadership...
Last week at our last VTeam meeting we did affirmations of each other on the team. I was ready to go, one way I have been growing is speaking my mind quicker, and there were a lot of things I wanted to affirm in my teammates that were long past due...
They picked me first...
I am going to share what they said, not to brag but so you can see my dissonance.
- Several mentioned that I have "Spiritual Maturity"
- My heart for SGLs and working to see them grow
- the fact that people in the chapter follow me and I have used that to push them in positive directions
- That I have been around and know how the chapter has gone and works
others were mentioned but these stood out to me... I kept thinking of "Yeah but..."s to all of these...
- My heart grew due to others influences on me and being able to partner with them to care for our Leaders
- I have seen that people respect me and follow me, I don't quite understand it, but the "things" I did with that, really? The leaders put in all the work; I don't even think I challenged them well.
- thinking I know how the chapter runs is one of the things that has caused the most tension between me and staff this year, is that really a benefit?
- And "Spiritual Maturity"???? Really? All the stupid crap I have done, and you use that term to describe me?
It especially was surprising hearing some of these things from my Staff, I have been unsure of how they have viewed me all year. I have been under the impression that my actions and opinions have made me a royal pain in their sides. It was good to see that wasn't all I did this year.
Then we had the last SG of the semester in the on campus SG I go to. And the leaders had us send them affirmations about everyone else and they compiled them so they would be anonymous.
- Incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, earnestly cares, strong in his faith, insightful (several times), respectable, willing to listen
then the two that hit me the hardest:
- You are one of the wisest people I know. Don't doubt yourself. (I kind of want to know who wrote that)
- I am overly thankful for Allen. He's impacted my life so much in the short time I've been here, and I just enjoy hanging with him. Plus, he has a Greek Bible.
Again, I am posting these because I don't deserve any of these words.
Especially the last one, I know who wrote that, and I had honestly felt that I was wasting his time. I was not as focused or prepared for Discipleship as I wanted to be.
As a close brother of mine recently said, "We are our own worst critics." He is an artist, he should know.
All I see is how I have failed so often.
- I am not prepared
- I am talking to much
- I am betraying they're trust
- I feel like I want to run away
- I can't believe I said that!
- I only think about myself
- I have so much room to grow
- WHY ARN'T I PERFECT YET??!?!?!?
- I just want to stop letting people down or hurting them
- I keep failing
- I am tired of losing
- I am tired of judging others in my mind
- I am tired of giving up on my friends
Yet people who are around me when I think thoughts like that the most... wrote or said the stuff I put in here....
They seem so diametrically opposed... can they really all be opinions about the same person?
The guy who only has so much social energy before he has to disappear?
The guy who just this week, just yesterday got so fed up with a few friends... over something insignificant in the long run, that he just didn't (doesn't) want to deal with them anymore?
How can we be talking about the same guy?
That is why affirmation is so hard to take... but so important.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Heat... hmmmm
So this is going to be legitimately short. But it is snowing today in Blacksburg, and I love it. I love Winter. But it is a bit cold in my apartment... so I turned on our heaters.
I have several Jackets to choose from, one that is ready to go with my winter golves, hat, and facemask.
I so easily forget how much of a blessing that is just to have those things...
Thanks God.
Please help me never to forget about all the blessings I have, that I have money, that I have credit to be billed later for my electricity, that I have my own place and car.
Wow.
I have several Jackets to choose from, one that is ready to go with my winter golves, hat, and facemask.
I so easily forget how much of a blessing that is just to have those things...
Thanks God.
Please help me never to forget about all the blessings I have, that I have money, that I have credit to be billed later for my electricity, that I have my own place and car.
Wow.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
My Life is one big Paradox
I have enjoyed confidence and contentment that I am not sure I have ever known over the last few weeks.
Yet there are things I want or need to do that I hesitate to do.
The Question "What do I need to do in this situation (relationship, idea, etc.) to honor God?" both clarifies everything and doesn't.
It is so hard to tell the difference between wisdom and fear when it is a debate in acting or not when unsure of the outcome of if the action is even necessary.
I need to live a life without fear, and yet i don't want to hurt people just to live out my life without fear... which one is honoring God... is there a way to live without fear, honor God, and not hurt people?
On one hand I honestly and accurately say life is good and I am happy, on the other there are many things up in the air that I am unsure how to deal with or fix.
This seems like a welcome to life type thing, but it is also incredibly confusing.
Also the idea of Graduating in May... incredibly scary and sad, and very encouraging and exciting.
Thank the Lord I have a Father who knows how to give good gifts, and desires me to grow and has a place prepared for me...
a place I am going...
and a place I already am. (Colossians 3)
hmmmm.
Yet there are things I want or need to do that I hesitate to do.
The Question "What do I need to do in this situation (relationship, idea, etc.) to honor God?" both clarifies everything and doesn't.
It is so hard to tell the difference between wisdom and fear when it is a debate in acting or not when unsure of the outcome of if the action is even necessary.
I need to live a life without fear, and yet i don't want to hurt people just to live out my life without fear... which one is honoring God... is there a way to live without fear, honor God, and not hurt people?
On one hand I honestly and accurately say life is good and I am happy, on the other there are many things up in the air that I am unsure how to deal with or fix.
This seems like a welcome to life type thing, but it is also incredibly confusing.
Also the idea of Graduating in May... incredibly scary and sad, and very encouraging and exciting.
Thank the Lord I have a Father who knows how to give good gifts, and desires me to grow and has a place prepared for me...
a place I am going...
and a place I already am. (Colossians 3)
hmmmm.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Reminders in Discipleship
It is really cool when you bring something to share with a younger student and it is what you need to hear.
I have been asking one of my guys to consider three questions:
1. Who is God?
2. Who am I?
3. What am I here to do?
Those questions should be read as if you or he are asking them, not asking him about me.
And so I planned to discuss 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. This occurs after Paul is discussing sexual immorality in the Church, but I find it's impacts to go further.
We started to discuss this verses implications for the three questions. And came down to a few questions we both needed to consider this week...
- What would it look like if we truly believed our bodies were the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- What would it look like if we lived like we were not our own, but were God's?
I need to be reminded of these things often, I do not do either well. Thanks God.
I have been asking one of my guys to consider three questions:
1. Who is God?
2. Who am I?
3. What am I here to do?
Those questions should be read as if you or he are asking them, not asking him about me.
And so I planned to discuss 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. This occurs after Paul is discussing sexual immorality in the Church, but I find it's impacts to go further.
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (ESV)
We started to discuss this verses implications for the three questions. And came down to a few questions we both needed to consider this week...
- What would it look like if we truly believed our bodies were the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- What would it look like if we lived like we were not our own, but were God's?
I need to be reminded of these things often, I do not do either well. Thanks God.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'm Content with Losing
Besides being an Underoath song, it is a good phrase to describe me. Check out the lyrics here.
I need to preface this post with the obligatory "I am not suicidal" statement (cause people always ask when I make a post that is at all depressing) but this is something I have been struggling with over the last few years and still am struggling with.
I feel I have Joy in the Lord, I feel it, and a few people have commented on a peace about me in different points in my life.
But I am rarely happy for a long period of time. My happiness is extremely fleeting. It comes and goes about as quickly as a smile or a look.
I will take an event or a relationship or a position and make it a source of happiness. And I will enjoy it for a while, but once I hit the point where I can take a step and see if that thing will truly be more, something that helps me grow and builds into long term happiness and joy or if the extra attention I am giving it is wasted, I back off and find ways to doubt.
Ways to doubt myself, that thing or person, that situation until that happiness turns to concern and worry.
Or I have a chance to take a stand up or do something that I feel needs to happen. I will generally doubt that I need to do anything, or that I should. Nothing happens and I add fuel to my future doubts.
I prefer to feel struggle and pain to happiness. Not that I really do, but my actions tend that way, almost every time I have a risk a choice before me I chose to do nothing, to let the chance pass. I would rather miss something than fail.... but in the end I still lose.
But that is not living out a passionate life, one striving after God.
I quote this verse regularly (Matt 6:25-34) to others to help them live in the freedom Jesus gives us, and I keep myself locked in by my fear, because I am used to it, I am content in my discontentment.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (1 Cor 5:17, NIV)
It is time I gave up my fear, and my contentment with losing and being discontent and lived like the man of God that I am now... a man that can stand in the face of sin and fear in the power of Christ.
A man that goes not by names given by the enemy or his own flesh but...
by the name(s) God gave him...
Desirable, My Child, Enough.
Added 10/23/08:
It is hard to believe that for long when just about every time I take a chance with anything... I fail. Part of me thinks that at least losing only hurts me. Why are lies so much easier to believe than truth?
I need to preface this post with the obligatory "I am not suicidal" statement (cause people always ask when I make a post that is at all depressing) but this is something I have been struggling with over the last few years and still am struggling with.
I feel I have Joy in the Lord, I feel it, and a few people have commented on a peace about me in different points in my life.
But I am rarely happy for a long period of time. My happiness is extremely fleeting. It comes and goes about as quickly as a smile or a look.
I will take an event or a relationship or a position and make it a source of happiness. And I will enjoy it for a while, but once I hit the point where I can take a step and see if that thing will truly be more, something that helps me grow and builds into long term happiness and joy or if the extra attention I am giving it is wasted, I back off and find ways to doubt.
Ways to doubt myself, that thing or person, that situation until that happiness turns to concern and worry.
Or I have a chance to take a stand up or do something that I feel needs to happen. I will generally doubt that I need to do anything, or that I should. Nothing happens and I add fuel to my future doubts.
I prefer to feel struggle and pain to happiness. Not that I really do, but my actions tend that way, almost every time I have a risk a choice before me I chose to do nothing, to let the chance pass. I would rather miss something than fail.... but in the end I still lose.
But that is not living out a passionate life, one striving after God.
I quote this verse regularly (Matt 6:25-34) to others to help them live in the freedom Jesus gives us, and I keep myself locked in by my fear, because I am used to it, I am content in my discontentment.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (1 Cor 5:17, NIV)
It is time I gave up my fear, and my contentment with losing and being discontent and lived like the man of God that I am now... a man that can stand in the face of sin and fear in the power of Christ.
A man that goes not by names given by the enemy or his own flesh but...
by the name(s) God gave him...
Desirable, My Child, Enough.
Added 10/23/08:
It is hard to believe that for long when just about every time I take a chance with anything... I fail. Part of me thinks that at least losing only hurts me. Why are lies so much easier to believe than truth?
Sunday, September 28, 2008
I am not Strong enough
So I have felt really weak lately. Odd because I have lost 20 some pounds since May and my body is stronger than it has been in years.
But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.
And I can't do anything.
There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.
I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.
That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...
But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.
God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.
But so many of my friends have problems... school, relationship, health, family, etc. So many of my friends are going out of their minds with stress.
And I can't do anything.
There are some issues within my community here at VT. And I don't have the strength to fix them... I don't even know where to start.
I am just not strong enough to deal with and fix all the issues around me that I want to fix.
That is partly good. I have been needing to rely on God more. Because he is strong enough, and I know he has my back and cares for the rest of his children that are hurting...
But I still want to help. I still want to fix things... and I can't.
God help me to see where you have granted me the strength to be involved and to support my friends or push for change. And please give me peace about the places where I can't.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Not Sure What to Write
I just want to blog... and I have so much to say but am not sure how to say it. Or at the moment what it is.
So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:
- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride
I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.
I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.
But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.
It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.
But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.
As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?
Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.
And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.
So dumb.
It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.
Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.
But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.
God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.
Not that I am perfect mind you.
It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.
Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.
Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.
So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.
It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.
Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.
God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.
But for now where I am at.
So here is something. I was meeting with Jenny (one of the IV staff at VT) and Erica (the other Small Group Coordinator). We were trying to get an idea for where we wanted to head for our Small Group Leader Meetings as far as Leadership Development. And I picked up one book we were skimming through and came across a section called "the three worst reasons to not share." I was intrigued. They were:
- Fear
- Narcissism
- Pride
I thought about it and agreed completely... then it stated to sink in. CRAP!!! I am doing that right now.
I am in an odd place. At a small group of mostly freshmen and sophomores I have fallen asleep, shared stories of pain in my past, and asked for prayer in worry over little things (small things have been getting to me recently, though that has ended somewhat). So I appear rather open.
But in that moment I saw that I was not opening up over all and it was hurting me a lot. I was hiding things from my friends. I felt I should be beyond this struggle as a 5th year senior and a second term Vision Team Member. I was also tired of hearing myself talk about it, I wanted to be available to others to support them not have this issue be a problem. The issue... I could regret putting this online, but I am struggling with being single again.
It is interesting rather than the classic male mode of struggling with it, it has been wanting the actual relationship... the emotional connection is the thing I have been dreaming of. Which is partly comforting and still very much not where I should be.
But at the NSR (New Student Retreat) I had some time to sit down and journal on the beach... AWESOME. And God and I got some perspective and that night I had a great convo with a few other leaders with freshmen listening in on and off.
As much as I don't see myself as prideful or narcissistic, I was being both. I know I have an issue with fear, what if I screw up a perfectly good friendship? I am a leader... what if I screw things up with a fellow leader?
Then the narcissism came in with, I am tired of talking about this? I don't want people to not come to me cause of this struggle.
And pride, I should be beyond this struggle, I want people to see me as strong and mature, this does not sound that way.
So dumb.
It is odd as I get older I mature and become a better disciple and leader. But some sin is more glamorous to share almost. Some struggles seem ok to have to share and build closeness and community and encourage others. Some struggles are great in the past to share.
Some I am just willing to share cause I need prayer an help.
But this one knocks me on my butt each time. And it causes me to doubt myself and my gifts so much.
God has not put someone in my life yet. But he has put me in a position to give advice on relationships on an almost daily basis. I start to doubt my ability to advise and my authority to do so, even though people thank me when I do and call me out when I don't cause it is what I should do.
Not that I am perfect mind you.
It is almost like I see singleness as good, dating as good, engagement as good, and marriage as good... but the interface between singleness and dating as just bad.
Some from my over thinking, and some from my experiences. But it is to the point where instead of being confident in myself through Christ until someone I can date some along, I am confident in my singleness... I start to be interested in someone or in this case just dating an i instantly see it as wrong and try to move on.
Don't get me wrong, life is awesome. I am happy and things are going well. I am in the word and I can see and feel God at work.
So again I might regret posting this online... since I don't know who all reads this. But I think this should be said. So here it is.
It is amazing how our flesh and satan seem to know exactly which struggle will cause us to withdraw and faulter from heading forward in our walk and our relationships.
Thank you God for brothers and sisters and prayer to help me gain perspective and start to move past this struggle... one struggle at a time.
God help the fruit of the Spirit come out of every part of my life... out of my singleness and sometime in the future out of interest in one of your daughters.
But for now where I am at.
Friday, September 12, 2008
1 Corinthians 1:3-5
This was shared with me recently and really was encouraging to me.
1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Emphasis mine.
Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.
1 Corinthians 1:3-5 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Emphasis mine.
Thank you God. Please help me to remember to come to you and be comforted by you and to use the strength and love you give me to care for others... not my own strength.
My EMT
This summer I started needing 36 hours of continuing education hours for my EMT. I wanted to keep my EMT, but was not sure if I could do it.
And some of you know how much my EMT has been a blessing and a curse. You can look at my second blog entry to see one instance. It is a source of pride and obligation. An Identity that is not God. It at times is a competing identity with my identity in God.
So I prayed in May... "God if you want me to keep this please open the doors, if not please close all doors, until then I am going to do all I can to get it. I want this to be yours if I keep it."
So I started, online I easily got 24 of my classes after work and such.
Looking for the last 12 I easily found 10 of them.
Several classes were while I was in Italy.
I got back from Italy and one of the last 2 hours I was looking for got moved.
So crap, how am I going to get this. One of my instructors gave me the credit cause I helped him teach that section in his class.
SWEET.
I got all my hours, but it is mid-July.
I went to apply to my squad, and try to get them to agree to sign me off on my EMT once my hours cleared.
They told me I have not ridden enough and they would not accept me back because I was about to go back to school and would not be able to ride... all because by turning 21 I got kicked out of the Junior squad where I was a full member and could go on leave of absence. Nope not this time.
WELL CRAP!!! I have spent so many hours finding and taking classes, I could have slept, read or done any number of things with this time.
Now to keep my EMT I have to retest. The test has two parts a multiple choice section and a practical portion. I am a good test taker so I think the first part is doable, but the practical portion is going to be hard, I had a partner that I had practiced with last time and had been preparing specifically for this for 2 months last time. I don't know if I could pass that part again without more time.
So yet again I started to make peace with not being an EMT come the end of August.
Then I looked into it, if I take the test before I expire I only have to take the written portion.
Sweet, I can do that.
But there are only two dates I can make the test... 1 the day before I need to be back in Blacksburg in Richmond and 1 the Saturday before classes start in Roanoke.
The second would be during NSO, that would suck... but I am not sure I'll get my letter in time for signing up for the test. I need it in 5 days, and my last few hours have not shown up.
So I emailed the Office of EMS asking about it.
I call my Instructor for those last two classes, she knows the guy at the OEMS and will take up my hours personally in 2 days.
I called ODEMSA (the local EMS Alliance that runs the test site). They said since I only have to take the written part I have until 3 days before the test, that give me like another week!!!
Then I get an email from the OEMS guy and he called mt Instructor got my hours in the system and will email a copy of my letter to me and CC the test site by tomorrow or the next day!!!!
WOW. Now I have to study.
I am confident I can save someones life, but these details are hard to keep straight, for a test atleast.
I took the test, ironically the class I was working with (for my CEUs I helped the Instructor teach) was testing that day.
The test was hard, I had answers but never quite the same as my wording or thought process.
So for the third or fourth time I was preparing myself to not be an EMT.
Before classes started I got a call from my family... I passed.
I don't think it translated well here, but I kept having doors shut, nothing open, then right when I would hit the now or never point, a door would open that I could step through. Like a continuous process trying to break my EMT away from being an identity of mine and move it to an aspect of me, something nolonger competeing with God, but subservient to him.
Lets hope it stays that way.
And some of you know how much my EMT has been a blessing and a curse. You can look at my second blog entry to see one instance. It is a source of pride and obligation. An Identity that is not God. It at times is a competing identity with my identity in God.
So I prayed in May... "God if you want me to keep this please open the doors, if not please close all doors, until then I am going to do all I can to get it. I want this to be yours if I keep it."
So I started, online I easily got 24 of my classes after work and such.
Looking for the last 12 I easily found 10 of them.
Several classes were while I was in Italy.
I got back from Italy and one of the last 2 hours I was looking for got moved.
So crap, how am I going to get this. One of my instructors gave me the credit cause I helped him teach that section in his class.
SWEET.
I got all my hours, but it is mid-July.
I went to apply to my squad, and try to get them to agree to sign me off on my EMT once my hours cleared.
They told me I have not ridden enough and they would not accept me back because I was about to go back to school and would not be able to ride... all because by turning 21 I got kicked out of the Junior squad where I was a full member and could go on leave of absence. Nope not this time.
WELL CRAP!!! I have spent so many hours finding and taking classes, I could have slept, read or done any number of things with this time.
Now to keep my EMT I have to retest. The test has two parts a multiple choice section and a practical portion. I am a good test taker so I think the first part is doable, but the practical portion is going to be hard, I had a partner that I had practiced with last time and had been preparing specifically for this for 2 months last time. I don't know if I could pass that part again without more time.
So yet again I started to make peace with not being an EMT come the end of August.
Then I looked into it, if I take the test before I expire I only have to take the written portion.
Sweet, I can do that.
But there are only two dates I can make the test... 1 the day before I need to be back in Blacksburg in Richmond and 1 the Saturday before classes start in Roanoke.
The second would be during NSO, that would suck... but I am not sure I'll get my letter in time for signing up for the test. I need it in 5 days, and my last few hours have not shown up.
So I emailed the Office of EMS asking about it.
I call my Instructor for those last two classes, she knows the guy at the OEMS and will take up my hours personally in 2 days.
I called ODEMSA (the local EMS Alliance that runs the test site). They said since I only have to take the written part I have until 3 days before the test, that give me like another week!!!
Then I get an email from the OEMS guy and he called mt Instructor got my hours in the system and will email a copy of my letter to me and CC the test site by tomorrow or the next day!!!!
WOW. Now I have to study.
I am confident I can save someones life, but these details are hard to keep straight, for a test atleast.
I took the test, ironically the class I was working with (for my CEUs I helped the Instructor teach) was testing that day.
The test was hard, I had answers but never quite the same as my wording or thought process.
So for the third or fourth time I was preparing myself to not be an EMT.
Before classes started I got a call from my family... I passed.
I don't think it translated well here, but I kept having doors shut, nothing open, then right when I would hit the now or never point, a door would open that I could step through. Like a continuous process trying to break my EMT away from being an identity of mine and move it to an aspect of me, something nolonger competeing with God, but subservient to him.
Lets hope it stays that way.
I am Lame
So it is 10:40pm on a Friday night.
And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).
I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.
I am just exhausted.
I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.
It is the stupid little things.
This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.
I even journaled on how content I felt.
Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.
But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.
I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.
So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.
Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.
Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.
And I am in my apartment rather than being in one of the dorms with a group of IV ppl (new and old).
I even walked to 7-11, met the group, walked to Pritchard (the dorm) watched the start of "Casino Royal" then left.
I am just exhausted.
I ran into a group of my friends (including a few freshmen, and some people I really want to spend more time with) that were trying to figure out why I was leaving Pritchard.
It is the stupid little things.
This week was pretty good. SGs were good and I am ahead in my classes. My relationships with many of my friends are awesome too.
I even journaled on how content I felt.
Today I was going to take some time to rest before helping to set up the projector for 180. Instead I went to help one of our guys get the equipment because no one else was. I was glad to help... then I got a ticket. We are allowed to park where I did though generally you can't, and I got a ticket. Then we tie-dyed t-shirts as a small group. That went well in general, working on how I interact with my friends but that is just being picky. We went to dinner and I was feeling tired, then I got a call that the projector was acting up again... the new one... that should work awesomely. So more and more I was just getting fed up. As it turns out we found the issue with the projector and it is fixed... and 180 went well. Also at 180 one of my SGLs told me about how awesome their Small Group went. I also talked to a few friends about meeting and catching up. So all in all a great night.
But that few hours of stuff going on completely drained me.
I don't know, I am in a great spot in so many ways. I am studying scripture on my own, meeting with my guys, and had my first meeting with my discipler this week, but little things can drain me sooooo fast.
So I dropped by the action for a few min to say hey, and came back here to chill a bit and sleep.
Hopefully I'll feel better than I do... It is only feelings.
Life is awesome, but things just get under my skin so quick, I just want things to go smoothly for a while.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I may have written this before but I need to write it again.
I have a limit, I have mental disciplines that help reduce my worry and stress level but they only work to a point. Almost like my productivity and sanity are made better with one level of stress, i go in to survival mode when another level is reached, and when i exceed the last marker I just lose it.
Luckily I know what to do when I lose it, sleep and refocus on God, and in a few hours I am back to survival mode or my optimal stress level. But it takes a few hours.
So this week:
- NSO, awesome time, but for Vision Team and SGLs it is sooooo busy
- Cancellation of an NSO event due to rain, that kinda bugged me, but that was not in our control
- With classes starting I have been in survival mode (I get really task oriented) and have not been having good interaction with my friends
- Part of the previous point conversations like this (this is mostly with just a few of my close friends but has happened with others too)
Me: "Hey, can you do this for X event."
Friend: "Sure, blah blah blah."
Me: "Awesome, blah blah details blah"
Friend: "Ok, I'll take care of it."
Me: "Thanks... .... .... .... Um, how is..... ..... ..... bye."
- Trying to balance my position trying to push and care for the other leaders and still being thier friend, not being "power hungry" or "lecturing" but still Allen
As a friend said in a text conversation earlier Friday "It seems like just when I start to get ahead or on track something else pops up" (horribly paraphrased, sorry)
Oh boy.... I had no idea how true that would be in my life.
Friday night: projector issues occurred during our first 180, which as an old AV guy, I take personally a bit, then we had a huge party in my apartment complex that went awesomely, likely 1/3 to 1/2 of the people were new.... but
On my way back I got a call that my parents were stuck in WVA, thier car broke down. We are talking for good. They wanted to see if i could get them to a hotel and a rental car.
I am in the middle of hosting an event, our projector (the NEW projector) is acting up, I am in charge of an event in the morning, and there is a Football game later in the afternoon.
AHHHHHHH.
I get my roommate and a friend to act as host. And annother Vision Team member cover for me in the morning. Then plans changed and I was leaving in the morning. So instead of continuing to be in the party I tried to go to bed with Rock Band going in the other room. Which wouldn't be a problem but I was thinking to hard. And texting people, the guy who was coving for me I was sending him what I had to do, one guy offered to come and I was talking to him about staying, my family was sending me info about where they were, and one person was talking to me about SGL stuff, kinda, that conversation was the worse for me just over talking and analizing.
The drive itself was awesome, I needed the time alone. It was good to talk and sort through life with myself and God for a few hours.
I get back and I thought that we would be set up to watch the game. No, the guy doing that is at my doorstep 30 min before kick off. lots of mis-communication caused that. Then the room we got that I was under the impression got cable, didn't so I am on my way to watch the game, and we invited freshmen and we got nothing.
I went from feeling good to just not wanting to show up and deal with anything.
If anything the last 48 Hours are just another reminder that this is God's thing not mine. Cause now, at the end of the day all is good. We had good freshman turn out to many events, my parents are in a rental car and where they were trying to get. I still have my sanity and my faith.
My friends have more grace for me than I will ever deserve. Thanks.
To my roommate and friend: Thanks for covering the party last night that was good to have off my plate. Thanks for your support.
To the guy that offered to come with me: Thanks, I know in the end I kinda blew you off, but it meant a lot to me that you made the offer and were serious about it.
To the guy that covered for me: Thanks bro, it was nice to not have to worry about that.
To the others who saw/ heard/ or read my worry and just over thinking last night: Thank you so much for your friendship, it means a lot. And thank you for your grace for me when I am in survival mode or fully freaking out. I have not and will not ever earn that consideration, I thank God he blessed me with such awesome people to lean on and to talk to when I need to get my thoughts and worries out.
I can't live this life alone.... but God has surrounded me with people who help me every day to make it through.
Thanks.
I have a limit, I have mental disciplines that help reduce my worry and stress level but they only work to a point. Almost like my productivity and sanity are made better with one level of stress, i go in to survival mode when another level is reached, and when i exceed the last marker I just lose it.
Luckily I know what to do when I lose it, sleep and refocus on God, and in a few hours I am back to survival mode or my optimal stress level. But it takes a few hours.
So this week:
- NSO, awesome time, but for Vision Team and SGLs it is sooooo busy
- Cancellation of an NSO event due to rain, that kinda bugged me, but that was not in our control
- With classes starting I have been in survival mode (I get really task oriented) and have not been having good interaction with my friends
- Part of the previous point conversations like this (this is mostly with just a few of my close friends but has happened with others too)
Me: "Hey, can you do this for X event."
Friend: "Sure, blah blah blah."
Me: "Awesome, blah blah details blah"
Friend: "Ok, I'll take care of it."
Me: "Thanks... .... .... .... Um, how is..... ..... ..... bye."
- Trying to balance my position trying to push and care for the other leaders and still being thier friend, not being "power hungry" or "lecturing" but still Allen
As a friend said in a text conversation earlier Friday "It seems like just when I start to get ahead or on track something else pops up" (horribly paraphrased, sorry)
Oh boy.... I had no idea how true that would be in my life.
Friday night: projector issues occurred during our first 180, which as an old AV guy, I take personally a bit, then we had a huge party in my apartment complex that went awesomely, likely 1/3 to 1/2 of the people were new.... but
On my way back I got a call that my parents were stuck in WVA, thier car broke down. We are talking for good. They wanted to see if i could get them to a hotel and a rental car.
I am in the middle of hosting an event, our projector (the NEW projector) is acting up, I am in charge of an event in the morning, and there is a Football game later in the afternoon.
AHHHHHHH.
I get my roommate and a friend to act as host. And annother Vision Team member cover for me in the morning. Then plans changed and I was leaving in the morning. So instead of continuing to be in the party I tried to go to bed with Rock Band going in the other room. Which wouldn't be a problem but I was thinking to hard. And texting people, the guy who was coving for me I was sending him what I had to do, one guy offered to come and I was talking to him about staying, my family was sending me info about where they were, and one person was talking to me about SGL stuff, kinda, that conversation was the worse for me just over talking and analizing.
The drive itself was awesome, I needed the time alone. It was good to talk and sort through life with myself and God for a few hours.
I get back and I thought that we would be set up to watch the game. No, the guy doing that is at my doorstep 30 min before kick off. lots of mis-communication caused that. Then the room we got that I was under the impression got cable, didn't so I am on my way to watch the game, and we invited freshmen and we got nothing.
I went from feeling good to just not wanting to show up and deal with anything.
If anything the last 48 Hours are just another reminder that this is God's thing not mine. Cause now, at the end of the day all is good. We had good freshman turn out to many events, my parents are in a rental car and where they were trying to get. I still have my sanity and my faith.
My friends have more grace for me than I will ever deserve. Thanks.
To my roommate and friend: Thanks for covering the party last night that was good to have off my plate. Thanks for your support.
To the guy that offered to come with me: Thanks, I know in the end I kinda blew you off, but it meant a lot to me that you made the offer and were serious about it.
To the guy that covered for me: Thanks bro, it was nice to not have to worry about that.
To the others who saw/ heard/ or read my worry and just over thinking last night: Thank you so much for your friendship, it means a lot. And thank you for your grace for me when I am in survival mode or fully freaking out. I have not and will not ever earn that consideration, I thank God he blessed me with such awesome people to lean on and to talk to when I need to get my thoughts and worries out.
I can't live this life alone.... but God has surrounded me with people who help me every day to make it through.
Thanks.
NSO Crazyness
So I have had a pretty crazy few days, but that is to come. I feel the first post in a month should be glorifying to God... then I can share the complaints.
Here are some of the crazy things that have happened in this years NSO (New Student Outreach)
- One SG has about 40 people legitimately interested in a dorm that we have struggled to have any intrest from since before my time.
- One Leader was approached at one of our events by about 10 girls that basically said "Hi, we are from dorm X, we are Christians and we want a Small Group." I mean how many times do you hear of a small group in search of a Small Group Leader????
- 2 guys in our chapter were having a debate about relationships, how they progress and such from my understanding, and it went from 2 guys to like half the hall (our students and new ones) drawing diagrams (we are an engineering school) and such and them then coming out and freshmen asking if they can go to the SG of the leader that was involved in starting the discussion.
- While manning the card station at our "Ice Cream Bash" where people would turn in contact cards, I was asking people to turn in cards and hyping the drawing for an itunes gift card. several girls said to me "We don't need a Small Group we are in Susan's." WHO HAS OWNERSHIP IN A SMALL GROUP BEFORE THE FIRST MEETING!?!?!?!?! (Fairly sure it is God not the SGLs effort herself)
- On of the SGLs who I know well, we were in the same SG last year and she is continuing that SG this year, was talking to a freshman guy with several other people. Due to an odd turn of events (a balloon getting stuck in a tree, which I ended up not helping with afterall) I came over and met this guy. We walked him back to his dorm, and went were hanging out at my place that night. I go to class the next day and as I am leacing my last class of the day I look up and it is the guy from the night before. We ended up getting lunch later that week, he is a pretty awesome guy.
- One SGL added a guy on facebook this summer to welcome him to VT.... later he found they are living on the same hall.
- Several SGs helped people move in to dorms (well all did) but several meet multiple people who later came out to events showing interest in IV
- One SGL commented on how everything he did last year in his dorm to meet and care for guys felt like an uphill battle, but this year almost like people were falling into thier laps to care for.
I mean there is something to be said for good planning cause most of our events have been much smoother than ever before, but most of these things are totally God things.
And when you are completely task oriented trying to make these events happen it is nice to see that God is honoring your time, and working so much more than you ever could.
Thanks God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some of the crazy things that have happened in this years NSO (New Student Outreach)
- One SG has about 40 people legitimately interested in a dorm that we have struggled to have any intrest from since before my time.
- One Leader was approached at one of our events by about 10 girls that basically said "Hi, we are from dorm X, we are Christians and we want a Small Group." I mean how many times do you hear of a small group in search of a Small Group Leader????
- 2 guys in our chapter were having a debate about relationships, how they progress and such from my understanding, and it went from 2 guys to like half the hall (our students and new ones) drawing diagrams (we are an engineering school) and such and them then coming out and freshmen asking if they can go to the SG of the leader that was involved in starting the discussion.
- While manning the card station at our "Ice Cream Bash" where people would turn in contact cards, I was asking people to turn in cards and hyping the drawing for an itunes gift card. several girls said to me "We don't need a Small Group we are in Susan's." WHO HAS OWNERSHIP IN A SMALL GROUP BEFORE THE FIRST MEETING!?!?!?!?! (Fairly sure it is God not the SGLs effort herself)
- On of the SGLs who I know well, we were in the same SG last year and she is continuing that SG this year, was talking to a freshman guy with several other people. Due to an odd turn of events (a balloon getting stuck in a tree, which I ended up not helping with afterall) I came over and met this guy. We walked him back to his dorm, and went were hanging out at my place that night. I go to class the next day and as I am leacing my last class of the day I look up and it is the guy from the night before. We ended up getting lunch later that week, he is a pretty awesome guy.
- One SGL added a guy on facebook this summer to welcome him to VT.... later he found they are living on the same hall.
- Several SGs helped people move in to dorms (well all did) but several meet multiple people who later came out to events showing interest in IV
- One SGL commented on how everything he did last year in his dorm to meet and care for guys felt like an uphill battle, but this year almost like people were falling into thier laps to care for.
I mean there is something to be said for good planning cause most of our events have been much smoother than ever before, but most of these things are totally God things.
And when you are completely task oriented trying to make these events happen it is nice to see that God is honoring your time, and working so much more than you ever could.
Thanks God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Rant 1 - People with False Identity Trying to Fix Identity Based Situations
So I have been considering reconciliation. It is a fairly simple concept. One person hurts another. The first gives up their superiority and humbles them self to apologize for the infraction. The second humbles them self to accept the apology and gives up their right to be angry at the other. From that spot they begin to rebuild their relationship. Simple.... but really hard to do. And all reconciliation is the same as this. They are harder because they involve issues that are deep in people identities rather than a slight or mistake. But all reconciliation situations can involve identity issues. It is amazing how easy it is to hurt or damage someone else.
So why am I talking about this. The best way for reconciliation to happen, and I think in the harder cases of racial and gender reconciliation people must have a solid identity to do the work of reconciliation out of. You can not reconcile well unless you reconcile as someone worth reconciling with towards someone worth reconciling with. We must value ourselves and our neighbor as our self. To reconcile we must meet on an equal footing, which means we cannot be putting the other below us, or ourselves below them to do it.
Using the example of racial reconciliation.
The majority must realize that they do have a culture that is worthy of identifying with. That their culture honors God and brings an aspect of who God is to the world that no other group does. They also need to know that their culture has some things to answer for and apologize for. That sin has entered this would through them in a unique way as well.
What annoys me is how often that those in the majority culture (whites in the US) who care about racial reconciliation have this idea that they have only things to make up for. That all they can do is defame themselves until the other groups are placated. That to be white is to be only something that is evil, something to be repented of.
The minority must realize similar things. One that regardless of what the majority has done they have awesome things to bring to this world. Also that they have their own issues to deal with and make up for. That they have to humble themselves as well.
I see, on TV, how many of those that speak out about racial issues on the minority side do it from this point of superiority or entitlement. They speak out for their group and expect the majority to roll over and destroy themselves. Or they blame the majority for all their problems.
I don't want to sound racist or anything. And I am sure there are many out there that fit this, but...
What we really need if we want to see real reconciliation between the races is people that are convinced of their personal worth and the worth of their group. But if they stop there all you have is the KKK and Black Panthers. We need people that take the next step that see the worth of others and other groups as equal to their own. And people that take that outlook to a mindset of serving others over their own best interest.
ONLY then can we truly have reconciliation.
So whites on TV... please value your ethnicity. Please do not bend your identity to other groups and their demands on you. Yes keep working towards the betterment of minorities, but don't minimize your importance to God or their worth to God with how you try to serve. Don't think you can fix it, only God can, just love, respect and partner with others to see how to fight for change.
And to Minorities, please keep showing us where we need to grow. I know the majority has a tendency to miss things, big things. Please do not defame yourself by giving us all the power in your life, to both destroy and rebuild. By giving us the power you keep us in a place we do not belong, a place we should never have taken. Please stand tall in your ethnicity. And help us learn how to interact with you on an equal platform.
----
Now I need to say, I am really really just starting in my understanding of racial reconciliation. So please help me grow in this. If I have said something incorrect please give the the benefit of the doubt in my wording, and if it is still wrong please correct me. But I feel that my observations are accurate even with my limited knowledge here. This is a hard area to care and learn about, but it is worth it from what little I have seen so far.
God please help me to see what I have not seen. To see as close to the way you do as I possibly can.
So why am I talking about this. The best way for reconciliation to happen, and I think in the harder cases of racial and gender reconciliation people must have a solid identity to do the work of reconciliation out of. You can not reconcile well unless you reconcile as someone worth reconciling with towards someone worth reconciling with. We must value ourselves and our neighbor as our self. To reconcile we must meet on an equal footing, which means we cannot be putting the other below us, or ourselves below them to do it.
Using the example of racial reconciliation.
The majority must realize that they do have a culture that is worthy of identifying with. That their culture honors God and brings an aspect of who God is to the world that no other group does. They also need to know that their culture has some things to answer for and apologize for. That sin has entered this would through them in a unique way as well.
What annoys me is how often that those in the majority culture (whites in the US) who care about racial reconciliation have this idea that they have only things to make up for. That all they can do is defame themselves until the other groups are placated. That to be white is to be only something that is evil, something to be repented of.
The minority must realize similar things. One that regardless of what the majority has done they have awesome things to bring to this world. Also that they have their own issues to deal with and make up for. That they have to humble themselves as well.
I see, on TV, how many of those that speak out about racial issues on the minority side do it from this point of superiority or entitlement. They speak out for their group and expect the majority to roll over and destroy themselves. Or they blame the majority for all their problems.
I don't want to sound racist or anything. And I am sure there are many out there that fit this, but...
What we really need if we want to see real reconciliation between the races is people that are convinced of their personal worth and the worth of their group. But if they stop there all you have is the KKK and Black Panthers. We need people that take the next step that see the worth of others and other groups as equal to their own. And people that take that outlook to a mindset of serving others over their own best interest.
ONLY then can we truly have reconciliation.
So whites on TV... please value your ethnicity. Please do not bend your identity to other groups and their demands on you. Yes keep working towards the betterment of minorities, but don't minimize your importance to God or their worth to God with how you try to serve. Don't think you can fix it, only God can, just love, respect and partner with others to see how to fight for change.
And to Minorities, please keep showing us where we need to grow. I know the majority has a tendency to miss things, big things. Please do not defame yourself by giving us all the power in your life, to both destroy and rebuild. By giving us the power you keep us in a place we do not belong, a place we should never have taken. Please stand tall in your ethnicity. And help us learn how to interact with you on an equal platform.
----
Now I need to say, I am really really just starting in my understanding of racial reconciliation. So please help me grow in this. If I have said something incorrect please give the the benefit of the doubt in my wording, and if it is still wrong please correct me. But I feel that my observations are accurate even with my limited knowledge here. This is a hard area to care and learn about, but it is worth it from what little I have seen so far.
God please help me to see what I have not seen. To see as close to the way you do as I possibly can.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Crappy Day
Did you ever have a day that just sucked. Not for you, like the whole day is bad.
Friday was one such day.
I get into work, and the ambulance is there. Someone crushed his hand a little bit before I got there. Great start to the day.
Earlier that morning the Waste Water Treatment Plant on sight had some issues and my Boss was called at 3 am. Not as big of a deal but both kinda set the tone for the day.
Then I went on duty with the rescue squad as an observer. We picked up a guy who was having chest pain. The paramedic on the crew couldn't see what was wrong, his history fit what we found, but the monitor gave a few flags so we alerted the hospital. We dropped him off and moved on as usual. We picked up someone else later that night and took them to the same hospital. We got back in time to find that they pronounced him. The hospital Docs and machines said nothing was found, but he died.
Usually we don't know what happens, in this case I would almost prefer it. Now I just see him looking up at me helplessly on the ride to the hospital. I felt awkward each time he looked at me like that, I didn't know what to say. Now I wish I had said something, I just don't know what.
And in between the calls one of the girls on the crew slammed her hand in the door and had to get stitches.
What the crap?
Just a bad day.
Friday was one such day.
I get into work, and the ambulance is there. Someone crushed his hand a little bit before I got there. Great start to the day.
Earlier that morning the Waste Water Treatment Plant on sight had some issues and my Boss was called at 3 am. Not as big of a deal but both kinda set the tone for the day.
Then I went on duty with the rescue squad as an observer. We picked up a guy who was having chest pain. The paramedic on the crew couldn't see what was wrong, his history fit what we found, but the monitor gave a few flags so we alerted the hospital. We dropped him off and moved on as usual. We picked up someone else later that night and took them to the same hospital. We got back in time to find that they pronounced him. The hospital Docs and machines said nothing was found, but he died.
Usually we don't know what happens, in this case I would almost prefer it. Now I just see him looking up at me helplessly on the ride to the hospital. I felt awkward each time he looked at me like that, I didn't know what to say. Now I wish I had said something, I just don't know what.
And in between the calls one of the girls on the crew slammed her hand in the door and had to get stitches.
What the crap?
Just a bad day.
The Virtues of Self-Hatred
I am a white male, I have a lot to hate myself for. Think about it.
White:
- Superiority Complex
- Destruction of other groups within our ethnicity
- Conquest of other ethnic groups
- Native American near genocide
- Slave Trade (with help from a few other groups)
- Use of Slaves
- Jim Crow Laws
- Holocaust (and hesitation to act against it)
- Economic Rape of Latin America
- Success no matter the cost mindset
- Crusades
- Lynching of African Americans
- KKK
- Setting up the American System that so many hate
- Idea of Color Blindness
- obliviousness
Male:
- Most Crimes
- Most Sexual Assults
- Demeaning Women
- Staying silent when we should act
- Superiority Complex
- Obliviousness
- Gender Blindness
- Ignorance
- Conquering of other groups
- Success no mater the cost mind set
There are more for each group.
Look at that. Several are even repeats so it is even worse. Shouldn't we hate ourselves... everyone else seems to.
And think about it, if we hate ourselves that actually makes life easier. Groups I was born into have screwed the crap out of the world, I am blamed and expected to fix all this crap. It would be so much easier to just agree with the world. If I join them in hating us, hating myself then what they say means nothing.
--
"STUPID WHITY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU SCREW WITH EVERYTHING!!!"
"Yeah, and not just that but we demean women too. We just suck."
--
"Men are just after sex"
"Yeah, pretty much"
---
I mean no one can hurt you if your view of yourself is so much lower than theirs is.
You can avoid doing anything about all this too. I mean if you care and think you are actually able to do something about it you have to think and plan and care. If you think you are unfixable you can just enjoy all the escapes we have developed and just not care. That is so much easier.
Self-Hatred opens us as white men up to a world where we can enjoy it. We can enjoy our own company, our pity parties, our movies. We don't have to fix anything or care about the crap in this world, after all every time we try to do something it is just for our benefit anyway, and we can't do anything without screwing up someone elses life, lets just accept it.
And our self respect will be constant, no ones chiding or attacks will ever make us think less of ourselves than we do now. I mean isn't that what everyone wants, us to hate ourselves for enough generations until we have suffered as much as them?
I mean why care? If we try to help people, apologize for the past, spend our time and money to help people excel, we still can't stand tall, cause someone else will attack us for being just like every other white male.
I mean not that our motivation should be respect for helping people, it would come out of obligation for all the crap we have pulled.
I mean who out there is truly calling for equality of the ethnicities? A world where every person can stand tall proud of their ethnicity and gender but with respect and admiration of the others. No one is really proposing that are they? I haven't heard it. The White man is the devil, men are the devil, or adding insult to injury whites fire those right back.
Isn't it just simpler to accept what everyone says and hate yourself so noone elses opinion maters?
White:
- Superiority Complex
- Destruction of other groups within our ethnicity
- Conquest of other ethnic groups
- Native American near genocide
- Slave Trade (with help from a few other groups)
- Use of Slaves
- Jim Crow Laws
- Holocaust (and hesitation to act against it)
- Economic Rape of Latin America
- Success no matter the cost mindset
- Crusades
- Lynching of African Americans
- KKK
- Setting up the American System that so many hate
- Idea of Color Blindness
- obliviousness
Male:
- Most Crimes
- Most Sexual Assults
- Demeaning Women
- Staying silent when we should act
- Superiority Complex
- Obliviousness
- Gender Blindness
- Ignorance
- Conquering of other groups
- Success no mater the cost mind set
There are more for each group.
Look at that. Several are even repeats so it is even worse. Shouldn't we hate ourselves... everyone else seems to.
And think about it, if we hate ourselves that actually makes life easier. Groups I was born into have screwed the crap out of the world, I am blamed and expected to fix all this crap. It would be so much easier to just agree with the world. If I join them in hating us, hating myself then what they say means nothing.
--
"STUPID WHITY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU SCREW WITH EVERYTHING!!!"
"Yeah, and not just that but we demean women too. We just suck."
--
"Men are just after sex"
"Yeah, pretty much"
---
I mean no one can hurt you if your view of yourself is so much lower than theirs is.
You can avoid doing anything about all this too. I mean if you care and think you are actually able to do something about it you have to think and plan and care. If you think you are unfixable you can just enjoy all the escapes we have developed and just not care. That is so much easier.
Self-Hatred opens us as white men up to a world where we can enjoy it. We can enjoy our own company, our pity parties, our movies. We don't have to fix anything or care about the crap in this world, after all every time we try to do something it is just for our benefit anyway, and we can't do anything without screwing up someone elses life, lets just accept it.
And our self respect will be constant, no ones chiding or attacks will ever make us think less of ourselves than we do now. I mean isn't that what everyone wants, us to hate ourselves for enough generations until we have suffered as much as them?
I mean why care? If we try to help people, apologize for the past, spend our time and money to help people excel, we still can't stand tall, cause someone else will attack us for being just like every other white male.
I mean not that our motivation should be respect for helping people, it would come out of obligation for all the crap we have pulled.
I mean who out there is truly calling for equality of the ethnicities? A world where every person can stand tall proud of their ethnicity and gender but with respect and admiration of the others. No one is really proposing that are they? I haven't heard it. The White man is the devil, men are the devil, or adding insult to injury whites fire those right back.
Isn't it just simpler to accept what everyone says and hate yourself so noone elses opinion maters?
What do you care about?
So I have a rant or 2 I want to write about, but I want to set the stage with a few other posts.
How can you tell what people care about?
Time and Money.
If you care about something you will spend your time and money on it. Time is the only recourse we cannot get more of, and we trade time for money.
Look at your budget, where your money goes is one of the best indicators of what you really care about. Where does your time go? That is a great indicator.
I don't wanna hear any of this crap about "I advocate" or "I write blogs that shows I care" or whatever.
If we care about any issue we show it through how we spend our time and money.
That means that I personally have a lot of growing to do, because right now I don't pass that test for caring about the poor or racial reconciliation. But I am growing in those areas.
That is why so often you hear advocates attacked by phrases like "Well if you believe this why aren't you doing X."
If we truly care about something we should be willing to sacrifice for it. I just needed to say that before I discuss my rant soon.
How can you tell what people care about?
Time and Money.
If you care about something you will spend your time and money on it. Time is the only recourse we cannot get more of, and we trade time for money.
Look at your budget, where your money goes is one of the best indicators of what you really care about. Where does your time go? That is a great indicator.
I don't wanna hear any of this crap about "I advocate" or "I write blogs that shows I care" or whatever.
If we care about any issue we show it through how we spend our time and money.
That means that I personally have a lot of growing to do, because right now I don't pass that test for caring about the poor or racial reconciliation. But I am growing in those areas.
That is why so often you hear advocates attacked by phrases like "Well if you believe this why aren't you doing X."
If we truly care about something we should be willing to sacrifice for it. I just needed to say that before I discuss my rant soon.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Escapism???
Escapism: "the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in an imaginative situation, activity, etc. "
Sometimes I wonder if I am a bit escapist. I watch anime fairly regularly not in the last month or so though). I own quite a few movies. I own a Wii. My comfort zone is my own mind (I have talked to a few of you about that concept, I don't know if I have mentioned it here).
And I can't wait to turn off my PC and cell phone for 2 weeks. To be in another country, completely inaccessible.
But even with that I have had some awesome conversations in the last few days with people I care for dearly. And I do not want to be apart from them.
I don't want to leave those I love, that is part of why graduating scares me, and why a few of us are looking to move to the same city and serve together...
And at the same time a friends desire to leave and move on is finally starting to make a little sense, although I still morn the fact that people must leave.
And yet there are others, some I love and others honestly I don't have much closeness with that I am happy to see leave, either because I can see what lies before them and I want that for them, or my life gets easier with them gone.
Sometimes life is hard and I want to run to a game, a movie, anime, away. Other times life gets hard and I want to step up and overcome the situation.
I have said and desired for many years someone to love, care for, grow with, and be challenged by. And yet I also want to be alone.
What do you do with feelings like that? Do you ignore them? That feels like you are denying yourself. Do you embrace them? Many are diametrically opposed.
Do you say screw it and run away to another town, state, country? Do you stay?
Do you retreat into your mind, where one minuet you can have a close friend or friends to share experiences with and the next no one, whatever you want at the moment? But can you cast your mind aside and still think, reason, and plan?
Do you throw you mind completely away and live out life as you want in the moment, without regard to the pain you could cause others?
Caution vs. Excitement
Risk vs. Reward
Life vs. Death
Honor vs. Humiliation
Hope vs. Failure (rejection)
Wanting vs. Having
Safety vs Danger
Existing vs. Living
Love God, Love Self, Love Others, Love Creation
Love neighbor AS self
How do you reconcile all this into a life style that worth living?
I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "Well that was a safe life, I took no risks, and had a predictable life, where I wasn't super happy, but I was never sad, and I never hurt anyone."
But I don't wanna say "WOOO I had a blast, and I don't care how many people were hurt, it was worth it for the ride!!!"
But sometimes the little step from safety to living life feels like the leap from safety and courtosy to selfishness and thrill seaking.
Rather than try to wade through all this... isn't it easier just to run to another country for a few weeks? Get lost in the newest game or movies?
Heck in your mind you can live life however you want... and "noone" gets hurt.
Is standing up for the weak worth the danger?
Is asking that girl (guy for you ladies) out, or telling her(him) how much you admire them worth the risk of hurting them, or being rejected?
Or is it worth the time and effort to figure out how to love your sisters/brothers when you have no interest in them (that one might be harder)?
Is being there for your friend as they struggle worth the time and emotional energy from you?
Is it worth it to take a job (career path) you might love for less pay than the one that will pay you the most?
Is it worth it to stand up for what is best for you community even if you are the only one that thinks so?
I'd like to think yes to all those, but how many times do my actions, or your actions, indicate otherwise?
Sometimes I wonder if I am a bit escapist. I watch anime fairly regularly not in the last month or so though). I own quite a few movies. I own a Wii. My comfort zone is my own mind (I have talked to a few of you about that concept, I don't know if I have mentioned it here).
And I can't wait to turn off my PC and cell phone for 2 weeks. To be in another country, completely inaccessible.
But even with that I have had some awesome conversations in the last few days with people I care for dearly. And I do not want to be apart from them.
I don't want to leave those I love, that is part of why graduating scares me, and why a few of us are looking to move to the same city and serve together...
And at the same time a friends desire to leave and move on is finally starting to make a little sense, although I still morn the fact that people must leave.
And yet there are others, some I love and others honestly I don't have much closeness with that I am happy to see leave, either because I can see what lies before them and I want that for them, or my life gets easier with them gone.
Sometimes life is hard and I want to run to a game, a movie, anime, away. Other times life gets hard and I want to step up and overcome the situation.
I have said and desired for many years someone to love, care for, grow with, and be challenged by. And yet I also want to be alone.
What do you do with feelings like that? Do you ignore them? That feels like you are denying yourself. Do you embrace them? Many are diametrically opposed.
Do you say screw it and run away to another town, state, country? Do you stay?
Do you retreat into your mind, where one minuet you can have a close friend or friends to share experiences with and the next no one, whatever you want at the moment? But can you cast your mind aside and still think, reason, and plan?
Do you throw you mind completely away and live out life as you want in the moment, without regard to the pain you could cause others?
Caution vs. Excitement
Risk vs. Reward
Life vs. Death
Honor vs. Humiliation
Hope vs. Failure (rejection)
Wanting vs. Having
Safety vs Danger
Existing vs. Living
Love God, Love Self, Love Others, Love Creation
Love neighbor AS self
How do you reconcile all this into a life style that worth living?
I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "Well that was a safe life, I took no risks, and had a predictable life, where I wasn't super happy, but I was never sad, and I never hurt anyone."
But I don't wanna say "WOOO I had a blast, and I don't care how many people were hurt, it was worth it for the ride!!!"
But sometimes the little step from safety to living life feels like the leap from safety and courtosy to selfishness and thrill seaking.
Rather than try to wade through all this... isn't it easier just to run to another country for a few weeks? Get lost in the newest game or movies?
Heck in your mind you can live life however you want... and "noone" gets hurt.
Is standing up for the weak worth the danger?
Is asking that girl (guy for you ladies) out, or telling her(him) how much you admire them worth the risk of hurting them, or being rejected?
Or is it worth the time and effort to figure out how to love your sisters/brothers when you have no interest in them (that one might be harder)?
Is being there for your friend as they struggle worth the time and emotional energy from you?
Is it worth it to take a job (career path) you might love for less pay than the one that will pay you the most?
Is it worth it to stand up for what is best for you community even if you are the only one that thinks so?
I'd like to think yes to all those, but how many times do my actions, or your actions, indicate otherwise?
Surrounded by Death... and Life
So the last year it has been hard in many way. On is that I have felt like death is waiting at every turn. I mean wouldn't you:
- April 07 - 4/16
- Summer 07 - Beating or whatever in Greensboro (see first blog post)
- Fall 07 - Guy jumps out of Pritchard to his death
- November 07 - Uncle Dies
- Feb 08 - NIU Shooting
- Spring 08 - Car hits 5 people I know that are good friends of a few of my friends, one dies
It got to the point where I could not go to the prayer meetings for these events. I wanted to pray with my community about these events and support those struggling with them. But after the prayer night for the guy in Pritchard I avoided the other ones. I did go to a morning one for NIU but anything at night I skipped. Being a room with my friends greiving and praying for another death, I just couldn't do it.
But recently I have been blessed seeing life all around me and within the last year:
- 2 Babies born to people involved with IV @ VT
- 1 Baby born to a friend from back home
- Wes and Lindsey's Wedding
- Graduations
- Several friends got engadged
- Chris and Kathryn's Wedding
- My grandparent's 50th wedding aniversary
So yeah, I think death has been more prevelent or visible in the last year, but God is protecting his people in many ways and even in our world filled with death and pain, there are signs of his grace, love and plan.
Sometimes you just have to stop looking at the crap and look for the good things.
- April 07 - 4/16
- Summer 07 - Beating or whatever in Greensboro (see first blog post)
- Fall 07 - Guy jumps out of Pritchard to his death
- November 07 - Uncle Dies
- Feb 08 - NIU Shooting
- Spring 08 - Car hits 5 people I know that are good friends of a few of my friends, one dies
It got to the point where I could not go to the prayer meetings for these events. I wanted to pray with my community about these events and support those struggling with them. But after the prayer night for the guy in Pritchard I avoided the other ones. I did go to a morning one for NIU but anything at night I skipped. Being a room with my friends greiving and praying for another death, I just couldn't do it.
But recently I have been blessed seeing life all around me and within the last year:
- 2 Babies born to people involved with IV @ VT
- 1 Baby born to a friend from back home
- Wes and Lindsey's Wedding
- Graduations
- Several friends got engadged
- Chris and Kathryn's Wedding
- My grandparent's 50th wedding aniversary
So yeah, I think death has been more prevelent or visible in the last year, but God is protecting his people in many ways and even in our world filled with death and pain, there are signs of his grace, love and plan.
Sometimes you just have to stop looking at the crap and look for the good things.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
What is in a Name????
So I have been thinking...
How presumptuous is it to say "God you are _____."???
Put whatever you want there.
We hear things that are wrong like bad, uncaring, and such all the time. But even if we say things that are true like love, just, our father, 'with us' or anything else that is true. These statements can only reduce or degrade God from who he is into that name. Even giving him the gendered pronoun "He" belittles him. He is not a he, he has no y chromosome, he has no need of that kind of description, in fact for many it harms their ability to understand and meet him. It is an insult to who he is to name him.
So at this point you should be mad or confused... or both. And I am okay with that, in fact I am hoping for that. Please bear with me til I finish this.
Take any name:
Jesus
"I Am"
Prince of Peace
King of Kings
Emmanuel
Jehovah
El Shaddai
Father
The Trinity
Christ
Redeemer
Creator
There are so many more. I submit that all of these abase our Lord. You call me Allen, a man, whatever name that is true of me (I don't want to discuss false names right now) you have given me a good name. You have captured me, described me. Webster's defines "name" as "a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing." So when we name God we are trying to designate him, define him. Any name we as limited beings can give him is grossly inferior to describe who he is.
Let me show this a little better. A line in math goes from infinity to infinity. It is still a hugely inadequate metaphor, but it will work. So when we give God a name we are throwing a box over part of that line.
As you can see we have many names some over lap, some cover more ground that others, but none can fully describe the line. A box is inadequate to describe a line because it has to be finite, to be a box is to be finite, so we define lines with equations in math, even then when you use an equation it is always using that equation in a finite area. We can conceive infinity only in theory we cannot wrap our minds completely around it. It is something we run into with enough frequency we just decide it exists and try to work around it and use it. When we name God we are trying to use a square to define a line.
So why do we name God when we cannot even come close?
He does. He names himself for us and rejoices in us using and saying his names.
How presumptuous is it to say "God you are _____."???
Put whatever you want there.
We hear things that are wrong like bad, uncaring, and such all the time. But even if we say things that are true like love, just, our father, 'with us' or anything else that is true. These statements can only reduce or degrade God from who he is into that name. Even giving him the gendered pronoun "He" belittles him. He is not a he, he has no y chromosome, he has no need of that kind of description, in fact for many it harms their ability to understand and meet him. It is an insult to who he is to name him.
So at this point you should be mad or confused... or both. And I am okay with that, in fact I am hoping for that. Please bear with me til I finish this.
Take any name:
Jesus
"I Am"
Prince of Peace
King of Kings
Emmanuel
Jehovah
El Shaddai
Father
The Trinity
Christ
Redeemer
Creator
There are so many more. I submit that all of these abase our Lord. You call me Allen, a man, whatever name that is true of me (I don't want to discuss false names right now) you have given me a good name. You have captured me, described me. Webster's defines "name" as "a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing." So when we name God we are trying to designate him, define him. Any name we as limited beings can give him is grossly inferior to describe who he is.
Let me show this a little better. A line in math goes from infinity to infinity. It is still a hugely inadequate metaphor, but it will work. So when we give God a name we are throwing a box over part of that line.
As you can see we have many names some over lap, some cover more ground that others, but none can fully describe the line. A box is inadequate to describe a line because it has to be finite, to be a box is to be finite, so we define lines with equations in math, even then when you use an equation it is always using that equation in a finite area. We can conceive infinity only in theory we cannot wrap our minds completely around it. It is something we run into with enough frequency we just decide it exists and try to work around it and use it. When we name God we are trying to use a square to define a line.
So why do we name God when we cannot even come close?
He does. He names himself for us and rejoices in us using and saying his names.
"Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "Exodus 3:13-14
God humiliates himself by giving himself names so we can interact with him. Think about it. He desires a relationship with us, we by nature name and interact with people and things with names. If God was rightfully against defaming himself like any of us are (how much do you hate when someone makes light of your accomplishments, position, abilities, character?). He wants that relationship so much that he is willing to reduce himself so we can interact with him. The names we have and use are not wrong (again assuming the ones based in Truth) just not ALL of God. God has chosen to rejoice in our interacting with him in this way.
We get to interact with God on a personal level. He has reduced himself so we can have a personal relationship with him. If you think about it God did it again when he came here in the person of Jesus to teach and to reconcile us to himself. God constantly makes himself lesser than he is, lesser than he deserves for His love of us.
So rejoice in how humble and loving our Father is that he loves us and wants to interact with us so much more than he desires his own rights or how much he deserves respect and possition.
But I do want to make one caution in this. Any name we have for God is by definition finite. We must be sure that we love Him, not any name we have for Him.
How many times have you heard "If God is (Love, Just, Good, etc.) he would dd (or not do) X." or "God would be under a bridge not in the suburb." or any other sweeping statement like that. Those all come from taking one aspect of an infinite God that is true and either misunderstanding or applying it to the exclusion of the other parts of who he is. We need to be sure that this gift of personal interaction with God remains what is was intended for. To interact with God personally, not to alienate his childeren from one another or to missunderstand God and his goals and purposes. To use his names to interact and love him as best we can, not to make our own god out of parts of The One True God.
So this was especially long, but it has been on my mind a while. And yes I found a thesaurus.
-------
God... Thank you for your many names, and for loving us so much more than we can comprehend to reduce yourself in so many ways just to be in relationship with us and to restore us to right relationship with you.
Monday, June 23, 2008
A few more thoughts
So I have been compiling a list of posts I want to write, but they always seem rougher when I write them than in my mind, I'll try to work on that a bit, anyway...
The first guy to disciple me intentionally that I knew about besides my parents and I were talking once and he gave me his health test. I don't remember exactly what he called it, but even now I still use it in the back of my mind. I am not sure if he came up with it or heard it somewhere, but here it is:
Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?
Ok, now Spiritually, Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?
Simple, but very telling. If you ask yourself what does it mean to sleep spiritually, think of it more like "rest" rather than sleep. If you are still not sure, I'd look into that, same goes for the rest. So for me...
Am I:
- Eating? Yes, trying to eat better portions and variety, making some progress.
- Sleeping? Yes, 6-8 hours a night, but I am still usually tired.
- Exercising? Nope, I was doing a lot of outdoor work at work for a while that was exercise, lifting and moving drums and such, but the last week or so I have spent most of my time asleep, or at a PC (8 hours a day at work!!)
Ok, now Spiritually, am I:
- Eating? A little, not as much as I need. want to. As evidence, I am writing this before bed rather than having the quiet time that is on my to-do list for the day.
- Sleeping? Yeah, taking time to rest, God has blessed me in seeing him in just about everything (more on that later)
- Exercising? A Little, but I have been so busy doing other stuff I have not been as much as I want/ need to.
So there I am. I hope this blesses you as it has me.
The first guy to disciple me intentionally that I knew about besides my parents and I were talking once and he gave me his health test. I don't remember exactly what he called it, but even now I still use it in the back of my mind. I am not sure if he came up with it or heard it somewhere, but here it is:
Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?
Ok, now Spiritually, Are you:
- Eating?
- Sleeping?
- Exercising?
Simple, but very telling. If you ask yourself what does it mean to sleep spiritually, think of it more like "rest" rather than sleep. If you are still not sure, I'd look into that, same goes for the rest. So for me...
Am I:
- Eating? Yes, trying to eat better portions and variety, making some progress.
- Sleeping? Yes, 6-8 hours a night, but I am still usually tired.
- Exercising? Nope, I was doing a lot of outdoor work at work for a while that was exercise, lifting and moving drums and such, but the last week or so I have spent most of my time asleep, or at a PC (8 hours a day at work!!)
Ok, now Spiritually, am I:
- Eating? A little, not as much as I need. want to. As evidence, I am writing this before bed rather than having the quiet time that is on my to-do list for the day.
- Sleeping? Yeah, taking time to rest, God has blessed me in seeing him in just about everything (more on that later)
- Exercising? A Little, but I have been so busy doing other stuff I have not been as much as I want/ need to.
So there I am. I hope this blesses you as it has me.
Year in Review
To start of way more people read this than I thought. Two people are subscribed to it on Google Reader, at least 4 people have links to my blog in theirs, and recently at least 2 friends that I did not know blog or read blogs commented on my posts, and a person from the intertubes that doesn't seem to just be trying to get me to buy something or join their new blog hosting site. So thank you everyone for reading and please comment if you have thoughts I like the chance to be pushed to grow and refine and be encouraged. Also please feel free to email or call me if you have that contact already if you have concerns about a post, especially with this being about my life some people come up, I try to remove identifiers but it doesn't always work.
So I a tradition that at the end or each academic year I debrief my year (for this post defined as the time from the start of GUPY to Rockbridge), try to pick out from my old journal entries the major events, struggles, and blessings of the year and try to analyze them a bit removed. Usually I have 5+ items and work my way through the list. I had a list this year too, but as I looked at it I saw a similarity that was overwhelming. The were not several big lessons (millions of small ones) but there was one big lesson in all of them. I need to look at life from the Big Picture, God's Point of View (as much as a mortal mind can handle of course). The events I saw were:
- Emotional Breakdown in Greensboro
- Emotional breakdown in Mexico
- Struggling not being in GUPY
- Struggling to find a desire to do something... anything (about 6 months after the 16th)
- Struggling with my singleness
- Struggling with the fact that I give relationship and other advice all the time and it seems to work out well for others but not for me
- Struggling with enjoying and wanting to serve on Vision Team (I am glad I am still on but I had a period where I lost all joy in it)
- Feeling like Death was all around me
- About having a break down from stress with Leadership Applications
- Feeling alone
- Stress from Classes
- Stress from a long To-Do list for the summer
So this is only the bad things, but all are me worrying about the short term. I am single now, but got has something better for me (freedom in singleness or an awesome relationship). I had a week where I felt like the VT chapter was going to collapse while I was on Vision Team and I should have gotten out when I had the chance. Classes, important but not worth all that. And death was all around me (16th, Pritchard jumper, Uncle dieing, NIU, friends hit by a car and one dieing), but so was God. Some is pure jealousy and feeling like God owes me for what I give up for him and the chapter, how selfish is that? How arrogant?
I feel like each of these and more instances all stem from wants and needs in cases that are valid, but the worry and pain came from looking shortsightedly. Not seeing that God is in control, he is working out his plan and will in the world. I want/ need X, I don't have it, WHAT THE CRAP GOD????
I feel like the whole time God is loving and caring for me, but also saying "My child, I have it under control and things are going to blow your socks off if you just wait and trust me."
Like a kid who wants to run and play across the street at the play ground a place that is good, but the parents say no cause a car is coming or they are not quite old enough to play on that piece of equipment. When we grow up we think we know it all, we can finally make those calls for ourselves, but how much more are we still like the kids that just want what looks cool, what is good, and sometimes just what we rationalize to be good, but God knows better.
Isn't that part of where our freedom in Christ comes from? We know that God will give us what we need. Not always what we want, but if we truly needed a sandwich to continue to believe he would give it. If we needed a rain, a nap, whatever he give is willingly and joyfully to us when we need it. But he also withholds to grow our faith, grow us as men and women of God, and/ or because he has something better that we need to wait to receive. And in the mean time we are free to serve and seek him!
I grew a lot from this year, and being me I don't regret anything, but rejoice in the growth I see from it (at least that is what I say over and over until I feel it).
Thank you God that your point of view is greater than ours, that in small ways you let us get glimpses of your point of view. And that we can trust in you having that view and love of us to care for us better than we can.
So I a tradition that at the end or each academic year I debrief my year (for this post defined as the time from the start of GUPY to Rockbridge), try to pick out from my old journal entries the major events, struggles, and blessings of the year and try to analyze them a bit removed. Usually I have 5+ items and work my way through the list. I had a list this year too, but as I looked at it I saw a similarity that was overwhelming. The were not several big lessons (millions of small ones) but there was one big lesson in all of them. I need to look at life from the Big Picture, God's Point of View (as much as a mortal mind can handle of course). The events I saw were:
- Emotional Breakdown in Greensboro
- Emotional breakdown in Mexico
- Struggling not being in GUPY
- Struggling to find a desire to do something... anything (about 6 months after the 16th)
- Struggling with my singleness
- Struggling with the fact that I give relationship and other advice all the time and it seems to work out well for others but not for me
- Struggling with enjoying and wanting to serve on Vision Team (I am glad I am still on but I had a period where I lost all joy in it)
- Feeling like Death was all around me
- About having a break down from stress with Leadership Applications
- Feeling alone
- Stress from Classes
- Stress from a long To-Do list for the summer
So this is only the bad things, but all are me worrying about the short term. I am single now, but got has something better for me (freedom in singleness or an awesome relationship). I had a week where I felt like the VT chapter was going to collapse while I was on Vision Team and I should have gotten out when I had the chance. Classes, important but not worth all that. And death was all around me (16th, Pritchard jumper, Uncle dieing, NIU, friends hit by a car and one dieing), but so was God. Some is pure jealousy and feeling like God owes me for what I give up for him and the chapter, how selfish is that? How arrogant?
I feel like each of these and more instances all stem from wants and needs in cases that are valid, but the worry and pain came from looking shortsightedly. Not seeing that God is in control, he is working out his plan and will in the world. I want/ need X, I don't have it, WHAT THE CRAP GOD????
I feel like the whole time God is loving and caring for me, but also saying "My child, I have it under control and things are going to blow your socks off if you just wait and trust me."
Like a kid who wants to run and play across the street at the play ground a place that is good, but the parents say no cause a car is coming or they are not quite old enough to play on that piece of equipment. When we grow up we think we know it all, we can finally make those calls for ourselves, but how much more are we still like the kids that just want what looks cool, what is good, and sometimes just what we rationalize to be good, but God knows better.
Isn't that part of where our freedom in Christ comes from? We know that God will give us what we need. Not always what we want, but if we truly needed a sandwich to continue to believe he would give it. If we needed a rain, a nap, whatever he give is willingly and joyfully to us when we need it. But he also withholds to grow our faith, grow us as men and women of God, and/ or because he has something better that we need to wait to receive. And in the mean time we are free to serve and seek him!
I grew a lot from this year, and being me I don't regret anything, but rejoice in the growth I see from it (at least that is what I say over and over until I feel it).
Thank you God that your point of view is greater than ours, that in small ways you let us get glimpses of your point of view. And that we can trust in you having that view and love of us to care for us better than we can.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I agree...
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
~Rich Mullins "If I Stand"
So every few months I end up going back to my 90s Christian Contemporary that I listened to in Middle and High School. Every time I find songs that encourage or touch me where I am. It is weird to think stuff that I heard a while back can still affect me.
Thanks God!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Kathryn's Wedding
Last weekend was crazy. I spent over 14 hours in a car that weekend. But it was a great choice. I got to talk with Jeremy for a while on the way to and from VA. While in our pit stop in Greensboro; Jeremy, Dan and myself had a great conversation as discussed by Jeremy in his post on this topic.
The next day I got to have a lot of great conversations and just hang out time with Jeremy, Dan, Catherine, and Jenny; and got to see Drew, Erin, and Kathryn a little though due to other obligations not as much time with those three, Oh and of course Marshall and Diane it was awesome to get to see them too!! I feel like the time we got to spend with the GUPY 07 crew was a needed breath of fresh air for all of us. And I know that for Jeremy, Jenny, and myself it was especially encouraging.
But the ceremony simply blew me away. If you are reading this and I attended your wedding in the past this is nothing against you, this is a testament to where I am and to the substantially different feel this ceremony had. BUT... WOW!!! Usually I enjoy myself but leave feeling sadness that I don't have that deep relationship, or even a relationship that I can invest in that is deepening (I have many close friends, and several are awesome women of God, but at least at this point they are all about as deep as they will ever be, which is still a blessing but not the same... ya know?). I leave looking out the window asking God why it can't be me. Many ceremonies I felt out of place wanting to take a few photos... I was not even close to the only one at this wedding. Sometimes I have felt like I am not close enough to the couple to be there, like I am sneaking in with their "group" of friends but not being one myself. This one is majorly my perception in the past, and I should if I felt that before feel it now... after all I only spent 2 months with the bride one summer... but I felt like I belonged there that day celebrating with the family and friends. And that was what it was! The groomsmen came down the isle to a sweet sounding tune, the brides maids were dancing down the isle, and the bride had a smile on her face as big as I have ever seen (And if you don't know her... this girl can SMILE). There was a gospel choir that sang a few times... once right in the middle of the exchanging of the vows (not exactly but not sure how to explain it) and the bride was clapping her hands and praising God with the rest of the people there.
It was truly a celebration of God and of this couple. Elements of tradition but it screamed of their personality (I don't know him so on that part I am inferring). I feel like the couple got to spend time with everyone... she spent time with the IV Wilmington crew, dragged Jenny on the dance floor, fussed at me for taking more pics than dancing, enjoyed dancing and being with her new husband. It wasn't rigid, it didn't feel like the family (or friends but the family is more famous for it) were pushing their wants on the couple... it felt like what it should be... a celebration of God and his goodness and of their relationship and new commitment and new life together.
On the way back we were talking and mentioned things we were giving up for God and how some people see those things we (that group talking) were giving up freely in love and trust of God as God holding out on them, one of the things mentioned was a "relationship worth investing in." But as it was said, as I agreed (nothing against the women in my life but God just hasn't given me a relationship like that yet), as we discussed that and other topics on our ride back, for me and I think for the other 3 in the car there was an element of joy, excitement, and peace about that... something I have never felt after a wedding before.
The longing is still there, I feel like that is healthy, good, and expected in a single 20-something. But I feel I experienced a taste of God's providence in that wedding. I feel like I was seeing and celebrating God giving that couple the very thing I have desired so long... I mean all my life since girls stopped being gross :). Like God was reminding me "Yes I am good... remember. And yes I do have a plan, a plan that you will experience this one day and not just observe or experience as a friend of those who are, just trust me until then."
Thank you God for reminding me in a way I could see and feel that you are good... and that you have a plan for me more awesome than I can imagine. That you know the desires of my heart and are not ignoring them.
And thank you Kathryn and Chris, for letting your love and your personalities shine through in your wedding, and for having praise and thanks to God being an integral part.
And thank you GUPY 07 (this includes Marshall) for loving me and helping me to better understand each day the love God has for me. For encouraging me, and letting me ramble... often :)
*and yes I got a little link happy*
The next day I got to have a lot of great conversations and just hang out time with Jeremy, Dan, Catherine, and Jenny; and got to see Drew, Erin, and Kathryn a little though due to other obligations not as much time with those three, Oh and of course Marshall and Diane it was awesome to get to see them too!! I feel like the time we got to spend with the GUPY 07 crew was a needed breath of fresh air for all of us. And I know that for Jeremy, Jenny, and myself it was especially encouraging.
But the ceremony simply blew me away. If you are reading this and I attended your wedding in the past this is nothing against you, this is a testament to where I am and to the substantially different feel this ceremony had. BUT... WOW!!! Usually I enjoy myself but leave feeling sadness that I don't have that deep relationship, or even a relationship that I can invest in that is deepening (I have many close friends, and several are awesome women of God, but at least at this point they are all about as deep as they will ever be, which is still a blessing but not the same... ya know?). I leave looking out the window asking God why it can't be me. Many ceremonies I felt out of place wanting to take a few photos... I was not even close to the only one at this wedding. Sometimes I have felt like I am not close enough to the couple to be there, like I am sneaking in with their "group" of friends but not being one myself. This one is majorly my perception in the past, and I should if I felt that before feel it now... after all I only spent 2 months with the bride one summer... but I felt like I belonged there that day celebrating with the family and friends. And that was what it was! The groomsmen came down the isle to a sweet sounding tune, the brides maids were dancing down the isle, and the bride had a smile on her face as big as I have ever seen (And if you don't know her... this girl can SMILE). There was a gospel choir that sang a few times... once right in the middle of the exchanging of the vows (not exactly but not sure how to explain it) and the bride was clapping her hands and praising God with the rest of the people there.
It was truly a celebration of God and of this couple. Elements of tradition but it screamed of their personality (I don't know him so on that part I am inferring). I feel like the couple got to spend time with everyone... she spent time with the IV Wilmington crew, dragged Jenny on the dance floor, fussed at me for taking more pics than dancing, enjoyed dancing and being with her new husband. It wasn't rigid, it didn't feel like the family (or friends but the family is more famous for it) were pushing their wants on the couple... it felt like what it should be... a celebration of God and his goodness and of their relationship and new commitment and new life together.
On the way back we were talking and mentioned things we were giving up for God and how some people see those things we (that group talking) were giving up freely in love and trust of God as God holding out on them, one of the things mentioned was a "relationship worth investing in." But as it was said, as I agreed (nothing against the women in my life but God just hasn't given me a relationship like that yet), as we discussed that and other topics on our ride back, for me and I think for the other 3 in the car there was an element of joy, excitement, and peace about that... something I have never felt after a wedding before.
The longing is still there, I feel like that is healthy, good, and expected in a single 20-something. But I feel I experienced a taste of God's providence in that wedding. I feel like I was seeing and celebrating God giving that couple the very thing I have desired so long... I mean all my life since girls stopped being gross :). Like God was reminding me "Yes I am good... remember. And yes I do have a plan, a plan that you will experience this one day and not just observe or experience as a friend of those who are, just trust me until then."
Thank you God for reminding me in a way I could see and feel that you are good... and that you have a plan for me more awesome than I can imagine. That you know the desires of my heart and are not ignoring them.
And thank you Kathryn and Chris, for letting your love and your personalities shine through in your wedding, and for having praise and thanks to God being an integral part.
And thank you GUPY 07 (this includes Marshall) for loving me and helping me to better understand each day the love God has for me. For encouraging me, and letting me ramble... often :)
*and yes I got a little link happy*
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Too Busy
So I have a 8-5 job now, and on top of that I am trying to get EMT CEUs, clean my room, and a whole page of other tasks. I have been pushing myself really hard to get this all done soon, I am tired and just kinda overwhelmed at times... but today for the first time in a week or so I sat down (well laid down) and had a quiet time.
I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.
Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.
Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.
God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.
I read Nahum... kinda weird, not really sure what all is going on there (I'll have to look at a commentary later), but in reading that and praying I just had an awesome peace come over me. It was a reminder that God is in control and loves me regardless of weather or not my list gets done or I keep my EMT (I have not been struggling with this like I have in the past, but I have been so busy trying to make this happen, it is like a challenge now, that I have forgotten to trust him with it, even though it is no longer where I place my identity). Then I just laid there enjoying that feeling, peace amongst so much busyness.
Now it is back to work... but remembering that I am trusting God to work stuff out, I am just going in the direction that I want to go in some ways and feel I should go to honor him and serve others. I am not going to get lazy and not push myself to get my list done, but as I am working I am remembering that I am doing it for the honor and glory of God, and if it doesn't work out like I planned that is ok.
Whelp back to lots of work, and about 6 blog ideas. But I have regained my joy some.
God please keep my goals and tasks in line with your will and help me to remember that my ultimate goal in anything I do is bringing glory to your name.
Monday, May 19, 2008
My Name is "Desirable"??
So Marshall Benbow spoke at VT a few weeks ago. His talk was awesome as always and then, since it was our joint large group with CCF (a Korean American Campus Ministry that meets right next to us that we have developed a relationship with), their speaker got up and scrapped his talk to elaborate on what Marshall said, read Marshall's post for some more details. But at the end of Marshall's talk he challenged us to ask God what our name is. The name that He gives us not the names we give ourselves. The name that came to my mind as I prayed was "Desirable" and I didn't tell anyone. I am sad to say my initial though was "Hmmm... that sounds like a girls name." But as the name sunk in that night and over the next few weeks I feel that it is my name. I thought of the names I have given myself:
Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.
Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.
Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.
Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).
After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.
Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...
BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.
Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.
Awkward
Fat
Useless
Liability
Dirty
Difficult
Clingy
Unlovable (this one likely most of all)
and many more not coming to mind now.
Well looking at that the central problem is acceptance. I mean they are basically a list of the faults I find with myself that should make men not want to take time to know me and women to similarly not want to waste their time and definently not love or want to date/marry.
Desirable... that has an interesting ring to it.
Marshall said that names from God usually express his thoughts for us and speak directly against names from the flesh and from the enemy. I think that is true here (as a bit of a side note "Allen" means handsome... also speaking directly against my fleshly perceptions).
After realizing this a few people seemed to go out of their way to let me know or treat my like they truly value me. Many were actions that made me feel uncomfortable for how the person was rising me up, but it was interesting timing. And a few close friends were seeking me out to spend time together, but it only made saying good bye to a few of them harder. It was just cool that while I was realizing my name from God a few friends actions reinforced it. However that name is deeper (or is becoming deeper) than just how my friends treat me that day or week.
Some people in this world have called me or treated me as disposable, and any number of the names of above... I myself have used many of them to describe myself...
BUT the God of creation, of redemption, the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob has called me Desirable.
Father forgive me for the times I don't hear your voice above my own and the enemy's. And thank you for this name and your love.
Saying Good Bye
So the last few weeks have been really hard. I mean the end of each year is hard, leaving friends for a few months and having to readjust to being under your parents roof again. But this time is harder. This time I have been at VT for 4 years. This time I should be leaving too.
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
I am so glad I chose to stay a 5th year, besides my choice to go to VT it is the choice I have had the most peace about in recent memory. But let me kinda explain a bit. I love C.S. Lewis, in his book "The Four Loves" he talks about friendship. He tells the story of 3 friends (friend A, B, and C). After being friends for years friend B dies. Friend A and C are hurting because they lost their dear friend. But not only that, friend A lost the part of friend C that friend B brought out, and vice versa. I am sure you have noticed this, your friends do have an effect on you and you do change slightly depending on who you are around. We strive to be real and honest to ourselves by being the same to all our friends... that is somewhat different. My interest in certain topics and activities is stringer when with certain people and there is the saying that people "bring out the best (or worst) in you." So honestly this idea is part of why this year is so hard, it feels like parts of who I am are leaving.
As a freshman I prepared myself as I met Seniors and Juniors that they would be leaving soon. i never got too attached to them or to how I reacted to them. Even so many of them had a profound impact on my life. But I was ready to let them go. A few sophomores that took the 5 year track and the people in my class I never through about them leaving. I figured that we would all leave at the same time, or that I would never loose them, or a combination of the two. I wasn't holding back, I let a few of those people deep into my life. It brought a lot of joy and growth into my life. but also a lot of pain, some hurt me deeply because of the trust I gave them, rarely if ever intentional, but even the pain brought about growth and a deepening of the relationships. And the risk of pain and even the pain itself was worth it for the amazing relationships I have developed. But now after Rockbridge, I sit in my room, alone. Not only with the post school depression, but with the feeling of loss coming with the realization that a few of my closest friends I am not sure when I will see them again. I mean there is AIM, Phone, and Facebook, but seeing them, touching them... I don't know when that will happen again.
Then comes the idea that I can survive. I have moved on several times, the most recent one was 4 years ago actually. So I know that in a few weeks/months/years the pain will fade and I find community where ever I go. So it is not like I can never have relationships that are as deep or deeper in the future. But it is still hard. I don't want some of these people to go. I love them, I want to be with them, but at least for now that is not God's plan.
Then I think of the other 07 GUPYs. We were so close after just 6 weeks. the few weeks after GUPY were so hard, but now while we still care about each other and I know I could call them or they me and we would be there for each other, but we have faded from each others lives a lot.we went from 24/7 contact for 6 weeks to almost nothing in a few months. And I still miss them, but I am ok with our distance, I know they are living out God's will and plan for them and we will see each other again, either in this life or when the party happens after. I guess we kinda expected that.
But it is even harder when your friends can't wait to leave. Either their vision, God's direction, or just their transient nature or a combination fill them with excitement. And all I can think of is how much I want a few of them to stay. On one level I am exited for them, starting thier new adventure jumping in faith into the next phase of life, and I will be happy and rejoice with them in life's joys and as they move forward. And at the same time I just want to be part of that and to be part of the future joy and pain as their brother.
I guess what is hard is to see the difference between close friends that I need to let go of and love from a distance like those who were older when I was a younger student and the younger students now and the other GUPYs. And those that God has put in my life that I am to cling to and live life with. Because in some ways while I know that the desire and pain will fade I want to hold on to it hold onto the mourning I feel now for the loss of the type of relationship I had with my friends and the way in which they brought out my gifts and passions in hopes that God puts them back in my path or as some sort of connection to them.
God I am tired of saying good bye... and I know there is a lot more of that in my future. I guess all I can do now is remember the joys, pain, and growth each relationship brought, hope that our paths cross again, but truly hope in the resurrection and in God that I will see them again and that while I can't have their back like I have in the past, He still does.
If you are one of my friends that I don't see much anymore (GUPY or other friends) or especially if you are a friend of mine who has recently graduated from VT and are moving... just know that I love you and it has been a blessing to live in community with you the last 4ish years.
You give and take away... yet my heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name!
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